The Delena Diaries
by WordsAreTrivial
Summary: The Vampire Diaries, S1-4(ongoing) as told from Damon's POV. Mostly canon detailing Damon and Elena's journey to love with non-canon excerpts from Elena's Diary. Rated M for much future Delena love and my inability to stop cursing.
1. Prequel - Warning

**A/N: So this has been in my head for days and days and I just needed to get it out. I'm taking it back to the beginning, and I'm going to write the story of Delena. From Damon's POV and Elena's diary entries, although that might change in the future. I know people might not want to read this because it's all old stuff that we all know but I'm really writing it for myself and putting it here in case anyone does. Having said that I'm not planning on writing anything further than this Prequel until I've finished Redemption. Sorry for the MASSIVE note, I own nothing related to TVD. **

Prequel – Warning  
**"Count your blessings, seduce a stranger.  
And she called out a warning; don't ever let life pass you by"**

**Damon's POV – Pre Pilot**

I was, morbidly, lying in the middle of the road. This is my modus operandi of course, existential crises are an almost everyday occurrence in my existence, and then I heard her voice.

The voice.

It sounded a lot like Katherine, a little different inflections but it was Katherine. And then I looked at her and she looked a lot like Katherine, was in fact, identical to Katherine, and _how the fuck is this happening? How did she get out? What's going on? _ I stared at her for a minute having apparently lost the power of speech but then I'd found my voice enough to say;

_Katherine_, like a prayer her name fell from my lips.

Only she wasn't fucking Katherine, of course she wasn't, I could hear her heartbeat, the voice was just a little off, her eyes reflecting differently than Katherine's. For a nanosecond I considered taking her, this slip of a girl, whoever she is, keeping her, eating her but the thought just made me feel repulsed and I quickly shut it out.

And then she started, flirting, with me. Telling me, a (devastatingly handsome, yes) stranger in the middle of the road, about her fight with her boyfriend and her concerns about the future, she didn't know what she wanted out of life, apparently.

Different images started flashing in my head then, me with this girl, this replica of Katherine, living some kind of twisted future, her kissing me, wanting me, loving me, turning her. Before I could get too caught up in those thoughts I pushed them away as well, I'm here for **Katherine **not some imposter with her face. _Head in the game, Salvatore. _So I returned to the topic at hand, I knew what she wanted out of life, of course I did, she wants what everyone wants. So I told her.

"_You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger" _from what I could tell by the look she was giving me I'd read her accurately but then she shocked me, she actually asked me what I wanted!

I almost laughed out loud, no-one's asked me what I want in, well, a long time anyway. I didn't even know what to say although my mind was screaming at me _you, I want YOU. _Which again, ridiculous, **I** am here for Katherine.

Anyway I was saved from having to answer that particular question by her parents showing up in their car to collect her so instead I told her what I had to;

"_I want you to get everything you're looking for. But right now, I want you to forget that this happened. I can't have people knowing I'm in town yet. Good night, Elena" _I compelled her and disappeared in a flash. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

I don't know why I did it, it's not in me to be nice to people but she was just standing there, all, alone, and Katherine-like, but so very different at the same time. I guess I just took pity on her.

**Elena's Diary – 1 Month after the Accident – Pre-Pilot**

_Dear Diary,  
Things are finally beginning to settle down a little bit. Aunt Jenna is looking after Jeremy and I now, Jer is not coping...AT ALL, but I don't suppose any of us are really.  
I miss my mom and dad so much, it's easy to get wrapped up in the grief and the loss, and it's easy to lose yourself in it. I'm so grateful that I have another 2 months before I have to be back at school, I just can't deal with facing anything or anyone in the world right now.  
I feel like this is all my fault, if I hadn't gone to the stupid bonfire, if I'd just stayed home for family night, if I hadn't gotten into a fight with Matt, my parents would still be here. I just feel all this blame, not that anybody else has given ANY indication that they feel like this, it's just me, but I don't know...  
I keep thinking about that night, there's something that just feels OFF about it, it's like something else happened and I just can't figure out what it is. Every night, when/if I finally get to sleep I hear a voice, there's someone speaking to me but I have no idea what they are saying. I'm probably just going crazy because I've not been sleeping or eating, and the grief and the guilt is clawing at my mind. It's not like I just __**wouldn't **__remember something else happening that night. I remember it like it was yesterday.  
Elena_

**If you do happen to want to read the story or like what I've written here then do review. Still nice to hear from people. **


	2. Pilot

**A/N: Okay I know I said I wasn't going to write anymore of this until I was finished Redemption but sometimes I just get things in my head and they will not leave me alone. This chapter was one of those things.  
I do not own anything related to The Vampire Diaries. If you're reading...review. & enjoy. Hopefully. **

**Pilot**

"**I've been watching your world from afar and I've been secretly falling apart"**

I knew that night would come back to bite me in the ass. I just fucking knew it.

I've been around town for four months now doing the things I do best, terrorising the locals and following my baby-bro, hiding in the shadows. Darkness is my friend.

I've been following Stefan whose been quasi-stalking _Elena_, that girl is just so sad all. the. time. She spends most of her time holed up inside her house or at the graveyard from what I can tell. I decided to scare her a little today; what? It's not safe for young girls to be hanging around in graveyards. Besides, it was fun, I hid myself behind the gravestone when she ran away; she turned around but I don't think she could see me through the fog. Although I have to admit I laughed when she told Stefan that the fog was making her 'foggy'.

I get bored more often than not following Stefan around so eventually I just leave him to his own devices; I know he's here for her. He must be. There is no other plausible reason for him to be here at all. He knows nothing about the tomb; Katherine; any of it. So he's here for her and that's why that night is coming back to bite me.

If I'd known my brother was back at the same time I would never have made her forget; I would have kept her for myself. Made her mine; just long enough for me to rescue Katherine of course, but long enough for it to destroy my brother. I promised him an eternity of misery when we turned; I like to keep my promises and consider myself a man of my word.

Taking Elena from him would truly be a masterpiece in deceit. Not that she's technically his yet anyway; but after today's little scene in the graveyard you just KNOW she's going to be. Still I think I can work with this; it will be even better to take her from him after he's had a chance with her; after he's fallen in love with her. Idiot that he is, I know he's just using her to replace Katherine in his affections; not that I blame him really; I would have done the same thing if I hadn't been so captivated by her the night we met that I couldn't fucking think properly for 2 seconds.

No that's not right; I was not captivated. I am not captivated by anyone that is not Katherine. These thoughts are getting me nowhere; I'm going to go and pay a visit to my baby bro; let him know the bad-ass brother's back in town. This should be fun.

Always with the same questions; when did you get here? What do you want? Why are you here?

Who cares? I'd much rather talk about the good stuff. Like _Elena_. That gets him fired up a bit. He tells me that she's not Katherine. Well no shit Sherlock! I worked that out the second I met her. Almost. Okay it took me a couple of minutes but whatever.

I'm bored of this now so I rile him up a bit – idiot that he is he thinks he can take me on. _But wherever you go people die _man, baby bro is on fire tonight; what does he want a medal? Really, why the need to continually point out the obvious. I'm a dick but I'm not stupid.

I'm done with this now. It wasn't nearly as much fun as I thought it would be.

I've made my way to the Mystic Grill and I'm listening to a little Barbie lookalike whine on about boys not liking her when she mentions Elena. She must be her friend. This could be my way in. _I'm inappropriate and I always say the wrong thing_ she says. Yeah, that makes two of us Barbie. The other girl tells her it's not a competition and she says _yeah. It is. _This girl is definitely my ticket into the game. I am **ALL **about the competition. So when her friend stands up I'm ready with my game face on. I give her a smile and I already know she's mine.

But not tonight.

**Elena's Diary**

_Dear Diary,  
The last couple of days have been strange; good but also strange. I met a boy, it sounds so cliché, he's the 'mysterious new guy' in town, he seems very astute, very observant and he is very pretty. Maybe this year really will be better.  
We went to the back to school party at the falls, Vicki was attacked which was rather terrifying; Stefan and I talked and he told me that I wouldn't be sad forever. I told him a bit about Matt and I told him that it wasn't passionate with Matt. I want passion. I've been having those dreams still; that voice in my head; I still don't know who it belongs to or what it is saying but tonight when we talked about passion, it was like someone screaming in my head; you want passion. This is so stupid. Of course I do. Doesn't everybody?  
The strangest thing is what happened with Bonnie, she keeps telling me that she's supposedly psychic but something happened tonight that made me actually consider it properly for the first time.  
"When I touched you I saw a crow. There was fog. A man...it's just the beginning" she said. I mean that's creepy all on its own, right? What makes it more so is that yesterday when Bonnie drove me to school a crow hit her car causing her to swerve. At least I think it was a crow it all happened so fast. And then there was that crow at the graveyard, and all the fog, when I turned back I could have sworn I saw a man standing behind the gravestone. It was probably just my mind playing tricks on me but after what Bonnie said I'm kind of creeped out.  
Great, just another thing to add to my growing list of problems; I'm being stalked by the bird of death.  
Elena_


	3. The Night Of The Comet

**A/N: I do not own The Vampire Diaries.  
Just a little FYI: I don't PLAN on redoing every single episode of every single season because I don't think all of them are as important. I'm probably going to try and focus on the big ones. Or at least I don't plan to; I might combine some of just cut some entirely. I'm really just doing this as I go so if you're reading I hope you enjoy it. **

**The Night of the Comet**

It's really quite amusing to have Stefan chasing around after me trying to clean up my 'messes'. **Trying** being the operative word there, baby brother is all but useless on his diet. Perhaps tonight is the night I can change that...again. It's not like I care terribly for the ripper; who would? But it's more natural than this **thing** that he's trying to turn himself into. We're fucking vampires; learn to revel in it you idiot.

"_Stefan?" _Nope. Wrong brother pretty girl. Always the wrong brother. But this could be interesting. She turns and I'm right behind her. Fear. I love it.

"_The door was...open" _and now it's not. That trick's all me. She tells me that Stefan hasn't mentioned me _"well Stefan's not one to brag" _I tell her. And I want to scare her. I want to play the game but when I touch her shoulder gently to lead her into the lounge there's a spark of fire that ignites my entire body and I'm too lost in it to think about the game.

"_I see why my brother's so smitten" _I tell her and god if it isn't the truth. She looks at me with those big brown eyes, all light and shade and fire and puritythat I've never seen and **fuck this**.

I need to get my head back in the game so I do it the only way I know how. Katherine. I stare at this mirror image of the woman I've loved for 150 years who is nothing at all like her and I push all thoughts of Elena out of my head.

I plant the seeds of doubt in her mind; I can see it flash through her eyes she is **so** easy to read. _"Well I'm sure it will come up now" _Katherine. Yep. Well done Damon. The games are afoot.

"_I'm a fatalist" _and...fabulous. Brother's back. Perfect timing as usual. Shame really, I'd have loved more time with her. For what I'm not quite sure. Man Stefan is rude. _"It was nice to meet you, Damon" _she says. I kiss her hand in the true Southernly gentleman fashion I was raised in and give her a smile and wow. Again with the fire, when my lips touched her hand. That fire. I felt it everywhere. I wonder if she feels it. What **is** it?

The little smile she gives me has me reconsidering my plans for all two seconds and I'm not even really concentrating on what's happening but then she's gone and she takes all the goodness that was in the room for a few brief moments with her.

I'm left with a brooding, ticked off Stefan. Now _this_ I know how to play with. Not that I don't know how to play with _Elena. _

"_How long was Elena here?" _he demands to know.

"_You worried Stefan? Scared we may be doomed to repeat the past..." _

"_The timing was wrong anyway" (Elena) "When is it ever right?" Bonnie._

I came down to the town square intent on finding the blonde from last night and instead I find myself listening to Elena's conversation with her friend. They are talking about my brother. _"The timing was wrong anyway" _Elena says, _"when is it ever right?" _her friend replies.

All of a sudden I'm overwhelmed by the sickest feeling. The thought of my brother with Elena makes me feel physically sick and I see Barbie walking towards me now but I can't deal with her after this. I need to go...eat someone...or drink something. Right fucking now.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not supposed to **feel **jack shit. My switch is firmly flipped to **OFF** so what the fuck is this shit? I make my choice. Drink something.

I'm sitting drinking, contemplating what's going on in my life, my head, my...heart? When the girl I attacked walks in _"I know you" _she says. That's unfortunate...for Stefan. Just like that the game is back on...I can make this fun...it's almost too easy. Maybe I can eat something too.

God I hate him so much right now. He is SO weak. Demanding to know why I'm doing this...again with the questions. _"No I want you to remember who you are" _I tell him. A fucking vampire. Own it. _"Why...so I'll remember what it's like to be brothers again?" _Maybe. Partly.

"_Let them drive a stake through my heart...because at least I'll be free of you" _Really? Wow. I have no words. Just...wow. I don't know what to say to that so I bend down and remove my compulsion from the girl replacing it with 'animal attack', 'remember nothing', 'too many pills'.

I still can't speak to Stefan and my mind is racing over his last words. Does he mean that? Would he really rather be dead-dead than live with me as his shadow? If that's the case then he's sure changed his tune in the last...century. I'm his **BROTHER**.

Finally I find words and my brain kicks into gear long enough to get back in the game because fuck this shit there's still a game going on. I know things he doesn't and I don't want him to know. And if he really **does** feel that way then there's not really any need for me to play nice...is there?

"_That's for me to know and you to dot dot dot" _

I'm disgusted by him right now and I throw him a look that I hope conveys that, adding something about Elena which just brings back that sickening feeling and man I am so done with this. I need to be gone. Now.

I take some time to calm myself down after that debacle and because I have a point to prove, more to myself than anyone else I seek out the little blonde. Fear. I love it.

2 seconds and she's all mine. As I knew she would be. No compulsion necessary for now.

_Dear Diary,  
Where to start? I suppose the beginning is as good a place as any. I told Bonnie and Caroline about my night with Stefan "you and Stefan TALKED all night long...and that's it?" Caroline asked me with her voice laced in disbelief. I love Caroline but we don't all just fall into bed with boys the day we meet them! Ooops. I didn't mean that to sound bitchy. Anyway she continued with this profound piece of Caroline logic; "Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Sex" yep, Caroline logic at its finest hour. _

_I sat there and considered what she'd said and then I realised that she was right. Not about the sex, but if I had sat there long enough I would have talked myself out of it and I didn't want to. I LIKE this boy, he's made me feel better in the few short days that I've known him so why SHOULDN'T I just go for it, so finding my determination I decided to do just that and made my way to the Salvatore mansion, honestly that place is like a castle. _

_The door was open when I got there so like a crazy person I just walked on in and then the crow. That crow...it was there in the house and it flew right past me and what is with that fucking crow?_

_I turned around and there was someone standing right behind me, I nearly jumped out of my skin. He is Stefan's brother; Stefan didn't tell me he had a brother. Damon. I have never seen someone so beautiful in my life diary. When I saw him and looked into his eyes I got the strangest sense of déjà-vu. Those eyes...I'm sure I've seen them before...but where? How? I didn't even know that he existed until today. _

_Damon told me a little bit about Stefan and his ex-girlfriend Katherine, indicating that I might be a rebound girl. Am I a rebound girl? I do NOT want to be that girl...then Stefan came home and he was very rude. He barely even spoke to me; Damon kissed by hand when he said goodbye and when he touched me...it felt electric. I don't even know how to explain it. It's probably just because he's so. damn. beautiful. And again with the déjà-vu. I feel so sure I've thought those words before. So strange. _

_So I spent some time with aunt Jenna, told her a bit about Stefan, "he's on the rebound and has raging family issues" and then we had another discussion about being scared which made me remember why I went to the Salvatore's in the first place. _

_Running into Damon there made me sort of forget what my mission was and I don't want to be the scared little girl forever, I am scared but I have to move on, I like Stefan and I want to spend more time with him. _

_So I decided once again to suck it up and I went back to his house. I told him the truth about being scared and feeling like the world is going to come crashing down around me if I let myself be happy for one second and he kissed me. _

_It was so...lovely. Sweet and tender and SO lovely, I'm still scared but things are definitely looking up.  
Elena  
_


	4. Friday Night Bites

**A/N: Thanks so much to the people who have reviewed/followed/favourited this, I really wanted to write this for myself and didn't expect people to want to read it so it's amazing that there are some of you out there who want to read this story.  
Having said that I doubt I'll be able to update it as frequently as I have been with Redemption simply because I have to watch every episode sloooowly so that I can then write it. But I will try and be relatively quick – for you!  
I own nothing, no Vampires, no Diaries, no Damon, no Elena, nothing. On with the show!**

**Friday Night Bites**

"**Tonight I think I'll walk alone  
Find my soul as I go home"**

Honestly. Throwing a pillow at me? Really? Mmm...But breakfast sure does smell good.

I compel her...not to be afraid, keep my secret...before dropping her off at practice. I wasn't expecting to see Elena and is that jealousy(!) I see flash through her eyes when Barbie says she 'got' the other brother.

No you didn't 'get' anything. You're fucking and feeding the _better_ brother is what you really mean. I flash Elena a look to find that she's staring right back at me and wow does she look hot in those little shorts. She's still staring as I drive away but I don't go far. I HAVE to watch her. Fabulous. I'm turning into stalker Stefan.

Barbie has informed me that Elena is hosting a dinner party at her house tonight and I SO want to crash that. Kill a few birds with one stone. Invite to Elena's house. Rile up Stefan. Speak to Elena again. Revert the switch back to the fully OFF position. Sounds like a solid plan.

Step 1: Invite to Elena's house. Barbie tells me to come inside but that's not going to cut it here sweetpea. She better invite me in, I bought cake and everything. And done. Stef doesn't look to happy though – uh-oh!

Step 2: Get Elena alone. I follow her through to the kitchen with a glass she forgot to pick up and done. _"I like you" _I am surprised by the truth in that statement. She brings up Katherine herself and fairly soon we're moving into uncomfortable territory that I don't really want to talk about but somehow I just can't stop this.

I feel...ugh there's that pesky word again. I FEEL like I can't say no to this girl. "_Complicated and selfish, and at times not very kind but very sexy and seductive" _is my answer to her question about Katherine. Nut meet shell.

"_Which one of you dated her first?" _Am I that easy to read? Or is she just incredibly observant? My reply is a fraction bitter _"ask Stefan, I'm sure his answer differs from mine" _and now I need to get away from this conversation so I advise her to quit cheerleading, she looked utterly miserable earlier.

But then I'm shocked. I'm shocked and I'm **fucked**.

"_I'm sorry...about Katherine. You lost her too" _

Wow. Just fucking wow. Who is this girl? No one has **ever** told me that they are _sorry_ about this extremely screwed up situation. I don't know how to handle this and fortunately I'm saved by Bonnie so I take the opportunity to get away from these EMOTIONS I don't want to think about.

I go back and take the opportunity to harass Stefan some more;

"_I've been invited...and I'll do with your little...cheerleader...whatever I want to do...because that is what is NORMAL to me" _am I trying to convince him, or myself? To prove my point I come back and place myself in Elena's dream, I'm so incredibly THRILLED I had the good sense to destroy all the vervain in this town.

She screams when Stefan's face morphs into mine which is not **exactly **the reaction I was hoping for. Then again I'm not sure what exactly I _was_ hoping for.

I am determined to prove...something to myself. I'm not entirely sure what it is, that I can provoke my brother? That I don't FEEL? That I can hurt Elena if I want to? I don't know but after what happened last night in her house, something is different and I fucking hate it. So I seek her out before the game starts.

_..."you're right, I do have other intentions, but so do you. I see 'em. You want me. I get to you. You find yourself drawn to me. You think about me even when you don't want to think about me. I bet you even dreamed about me. And right now...you want to kiss me."_

I can read it in her eyes, see it in her face, hear it in the way her fragile little human heart speeds up and the way her eyes flicker to my lips, everything I've said is true. And then BAM! She slaps me across the face and I'm taken so off guard that it actually kinda hurt.

Well. Fuck. I was NOT expecting that. How did she break the compulsion? I told her she WANTED to kiss me and she did...but then she didn't. It takes another few seconds and then I catch a whiff of the vervain. Stefan. Fuck. Where did he get vervain?

She gets right up in my face and says "_let's get one thing straight. I AM NOT Katherine"_ and then she's gone. Yeah well you got that right. You are most **definitely** not Katherine. I can still feel the sting from her slap reverberating around my face and I almost want to chase her down and make her do it again just to feel that fire once more but fuck that. I chase down Stefan and torment him instead; it seems to be what I'm best at these days.

I threaten Elena and seriously what is wrong with him? What is wrong with people? What is wrong with ME? He knows as well as I do that I won't hurt her..."_deep down inside there is a part of you that feels for her" _yeah. Maybe not that deep, brother.

He babbles on about my humanity for a while but I'm only half listening until he throws Katherine in my face. Really Stefan? Have you learnt nothing over the last few decades? Talking about Elena was bad enough but now Katherine as well? I tear open the throat of his football coach to make a point.

"_Anyone. Anytime. Anyplace"_

I'm choosing to ignore the voice in my head that says 'except Elena'. My humanity is gone. Isn't it? I wander the streets contemplating things for a while, unsure of what to do or where to go from here until eventually I decide to go to the one place where I feel any peace these days. _Elena_.

I'm sure my brother thinks there is no humanity in my now; all he sees when he looks at me is a monster. And I'd be inclined to agree most of the time. I am soul-less, darkness personified. There is no light, only power and strength and masochistic tendencies.

So why then; am I standing here in front of this sleeping girl, the girl with the face of an angel, this replica of Katherine unable to stop myself from reaching out and just touching her, just for a second feeling her skin against mine, to feel that fire that burns my entire body every single time. Her strong, human heartbeat soothes me.

I don't fucking know the answer to that question but no part of me wants to walk away from this. But I have to. So I do. I may be a monster, but I have a feeling my switch might be fucked. Still, there's no need for anyone else to see this. Let Saint Stefan believe what he wants, I am far from caring what HE thinks.

_Dear Diary,  
I told Stefan today that there is more to me than the gloomy graveyard girl and he said he looks forward to meeting her. I'm working on it, I promise. I decided to try cheerleading again. I hated it diary. _

_Damon showed up with Caroline! How'd that happen? "I got the other brother...hope you don't mind" she said. Is it wrong that I kind of DO? Of course it is Elena, don't be stupid. Why should I mind? I don't know...I feel...a tiny bit jealous. This is stupid. _

_I forced Bonnie to join Stefan and me for dinner hoping that I could change her mind about him but it was all very awkward until Damon arrived with Caroline unexpectedly. Stefan was very rude, he didn't seem to want me to let Damon inside but I invited him and Caroline in anyway. _

_Damon said that I don't seem like the cheerleading type and later he advised me to quit; telling me that I looked miserable and that it seems unrealistic that cheering could matter again. Am I really that easy to read? Or is he just incredibly observant? _

_I had a dream about Damon, well first it was Stefan. Then it was Damon. Why am I dreaming about him? It's crazy but it felt SO real. Anyway I've decided to take his advice, about cheerleading. I am a different person now and the sooner I accept that the sooner I can move on. Start over, like Stefan said. _

_Jeremy got into a fight with Tyler Lockwood of all people and Stefan...the glass cut his hand. I SAW it. I think I did. I mean there was blood...and the bottle. I just...I guess my mind is playing tricks on me. I don't know but I can't help feeling that he's hiding something from me. _

_I slapped Damon across the face tonight but the truth is diary that he was right. Even if it was just for a second, for the tiniest flicker of a moment (which it WAS) he was right. He has gotten to me, not that I have ANY intention of doing anything about it. I'm with Stefan and I care very much about Stefan and Damon seems...dangerous. I'm not afraid of him, I don't think he would hurt me but he does seem dangerous. _

_But I can't deny that I do find myself drawn to him, I do think about him, I DID have a dream about him and for a second tonight I did want to kiss him. I feel so ashamed, I was so ashamed with myself that I slapped him because I knew if he tried I would have let him so I just HAD to stop it. _

_Hitting him seemed like the easiest way to make it stop. I think I just lost all my senses for a moment, I was captivated by the never-ending depths of crystal blue in his eyes for the briefest of moments, but I needed to stop it. _

_I am NOT Katherine. I will never be who she was.  
ELENA  
_

**If you read...review...please **


	5. Family Ties & You're Undead To Me

**A/N: Okay so I've combined Family Ties & You're Undead to Me into this one chapter because YUTM ended up being really short but I still felt it was super important to have it in there. YUTM starts after Elena's first diary entry. It's a little...different and I hope you all like the way I've written it. Don't worry if you don't because this will probably be the only one that's ever written that way because it. was. hard.  
I do not own the Vampire Diaries, if I did I'd be writing season 6 instead of this! On with the show.**

**Family Ties & You're Undead to Me**

I decide to start the day off right and fuck with my baby bro's mind a little bit. I can't tell you how fun being able to dream walk is, one of the little tricks I learnt whilst locked in a cell but we'll get to that I'm sure. It's so easy to fuck with Stefan's head – major pitfall of his diet.

"_Why would you cover your tracks?" _he asks when I've told him that I captured a wild beast and led the police away from vampires. Or the council I should say. It is Mystic Falls after all.

Well Stefan, I'm not sure how exactly to answer that question anymore. So I tell him a partial truth "_I'm just having way too much fun here with you and Elena" _he retaliates with nonsense about the vervain, note to self: find out where he got that. But as I told him the vervain keeps me out of her head. Maybe that's not my target. But I **think** my target is something that rhymes with head.

A stab in the gut to Stefan for being a dick and my work here is done. What? He ruined my John Varvatos. Again.

I'm with my own perky little cheerleader now, she talks sooo much, asks way too many questions and reads atrocious books but regardless she is proving exceptionally useful so I'll keep her around, for now. I've 'convinced' Caroline to take me to the Founder's Party tonight and when she's finally finished obsessing over her dress I head home to get ready.

My brother seriously thinks I'm an idiot. Does he think I can't smell the vervain in the drink? Still I play along for a while until I bore of the charade – I make reference to the night Stefan escorted Katherine to the original Founder's ball; it truly was hell to watch and I did leave early. What he doesn't know is that she sent me away that night; compelled me to leave. Katherine didn't compel me very often but she did that night.

"_Oh well, here's to history repeating itself" _I say before pouring his vervain laced alcohol on the floor. The look on his face is priceless. Time to go.

Getting my invite into the Lockwood mansion was more than simple although the term 'boyfriend' grates on my nerves a little.

_Elena_. She walks in on my brother's arm looking...beautiful. Of course. I'm a fraction jealous as he leans in and speaks to her, dropping a kiss on her cheek but shhh! Don't tell. I avoid them for a while until I overhear my name, followed by my brother's. Ah. The original guest registry. I decide now is my time to make nice and rescue Stef from a potentially uncomfortable situation.

Barbie plays her role perfectly, distracting Stefan and leaving me alone with Elena. I apologise to her for the attempted kiss the other night and give her a brief Salvatore history lesson. She says she's sorry and that she can't get in the middle of Stefan and me. She hopes we can work it out and she's so fucking sincere I feel like I'm losing parts of myself. It surprises me as much as anyone else when I reply "_I hope so too" _andsomewhere inside me, that is true.

We walk back to Stefan and Caroline and Elena asks him to dance and again I'm hit with jealousy so intense that I literally have to breathe it out. Why am I even forcing myself to watch this? Oh yes because she's fucking beautiful. Even though I know it's so much more than that. I just don't want to look too closely at that.

I overhear parts of Elena's fight with my brother; Stefan tells her that I'm trying to turn her against him and she replies saying that it's working. Wow. This really is going to be easier than I thought...maybe now I can swoop in and steal his girl...for a while.

Or. Not.

Elena intercepts me on the stairs catching me off guard when she pushes me that I actually step back. Fuck. Fucking Caroline. That was **not** how I wanted that to happen. But she's so...feisty. Even after finding _something_ out about me she still comes and confronts me and she wasn't even scared. She should be. Not that I really want her to be. Sort of.

Where is Caroline? It's time for her to die.

Or. Not.

Just. Nothing is going my way today.

A no good very bad day; been having those a lot recently.

Vervain. Stefan. Cellar. Crystal gone. Fuck. Darkness is my friend.

_Dear Diary,  
I asked Stefan to join me as my date to the Founders party and he agreed but he also said that "the Salvatores don't get invited anymore" what does that mean? Why not? _

"_Tonight's going to be a good night" I said to Bonnie. Yeah, famous last words, good job Elena. _

_It all started off well enough, Damon apologised to me for the other night and explained why he is the way he is; when he told me about the battle of Willow Creek and what happened to his ancestors it sounded so...personal. Almost like it had happened to him. _

"_Doesn't it always come down to the love of a woman?" he said and there's such a sadness in his eyes but still that ever present cheeky glint and I STILL feel that sense of déjà-vu when I look into his eyes. It's the oddest feeling really, maybe I knew him in a past life or something! _

_I ended up getting into a fight with Stefan, he won't tell me anything! I feel like he is hiding things from me and he won't open up to me. I tried to force him into it, into saying SOMETHING but he just turned it around on Damon. As if it was his fault – is this what Stefan does? _

_But then...something is GOING on. Caroline has BITE marks and bruises ALL over her. It's obviously Damon. What is wrong with him? Who is he? How can he be so...sincere and open and...beautiful and also be so completely different?_

_Why is Stefan protecting him? He's 'handling' it? What does that even mean? And he didn't seem surprised. Is this just what Damon does? And Stefan is okay with that? _

_There is SOMETHING going on and I'm beginning to get really tired of not knowing. Stefan says he 'needs' me to trust him but it's not just something I can magically hand over. I'm GOING to find out what's going on diary.  
Elena_

"**Hello darkness my old friend"**

Cellar. Darkness. Stefan. No ring. Weak. 3 days. Trapped. Desiccate. Mummify. Vervain. Re-evaluate. 50 years. Didn't have to be this way. Darkness.

Zach. Vervain. Not family. No family. Shutting down. Grandfather. Joseph. I killed him. Unlock the door. Stefan. Weak. Darkness.

Darkness. Caroline. Help. Crow. Darkness. Stefan. Bad guy. _Elena_. Truth. Lies. Walk away. Darkness. Crow. Caroline. Help me.

Caroline. Crow. Here. She's here. Thank you god. Cellar. Weak. Compulsion. Open the damn door. NOW. Please sweet Jesus open the fucking door. Zach. Dead. Caroline...need blood. Now. Weak. Sun. FUCK. OUCH. Crow. Blood. Better. Ish.

Need my ring. Fucking Stefan...going to KILL him. Slowly. Maybe shove him in the basement, leave him to desiccate and steal his girl. Sounds like a fucking plan. Thank god the suns gone down. Watch out folks, Damon's back.

Twist of fate that it's the same girl from before. Vicky her name is. Not anymore. Dead her name is now.

_Dear Diary,  
Damon is gone and he's not coming back Stefan said, Caroline was upset. "This is a good thing Caroline" I told her and I'm almost convinced. But there is a part of me that feels otherwise. _

_His sincerity. His eyes. His emotions. The lies. _

_I don't know...there's a part of me that feels like I can't judge the situation without knowing the whole story and the problem is nobody is telling me the whole story. Stefan won't answer anything, what is he hiding from me?_

_Even after dinner, it was great and I feel like we connected more and I want so much to make things right but every instinct in my body is telling me to be careful. What you don't know CAN hurt you. There's something more I just know it...his face...I'm so sure. I was so sure...something changed and I'm GOING to find out what's going on. _

"_You haven't aged a day". June 1953. Stefan and Damon Salvatore. Animal attack. Tragedy. Nephew. Stefan. _

_I am not a believer. People are born. They grow old, they die. _

_No magic. No mysticism. No immortality. Nothing that defies rational thought. People are supposed to be who they say they are and not lie or hide their true selves. _

_Not possible. Not a believer. I can't be. _

_But how can I deny what's right in front of me? _

_Never gets old. Never gets hurt. Changes in ways that can't be explained. Girls bitten. Bodies drained of blood...vampire.  
Elena_

**Did ya love it? Did ya hate it? Vent your feelings. Review! **


	6. Lost Girls

**A/N: I do not own anything related to the Vampire Diaries. All rights to those who do.  
Thanks so much to the people reviewing/following/favouriting – makes me insanely happy. This is a LOT of hard work and knowing that people are reading it and enjoying it makes me want to keep going! So please do keep reviewing. **

**Lost Girls**

"**Words like violence, Break the silence  
Painful to me; pierce right through me"**

Ah. I'm much better now that I've had my fill. Blood, alcohol and fire...a good combination. And now it's time to deal with Stefan. He tries to tell me he doesn't have my ring but I've been around long enough to know that Stefan would **never** give my ring to anyone, no matter how much he might not want to have to deal with me.

"_I want my ring Stefan or my next stop is Elena's"_ – man I am so pissed right now. I would never actually hurt Elena but it doesn't mean I can't use her against him. He'll get it for me now.

Wow this girl just won't die! Vicki that's right. Well I might as well try to have some fun while I'm waiting for Stefan so she can just come back to the house with me.

How long does it take to bring me my damn ring? Come on Stefan it can't be that hard. I hate dodging sunlight and I _hate _being bored, it leads me to doing irrational things, Vicki is useless and bleeding all over the place, she's not gonna be any fun today...unless..."_I'm so gonna regret this_" but I give her some of my blood...it might be time to start trusting my instincts.

At least it perks her up a bit and for lack of anything better to do we may as well party till the sun goes down. Fucking Stefan. Where is he?

Alcohol, dancing – good. Girls whining – bad. _"Don't you wanna be in love?" _she asks me, well, I've been in love, _"it's painful, pointless and over-rated" _except when it isn't. And I'm done with this conversation now, please be quiet, let's dance. Enjoy the silence.

Stefan is **such** a pack rat – although trashing his room is a certain way to put me in a good mood and him in a crappy one, at least until I stumble upon the picture of Katherine on his desk. Everything was so much _easier _with Katherine, life...love.

Why does Stefan have this picture anyway? He claims he never loved her, that she compelled his love. Well, I call bullshit. If that were true then he wouldn't have kept this picture all these years and it _certainly_ wouldn't be sitting out on his desk where any old _Elena _could stumble upon it. Idiot. Plus he's with Elena, came back here for her, must be _something _to do with Katherine.

Needing something else to speculate on I focus on Vicki's problems and god this girl is pathetic, her damage hits a little too close to home for me (a father not worth remembering; yeah got that covered. Her brother is the 'golden boy' – yup know that all too well too) unfortunately, for her. Perhaps death will do for her what it did for me. Probably not though. We can't all be so lucky.

God I want **out** of this fucking house. I am sick of being cooped up in here; oh Vicki's arisen from the dead now. Technically I'm her 'sire' so I'm obliged to help her but she's determined to leave and who am I to stop her. I advise her to stop by her boyfriend's house, the one who also happens to be Elena's brother. Again, probably a bad idea, but you never know maybe the truth will out and we can all stop living with such lies.

Finally it's dark, I don't know what game Stefan is trying to play here but I am done playing. I go to Elena's house. Fear. I love it.

So Saint Stefan finally fessed up. I wonder how much she knows. Or more to the point how much **truth** she knows. I'm sure Stef has put a 'positive' spin on things – missing a few _crucial_ details here and there.

"_Stay away from me" _ouch. Oh well, I've been invited in, not much she can do about that now. In an effort to somewhat ease her fear I tell her we can cut to the chase, _"I'm not gonna kill you right now – that wouldn't serve my greater agenda" _apparently it worked because she's definitely less scared now.

And now we're right back to the feistiness with judgy little eyes to go along with it. Well that's new. I get up in her personal space but she doesn't back down. This girl is...wow. She asks about Katherine from which I gather Stefan must have owned up about that too, _"got the whole life story huh?" _very unlikely, _"I got enough" _she replies..._"oh I doubt that"_.

I need to leave now, Stefan isn't here and I want my damn ring. She probably takes this the wrong way but I'm deadly serious when I tell her to be careful who she invites into the house, one can never be too sure in this town.

I hear a gunshot ring out as I leave and I'm running. Some dick is about to kill my brother! Screw that! If anyone's going to kill Stefan it's going to be me. I tear into the guys throat and throw him out of the way before digging the bullet out of Stefan – _"It's wood. They know" _I tell him.

Stefan gives me my ring back – take that sun. And now we have a baby vamp on our hands. My bad. Again...instincts Damon. I spot the compass vamp device on the ground. I'll take that thank you very much.

_Dear Diary,  
Stefan is a vampire. Damon is a vampire. The animal attacks – the people who died, Stefan says it was Damon, he said Damon is very powerful. As if that wasn't obvious enough already. Apparently there are no others but Stefan said that the town was very much aware of vampires at one point and it didn't end well for anybody which is why he doesn't want me to tell anyone. Who would I tell anyway? I'm pretty sure if I ran through the town screaming 'vampire' I'd be locked up faster than you can say 'pitchfork'. _

_Stefan took me to the grounds of his old family home, he's been 17 years old since 1864! He told me a bit about Katherine, she chose him over Damon apparently; he escorted her to the first Founder's Ball which is where they signed the registry I saw the other night. He said that he and Damon were best friends and when I asked if Damon stole Katherine from him but he said that she wasn't theirs to steal. She was a vampire too. _

_Stefan said that she controlled their minds, using something called compulsion which there is an herb called vervain to protect against. That's what is in the necklace he gave me. He said that he had to give Damon his ring back, that if he didn't then Damon would hurt me. I don't think he would though; I can't explain it...it's just a feeling. There's no denying that he does scare me though. Or did. _

_He came to the house tonight. I couldn't exactly stop him from coming in now that I've already invited him; at least I understand why Stefan was so rude to him that night now. _

_But when he was talking to me...I was scared at first but then I felt that...sadness coming off of him again and his eyes...there's so much, emotion and...sincerity in them that he just doesn't scare me as much as he probably should I guess. _

_Damon said that he 'doubted' I had heard the whole story from Stefan and I believed him. He always seems so honest with me, maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe Stefan is right and Damon is just bad...a monster...but I don't believe it. I see...something there. I'm not sure what yet, but I see it._

_Stefan came back to the house, he told me that Vicki had completed the transition and I told him that I can't be with him. I cried for such a long time. I WANT to be with him, but I don't feel like I can be._

_This is all just so much...I've barely wrapped my head around the fact that he's a VAMPIRE let alone anything else and I just need some...time, to process everything. _

_At least I have my diary to write everything down in – I think I'd go crazy if I couldn't get all these thoughts out somewhere!  
Elena_

**A/N 2.0 – While I am trying to dial down the Stelena stuff I can't prevent the fact that for the first 3 seasons they are kinda together or on/off so there is going to be some Stefan related stuff in her diary entries. Otherwise this just wouldn't make any sense. But don't worry I won't be going into too much gory detail! I love Stefan but not enough to write about him and Elena actually being together! **


	7. Haunted

**A/N: So this was one of my favourite episodes to write and I hope you enjoy it too!  
I do not own the Vampire Diaries – so sad.  
Review! **

**Haunted  
"Things are getting worse  
But I feel a lot better  
And that's all that really matters to me"  
**

Stefan and I track down Vicki trying to eat the mayors' kid and I guess its probably not the smartest idea to kill him...throwing him across the parking lot was a lot of fun though.

We take her back to the house and hopefully we, or Stefan, can keep her there this time. There's nothing about the guy I killed in the paper, not. a. word. Someone is covering it up...but why? And Who? I tell Stefan who doesn't seem overly concerned but he should be and I tell him so.

He's going on and on about not drinking people blood and hunting animals (yuck!) and I can't stand to listen to it. Honestly I think that boy is starting to believe he _is_ a saint. You should have seen him in 1864. Or 1912, or 1917, or 1920, or...well you get the idea.

_Elena. _I can't help the smile that comes when I realise she's here.

"_Is Stefan here?" _Stefan. Of course. God that gets old.

"_How can you be so arrogant and glib after everything that you've done?" _ she demands to know. Really? _"How can you be __so__ brave and so stupid to call a vampire arrogant and glib?" _and god she is **so** brave. I love that. But also kinda stupid. She could probably do with a healthy dose of fear to be honest.

But there is definite bravery in turning up at a house with 3 vampires in it on your own.

"_If you wanted me dead I'd be dead" _– so brave. So _right. _But she doesn't need to know that.

"_Yes you would" – "But I'm not" – "Yet" – _and there we go – there's that hint of fear. Strangely I don't love it so much this time. And now she's right back to asking about Stefan again.

Okay well I need to get out now, even still I can't stop myself slowing as I walk past and damn, she smells so good and again I can't stop the smile that comes. But I could just be smiling because it's Halloween, and I love Halloween. Yeah that's the reason Damon.

A little while later I show Vicki the perks of being a vampire and then...I lost her. Yup. Oops. My bad...again. I sent Stefan off to find her while I find something more entertaining or useful to do with my time. Like drinking. Both useful and entertaining, especially when I bump into Mrs. Mayor.

She's got vervain. There is waaay too much vervain in this town...however; this could actually work to my advantage. So as much as it pains me I'll spread the vervain...a little. I escort her to the Halloween party at the school and find the witch with my crystal. Need to be getting that back now. Fuck! Burny! How'd it **do** that? Bloody witches.

I'm considering my next move when Stefan calls me _"I need your help"_ fine. Damon to the rescue. Because that's _so_ my forte.

Elena. Elena is _bleeding. _

"_This is your fault" - _well thank you Little Miss Obvious. She attempts to push me and then hit me but I'm prepared this time and honestly she's bleeding and it smells **amazing** and I have _incredible _self-control but it's _Elena _and she looks so damn hot in this little nurses outfit and if she hits me again I might fucking lose it.

So I tell her that none of this matters to me, which isn't strictly true but damn it I just need her to **go **and she doesn't need to know that.

"_People die around you, how could it not matter. It matters and you know it" _

Well. Apparently she **does** know that...and again I ask...who _is_ this girl? While I'm busy pondering this she hits me again. Fuck. Fuck. Stupid stupid girl. Stupid me for not paying attention.

It takes a century's honed skill to not pounce on her and just take it, take her. In fact I make an involuntary movement to do just that but fucking **NO**. Not her. Not this girl. Not _Elena. _It's so damn hard. I smell her blood, the fear. Adrenaline. _Suck it up Salvatore. _I will **not** hurt her.

"_You need to leave. Your wounds are bleeding and you. need. to leave."_

I really fucking hope I'm making myself clear here because I am barely holding on. Thank god she actually listens. That was intense, even for me and I am a **master** of control, it's just _her_ blood. It fucking calls to me. What? Seriously Damon? Never mind. I turn my attention to Vicki, poor dead girl – the girl who 'mattered' apparently.

When I'm done disposing of the body my thoughts return to Elena and what happened tonight. I need to make this right so I go to her house and I overhear the end of her conversation with Stefan, she wants to make Jeremy's pain go away, she wants Stefan to make him forget but of course he **can't**...another pitfall of his diet. But I can. So I will. I'll do it to make it right.

I'm not big on making amends or fixing things but this, tonight, I need do this, for Elena, I need to make it right. I came so close to the edge, to losing myself with her. I don't know if she could sense my struggle but she was definitely afraid of me and I don't _really_ want her to be scared of me. So I need to make it right. She looks so angry and so sad all at the same time and it takes my breath away, she is hauntingly beautiful. Even on this night.

_Dear Diary,  
I went to Stefan and Damon's house today and Damon answered the door, I wasn't really expecting it to be him and just for a second I was struck by how beautiful he is again but I'm not even going down that road. No matter what it is I THINK I might see in Damon, he IS dangerous...and scary in some ways. I can't help it that he's really beautiful. _

_Anyway I went to the house because even though I'm not ready to be with Stefan I don't want to be left out. I want to know what's going on and I want to be included, having said that there is only so much I can take so after Vicki nearly throttled me to death I left. _

_When I got home I talked to Jeremy and told him that it would be for the best if he doesn't see Vicki anymore; but he said "I get these moments and things started to feel just a little bit better, and Vicki was in every single one of them" and I understood that diary. Because that's kinda how I feel about Stefan. For the first time in so long, things were looking up, I was starting to feel a little better...a little more, alive again. _

_Anyway Jer and I went to the Halloween party at school and Vicki was there, I was so worried about Jeremy and then Vicki ended up biting ME! Stefan took Jeremy home while I waited for Damon. I hit him (again) because I was so angry with him for saying that it didn't matter, that what happened to Vicki didn't matter because it does and I KNOW he knows that it does. _

_But something happened when I hit him...he...I don't know, something changed and for a second I thought he was going to attack me...he looked like he was fighting some internal battle with something...himself. I don't know but he let me go. He MADE me go. He could have hurt me. Killed me. But he didn't. _

_Then I ran into Matt and I had to lie to his face. He is my FRIEND and I had to lie to him. Vicki is dead. I don't know how to handle all of this. I couldn't stand to see Jer in so much pain, it was just too much. Damon helped. He said he could take it away, I don't know why he did it but I'm so grateful that he did. Even Stefan looked confused about that. Still, I can't believe that I let him do it. That I TRUSTED him to do it. I just let him walk right into my house and into my brother's room ALONE to mess with his mind. What does that say about me? _

_Stefan said that if I really wanted then Damon could make me forget too and there is a part of me that wants that. I DON'T want it to be like this. But it is what it is. This is my life now. I told him that I can't lose the way I feel about him, and I'm choosing to ignore the little voice in my head that says 'and Damon'.  
Elena_


	8. 162 Candles & History Repeating

**A/N: So this is the first of those episodes that I didn't really feel needed writing in total. 162 Candles was very Stelena centric so I've just done a little summary of what happened and then moved right into History Repeating.  
I do not own the Vampire Diaries. **

**162 Candles & History Repeating**

_Summary: Damon gives Liz Forbes vervain. Lexi comes to town for Stefan's birthday. Elena is struggling with what she wants and what she thinks she should do. Bonnie shows Elena that she is a witch. Damon instructs Caroline to throw a party which he encourages Stefan and Lexi to attend. Damon demands that Caroline retrieve his crystal from Bonnie. Lexi talks to Elena about Stefan and love "when it's real you can't walk away". Damon kills Lexi while Stefan and Elena watch on. Stefan threatens to kill Damon and Elena begs him not to. Stefan and Damon have an epic fight and Stefan 'spares' his life. _

**History Repeating**

Okay, yes. I killed Lexi. It was for the greater good. The town will be off our backs now, pitchforks down, fires out. And then there's the real reason. Lexi reminds me, of times that I don't want to be reminded of. Of things I did that I might not necessarily be proud of, guilt that I don't want to feel, that I haven't felt in a long time. So I killed her. No need to see her, no need to feel.

Having said that I decide to make nice with Stefan, I did just kill his best friend after all so I apologise and now that that's out of the way I can focus on getting my damn crystal back. I go directly to Bonnie and try to convince her to give it up but she seems a little...unwilling. Honestly this is driving me nuts. I **need** that crystal. Stupid Caroline, this is all her fault.

Stefan catches up to me in the Grill. He wants something, haven't figured out what it is yet but he definitely wants something. I decide I may as well play along until I find out what it is and then I can choose whether to give it to him or not.

Bourbon, darts and football? This is all very nostalgic inducing and it would be nice...if there wasn't an ulterior motive. And then he has to go and ruin it.

"_It wasn't real Damon. Our love for Katherine. She compelled us, we didn't have a choice" _

Oh no. No thank you very much. Nope, nope, nope. Don't wanna talk about that. Not tonight. Not now. Probably not ever.

As I make to leave we get to the point...the ulterior motive.

"_What do you want with Katherine's crystal?" _how does he know it belonged with Katherine? I was with her on that last night.

"_I was the last one to see her"_ Oh. Well. Oh. That's...painful. He asks again what I want with it, what she didn't tell him?

"_We had other things on our mind" _and that's it...anger. I want to **hurt** him. But he's my brother. Fucking rules. Whatever, I have better things to do and I don't really see the point in hiding the truth anymore so I tell him what he wants to know. _"I'm gonna bring her back" _yup. That's my _diabolical _plan. I'm going to save Katherine.

Stefan gets a little history lesson as I fill him in on what happened in 1864 with Emily's spell, the tomb-spell sealed Katherine inside, in return I protected Emily's children and swore to protect her bloodline and now I'm gonna save Katherine.

Or. Not.

I'm running as soon as I hear Elena on the phone. Fell's church. That's where Emily/Bonnie is going and I **can't** let her destroy that crystal. This is what I've been living for, one hundred and forty five years. I protected her entire family for _generations_ and **this** is how she repays me?

She throws me into a tree and stakes me and this is why I feed on people because I can't get it out and I'm stuck there until Stefan comes and gets me down. Emily is filling Stefan in on the parts that I missed out and then he turns on me but I tell him that I just want Katherine.

"_This isn't about love is it? This is about revenge."_

Yes Stefan - if revenge is what Katherine wants then I'm **all** about that. If she wants to burn this town to the ground them I'll light the damn match myself. Because I **loved** her. So yes. The two concepts are not mutually exclusive brother.

I watch, unable to do a thing to stop Emily from destroying the crystal, well deals off now bitch. Your family is fair game and **I am pissed**. Despite this I know in parts of myself that Emily was controlling Bonnie, that it's not really her fault and that she's Elena's friend. So I don't kill her. But it's close. Saint Stefan to the rescue as always.

Elena looks at me disgusted but I am beyond caring right now. It's over. Everything I have done...all this time I've waited. I have lived for this, breathed for this, **killed** for this and now it's over. I have nothing left. Nothing left to live for. No purpose. Nothing left to die for. I am...bereft.

I tell Stefan the truth for once; _"Katherine never compelled me. I knew everything every step of the way. It was real for me...I'll leave now" _I have nothing to stay for. No home. No family except Stefan who hates me and wants me gone. No friends. No purpose. Nothing.

Right now I simply wish to stop existing, I never wanted this life in the first place and my past has been a sordid, dark and twisted mess. Nobody will miss me if I meet the sun.

_Dear Diary,  
We have a new history teacher – Mr. Saltzman. That's the only 'normal' news I have to offer you today. _

_I told Bonnie to stay away from Damon, he might not hurt me but that doesn't mean he won't hurt my friends. Apparently the crystal she has that Damon wants back belonged to Katherine but it was given to her by Bonnie's ancestor Emily Bennett. We had a girl's night with Caroline, or at least that was the plan until Bonnie got POSSESSED by Emily!_

_Damon ATTACKED Bonnie, he tore into her neck right in front of me...I was so worried about her but Stefan made her drink his blood and she's okay now. Regardless I can't help but feel that if Damon really wanted her dead then she would have been dead. And she's not. _

_I told her everything. And I told Stefan the truth, that I can do this, be with him. That I WANT to be with him but he said that he can't. He's going to leave. How can he leave me? He said that it was a mistake coming home, but how can something that feels so right be a mistake? _

_I don't want him to leave and I told him so but he walked away from me even though I begged him to stay. Why is he leaving me? Why does EVERYBODY leave me? Will Damon leave too? Do I even care if Damon leaves? I know I shouldn't...but...I do.  
Elena_

**Don't forget to review! Again – very hard work doing this – good to know people are reading/enjoying/hating it! **


	9. The Turning Point

**A/N: So this is a little shorter – needed to be done though and unfortunately this is the first time that we don't get to see Elena's Diary because there was just nowhere to make it work. Girl had NO time to journal in this episode. But not to worry – she'll catch you all up in Bloodlines.  
As ever I do not own the Vampire Diaries and thank you to those reviewing/following/favouriting. **

**The Turning Point**

"**There aint no rest for the wicked...aint nothin' in this world for free"**

After spending the night wallowing in my own misery I decide that I've had enough of that. It's really more Stefan's style than mine. I will figure out another way. There **must** be another way. I've come this far and I can't just give up at the first hurdle. So...I don't know, I'll travel around a bit, find some witches, see what I can find out I suppose.

Or. Not.

The Sheriff comes to visit and tells me that there's another vampire in town. Who? Where? What? Still, it is Mystic Falls – this place is like a beacon for the supernatural. I happen to _love_ the irony of this situation. Vampire hunters coming to a vampire asking for help hunting vampires. There is something beautifully poetic in that. Granted the hunters don't know that I'm the hunter but still.

Stefan automatically assumes that I've killed someone, thanks for the vote of confidence baby bro but I quickly correct him on his mistake and tell him that we've got some company. Doesn't mean I can't play with him a little bit though.

"_Oh what do we care, we're leaving anyway right?" _

Wrong...wait for it...

"_No, I can't leave now and you know that." _Bingo. There it is. The Stefan we all know and love. Oh well, so much for travelling the world. I suppose I'll just have to figure something out from here. But man it's good to have a purpose again. The timing could **not** be better.

I get Barbie to help me out with the vampire compass and run directly into the wooden bullets of one Logan Fell. I killed that guy. Clearly it didn't take. Seriously though, this guy is an idiot - who in their right mind turned him?

Now I'm going to have to kill him – again. Make it stick this time. Honestly I hate digging bullets out of myself and now I'm all...icky...and covered in blood.

Logan talks a **lot** but proves somewhat useful at providing information and I _really_ want to know who turned him which is the only reason I haven't killed him before I'm riddled with wooden bullets – again. Dammit. I **knew** I should have just killed him when I had the chance.

After I get home I call Stefan to update him on Logan Fells new vamped up status but as he informs me he already knows and Logan is at the school so I guess that's my next stop. That guy is dead. Dead-dead this time.

As I'm on the way Stefan alerts me to the news that Fell has kidnapped Caroline and as much as I dislike the girl she _is_ the sheriff's daughter so...Damon to the rescue. Again I ask – when did this become my speciality? Because it's **so** not me. I rip Logan out of the car and damn! Payback is a bitch.

Stefan's on his way dealing with Caroline leaving me to deal with the new baby vamp of Mystic Falls.

"_You think you're the only one that wants to get in that tomb underneath the old church?" _Well...that...changes things.

"_There's another way to break the spell...we can help you" _We? Who? Things I need to know! He could be lying to save his life but he could also be telling the truth and maybe the information I need **can** be found in this cursed town after all so I let him go; claiming weakness when Liz arrives.

I'm waiting at the old church for Logan, there's no harm in hearing him out and if he's lying I'll just kill him...slowly. Exceptionally...slowly. And then Liz Forbes calls to _thank_ me for taking out Logan. They've found his body apparently.

Wow this is **NOT** my day. Week. Month. Year. Decade. **Century**.

Can't a guy catch a fucking break?

On second thought – I hear the sounds of a car crash and I start running. Could be dinner after all.

As I get closer I hear her. _Elena. _It's **Elena**. _Go fucking faster Damon_ is my mantra as her scream permeates the air.

**A/N: If anyone is desperate to read Bloodlines sooner than tomorrow then you know what to do – review and let me know! **


	10. Bloodlines

**A/N: So because you guys are awesome here I give you: Bloodlines – our first proper foray into the epic journey that is Delena. Had a lot of fun writing this one so I hope you all enjoy it. It's the longest one so far I think – and now I am going to relish in the unusual sunshine here in the UK!  
I do not own TVD all rights to those who do. Don't forget to review. **

**Bloodlines **

"**You could be my unintended choice to live my life extended  
You could be the one I'll always love  
She could never be as good as you  
You should be the one I'll always love"**

All I can think as I'm running is _please, please god don't let me be too late. _And then I'm there. I don't know who the vampire is that caused her to crash her car but I'm not even considering going after him and finding out because all that matters is Elena and making sure she is okay.

"_Damon" _I don't think I've ever heard my name sound sweeter.

I get her out of the car and then she's in my arms and even in this horrible moment I feel that fire between us. Seriously does she feel that? Or is there just something wrong with me? But really I'm too worried about her to fixate on that as I set her upright and try to get her to focus. My hand on her face, my thumb grazes her lips and there is _so_ much heat there. So much...desire. This is getting absurd.

And then she says 4 little words "_I look like her" _before passing out in my arms.

Well.

I guess that cats out of the bag then. It doesn't really explain what she's doing out here in the middle of the night but she smells like my _brother_ – yuk – and he does have that picture in his room – but I guess we can get to that sure to be sorry story later. I check her over briefly for broken bones before collecting her in my arms and then I'm carrying her to safety.

Once I've made sure she's safely deposited in my car I go back and move hers off of the road and then I decide I may as well take her with me on my impromptu visit to see a witch I used to know in Georgia.

Elena sleeps most of the night and she's so silent I'd be worried she was dead most of the time were it not for her very alive human heartbeat reassuring me. She's exceptionally demanding when she finally wakes up but I do as she asks and pull over, rushing around the car when she appears to be in pain.

"_We have to go back" _she says, but we're practically there and I'm not driving all the way back when we're this close so I tease her about not having her necklace, not that I'd ever actually compel her anyway.

"_What are you trying to prove?" _she demands. Nothing. I...don't know. Luckily I'm saved having to come up with an answer by the cell phone; Stefan being overly dramatic as usual. She doesn't want to talk to him – seriously what happened there?

Eventually I convince her to take a time out, _"problems are still gonna be there when you get home" _I tell her. _"Step away from your life for 5 minutes. 5 minutes." _Seems as good a plan as any if you ask me.

There's a little bit of back and forth

"_Am I gonna be safe with you" – _yes  
_"you promise not to do that...mind control thing with me?" – _yes  
_"Can I trust you" – _just...get in the car already. Did I not just tell her to trust me two minutes ago?

Well anyway it worked; she got back in the car. I wonder if it was my charm, my good looks, my puppy dog eyes or my sound logic that changed her mind in the end.

We arrive at Bree's where I'm rewarded with a kiss and shots, I drink Elena's for her which earns me one of those magnificent smiles and this day is already turning into one of the best I've had in the last...well, a really fucking long time anyway.

They chatter about me for a while _"he's good in the sack isn't he?" _Bree questions Elena. What I wouldn't give to be able to read Elena's mind right about now. Unfortunately I'm not one of those weird Twilight vampires who sparkle but that's beside the point.

I am not 'good' in the sack. I am the best you've ever had. Or never had in Elena's case. But that's a depressing road I don't really want to go down today and Bree breaks my thought process by asking what it is I want.

And isn't that the million dollar question? What do I want? Elena goes outside to make a call so I take the opportunity to talk to Bree alone because this is probably not the best time for an existential crisis so we'll stick with the plan. Katherine. Tomb. Spell.

"_After all these years, it's still only Katherine?" _ Yes. Maybe. I don't know. But I do know that she's all I've got, or could have and it's infinitely better than nothing. Bree tells me that Emily's spell is absolute and I can't get in the tomb but there **must** be a fucking way. There has to be.

In the meantime I'll spend some time with Elena; if nothing else it sure will piss off Stefan which is always fun. I overhear her on the phone with him and go outside to see if she's okay.

"_Don't pretend to care...I know you're gloating inside" _Ouch. Apparently my skills at making sure she's okay need to be worked on. Okay I'm gloating a _little_. How does she **know** that?

And I **do** care. Sort of. About her anyway. Anything else...not so much. We could leave now, I've probably got as much out of Bree as I'm going to but I don't want to waste this opportunity to spend some quality time with Elena – I'll probably never get another chance as good as this.

We eat burgers and her questions about Katherine both intrigue me and baffle me. If they were related, which they clearly _are_ then Katherine must have had a child. But when? Whose? How did I not know this? Why didn't she tell me?

I give Elena a little vampire101 and she asks me if this _"nice act...is any of it real?" _but I don't even bother responding to that one. Let her work that out on her own.

She decides to start drinking and man is this girl _fun_ when she finally lets loose. Seriously she is wasted on my brother. Is this the girl she was before her parents died? Before she became sad girl? Normal Elena is...well I'm not sure yet but fun Elena is _even _better.

Everything was going great, we drank some, played some pool, I went to the bathroom, everything was great and then...it wasn't.

"_Where's your girl?" _Elena. Gone. Doors open and I can smell her and I follow and find her phone discarded on the ground but not her so I walk around back and then I hear;

"_Damon, no" _and I'm on the ground being attacked with **something** by _someone_ and I can hear Elena panicking and Stefan's going to **FUCKING KILL** me if something happens to her.

Then the guy pours gas all over me and yep. I'm gonna die. **So** not how I wanted to go and if my bones would just _heal_ I could kill this man. Still at least I got to spend my last day with Elena.

But then Elena's talking and Elena's _pleading_ for my life...

"_Don't. Please. Don't hurt him." _She sounds like she's going to cry. Why? Why is she trying to save me? Not that I'm complaining but why?

"_Don't do this. I'm begging you. Please" _Yep.Begging. Begging – for me. This is...odd.

He throws me into the wall and I think most of my body is broken but I'm not dead-dead and thank Elena for that. I swear I hear her whisper "_thank you" _but then he's gone and she's there beside me and I'm still...undead..and she _saved_ me.

When I finally get my body back together again I send Elena back to the car and return to Bree to clear up a little unfinished business.

"_The tomb can be opened" _Lying. She's lying. But then she goes on and what she says makes a lot of sense, but it doesn't make a _difference_. Bree has served her purpose. And she nearly had me killed in the process so I rip her heart out and I **am** almost sorry. Just not enough to not do it.

Elena asks me why I took her with me and I figure she's done enough for me to deserve my honesty, plus I'm not big on lying...unlike my brother apparently.

"_You were there in the road all damsel-in-distress like. And I knew it would piss of Stefan...and you're not the worst company in the world, Elena" _I tell her.

"_I used to be more fun" – "you did okay" – "I saved your life" – _I know.

"_And don't you forget it"_

Oh I won't. I will **NEVER** forget it. _Trust_ me.

_Dear Diary,  
So much has happened that I'm not even sure where to start. _

_Okay let's see...I think something is going on with Caroline and Matt. Logan Fell is a vampire. Or was. I'm not sure which, I think Damon took care of it but I forgot to ask him in all the...confusion. _

_I told Stefan that I love him...I know it seems really fast and everything but it just made sense. It felt right. At the time. We slept together and afterwards he left to get me a drink and I found a picture of Katherine. Who could be my identical twin. When I found it I was so angry and hurt, I thought that he was just using me, trying to replace her so I took off my necklace and left it on top of the picture before fleeing the house. _

_And then I crashed my car...there was a man, a vampire...in the middle of the road. Really my luck with cars is not proving all that great. Maybe I should consider just walking everywhere._

_Damon saved me. I have never been so relieved to see him since...well since I met him. He got me out of the car and then I passed out. And then I woke up in Georgia of all places. I was kinda pissed at first but then he kept telling me to take a 'time out' from my life and just forget about my problems and everything he said just made a whole lot of sense and I was so angry at Stefan that I wanted to get away from it all and Damon just looked so...enthusiastic about it that I ended up going along with it. _

_We met his friend Bree who is also a witch. Or was. I mean...Damon went back in after everything happened and I think she tried to have him killed and I don't think he would have let her live after that...but I'm getting ahead of myself. _

_I called Stefan and he wanted me to tell him where I was so he could come get me but I didn't because I didn't really want him to come get me. I was angry at him and I was having a nice time with Damon (yeah – weird I know!) and I wanted to spend some time with him and try to get to know him a bit better so I didn't tell Stefan. _

_I ended up getting a little drunk and having a lot of fun...I felt like the old me for a while there, the fun girl that I used to be. Being with Damon...I felt, free, for just a little while. Then aunt Jenna called and I went outside to talk to her and a vampire grabbed me...I was so worried about Damon because I knew he would come looking for me and when he did I called out to him but it was too late. _

_The man started attacking Damon and from then I was just working on pure fear...I had to get to him. Keep the vampire talking – turns out he was Lexi's boyfriend...or...mate or whatever you call a vampires significant other. I just knew that I needed to save Damon all I could think in my mind was 'not him. Please not him'. _

_Apparently my incessant talking worked because he left and Damon is okay now thank God. But that's why I think he probably killed Bree, even if he didn't say anything about it. I don't really know how I feel about that. _

_When we got back to Mystic Falls Damon brought me back to see Stefan. He told me everything, I think. I mean I can't be sure that he's not still keeping things from me because he seems to be pretty good at that but he told me that he is the one who saved my life the night my parents car went off the bridge, he said that I am not Katherine, that I am the opposite of everything that she was and that he's not trying to use me to replace her. And then he told me I'm adopted. _

_Adopted. You go your whole life believing something. Never questioning it and then it all comes crashing down around you. How did I not know this? How could they not tell me?_

_I think I really need to take some time and process everything, it feels like my life has been turned upside down and inside out in the last few weeks and it's just SO much.  
Elena_


	11. Unpleasantville

**A/N: Thank you all for your response to Bloodlines – reviews feed my happiness! I do not own the Vampire Diaries – On with the show! **

**Unpleasantville **

"**I need another like a brother  
For a cryin' shoulder"**

I may have made a _tiny _mess of the house in my hours of searching for information about Emily's grimoire. Fabby Stefan's arrived – he's talking away but I only start listening when he says _"Putting Elena in harm's way – that is my concern" _Oh Stefan, ever the dramatic. _"I'm talking about Atlanta" _Yeah I got that. She didn't tell him about the vampire did she? Surely not.

"_Elena and I had a blast" – _oh brother if you only knew how true that is. You have seen nothin' of that girl yet.

"_You're just bitter because one of us gets to be with the person that we love and poor Katherine is just out of reach – unless there's another way for you to get into that tomb" _I don't even rise to it, I know what he's doing and it's pathetic. God go **away **Stefan. Leave me in peace for 2 minutes. You know it's a huge house...or, school...or...Elena. Do something. Thank god he leaves.

I need to take a break for all this searching and I need a drink which I could have in the house but then I would just keep searching and that would defeat the purpose. So I come to the Grill and walk right into Miss Bonnie Bennett. Another feisty little thing...honestly do the people in this town learn nothing from their history books? Movies? Anything?

"_You tried to kill me" – "But I didn't – and if I wanted to I would've, does that not count for anything" – _it should! – "_you know I can start fires with my mind? Fires kill vampires, right?" _– Well, that's not creepy at all. Damn witches.

Some guy comes up to make sure she's okay – again people with no fear. I consider doing something to change that but we're in the Grill surrounded by people and to be quite honest I just can't be bothered. I wanted to try and make nice with the witch, she's Elena's friend and it **never **hurts to have a witch on your side but it's really not a big deal and I haven't even had my drink yet. I think I'm...changing. Ugh.

I'm back home and back to the searching when Stefan brings me dad's journal which yes I was looking for so thank you very much for that. However he doesn't need to know the truth so I play dumb and ask him why he brought it.

"_Gee, I don't know. Maybe you want to do a little posthumous bonding" – _uh – no thanks I think I'm all good. _"Nowhere in it does it say anything about Katherine, or the tomb or how to open it" _– well I suppose it's a good thing that's not what I was looking for then isn't it? See don't know everything do ya brother?

"_I'm really sorry that it won't be any help with your diabolical plan: the sequel" _Ooh Stefan made a funny. Wonders will never cease. God he is _so _transparent. He offers to help me. Him? Help me? In what universe?

"_I'll do anything to get you out of this town" _Well that's a bit more believable I suppose.

"_Katherine...I would consider that" _I don't believe him. He's up to something. He's **always **up to something. Why would I trust him?

"_That's your problem Damon, you apply all of your shortcomings to everybody else – if history's any indication there's only one liar among us" _– um, yeah...**you. **You seriously want to play that game brother?

You lie _all _the time. You've **never **given me a reason to trust you and every time I have you've destroyed it. You're lying to yourself, you're lying to Elena and you're lying to me. Honestly though that is a conversation for another time – he finally leaves so I can look at dear old dad's journal in peace. Thank god the memory keeping/writing gene skipped me. Then again I do take after my mother in most ways. Another topic for another time.

Wow a man can't get a minute's peace to read in this place. Stefan's calling me. Elena was nearly attacked and all thoughts of journals and tombs and spells are left at the door as I started running.

Seriously...was I not **explicitly **clear when I told her to be careful who you invite in the house because I _thought _I'd made myself obvious.

"_He was invited in...He posed as a pizza delivery guy last night" _– well...points for creativity I suppose. Quite a clever ruse – _"did he say what he wanted?" _I ask.

"_No, he was too busy trying to __kill __me" _– yes and I'm _trying _to avoid focusing on that so I **don't **rip somebody's heart out right now Elena.

Thankfully Stefan decides now is a good time to play the blame game which takes my mind off of it but honestly – he thinks I have something to do with this?

That I would **allow **harm to come to Elena? I _told _him we had company in town. Baby bro really does not know me.

"_Damon he was invited in." _Yup. Got that memo brother. Could be fun for me, I might actually get to kill somebody tonight. I tell Elena to let Stefan take her to the dance, he'll show up wherever she is and the house isn't safe right now.

"_I'll do it"_ So brave. So fucking brave. "_I'll be with the two of you – I'll be safe" _- I can't tell you how nice it is to be included in that sentence. That she believes she's safe with me. Which she is, obviously. I'd never knowingly allow something to happen to her.

So off to the dance we go. I try to make nice with the witch again but it's just not happening – judgy little thing. Honestly I hope this vampire shows his face soon because as beautiful as Elena is and as nice as it might be to see her having fun it's getting a _little _sickening to watch her dance with my brother.

The new history teacher comes and introduces himself. Hopefully I won't have to kill this one or it really **will **become the cursed faculty position. This guy asks an awful lot of questions though and something feels a fraction _off _about him.

I was dancing and then I realised she was gone. Elena. Gone. I left as quickly as possible without giving all of my secrets away and run right into Stefan. We hear her scream and get there just in time I guess.

Smart girl that she is tried to fight back. As much as I want to tear him apart from limb to limb right now we need answers. Which doesn't mean we can't have some fun in the meantime.

Stefan goes first. _"Why are you doing this?" – "Because it's fun" – "What do you want with Elena?" – "She looks like Katherine" _Huh? What now? **He** knew Katherine?

"_Aw you thought you were the only ones" _Well...yeah. Christ she had **two **brothers, where did she find time for this one as well? Never mind it's my turn for answers.

"_Tell me how to get in the tomb" – "no" – _hmmm well, that's not going to work for me.

"_The grimoire" – _Yeah I **know **that jackass. Where **is **it? _"Read Jonathon Gilbert's journal" _Honestly what is it with the journals? Can't anything just be _simple _for once? I let Stefan have the satisfaction of killing him; Elena is **his **girlfriend after all.

Elena seems a little...panicky. _"He had to die" _I try to reassure her but I have to go deal with a lurker who happens to be the teacher. I compel him to forget and go find Stefan while Elena checks on Jeremy.

Stefan knows about the grimoire now, got it all worked out. He says again that he wants to help _"you and Katherine go and the other 26 vampires die" _and again I ask why I should trust him. Why now?

"_Because I'm your brother" _Nope. Not gonna work. Not this time.

"_Because I want you gone" _And again. **That **is believable. Slightly hurtful I admit but I understand it. Don't like it but I get it. So. Okay. I'll give it a shot – this trust thing, him helping me. We'll try it. Maybe.

_Dear Diary,  
Stefan gave me vervain for my friends and family and I bought Caroline a necklace and filled it with vervain. I think Damon is leaving her alone and I know he rescued her when Logan Fell took her but it doesn't hurt to make sure she's protected. _

_The vampire from the road called me; "you hit me with your car – you got away from me – you won't next time" which wasn't creepy at all. I went to Stefan, not that he made me feel much better. He told me that they are predators. "We hunt, we stalk, it's often as exciting as the kill" – great. Just what I needed to hear. _

_He gave me Jers' pocket watch which turns out to be a tracking device. It's odd how safe I feel with Stefan. I know I shouldn't he's a vampire for god's sake but I do. I feel safe and protected. It's probably ODDER that I feel that way about Damon as well. But I do. _

_I talked to Jenna about my birth mom and she told me that she was a 16 year old runaway and her name was Isobel. _

_The vampire from the road got into my house and tried to kill me but Stefan arrived and he ran away then Damon came and we all went to the Decade Dance to try and lure him out. I was watching Damon dance with some girl and god he is sexy but no. So not the point. _

_Stefan went after who we thought was the vampire and I was looking for Damon but he called me again and threatened Jeremy so I had to go and then I was running and he was there and I tried to fight him off but honestly I thought I was going to die. And then Damon and Stefan were there. Stefan killed him. _

_When Stefan brought me home he told me that he told Damon he would help him get in the tomb and get Katherine back but he is lying. He let Damon believe that he could trust him. He said he was worried about telling me because Damon and I have 'bonded' lately but like I told Stefan it's going to take more than Georgia to make me forget what's happened. _

_Damon might be changing and I might feel...something for him but it doesn't undo the past and I don't want the tomb open or Katherine back either. If Katherine gets out when what's to stop her from taking them BOTH away from me?_

_It wasn't just Damon who loved her after all. So I promised Stefan I would help him, whatever it takes. That doesn't mean I don't feel a little guilty about it though. Because I do.  
Elena_


	12. Children Of The Damned

**A/N: So although Elena was kidnapped by Anna at the end of COTD we're going to pretend like she wrote in her diary when she got home from the gravesite with Stefan before she was kidnapped m'kay? Good stuff. Enjoy!  
I do not own the Vampire Diaries but god I wish I did.  
P.S – Thank you all so much for the reviews –you literally make my day. Every day. And to the guest who reviewed – Thank you SO much – keep it up guys. **

**Children Of The Damned **

"**It's hard to believe  
that there's nobody out there  
It's hard to believe  
That I'm all alone"**

Watching Stefan and Elena in bed...icky **but** I'm in a good mood. Hopefully soon I'll have Katherine back and we can leave and put this town and _Elena _behind me. Katherine has been the driving force. The **plan **for 145 years and its time is finally coming to fruition. No matter what I _feel _for this girl, I'm sure it's just a shadow. A reflection; a projection.

Oh good they're awake "_now that we're all friends and working towards a common goal" – _namely wanting me to leave. Does she want me to leave? Do I care? Yes. No point in lying to myself.

I recap what we know so far, grimoire, spell that opens the tomb and task Elena _Gilbert _with journal duty.

"_Since when am I helping?" _Hmm, maybe that answers the question of whether she wants me to leave or not. Regardless Stefan is helping and since _"you've taken up residence in Stefan's bed" _and again. Yuk. Not something I need to be hearing. Damn vampire senses.

Elena sits up and asks what a grimoire is – _"it's a witch's cookbook" _– giving me a delightful glimpse of her upper body which I'm trying **not **to focus on.

"_You know I really like this whole ménage a threesome thing – it's got a bit of a kink to it" – _not that I was all that much fun the first time around – _"don't screw it up" _with that helpful advice I leave them to it.

I decide to join Elena and Stefan at her house for 'family night' – might as well spend some time with her. _Them_, before I leave. It's a good way to pass the time anyway.

I'm having a nice conversation with Aunt Jenna while waiting for Elena and Stefan to show up and preparing dinner. Yep that's me. Your friendly neighbourhood vampire - exceptionally handy in the kitchen. It's the Italian roots.

"_My father never approved of anyone I dated, which only made me want them more of course" _I tell Jenna. Yeah, I'll say. Dear daddy tried to kill my girlfriend; sort of. There she is. Elena.

"_Hello, Elena"_ no Stefan though. He'll be back soon she says.

I have to ask her. I have to know. I don't know but this girl...Elena...I feel like I can trust her. And I trust no-one. So I ask.

"_Is it real?" – "Is what real" – "this renewed sense of brotherhood, can I trust him?" – "yes you can trust him"_

Um are ya sure? 'Cause your eyes are saying something different and you're turning away from me which is never a good sign. Nope. Not gonna cut it. Let's try that again.

"_Can I trust him?" – "I'm wearing vervain Damon it's not gonna work" – _what? She thinks I'm trying to _compel _her? Really? I** told **her I wouldn't do that to her.

"_I'm not compelling you" _why would you think that Elena? "_I just want you to answer me...honestly" – "of course you can". _

I _think _she's lying. But she looks so sincere and she sounds so sincere and it's _Elena _and I **want **to believe her so I'm going to try and put my trust issues aside for her, because this girl, I **want **to believe in.

My brother destroyed my trust a looong time ago but Elena, well maybe she can give me something to believe in again. **Someone **to believe in.

I play some X-Box with her brother and give him some girl advice; "_hot trumps weird" _ironically enough it's this moment that Jenna says to Elena _"He's ridiculously hot" _well thanks. "_Shhh! He's an ass" _– Elena's joking. I think. She didn't deny that I'm 'ridiculously' hot though. Hot trumps weird, I wonder if hot trumps ass.

Ah brother has finally arrived, he looks a little...un-nerved to see me here. He tells me about his field trip to see the teacher; I'm so sure there's something off about that guy. After a little to-ing and fro-ing I decide to go straight to the source. Jeremy Gilbert. Apparently he told the hot weird chick Anna about the journal so I tell him to come with me so I can find out who this girl is; she wants him to meet her at the Grill.

Anna. Annabel. Pearl's daughter, 1864. Pearl is in the tomb. Now I get it. She wants her mother back, she must have the journal.

I'm waiting for her when she gets back to the dingy motel room she's been cooped up in since "_half past comet" _apparently watching me "_screw up every chance I had to open the tomb" _well I'm sorry my idiot brother got in the way of my best laid plans. He kinda has a habit of doing that; funny thing really.

**She **turned Logan Fell. _"Logan was an idiot" _– you don't say!

So daddy had the grimoire huh? Surprise surprise. I take a quick glance through the journal and my suspicions are confirmed. I know where it is. "_Sorry. I work alone" _I tell Anna. Well alone except for Elena...and Stefan I guess. Time to visit dear old Papa Salvatore.

Well.

Would you look at that? If it isn't Stefan and Elena. And my not so dearly departed father of course. On the plus side they have saved me the time of grave digging, and robbing.

"_I can't let you bring her back. I'm sorry" – _why Stefan? Seriously, why? **ALL **i want is Katherine and then we'll go, and he doesn't sound very fucking sorry to top it off. But I am.

"_So am I for thinking for even a second that I could trust you" _– I can't stop the crack in my voice when I speak. I'm such a fucking idiot. _"You are not __capable __of trust, the fact that you're here means that you read the journal and you were planning on doing this yourself" – _apparently the idea that I might have been trying to save him from digging up his father's grave never occurred to him. The father that he _killed _I might add. But obviously I'm not going to say that.

"_Of course I was gonna do it by myself because the only one I can count on is me – you made sure of that many years ago Stefan. But __**you**_" – Elena. God and I'm hurt. Really. Actually. Hurt. "_...you had me fooled." _At least she has the good grace to look guilty, she opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out.

Too late now anyway.

"_...if you try and destroy that I'll rip her heart out" – "you won't kill her" _– fuck, fuck him. I grab Elena. _"I can do one better" _and force her to drink my blood. God I **hate **that I have to do this. But I _have _to.

"_Give me the book Stefan or I'm snapping her neck then you and I will have a vampire girlfriend." _Again.

I won't do it. I would never do it, I don't think I _could _do it but he doesn't need to know that.

"_Let her go first" – "the book" – "I'm not going to give this to you until she is standing next to me" –_for god's sake. Just give me the damn book already. "_But the problem is that I no longer trust that you'll give it back!" – "you just did the one thing that ensures that I will" _– What? Really Stefan? Is he...serious right now? He would hate for Elena to be a vampire that much?

Well...that makes...no sense. But I know he's being truthful and I hate holding Elena like this and feeling her fighting against me although I know I'm not hurting her. She's got her hands on me and I can feel them burning me again and then Stefan puts down the book.

I press my face into Elena's hair briefly, just a minute. I'm angry as all hell at her right now but I _need _her at the same time. And I need her to be okay. She doesn't seem scared and I'm sure she'll be pissed at me but hell I'm pissed at her. I smell her hair one last time trying to memorise the scent before I let her go. I can't help reaching out and smoothing down her hair and stroking her back before she runs back to Stefan. I hope she knows that this is my way of apologising.

Stefan takes her away and I take the book.

Being here reminds me of the night they took Katherine. The night we died.

"_Do you know what will happen if you're branded a sympathiser – you'll be killed along with them" _my father shouted at me when I tried to stop them taking Katherine.

"_Then let me be killed" _Yes. Please. Let me.

_Dear Diary,  
I asked Stefan today if he thought that Damon believed us when we said we were helping him. He said that he didn't think Damon knows what to believe. "Trust isn't something that comes naturally to him". I felt really bad, I'm beginning to understand Damon more every day and I really think that he believes that everything he's done, every move that he's made he's done for love. It's twisted, but kind of sad. _

_Stefan said that Damon has no regard for human life. That he enjoys inflicting pain on others but I don't really believe that. I think maybe Stefan doesn't know his brother as well as he thinks he does. Then again I've only known Damon for a few months and he's known him for more than 145 year so what do I really know? _

_Damon came over tonight and cooked dinner for us. It was actually, really nice, and, sweet. I felt awful when he asked me if he could trust Stefan. I hate lying at the best of times but I hate lying to Damon even more. He always tells me the truth. But I had to lie; I'm trying to protect people. People that I love. People that I care about. And Stefan said that if Katherine gets out then he thinks a lot of people are going to die. So I had to keep lying. _

_Stefan got a copy of the journal and figured out that the grimoire was buried with his father so we had to go dig up his grave. Not exactly your average Wednesday night date but nothing about my life is average anymore. _

_And then Damon turned up. God. I've never felt so awful in my life. But I didn't even know what to say, what could I say? This is my home and I don't want that tomb opened so I did what I had to. _

_Damon forced me to drink his blood. I should be angry at him but I just can't find it in myself. I understand why he did it; and I'm not sure I believed him when he said he would snap my neck. No. I didn't believe him. I'm hurt that he did it, but I hurt him first so...I'm not saying I deserved it, but I understand it. When he let me go, he pressed his face into my hair and then stroked my back – I think it was his way of saying sorry. But god I don't think I'll ever get the image of his face out of my mind. I feel so terrible about the whole damn thing. _

_When we got home Stefan told me that Damon was right, that it was his fault. I tried to reassure him that we didn't do anything wrong but I can't help feeling like I did...  
Elena_


	13. Fool Me Once

**A/N: Another one of my favourites to write – at the end I actually cried writing this – I was watching the episode at the same time and I strongly suggest you watch the scene while reading it – the bit where Damon's in front of the fireplace after speaking to Anna and Pearl. Hope you enjoy this one!  
I do not own the Vampire Diaries. All rights to those mad geniuses who do. **

**Fool Me Once**

"**You know that I could use somebody,  
You know that I could use somebody,  
Someone like you and all  
You know and how you speak"**

Stefan hasn't been home all night and I've been studying the grimoire – not that I understand a whole lot of it but it passes the time and right now I'm fresh outta witches. And he's back.

"_Anna took Elena" _Uh-huh. I'm well aware of that from your six _hundred _voicemails. He tells me he's been out all night searching which is what I figured but really...you've searched _every _street and **haven't **found her? What kind of useless vampire _are _you? I could have found that girl in ten minutes by scent and heartbeat alone.

But, but Damon, what if you're blood hasn't passed out of her system? God shut up. First of all Anna's not going to _kill _her - she's leverage. It's actually very smart and I'd be more impressed if it wasn't Elena we were talking about. And secondly, if she somehow _does _manage to get killed, and let's face it, the girl **does **seem to be a danger magnet; then at least we know we'll see her again.

Which is exactly what I tell Stefan only I replace the 'we' with 'you'; I'm still pissed as all hell at him **and **Elena so I'm in no mood for pandering to him. He asks me again to tell him where Anna is _"you must know" _Yep. I do. Not gonna tell you – you can go now.

"_All I can remember is hating you. There might have been a time when that was different but your choices have erased anything good about you" – _yeah. _Probably _not the best thing to say when you want my **help **Stefan, jees.

"_This all began with me. Katherine got taken away from you because of me" _Yep. That she did. Your fault. Again, not _really _making me want to help out here baby bro.

"_And I'm sorry" _– I give him an A for effort, I mean, it's a nice speech. Be a whole lot _nicer _if it was actually sincere and he wasn't just saying it so I'll help him find Elena. I tell him his apology is accepted and now we're back to the begging stage of this tiresome conversation.

"_It's Elena" _Yes. I'm well aware of that. I'd like to go now but one last thing before I do.

"_I mean this sincerely, I hope Elena. Dies" _Fuck that was really hard to **actually **say. I thought it in my head first but actually saying it out loud hurts. I obviously _don't _mean it sincerely but he wants to hate me, I give him something to hate. I'm the bad brother, remember?

I need to find me a witch and sadly the only one I know nearby happens to be Elena's judgy little friend Bonnie. Still, third time's the charm right? A woman who is also very judgy tells me she's not there and won't ever be. Apparently _"spirits talk" _which is kinda creepy if you ask me.

I challenge her to come outside and make me leave and yeah; well that was a bad idea. Wow. The pain. My brain feels like it's **burning. **Right well I'll just be...going home then.

I hear the phone ring and Stefan say _"Elena" _so I move to listen in. I knew I was right; Anna is using Elena as leverage. Apparently she also has the witch so I guess I'll go meet Anna then. Need that witch. And, um...Elena, obviously.

I meet Anna in the town square and I tell her again that I work alone but she's got the witch and I've got the spell-book so it seems we're at an impasse.

"_Stefan will come after you; you know that. For messing with Elena" – "then he won't be too happy if I __kill __her when I don't get what I want" _oh bloody hell. Okay okay. I don't _think_ she would really kill Elena but I don't **know **and that uncertainty is enough for me to agree to whatever the hell she wants.

"_God it's like 1864 all over again – you Salvatores are truly pathetic when it comes to women" _– yeah, tell me something I **don't **know.

I'm about to leave the house when Miss Elena arrives, seriously...now she just walks right on in. I don't really know what to say but eventually my brain kicks into gear. Stefan rescued her.

"_Ah brother. Ever the white knight" _she tells me that she's convinced witchy 1 and 2 to help open the tomb and says she's not sorry for getting the grimoire because she was protecting the people she loves. I guess I can understand that. Still it doesn't change anything and I tell her I'm not interested and start to walk away.

"_Yes you __are" _– damn voice pulls me back in again. _"Because you were willing to work with us yesterday" _- yeah well...fool me once shame on you. And then she has to go and bring up Atlanta. Why'd she have to do that?

"_Why didn't you use your compulsion on me" _now that I've accepted having this conversation I may as well be close to her while we're having it so I walk over to her. "_Who's to say I didn't?" – "You didn't – I know you didn't, but you could have" – _and now she's walking closer to **me. **Did she learn _nothing _from last night?

"_You and I, we have something..." _I'm sorry. Excuse me while I collect my jaw from the floor.

"_An understanding" _Oh. Well. Okay yes I suppose we have that too.

"_And I know that my betrayal hurt you different from how it is with you and Stefan" _– uh-huh. Am I nodding my head like a puppy dog? Very true. How is it that this girl just _gets _me? How does she know?

"_But I'm promising you this now I will help you get Katherine back" _God I'm conflicted, so conflicted. It's not that I don't trust her. I tell her I wish I could believe her but I do. It's not that.

I feel all...conflicted inside and I can't even work out exactly _why. _I _think _I might have been conflicted inside since the second I laid eyes on this girl. Then she shocks me. She takes off her necklace.

"_Ask me if I'm lying now" _but as I said, it's not about that now. I do believe her, possibly against my better judgement but I don't really care anymore.

"_You know Anna won't stop...no matter what I do" _I wonder if she even understands what I'm trying to say here. I pick up her necklace and clasp it back on placing my hands on her when I'm done. She's been honest with me today and she asked me a question to which I figure she deserves an honest answer.

"_I didn't compel you in Atlanta because we were having fun. I wanted it to be real" _the skip in her heart-beat makes my insides tense up and god...what is with this girl?

Elena and I walk to the tomb where we bump into Barbie and I'm probably rude but now that we're actually doing this I just want to get it over with. Get Katherine and get out; away from 'understandings' and conflictions.

I brought blood for Katherine and Stefan admits that he can't wait to get rid of me. I tell him to go and get the fire stuff ready for destroying the rest but it's only so I can take Elena inside. I'm stealing a page out of Anna's playbook – leverage.

Luckily Elena is a clever girl and understands this and she seems willing enough to come along so in we go. Stefan'll probably be pooped at me but I'll be gone so I won't have to deal with it. I probably scared her when I say that they can sense her and it is definitely _not okay _that I've just disappeared and left her alone but now I'm in here all I can focus on is finding Katherine.

She's not here. Not here. She's **NOT HERE. **Why is she not here? _How _is she not here? Where _is _she? I can't...what's...it doesn't...I saw...they locked her inside. Stefan keeps talking but I'm not listening. How could she not be in here?

"Damon" Elena. "Please." Elena.

Elena wants me to come out. It's Elena. Okay.

I can't process...it's too much...too confusing. I'm so...confused. And then Elena comes. Elena comes to me and she puts her arms around me and pulls me in to her and she says _"I'm sorry". _Yeah. Me too. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me. She saved me tonight. Again. Maybe I should start taking score.

I go to Anna. Why the fuck should she get what she wants? She knew Katherine wasn't in there. She must have known. Pearl tells me the truth _"The guard at the church...the one who locked us in...she promised to turn him...he was obsessed with her" _a recurring theme, from what I can tell. "_He let her go." _

"_She knew where you were Damon...she didn't care" _Knew where you were Damon. Didn't care. Knew where you were Damon. Didn't care. Didn't care.

Somehow I've found my way home, poured myself a drink and found a space in front of the fire. I hear Elena ask Stefan about me but maybe she doesn't care either...same face. No. I don't believe that. Elena saved my life. Twice now. We have an 'understanding' whatever the fuck that means.

Stefan comes and sits by me; he doesn't speak and I don't speak. But it's nice for the first time in 100 odd years to have my brother sit in silence by my side. And all I can hear in my head is _"she knew where you were Damon...she didn't care" _

_Dear Diary,  
I woke up in a motel room and it all came flooding back. Kidnapped. I tried to sneak out past the vampire but he woke up and tried to compel me and then the girl who took me (Anna) came back and put me in the bathroom. Bonnie was there; she'd been taken too. I explained what's been going on to her. _

_Anna also knew Katherine – is there anyone in this town who DIDN'T know Katherine? Anna's mother was trapped in the tomb. Stefan came and rescued us – he threw open the curtains – why didn't I think of that? _

_We went to Bonnie's grams house and tried to figure out what to do and I knew that the only thing we could do it let Damon have Katherine back. Bonnie said he doesn't deserve to get what he wants but it was our only choice and as much as I didn't want Katherine back I knew that we had to. Then Stefan said that we still had to get Damon to agree and that's where I came in. _

_I knew what I had to do. I just wasn't expecting what happened. _

"_I didn't compel you in Atlanta because we were having fun. I wanted it to be real" he didn't compel me when I took off my necklace this afternoon. He didn't compel me in Atlanta because he wanted it to be 'real' – his face when I said we had an 'understanding'. It's all so much...I need time to process. When he said he wanted it to be real, it reminded me of when Lexi said "when it's real you can't walk away" and I don't know how to define what Damon and I have, but I know that it's real. Whatever IT is. _

_Anyway we had to go to the tomb and Damon took me inside which was I was FINE with but then he just left me! Just disappeared. And there were all these vampires and it was terrifying! Anna came and grabbed me – she was going to use Jeremy's blood to bring her mother back but then she bit me and god it was so painful and I screamed. _

_But then Stefan was there and he rescued me only he couldn't come back out again, he went in not knowing if he could come back out and...Damon. I knew we couldn't leave him in there, no way. I PROMISED him and there was no way I was breaking his trust again. Especially after today. I couldn't leave him in there, I had to go back in, I had to get him out. I had to make him come out. _

_And he did. But god he looked...broken. _

_I feel so sorry for him; I can't believe she wasn't in there. I wonder where she is? I'm just glad we got Damon out in time, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forget how broken he looked. I hugged him, I hope it helped. Maybe not though; I mean I do have the same face as her – maybe I didn't help at all. I wish I could.  
Elena_


	14. A Few Good Men

**A/N: *Waves* Still with me? Here's today's chapter – hope you enjoy it. I do not own TVD – sad face. Thanks for reviews as ever and thank you to the guest who left me that lovely review - I'm super glad to be of service! On with the show. **

**A Few Good Men**

"**I focus on the pain – the only thing that's real  
Try to kill it all away – But I remember everything  
Everyone I know goes away in the end  
And you could have it all; My empire of dirt  
I will let you down; I will make you hurt"  
**

College girls. Mmm. Tasty blood. Alcohol. Go 'way Stefan, don't wanna talk.

Baby brother is worried about me. How...friendly. Me? I'm _fine. _Abso-fuckin'-lutely fine; why wouldn't I be fine? I spent 145 years obsessing over a woman, trying to _save _a woman who didn't need to be saved. A woman who _"didn't care". _Yeah. I'm fucking fine.

"_It's so liberating not having a master plan because I can do whatever the hell I want" _and what I **want **is to drink and feed and fuck until I forget. Until there is nothing left of me.

Stefan thinks I'm going to lose it – rip some hearts out, some heads off – but nope, no siree that's not my intention. I haven't killed anyone in...a long time. Don't plan to change that anytime soon. Time to find out what he wants so I can get back to my college girl party.

"_There was a woman you may have known...her name was Isobel" _– are you serious? He wants to talk about this; now?

"_You killed her" _– shocking! Actually I didn't – well – technically I did. Whatever. What's the point here again, I'm lost. He wants to know if I remember anything about her. It's 'important'.

Nuh-uh. Nothing is important. Not anymore. And I'm done; time to exploit some women in the name of grief. Buh-bye Stefan.

Isobel, I wonder where that's coming from. I can't get back in the party mood after Buzzkill Bob stopped by to name drop Isobel so I've come to the Grill. Gets me out of the house at least – the teacher's here – definitely something funny about that guy.

And now Liz needs a favour, well it's been a month for that. Allegedly I'm an 'eligible bachelor'. I don't even know if I can _say _eligible right now. Still _"a room full of women clamouring to win a date with me...sounds tasty" _women...yes. Make me forget. _Good plan Salvatore. _Favours breed favours and Liz is the sheriff so I ask her to check into the teacher for me. One last drink and I'm heading home – suppose it's best if **look **the part of 'eligible' bachelor instead of local town drunk.

Elena's here. _"Stefan?" – _"_better" – _me! "_Do you know that I am one of Mystic Falls' most eligible bachelors?" _Oh look at that, I said it! I think. Pretty sure I got that right.

"_How are you doing?" – "Never better, what can I do for ya, I'm a __barrel __of favours today" _– it's my newfound purpose – how can I help people? I suppose it's better than ripping hearts out. God I can't **do **this shirt it's...broken or something. A little help please 'Lena?

Maybe it's because I'm _'wrecked' _but there is something unbelievably sexy about Elena buttoning up my shirt. Wait, she's talking. Important Damon, focus, listen. Birth mom.

"_Who cares? She left you. She sucks"_ Enter Stefan. Impeccable timing as ever brother.

"_Where'd our girlfriend go?" _I ask Stefan when I'm downstairs ready to leave _"she's on her way to the grill" _Wow. Didn't even get a raised eyebrow out of him – sad face. Ah. Isobel again, what is with the Isobel talk today? Where's this coming from. I tell Stefan I don't know her and go to the fundraiser. Find Mrs. Mayor and try to convince her to rig the competition. Liz says the teacher checks out.

Isobel. There's the connection. She was the teacher's wife. What game is Stefan playing here?

There's a short introduction bit at the bachelor raffle so I figure I may as well torment the teacher a little bit – _"Like to travel?" _Mrs. Mayor asks me_– "Oh yeah, LA, NY, couple of years ago I was in North Caroline, near the duke campus actually"..._hook...line..."_I know your wife did...yeah...I had a drink with her once, she was a great girl. She was...delicious" _sinker.

He looks like he wants to murder me, that was **fun! **

Wow, I wasn't expecting to literally bump into Elena...has she been _crying? _What happened? Who hurt her?

"_Did you enjoy that? Rubbing it in to Alaric Saltzman?" _Wait...what?

"_Just as I was starting to think there was something redeemable about you" _She was?

"'_Lena" _Stefan – what the hell? Will someone **please **tell me what is going on here?

"_Did I forget to mention earlier when we were talking about my birth mother...?" _I see where this is going and I don't like it. I don't like it one little bit.

"_...the one that gave me up. Her name was Isobel" _Yup. Called that. Shit.

"_Go ahead. Reminisce about how you killed her" _shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck. And she's crying. And it was **me. I **hurt her. Stupid, stupid, stupid Damon. _Isobel _was her mom. How is that even...will there ever come a time when I manage to **not **monumentally screw up the_ only _good thing in my life?

I finally get home to have a drink in peace and try and sort my head out and consider how to fix another epic screw up in the life of Damon Salvatore only to find a history teacher with a death wish. I mean I know I said I wasn't planning on killing anyone else anytime soon but he is kinda asking for it. Fighting normally makes me feel better anyway.

"_Where's Isobel? What have you done to my wife?" _– Oh come _on. _You're a big boy surely you can work it out. _"I turned her" _you idiot _"she came to me all pathetic, looking for vampires". _I liked Isobel. I turned her because she was desperate. Begged me; this guy is an idiot. Why does he think he can beat me? Kill me? Even at my drunkest he wouldn't have a hope in hell.

It's a shame really. We are kindred spirits. Abandoned by the women we loved. Shame.

Stefan's back.

"_What did you do?" _Which time? Oh, the dead guy. Yeah he came after me. Self-defence, _"All I did was tell him the truth – his wife didn't want him anymore" _Isobel came to me. She's related to Elena, both related to Katherine. Can't be a coincidence.

"_You don't have to keep looking" _I leave Stefan to deal with the teacher while I consider the facts. My brother's right. I don't have to keep looking, and I don't really plan to. There's just something I'd like to know, that's all.

I was wrong this morning; I said that I wasn't going to kill anyone else anytime soon and I just killed the teacher. That one's not really on me though. But I also said that nothing is important, not anymore. I was wrong about that; Elena is important. And now she's upset and that one _is _all on me. I'm a dick.

_Dear Diary,  
I talked to Jenna about Isobel, she'd found an address for a woman named Trudi Peterson who was friends with Isobel. I wasn't planning on going...but I did. It just sort of happened. She knows about vampires, she didn't invite me in the house and she served vervain tea. She said she doesn't know who my father is but I'm not sure if I believed her. She made me leave when I confronted her about the vervain and there was a man watching me when I left. _

_I was so worried about Damon and I felt so sorry for him. Stefan said that he was 'dealing in his own way' whatever that means. Not sure I want to know to be honest. I went to the house looking for Stefan when I came back and found a rather drunk half-naked Damon instead. He said that it didn't matter who my birth mom was because she sucked for leaving me which is kinda sweet. Or at least it was. At the time. _

_Isobel was Alaric's wife – Stefan told me that Isobel was killed by a vampire. Damon. Damon killed her. Damon killed my MOTHER. Except...Isobel is alive. Sort of. Damon didn't kill her. Well he did. I mean, she's a vampire. Damon turned my mother. God it's all so complicated. _

_I was feeling sorry for him. I am so stupid! I was so angry at Damon, so hurt, let down...just...a hundred emotions all at once. And then the man was there again at the Grill. The man who had been watching me earlier; he said I have a message for you. Stop looking. She doesn't want to know you. She doesn't want to talk to you. You need to stop looking. Do you understand? He was compelled, to give me the message and then KILL himself. _

_I took his phone...I called her but she hung up the phone. _

_I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about all of this. How I'm supposed to feel about Isobel. About Damon. I've never met someone who can make me feel so many different things all at one time, I feel desperately sad for him, I want to build on what we have, but I'm angry at him, I'm hurt, I'm...conflicted and confused. Insanely confused...I think I just need to avoid him for a few days because otherwise I will probably end up doing or saying something I regret.  
Elena_

**Don't forget to review! Feed me love. Or hate. Or indifference. Whatever you like just feed me. **


	15. TGTN & Let The Right One In

**A/N: As ever I do not own the Vampire Diaries – and thank you for all the lovely reviews. Enjoy! And review!**

**There Goes The Neighbourhood & Let The Right One In**

_Summary: Elena is upset and avoiding Damon. Pearl visits Damon and informs him about the tomb vamps being free. Pearl wants Damon to stop supplying the town with vervain and act as her spy – she offers Damon information about Katherine in return. Elena and Stefan double date with Caroline and Matt. Damon gets drunk with Jenna and Kelly. Jeremy confronts Anna about being a vampire – he asks her to turn him. 2 of the tomb vamps come after the Brothers Salvatore resulting in a wicked good fight and Stefan kills Beth-Anne. "Could ya help me out a little?" _

**Let The Right One In**

"**And I am short on words  
Knowing what's occurred  
I wish that I could carry her  
But this is our Ungodly Hour"**

I'm going to have to get someone to replace the damn window the tomb vamps broke through last night. God can we not just go and kill them already? I've told Elena and Stefan what happened with Pearl.

"_I can't believe you made a deal with her"_ Oh I'm sorry Elena, did I _not _mention her **gouging **my eyes out?

"_Besides, she's gonna help me get Katherine back" _Foot. Meet Mouth. Seriously Damon, why would you say that to Elena? Idiot. She's already been avoiding me since the whole Isobel debacle.

"_Of course she is – Damon gets what he wants as usual no matter who he hurts in the process" _Is she serious right now? Could someone _please _tell me when was the last time I got something I wanted because honestly; I can't remember. But I do love it when she's feisty.

"_How long are you going to blame me for turning your birth mother into a vampire?" – "I'm not blaming you Damon, I've accepted the fact that you're a self serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities"_ ouch. Um...yeah...I might deserve that but it hurts.

Stefan asks something in what I'm assuming is an effort to diffuse the situation but actually I just need some time to process what she just said so yeah. Leaving now. Doesn't stop me from overhearing her though.

"_I'm sorry, he just makes me so cranky" _Great; even better. Can my life get **any **worse right now?

When I hear Elena leave I go down and try to clean up some more of the mess left over from last night. Yes I'm a _little _obsessive when it comes to cleanliness. Stefan's going a-hunting and wants to talk when he comes back. I'm assuming to plan our attack on the tomb-vamps. Match. Light. Fire. House. Done. Sounds like a good plan to me.

After a while he's still not come home and I'm starting to get a teensy bit worried so I call Elena who is apparently dodging my calls as well as avoiding me and being vicious. Not to worry, I happen to know where she lives. Knock Knock! Stefan's not here. Something is wrong.

"_You're not going to like what I'm thinking" _

I go to Pearl's house first; I left Elena in the car. The vamp Fredrick, from last night opens the door.

"_Where's my brother?" _Fuck. There's my brother. He doesn't look...good. "_You are dead" _Dammit! Dammit! I can't get in the bloody house.

"_You haven't been invited in" – _no shit! _"...never let this bad man in" _– okay that **could** be a problem. He keeps talking and I'm not listening and all I can see is _red _and fury and I want to **kill **and rip apart. That is my _brother _in there. Fuck.

It's raining so hard and this storm is a bitch and Elena's out of the car;

"_What happened? Where is he?" – "They have him, I can't get in" – "I can get in" – _uh, no, are you crazy? You are **not **going in there!

"_Why are they doing this? What do they want with him?" _– revenge 'Lena, they want revenge. She's getting panicky now and I'm not an expert when it comes to that so I clasp her face in my hands.

"_Elena I know. But I don't know how to get him out" _and I fucking hate it. And I'm drenched. And what the hell am I supposed to do now? And as awful as this sounds, even now, in this moment, with my _brother _being held captive and more than likely tortured; in a part of me...a very, very, **very **selfish **bad **part of me I really, **really, **want to kiss Elena right now. Yeah. I know. I'm a dick.

Fortunately Elena picks this exact moment to fill me in on the history teacher who wouldn't die and since he's our only viable option at the moment we head for the school.

"_You can't hurt me" – _ooh yeah I can.

Or. Not.

Enter Elena. _"We need your help" _she's explaining the situation and I'm staring at the rain until I hear her say _"I would go" – _but your life is valuable_– _it appears the teacher has a ring that brings him back to life. He doesn't seem to want to help so I dangle a little bait _"the woman in charge of the crowd could help you find your wife" _– lies. It's a lie. But in this particular situation I'm not above lying.

He takes the bait and says he'll help. Van Helsing has some fancy equipment – vervain darts – awesome. "_Just get me in – I'll get Stefan out" _Elena questions my methods of madness and grabs one of the darts.

"_I'm going with you" _Em, no. No. No. No. No. She **is **crazy isn't she? _"You'll get yourself killed you're not going in there" – "I'm going" – _maybe if I ignore her she'll stop talking and give up on her **insane **ideas.

Or. Not.

God, fine. _"Elena you can...drive the getaway car but you're not going in the house" – "you can't stop me" – _you wanna bet? _"It's Stefan we're talking about here – you don't understand" _um...really?

Elena he's **my **brother. I'm fairly sure I _understand_ or do you really believe I hate him that much? She doesn't, does she? Of course I don't say that.

"_I understand. He's the reason you live, his love lifts you up where you belong. I get it" _and then I'm in trouble for joking. Man I just can't get it _right _with this girl. Okay, fine I'll be serious. Maybe that will actually get through to her.

"_I can't protect you Elena. I don't know how many vampires are in there" – _I click my fingers to demonstrate – _"that's how long it takes you to get your head ripped off. I have to be able to get in and get out. I can't be distracted with your safety...or this'll end up a bloodbath that none of us walk away from. Including Stefan" _– is that serious enough for you Elena? Fuck now she looks like she's going to cry. God dammit. Make it _better _Damon. Don't make her cry on top of everything else **please. **

"_I know. I get it. I understand" _he's my brother. I understand. I rub her arm gently and have to hope it's enough because now we need to save my brother; her boyfriend.

We get to the house and I just have to hope the teacher doesn't get himself killed _before _he gets the owner outside. I hate having to rely on other people for help – makes me...itchy. Luckily he's kept himself alive and Miss Gibbons is now dead. Teacher doesn't like that too much but there's nothing I can do about it, need in the house and dead owner is the only way to accomplish that.

1 dead vamp. Wow I've missed killing. Bad people; I've missed killing bad people. Right. I make my way through the house and down to the cellar and who should I run into? Why if it isn't _Elena. _Will this girl **ever **listen to me? _"Are you insane?" _As it turns out she's actually kinda useful – doesn't mean she's not crazy – but useful yes. The ropes holding Stef up are soaked in vervain so touching those would have been...painful.

"_Elena...you shouldn't be here" –_ yeah that's what I said brother. _"She was supposed to stay in the car" – _Elena gets the ropes and I hold Stefan up and now it's time to **go. **Come on, stop trying to rescue _other _vampires and let's **go. **I task Elena with getting Stef to the car while I go slayer style on the tomb vamps.

2 dead, 3 dead, I'm attacking when the one from last night runs off and now, 4 dead. That one wasn't me – that was all the teacher.

"_I'm going after Fredrick" _I come back when I can't find Fred-Vamp and God I'm going to _kill _him when I do find him. We're leaving and – oh shit – maybe not – we're kinda surrounded. And the teacher only has one dart left. Nope. Not gonna be enough.

We're waiting inside to be ambushed by the tomb-vamps – I _think _we can make it out alive and...undead. At least I hope so. Ric asks if I lied earlier when I said Pearl could help him find his wife and I figure he deserves the truth. He didn't _have _to come back after all, and then speak of the devil. Pearl. That's probably a good thing. Maybe.

"_What did you do?" _– Me? No. Nuh-uh. Not me lady. What did **you **do?

"_You're merry little band of vampires spent the day torturing my __brother__ – __**if **__I had a good side – not a way to get on it" _and now it really is time to go. I need a drink. Or ten.

I head to the Grill for a drink and teacher slayer is here. We actually made a pretty good team but he looks at me like he hates me – no big surprise.

"_I know you hate me – guess what? Everyone hates me" _sorta used to it. _"We were bad-ass" _he punches me in the face. Happens; I probably deserved it anyway, didn't even hurt that much.

I get home and go to check on Stef, make sure he's doing okay after the day's events and I find him in his room, surrounded by empty blood bags. He's been crying and he's sitting on the floor clutching one as if his life depends on it. Which...it kinda does. Oh Stefan.

_Dear Diary,  
I'd been avoiding Damon because I still hadn't figured things out but then I had to go over to the house to talk to them about the Tomb-vampires who attacked them last night. I knew I was going to end up doing or saying something that I regretted and I did. I said he was a 'self serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities'. And god I don't even mean it and he looked so hurt and then he just walked out. I feel awful about it. _

_But he DOES make me cranky and I just...god he's done so many wrong things and I know he's changing, or trying to change but I still haven't figured out how I feel about everything, so yeah, he called me a bunch of times but I was dodging his calls and then he turned up at the house and told me that Stefan had been taken by the tomb-vamps. _

_We went to Alaric to get him to help. Damon said I couldn't go in the house, I told him that he didn't understand and then I realised that I was being really selfish. Stefan is HIS brother, of course he understands. He told me to stay in the car and I wanted to do what he said but I just couldn't. I was too worried about him and Stefan so I had to go and help and it turned out okay – well that part did anyway. _

_We rescued Stefan and I got him to the car eventually but it had been ripped apart and I was just thinking that Damon was not going to be happy about that but before I could even think properly one of the vampires tore Stefan out of the car and started attacking him. _

_I didn't know what to do and Damon wasn't there and I couldn't let Stefan die so I used my vervain dart and pulled the branch out of Stefan. I thought he was going to die, I was so scared. Stefan is not supposed to die, Damon is not supposed to die. These are the people who are not allowed to die on me. _

_All I could think was where is Damon? Why isn't he here? Is he okay? What do I do? I was bleeding so I did the only thing that seemed remotely logical. I gave Stefan my blood. He told me to run but I wouldn't. He's my boyfriend; Damon's brother – I wouldn't leave him. So I gave him my wrist and god but it hurt! Not that I expected any different really. _

_Stefan killed the vampire. Like over-killed him. And when I went to him...he...growled at me. It was rather terrifying. He was like another person and it was my fault. I made him drink my blood, even if Stefan says it's because I was saving his life I still feel terrible about it. _

_Then Jeremy called me to tell me that they found Vicki Donovan's body. Dammit Damon you were supposed to take care of her! I went to see Matt which was really difficult considering I already knew she was dead but he's my friend and I had to be there for him. _

_This day has just been deathly exhausting. I haven't even seen Damon since I got Stefan home, I hope he's okay.  
Elena _


	16. Under Control

**A/N: Aaah! I accidentally posted Miss Mystic instead of Under Control. I'm silly. Here's Under Control instead! **

**Under Control**

"**If I go crazy then will you still call me superman?"**

Stefan needs to get himself under control; his 'diet' is un-natural. I don't get it at all. It's not like he needs to **kill **to survive. That's what blood bags are for. And I tell him so – look at me, I haven't killed a human in a looong time. Okay apart from Miss Gibbons – but that was totally necessary – and Alaric – but he came back to life so that doesn't count. Whatever. So not the point.

It's completely self-serving I'm _trying _to keep a low profile, keep the town unaware of vampires which isn't the easiest task with tomb vamps running amok.

"_Yeah what are we planning on doing about that?" _Stefan asks me – _"well you're not going to be doing much of anything if you don't have your strength – there's nothing wrong with partaking in a healthy diet of human blood from a blood bag – you're not actually killing anyone" _– I know I should probably stop repeating myself but I can't help thinking that maybe one day he'll actually listen to me.

He has 'reasons' apparently – yeah well what are they? – I mean I get the whole 'you're a ripper' thing but you can drink from blood bags – not people – learn moderation and control before turning your fangs to snatch/eat/erase. He says he has it 'under control' uh, yeah looks that way. But I have a council meeting and I can't sit around all day trying to help someone who's living in denial of his very nature.

I can't tell you how much I love having infiltrated the Mystic Falls Council, it's just so...perfect. There's a new guy. John Gilbert. Elena's uncle. According to his news the tomb vamps are going a bit nuts in the local areas. Not good. Really need to deal with them. And Uncle John? Getting some..._off _radar vibes about him as well.

Oooh, Elena is calling me. That's...intriguing. She asks me to come over to her house and she sounds...concerned.

"_Oh good you're here" – _hmm it's nice to be wanted _– "You ask I come. I'm easy like that" _

We go up to her bedroom, _"Ah just like I remembered" _that probably wasn't a good thing to say since _technically _she doesn't know I've been in here before. Luckily she didn't seem to pick up on it. I pick up her teddy bear and make myself comfortable on her bed.

Hey, if she's going to invite me into her bedroom then I'm damn well going to make the most of it. I tell her about Uncle John's adventures with the Founders Council – apparently she didn't know.

"_Perfect. We'll just add it to the growing list of how everything's falling apart" _- why what else is going on? That's when I notice the broken shelf on the wall and the broken lamp.

"_What happened right there?" – "Uh, nothing" – _Uh-huh; doesn't _look _like nothing. What is she not telling me?

She's worried about Stefan, so I'm assuming the mess in the corner had something to do with him. _"He's not himself" _– well. I beg to differ. I give her the teddy bear and decide to take advantage of the opportunity to look around her room.

She keeps a journal right? Why I am even asking that. She's a Gilbert, kinda, well, technically she's a Petrova but she was brought up a Gilbert so she definitely keeps a journal. If I can find it I can see if she _really _thinks I'm a 'self serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities' yeah still stings.

"_Well maybe the problem is he's spent too long not being himself" _– nope no journal – underwear! Even better!

"_Please don't make me sorry for asking you" – "the Stefan you know is fight against his nature to an annoyingly obsessive lever, Stefan. But if you think there's not another part to this then you have not been paying attention" – "he's not you – not even close" – "well he doesn't wanna be me. That doesn't mean that deep down he's not" – _I walk over to her and stand in front of her for a minute, every time I'm within an inch of her there's so much heat there and if she thinks I can't hear how her heart speeds up when I get too close then she **definitely **hasn't been paying attention.

And it's not fear. Trust me. I love it.

Yet another Founder's Day event – are these literally never ending? It feels like there's one a week. Stefan thinks he shouldn't be here – boy's gonna lose it. _"I liked you a lot better when you hated everybody" – "Oh I still do. I just __love __that they __love __me" – _aint that the truth. Time to get a drink. Or three.

I stand in the corner and watch Elena for a few minutes and yes I know how stalker-ish that sounds but I just want to observe in peace for a minute. She looks beautiful, as usual. Stefan is dancing!

"_Have I entered an alternate universe where Stefan is fun?" _highly unlikely. Stefan wouldn't know fun if it bit him on the ass. Unfortunately it seems to be bringing Elena down but that could actually work in my favour so I'm not too concerned really.

According to Liz I have won the council over. Good to know. "_I like my life here in Mystic Falls. Starting to feel like home again" _Damn Jeremy Gilbert – asking questions about Vicki – I **really **should have taken better care of her.

Ah, Elena's here. _"Have you noticed what your brothers been up to?" – "nope been too pre-occupied with yours – he's been asking questions about Vicki Donovan's death – oh but sheriff someone buried her, who would do that? I know, I know, __**me**__!" _I offer to compel him again, all she'd need to do is get rid of the vervain but she's not too thrilled with that idea.

Still if he keeps asking questions then I might have to but Elena says she'll handle it. We'll see. I pick a red rose from the centrepiece beside me and give it to her before leaving. I'm only leaving because what I really want is to ask her to dance but since I'm fairly confident she'll just turn me down again I walk away to keep myself from opening my big mouth. No need to purposefully make a fool of myself after all.

I'm standing outside having a perfectly nice time thinking about Elena when Uncle John Gilbert comes out to bother me. Do you think Elena would hate me if I killed this guy? He seems to know a _little _too much. Mm-hmm definitely knows too much. So...I _might _have killed Uncle John Gilbert. Oops – my bad.

Wow Stefan is drunk – super drunk. I drop the bombshell on him that I just killed Uncle John Gilbert and that the council is back on pitchfork mode but he just walks away. Honestly that boy is going to _lose _it.

Oh great. Apparently killing Uncle John Gilbert didn't stick. I am getting a _teeny _bit sick of these 'come back to life rings' – I tell the teacher and he got his ring from Isobel. Who gave birth to Elena. Under the medical care of Dr. Grayson Gilbert. John's brother. Anyone else seeing a pattern here? No? Just me then.

The teacher and I have a little chat with Uncle John Gilbert. Apparently the ring Ric wears belonged to him. He threatens to expose Stef and me to the council and he said he sent Isobel to me, not Katherine, which isn't entirely surprising. What is surprising is that he knows about Katherine. What does he want? I do **not **like this guy. As evidenced by my unsuccessful attempt to kill him. God I need to go home.

Stefan's finally back.

"_We have a problem Stefan and when I say problem I mean...global crisis" _– ummm...maybe this can wait. Stefan looks...hungry. It's different this time, the need is too strong. I knew he was going to lose it.

Perfect timing little brother; as ever – I leave my glass of blood for him and wish him a good night. I guess I'll deal with all the global crisis's alone then.

_Dear Diary,  
This is the growing list of how everything is falling apart: Uncle John came back to town. My favourite person in the world – apparently his trip is 'open ended' – great!_

_Jeremy wrote a paper about vampires in Mystic Falls which is...concerning to say the least. It's not safe for him to be involved in this. I was worried he was starting to remember but Stefan said Damon took those memories for good and I spoke to Jeremy but he didn't really seem to know anything so I suppose that's good – still I'm concerned. _

_Stefan seems to be losing it – he told me he was doing good, getting better but when we were kissing something happened – one minute he was fine and then he just changed – flew backwards into the wall and he was growling and I was kind of scared and then he just disappeared. Then tonight he was really drunk – and he came by afterwards and told me that he wasn't handling it – the human blood – which I'd already worked out for myself anyway. He said that he doesn't want me to see him like this, that he doesn't want me to know this side of him exists but it does; he can't hide from me. You can't only be half a person with the one you're supposed to love. _

_Oddly enough the only one that's not causing me problems right now is Damon. I called him after what happened with Stefan earlier in the bedroom and he came right over, he mentioned something about being in my bedroom before – what was that about? He's never been in here, as far as I know. Strange but it's not really that important right now. He said that Stefan has been fighting his nature forever – and that he is more like Damon than either of us would like to admit. I guess I can see how that might be true. _

_Then tonight at the Founder's party he was really sweet, told me about Jeremy asking questions about Vicki's death and offered to compel him again – but I don't want to do that again – then he gave me a rose, I thought he might ask me to dance but I suppose it's best that he didn't – it probably wouldn't have been a good idea. _

_I kept the rose though. I put it in my underwear drawer that he was rifling through earlier – I couldn't believe it when he did that but I guess it is typical Damon. _

_So yeah – problems piling on top of problems on top of problems. Hopefully tomorrow there will be NO problems! Wishful thinking I'm sure.  
Elena_


	17. Miss Mystic Falls

**A/N: So here we have it; finally we reach Miss Mystic Falls. This chapter is specially for Candy Momo and Itwillalwaysbedamon because I know they have been waiting for this one in particular. Thank you as ever to all of my other loyal reviewers. I sincerely hope I did this one justice! Review and let me know. Let's get on with it, shall we? – Oh right. I own nothing. **

**Miss Mystic Falls**

"**If you'd call me now baby  
I'd come a running  
I'm on call to  
Be there"**

So I'm getting started right away on my 'saving global crisis's' agenda. Honestly when did I become **that **guy? I have an inkling that it may have coincided with the moment I met _Elena. _

First on the agenda: Liz tells me that the local blood banks have been 'compromised' or to translate: tomb-vamps stole blood from Mystic Falls General. Uncle John Gilbert interrupts to tell me that the vampire used 'mind-control' to cover their tracks. Yeah I got that – thanks.

"_We wouldn't have noticed if John hadn't alerted us to recent discrepancies at other blood banks in the county" – _well how very fortunate we have John.

"_Why don't Damon and I put our heads together and track down whoever's doing this?" _Oh man you've got to be kidding me! What does he w_ant? _I really just want to kill this dick.

Get home to have a nice relaxing drink before challenging whatever problem crops up next and Annabel's here. On 'behalf' of her mother, apparently she's sorry about what happened to Stef. Uh-huh I'm sure she's devastated. Well why isn't she here then?

"_She doesn't really do apologies" – _funny coincidence that because I don't really **do **forgiveness so just go away. And stop robbing the blood bank dry while you're at it. However; it wasn't her, and the tomb-vamps are gone. So who stole the blood? I have my suspicions but I don't like them – at all.

Stefan's back – time to find out if my spidey-senses are still in full working order. He's been awfully upbeat recently – less of the brooding martyr Stefan we all know and love.

"_And you think it's because I drank human blood again" – _no I don't think. I know. _"I hate to burst your bubble but I'm clean" – _Lying. He's Lying. I know my brother – have you met him? The poster child for Prozac and I know when he's lying. I'll get to the bottom of this, should have known he wouldn't just admit it to my face.

Ah-hah – he's going to the basement. Silent creeping up behind Stefan powers activate. I **knew **it. He's got a fridge full of contraband down here – _"well well – he's a liar and a thief" – _caught ya!

"_I have it under control" – _really? You've _never _had it under control brother. Hmmm. "_What's Elena thing about the new you?" – "Nothing's changed. I'm still the same person" – _Um. Are you sure? Have you looked at yourself recently? – _"Elena doesn't need to know anything yet" – _and there we have it – he hasn't told her.

That is concerning for more than one reason. Stef's been off the human stuff for years. That makes him, unstable...or more so than he already is anyway. Edgy...volatile...being around Elena as well...if her blood calls to **me **I can't imagine what it would be like for Stefan so yes...concerning.

So I offer him my help which is of course automatically turned down.

"_I know that it pains you to see this but I'm fine. So please, do me a favour and back off" _Fuck. I don't like this. Not one itty bitty bit. Should I tell Elena? Will she understand...hold that thought Uncle John Gilbert's at the door.

"_You haven't returned any of my calls" – _yeah most people would take that as a hint. Leave me alone. _"Isobel and I share a mutual interest" –_ Elena?

Or. Not.

An invention that was stolen by a vampire – the compass? No. Elena's family had that. What is it then?

"_The only thing that matters is that I want it back and you're going to help me if you want your secret safe" _– god I **hate **being told what to do and I **hate **this man. What does he expect _me _to do anyway? I don't even know what he's talking about much less who has the damn thing.

"_You were around back then...her name was Pearl" – _wait...what? No. Get out Uncle John Gilbert.

"_I'm not playing anymore" _Out _"I only entertained this...I thought you and Isobel could lead me to Katherine but see now I know you have no idea where Katherine is because if you did then you would know that Katherine and Pearl were best friends" –_ now get out of the house before I do pull some high speed vampire steal ring kill move. Asshole.

It's the Miss Mystic Falls competition and I've decided to talk to Anna about this invention thing. I don't know what it is but I do know that I don't want Uncle John Gilbert to have it. _"I could ask her but you've made it pretty clear that you don't trust us to why should I even bother" – _ugh! Why can't anything be simple – ask her because you want to stay here and that's proving...difficult with Uncle John Gilbert still alive and kicking in town.

Next on the agenda; I've also decided that I need to come clean to Elena about Stef being back on the human stuff. It's probably not the best timing in the world but I'm worried about her so I need her to know. Maybe she can encourage Stefan to go back on the bunny died. Wow. I can't believe I actually _want _him back on the bunny diet. But I definitely don't like him being around Elena **or **this town when he's not in control. Which he's not...like...ever.

I think I gave Elena a fright...oops. "_Hey – you can't be back here" – _yeah well. It's important, we need to talk.

"_Does it have to be right now?" _Yep. _"Normally I would have a completely different outlook on what I'm about to tell you but since it can really __inconvenience __me I'll...squeal" _Yeah. That's the reason.

"_Stefan's still drinking human blood" – _and shock. Yeah.

"_He has a fridge full of stolen blood bank contraband in the house" – _oh shit. She's gone all...pasty. She's not gonna pass out is she?

"_I can't believe this...it's __Stefan__ that we're talking about here" – _We've moved into the denial stage I see. I need to make this clearer because **she **is in danger. _"Stefan on human blood – he'll do anything, say anything because he's not gonna want to stop" _and now we're moving to the guilt stage.

"_This is my fault – I'm the one who fed him the blood in the first place" – _wow, so wrong. I'm about to tell her so but busted! Stefan's here. I feel a little bad but I **had** to tell her. She's not safe. O-kay – I'm just gonna...go...drink now.

I move to watch Elena being introduced, where the hell is Stefan? How could he just...abandon her? What happened?

Oh god – I'm going to have to do it. I can't _not _do it – and I'm moving. I'm doing it – wow. She looks...wow. I don't think I've ever seen someone as beautiful as she is in this moment; she looks like an angel as she descends the stairs. Good thing I know this dance.

"_What are we gonna do" _she whispers at me _"right now we just have to get through this" _in more ways than one.

Something changes the minute we raise our hands and begin the dance; I couldn't stop this if I wanted to. Her eyes are blazing into mine and they are filled with fire, for a second I'm unbearably _grateful _that Stefan abandoned her and then I lose all thoughts of my brother altogether and I'm **consumed **by Elena.

She's got this playful little smile on her face and there's electricity crackling between us and this near-touch is _agony. _I want to hold her in my arms, I **need **to hold her in my arms, and then she's there. And I'm holding her. Elena. God please, please don't let this _ever _end.

I don't know what's happening to me – I don't **understand** how I feel and not for the first time I wish that I could read her mind.

But then she gets that smile again, a little less playful this time but every bit as intense and s_urely _she must be enjoying this – okay probably not **as **much as I am – but at least a little. My entire being feels like it's on fire. It's like I'm burning but only in a good way – in the best of ways. And maybe she feels that too.

And then it's over and the spell is broken. She holds on to me for a fraction too long and then she's gone and I feel...lost. Like she took a piece of me with her; please come back. She's slightly breathless and now that I'm focusing I can hear her heart beating furiously.

Wow. That was...intense...I don't even...I need some time to process what just happened to me but apparently I'm not going to get it because my dear baby brother is out doing...something to...someone and now I need to do damage control.

Elena finds me right as I go searching for her; that Amber girl is missing and I hear her scream as we leave the house with Bonnie behind us. Elena tries to run in front of me but I get ahead of her and push her back gently. Let's **not **ruin that beautiful dress with your blood okay?

Ugh. Stefan pushes me and I go flying – I forget that he's stronger on the human stuff. Still not as strong as me though.

"_Stefan. Stop it!" _Elena cries out as Stefan comes towards me and then he's clutching his head and falling to the ground which I assume is the witches doing although I'm fine. I guess she's been practicing. Stefan's upset when Bonnie stops brain-whammying him and I try to reassure him but he just runs away. Right. Perfect.

Okay – damage control – a little compulsion and Amber is all taken care of. Liz comes and sends the girls back to the party and now I need to figure out what to do with Stefan.

I'm just arriving home to deal with my brother but Anna and Pearl are here to 'talk' well I am not in the mood. Today has been a no good very bad day; except for the dance...that was a highlight in an otherwise terrible day...but Pearl goes on about the invention – she's giving it to me, not that she knows what it is either but at least I've got it now. All the better for keeping it away from Uncle John Gilbert. She says to consider it an apology so I will.

It's Elena who comes up with the plan to lock Stefan up. Even still I'm at the bottom of the stairs and I'll be there in a second if – I hear a crash and I'm almost there but I can hear them talking so I wait. I walk up when I hear Stef fall to the ground. I don't much like this but it _is _a good plan. Clever girl. I ask her is she's sure about it – I mean we could maybe come up with something else but she's sure – such strength in this girl.

I lock Stefan in the cellar – there's a little bit of revenge in that but honestly I don't have energy to care about that right now. I don't even know if this will work. I go to leave _"you coming?" – "I'm gonna stay here" – _well okay then.

I sink down the dirty ground on the opposite side of her and we sit in silence, finally giving me the time to think about what the hell actually happened today.

_Dear Diary  
Today has just been...wow. But first – Damon came and told me that Stefan is still drinking human blood – he said he was going to tell me and that the blood doesn't change anything – but it changed him. Apparently we've gone 2 steps back in our relationship – we're back to the lying phase. _

"_So you and Damon have everything figured out then?" – Why does he always try and make it about Damon? It's not about Damon...well maybe it's a little about Damon – he always tells me the truth. Stefan attacked Amber Bradley – she's okay but I knew that we had to do something, we can't just let him go around attacking people – so I came up with the plan to lock him up in the cellar until the human blood is out of his system and he gets back to normal. I hate having to do it but we have to help him. _

_Today was the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, Stefan was supposed to be my escort but when I walked down he was nowhere to be found. God I was so humiliated and then...Damon was there. He took Stefan's place. Thank god – I'd have never lived it down if I'd been abandoned at Miss Mystic. You know I always wondered if Damon just sees Katherine when he looks at me – but today – no – always I think – he sees me. I don't think he's ever seen Katherine. He looked at me like I was angel. _

_When Damon took my hand – god it was like I was on fire. And then when we danced, it was so different from how it is dancing with Stefan – I felt like everywhere he touched me I was burning – there was all this...electricity...it took my breath away and to be honest when it ended I just wanted to do it all over again. I wanted it to go on forever...for a minute. _

_But then I remembered who I am and where I was and who I'm WITH and all thoughts of Damon flew out of my head. I think it's just that I was...caught up in the moment, in the dance, in Damon's eyes – honestly I feel like they're compelling me even though he's not, and in my anger at Stefan for lying and deserting me. I'm grateful to Damon and it just made me...more...susceptible to things I'm not ready to feel I guess.  
Elena_


	18. Blood Brothers

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for the reviews to Miss Mystic! So glad you all seemed to love it. Here be Blood Brothers, I LOVED writing this episode so hope you enjoy it too. Don't forget to feed me in the form of reviews. Or Damon Salvatore's if ya got any of those!  
I own nothing. So sad. **

**Blood Brothers**

"**No-one knows what it's like to feel these feelings like I do  
And I blame you  
No-one knows what it's like to be the bad man  
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes"**

So...in the hours that were spent, mostly in silence, outside my brother's new cage I have worked out that I _may _have some _feelings _for Elena. I think it was fairly obvious after **that **dance but the rest of that day was a mess so...uh-huh.

How did I get to this place? I've been here before...I know the way this goes. Brother's girl and all. Still I'm not going to _do _anything about it – it's not a big deal and it's not like I wear my emotions on my sleeve so I'm pretty sure I can get away with no-one finding out about this.

He's been locked in there for three days and I think he's having very vivid dreams – he keeps mumbling my name...and Katherine's which is...intriguing. Probably for the best that Elena can't hear that part.

"_I love you Stefan" _O-kay. That's enough of that – time to go. Let's leave Stefan to his dreams.

Elena says it's hard to see him locked up but hey – she's the one who did it. 'Kay I may have helped. A little. _"I couldn't have him running around chewing on people while the town was looking for vampires now could I?" – "it had nothing to do with you actually caring about him?" – _yes...no – _"Your thing. Not mine" _- look I've only **just **accepted caring about _Elena _- let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

I've hated my brother for...as long as I can remember. Do I want him to die? No. Am I still working on my 'eternity of misery' threat? Not...actively. Anything more than that – well I'm not quite there yet.

Elena asks me if I know what the invention is yet but nope, still haven't figured that out. Oh did I forget to mention she's been staying here the last few nights? _"So you'll be here again tonight?" _more than likely, I don't even know why I'm asking to be honest – _"is that a problem?" _– Nope, no problems over here, I'm not trying to hide my growing feelings for you in **any **way – "_yes, you are a complete nuisance" _– seriously, how did this happen? Again?

I had to go and catch a damn rabbit, 3 of them actually. Should have just gone for a deer; woulda been quicker but regardless Stefan needs to eat. He tells me he's not hungry – lies – we are _always _hungry. Why is he still sitting in there anyway? It's been days, the human stuffs out of his system now and he should be over it.

I tell him to drink but he just sits there in silence and there are only so many hours in my day and I don't much relish the thought of spending them watching Stefan brood – we get enough of that as it is. Let Elena deal with him, I'm sure she'll have better luck than me anyway.

Ooh phones ringing – Alaric. How'd he get my number? Digging on Uncle John Gilbert you say? Intriguing. Teacher's found an address which _could _lead us to Isobel; the place is in Grove hill; not too far from here. I tell him to give me the address but apparently he wants to go together.

"_I'm not going with you – you tried to kill me" – "yeah well you __**did **__kill me" – _oh yeah – I guess that's fair.

Wow I am popular today – Elena's calling me as well. I love modern day technology the teacher goes on hold so I can talk to her. _"What?" _– Something about clothes...Stefan of course and she can go back on hold.

"_You drive. Pick me up in an hour" _– As I said, Elena can deal with broody-pants in the basement and I'd rather spend time with the teacher than have to sit with Elena worrying about her boyfriend all night.

And we're back to Elena "_he won't eat anything" _I tell her as I take a seat.

"_What's his favourite...type of animal blood...that he prefers?" – "Ew. Gross" – _I don't know when we got to this place in our 'relationship' where we can tease each other and be...I don't know, I don't know what we are but I like it. It's...nice...different.

I tell her to hurry up and then say that Stefan likes puppy blood _"little golden retrievers, cute floppy ears, that's his favourite" – _I'd love to see her face right about now – instead she hangs up on me. It was kinda funny though.

God brother, ever the dramatic; what would possess him to tell Elena that he doesn't want to live? She asks me that very same question and I say the only thing that makes any sense to me _"'cause he feels bad about hurting that girl, it's very typical Stefan martyr stuff" _well that's the truth. But seriously, who in their right mind would rather die than be with this girl? Oh wait – I forget, Stefan's not in his right mind. Idiot.

She says that he seems to be in a lot of pain and I know she means emotionally but that's not really my scene so I just ask her if she's going to be all right if I go out – _"I have to go do an errand with a teacher" – "A teacher? Alaric? Are you two friends now?" – "I don't have any friends Elena" – "right" – _except, you. Maybe. Is that what we are? Friends? That word sounds...wrong, in my mind but I suppose it will do.

I advise her to stay out of the cellar while I'm gone it's probably not the best idea to be down there by herself, but of course ever the brave girl she just says she'll be fine.

"_You know, you're very trusting of him given the circumstances" – _but hey, it's her neck – _"So are you" _she speaks up as I'm leaving – _"otherwise you wouldn't be leaving" - _right, god this girl. "_I won't be long" _I tell her how, I need to get out now, away from this girl that just...sees right through me apparently. I know I've said that I'd love to be able to read her mind but **seriously **can she read _mine?_

So we get to the apartment – there was a tomb vamp there – Henry. I knew him back in the day. Apparently Uncle John Gilbert's been helping him 'adjust' to life not that that matters he's kinda dead now. Didn't know too much, didn't know Isobel. Did know that the tomb vamps are out for revenge but we knew that too. Ric killed him that guys kinda handy to have around to be honest.

We had a conversation about Isobel and Katherine "_I can't keep searching for her" _he said – _"really? After only 2 years? That's actually...moderately healthy" – "Yeah what are you going on 146?" – "I figured the 200 marks probably a good stopping point" – _I'm joking – I am done looking for Katherine.

"_I don't want to waste any more of my life searching for answers that I really don't want" – _yeah I know that feeling...still there's just one. Just one question but it doesn't matter. Time to go home; see if Elena has made any progress with my idiotic baby brother.

She's writing in front of the fireplace when I get home and god if it doesn't just look like she was born to be there. "_Were you expecting anything else?" _she asks when I mock-complain that she's still here. Nope. I sit down and put her feet up on my lap because dammit it's been a shit night and I need some...thing – company, I guess. I tell her a little about my field trip with the teacher and she takes her legs away, shame.

"_Stefan eaten yet?" – "I thought you didn't care" – "Chalk it up to morbid curiosity" – _and a desire to converse with you even if it is about my brother.

"_He's got a lot of guilt that he has to deal with – it doesn't help that you've spent the last hundred and forty-five years punishing him for Katherine getting caught" – _I'm sorry – come again? How did _this _become **my **fault? Why do I always get the blame? She thinks I hate him for _that? _

"_You're not exactly innocent...you've made it your life's mission to make him miserable" _Wow. I. **Cannot. Believe. This. **

"_Let me ask you a question – in all this important soul searching and cleansing the demons of Stefan's past did you ever manage to get the rest of the story?" _No. Of course you didn't because it's just so much _easier _to blame me; the big bad brother. Forever up to no good. Well screw this and screw her too.

"_Damon. Damon" – _she runs after me and grabs my arm – _"Tell me" – _and I do. Because God help me even when I'm pissed off at her apparently I still can't deny her anything, and truthfully, what happened just now hurt me so she should know, and I can't lie to Elena.

I was ready to die, I wanted to die. Stefan killed our father – not that I care about that but he fed and then he brought me a 'gift' – we were supposed to die.

He brought me a girl – bit her neck – she was bleeding – I didn't want to but – he was too strong and the cravings were too strong – I fed – vampire I became.

That's when I promised him the 'eternity of misery' which I'm reconsidering actively working on again right this minute.

"_From the moment Stefan had his first taste of human blood he was a different person – suppose I should thank him. It's been a hell of a ride" _oh **now **she understands why he wants to die – _"It's his choice. If he's stupid enough to make it so be it" – "Don't do that. Don't pretend like you don't care" _she says as she walks away. Where's she going? And what is with her incessant need to make me admit that I _care? _Difference is it going to make?

Ah my brother's gone running off somewhere and Elena's gone running off to find him and I'm...drowning my sorrows I guess.

That's not even the real reason I hate my brother, I mean it's a big one...but it's not the main one. Not the _real _one. It was only meant to be me, never Stefan. Not Stefan. Just me and Katherine; together for eternity, the two of us. Not Stefan.

And that's my question if I _ever _see Katherine again then that's what I need to know. Why? Why him as well? Why was I not enough, why was my love not enough? Why Stefan? I doubt I'll ever get an answer to my question – if Katherine doesn't want to be found then she won't be, simple as that.

Oh goody they're back. Clearly Elena's managed to change his mind, stupid bastard for wanting to leave her in the first place but whatever.

"_Goodnight, Damon" – _yeah bye-bye Elena. Been nice having you to myself for a few days so thanks for that – just another taste of something I can never have.

I cannot be bothered dealing with Stefan tonight I'm in **no **mood to pussy-foot around him.

"_Thank you" – _for what? I didn't do anything – it was all Elena. Never mind.

"_No Stefan __thank you – __you're back on Bambi blood and I'm the big bad ass brother again – all is right in the world" – _now it's my turn to tell him **my **truth – _"You brood too much. Everything on the planet is not your fault. __My __actions, what I do – that's not your fault. __**I **__own them, they belong to me. You are not allowed to feel my guilt" – "you feel guilt?" – _If I wanted to...yeah...it's there. Buried fucking deep but it is there. And sometimes even when I don't want to feel it like when Lexi turned up.

As he's leaving I tell him that Emily waited until **after **I'd turned to tell me about Katherine and the tomb. She thought it would 'impact' my decision – no! Never! – "_She said it was a curse" – _Stefan tells me. God. Witches, so...judgy.

He asks me why I didn't tell him – well I thought that was obvious. I didn't want him to know _"Because I hated you and I still do" – _and it's been a night for honesty so I decide he may as well know the truth as well – _"but not because you forced me to turn...because she turned you" – _and now we all know the truth.

Isn't the truth supposed to set you free? Because I don't feel much different.

_Dear Diary,  
I've been avoiding Uncle John – I really can't stand him. Today he asked me what I thought my "mother would say if she knew you were dating a vampire" – yeah...which mother Uncle John. He's an idiot. _

_I called Damon to let him know I was grabbing some clothes before going back over to the house. I've been staying there for the last few days. It's funny how it feels like...home, in a way. It was actually kinda nice having some time just Damon and me, he cooked for me and we talked and it's just...I feel more like...myself with Damon. It's nice. Anyway he told me that Stefan was refusing to eat so I went to see him and he said that he didn't want to survive, he wanted to die. _

_I guess...that was kind of hard to hear. He would rather die than be with me but then he explained what happened when he turned, he killed his father! And then Damon told me about Stefan forcing him to turn so I understood why Stefan wanted to die and I went to find him out by the Quarry and convinced him not to give in. _

_Tonight Damon said that he 'doesn't have any friends' but what about me? I thought that's what we were...I mean...I don't know exactly what we are and friends just doesn't seem...to explain what we are but it's the best word I've got. I felt kind of hurt actually but I think it's just Damon's defence mechanisms. _

_He refuses to admit he cares but I know he does. I can see it in his eyes, in his actions, he just doesn't want to admit it for some reason and I think it's because he's just terrified of being hurt. I heard what he said to Stefan tonight about being the 'big bad ass brother again' but I don't think of him like that. It's just easier for him to believe that. It makes his life easier – having this 'devil may care' attitude – not having to open up, not admitting he cares. But I know he does. I see it and I'm not going to give up on him.  
Elena_


	19. Isobel

**A/N: *Waves* Unfortunately this will be the last update for around a week because I'm going away on a little trip – very sad I know, I'm sure you'll all miss me terribly. On the plus side a little suspense never hurt, right? I sincerely hope you all enjoy Damon's interpretation of Isobel. This one was fun! Do let me know what you think by reviewing as ever! And I shall hope to see you all next week. As always, I do not own the Vampire Diaries. Sucks. **

**Isobel**

"**But falling over you is the news of the day  
All the stars come down in you and  
Love will not fade and  
Love, love, love, will not fade away"**

Well this is a nice way to start the morning, a phone call with Elena; she was calling for Stefan but that's beside the point.

I tease her about Stefan _"He's just back to boring, straight laced, off-the-junk; you've successfully cured him of anything that was interesting about his personality" – "don't forget who helped me"- "I hate myself" – _god she makes me...happy. So weird.

"_Have fun with the Mystic Queen, I know I did" – _she hangs up on me. Too soon? Ah here's Stefan – _"'Lena called." _

Another phone call and I'm wanted at the school apparently. I walk into the classroom – _"Sorry I'm late dog ate my..." _

Or. Not.

Lots of brooding faces in this room, what's going on here?

Isobel. Seriously will the things I do in the past **never **stop coming back to bite me in the ass? She's here in town. I look to Elena to see how she's handling this bombshell; not well by the looks of things. Would she be mad if I just killed Isobel – for real this time? Probably, it's bad enough that I turned her birth mother.

What does she want? Ric apparently lost the power of speech when he saw her because he is beyond useless so again I ask _"What does she want?" – "She wants to see me, Damon" – _Elena. She speaks. But I'm sorry what now? Isobel wants to see her? No. That's most likely...**not **a good idea.

"_You don't have to see her if you don't want to" – "I don't really have a choice" – "She's threatening to go on a killing spree" – _Oh. I suppose that changes things, that's probably not okay with them. Maybe I should revisit my thoughts to kill her.

"_I wanna do it. I wanna meet her" – _Okay okay no killing jees. I still don't think it's a good idea but I understand why Elena would want to meet her so Ric arranges a meeting for them at the Grill.

I hate being outside. I should be _in_ there. I mean, it helps that I can hear everything but still I feel useless out here.

Ric says I'm not to kill her but I already got that memo. _"I looked for the woman I married but she wasn't there" – _yeah that's the switch for you. She flipped the switch, no humanity.

"_Stefan has his humanity, he's a good guy. Hell you're a dick and you kill people but I still see something human in you" _Really? Interesting.

Time for Ric to get some Vampire101 as I fill him in on the switch – "_the problem is your instinct as a vampire is not to __feel"_no guilt, no shame, no regret.

"_I mean come on, if you could turn it off wouldn't you?" – "You haven't" – "Sure I have Ric, it's why I'm so __fun __to be around" – _yeah, you keep telling yourself that Damon, it won't make it true.

After the epic failure of a meeting at the Grill I decide to pay Isobel a little visit. Nicest foreclosure in town, I taught her that. I c_an _be a good teacher, when I want to be. I'm playing strip poker with her sexy little minion when she arrives. _"What are you really doing here?" _she asks, oh we'll get to that don't you worry Isobel.

"_Well you blew into town, saw everyone except for the man who made you; I'm a little hurt" _and ouch! Bitch grabs me by the hair and pulls my head back. "_Did you bring the device?" _I'm a **lot **older and a lot stronger than her but I let her think she's controlling things for the moment. What is it with girls and pulling hair? Hurts.

So Isobel dated Uncle John Gilbert when she was younger, the pieces are beginning to fit together in my mind – poor Elena. But let's deal with that later, what does she want with the invention?

"_Me personally? I don't want anything with it" _Katherine. **She **wants the device? Why? And please god, stop. Touching. Me.

"_...can't control Katherine. She does what she wants" _Yeah well so do I, Isobel comes at me again but again, older and stronger so I'm ready and it's my turn to be in control of this little game.

"_What should we do now?" _oh yuk...I have to kiss her, well I probably don't **have **to but it's the easiest way to get what I want and all I can think is '_this is Elena's __**mother**__' _**yuk. **O-Kay that's enough of that, I throw her to the floor and wrap my hand around her throat; she won't be able to get up now.

"_Now that I have your attention, listen up. You do not come into my town; threaten the people I care about. Going after Elena? Bad move. You leave her alone or I __will __rip you to bits because I do believe in killing the messenger. You know why? Because it sends __a message__" _I smack her head off the floor, hey I said I wouldn't **kill **her I never mentioned anything about not hurting her. _"Katherine wants something from me? You tell that little __**bitch **__to come get it herself." _

And I'm done. Message delivered. Message received. Time to go home.

Elena and company are at the house when I get there. Really? She just wants me to hand the device over to Isobel? I'll get Jeremy back myself. Wish my message to Isobel would have been a little more effective. I'm not handing the thing over – _"I like being a living – dead person" – "but it'll be useless – Bonnie can take its power away" – _yes Elena you said that already, twice, in fact.

I don't trust little witch, I tried to kill her and she's like a baby witch.

"_I've been practicing" – _great – _"It's not piano lessons honey" – _my favourite book? Really...what's that got to do with anything? Right...right a book, god people are so demanding. "_Call Of The Wild – Jack London" _man I love that book. Okay great so she's got a party piece, flying books, I still don't trust her.

"_We're doing this Damon. And we're doing it my way. Now give me the device" _see – demanding little thing. I don't like this, not one little itty bit. _"I don't trust you" _I say pointing at judgy. _"But you can trust me" _Elena. Yes that's true. I **can **trust her, I **do **trust her. I know Stefan's looking at me all judgy like as well now but I give in. I trust Elena; only Elena and she says it's okay.

I put the device in her hand and close her fingers around it; holding on and relishing in that burning for just a minute. I see Stef's eyes flash to our hands and Elena says _"thank you" _and now I need to leave and have a drink before I do anything **else **that shows the world I've fallen for my brother's girl. _Again_.

Witchy is doing the spell which is kinda creepy if you ask me, what with the flames rising and the flickering lights and now we have to go give it to Isobel.

God, Elena is perfect – how did she get to be **so **strong? Stefan and I show up and Elena calls her house where her brother has been safely deposited by the sounds of things.

And then Elena has to go and ask Isobel why she knew I would give her the device. Don't say it Isobel. Don't say it. Fuck she said it.

"_Because he's in love with you"_

Noooo. It's not even true...is it? Am I? Fuck. I spare a glance at Stefan but he's studying something _highly _interesting on the ground.

"_As long as you have a Salvatore on each arm – you're doomed. Katherine was smart, she got out. But we all know you're not Katherine" _God dammit Isobel, can't she just shut her mouth, like, ever? She was right about at least one thing though – 'Lena's not Katherine.

I don't think I've ever seen Katherine, all I see is Elena. She's the opposite of everything Katherine is, it's like fire and ice, light and dark, good and bad. Elena is the epitome of purity and goodness, Katherine is...well, let's just say Katherine's a bitch and leave it at that shall we?

When Isobel leaves Elena is upset and all I can do is stand idly by and watch as Stefan her _boyfriend _goes to her and comforts her. Wicked thoughts invade my mind. If I hadn't compelled her, that first night...could that be me? Would things have been different? Am I...in love with her?

She looks up at me but then hides herself away which is just...great. She can't even bear to look at me. Fan-fuckin'-tastic. Damn Isobel. Stefan looks over at me and there is **no **need for me to be here. I'm not wanted, my purpose has been served.

So I turn and walk away into the darkness that no longer feels like such a friend to consider if I'm in love with another woman who not only loves my brother but will never love me in return. What the fuck is wrong with me?

When Stefan gets home I offer him a drink and an opportunity to unleash whatever it is he's brooding over. _"It's about what Isobel said."_ Of course it is. And here comes the little 'jealous boyfriend' speech about how 'history will not be repeating itself' with Elena.

"_I know that you and Elena have bonded and I know that she cares about you" _she does? Well that's good to know – never really been altogether clear on that before. _"She considers you a friend" – "Same here. Elena's a very good friend. Actually she might qualify as my only...friend" _hmmm..._"I mean honestly. We're just friends." _Yeah. Sucks to be me. I fill him on my theory about Uncle John Gilbert actually being Papa John Gilbert. Uh-huh let him deal with that bombshell.

"_Oh and when you do tell Elena and she needs a friend to talk to about __anything __– I'm here for her" _Goodnight brother, chew on that. While I chew on the fact that now everyone knows about my 'feelings' for Elena. Hiding those didn't last very long. Should have known better than to try I guess.

_Dear Diary,  
I met Isobel today – I was very nervous – she said I look just like her (Katherine) so there's yet another person in my life who knows Katherine. "She would be fascinated by you" she said, well let's hope she doesn't come to find me – really don't want to meet this girl. And I'm worried about what would happen with Damon/to Damon if she turned up again. But I doubt she will so hopefully I won't have to worry about that. _

_Isobel asked me why I chose Stefan, "Why didn't you go for Damon?" not that she really expected an answer but it did make me...question it anyway. I don't really have an answer for it though. I mean, I'm with Stefan so it's not really an easy thing to question. And when Damon came to town he was very...different from how he is now._

_I think...a lot of Damon's changing has been because of me...does that sound really stuck up? And I wonder...if I had met him first would he have been different from the start? Maybe if I had met him first...but I didn't...so there's no point in really questioning it. _

_Bonnie helped us figure out what the invention was – apparently Jonathon Gilbert didn't actually invent anything – Emily Bennett spelled everything with magic. Isobel kidnapped Jeremy so we would give her the invention and when she came to the school she said "I think you underestimate how much Damon cares about you" – I guess that should have been my first clue. I convinced Bonnie to un-spell the device and Damon gave it to me. _

_I don't know why I did it – I knew I shouldn't have asked her but once I started I couldn't stop the words from coming out. "But you took a risk with Damon. How did you know that he was going to give it to me?" I asked her. "Because he's in love with you" well I guess that was my second clue. _

_But I mean...that's ridiculous right? Isobel doesn't know what she's talking about, Damon is not...capable of being in love with...Damon loves Katherine, not me...doesn't he? I mean I know that Damon c__ares __about me, sometimes he's vulnerable and unguarded around me and I get through to him. I SEE him. And he saved me, carried me from the car when I crashed it...and that dance..._

_But when Stefan came and hugged me, I looked at Damon and I saw...something...in his eyes...and then I had to look away because I'm afraid of what he might have seen in mine if I'd kept looking at him. _

_Isobel said that we all know I'm not Katherine. And she's right. I am NOT Katherine. I will NEVER be Katherine. Damon is my FRIEND. I care about him...he cares about me. He is NOT in love with me. And I am not in love with him. I am not Katherine. I am Elena.  
Elena_


	20. Founders Day

**A/N: I'm baaack! Still with me? I hope so. Okay I'm not going to talk too much up here but as an aside for this episode: we're going to pretend like Elena wrote her diary entry at the Grill after saving Damon and before returning home to the carnage awaiting her 'kay? Good. That being said I give you the Season 1 Finale: Founders Day. Enjoy. And Review. Please. I own nothing. **

**Founders Day **

"**I'm not a perfect person; there's many things I wish I didn't do  
But I continue learning – that's why I need you to hear  
I've found a reason for me – to change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
And the reason is you"  
**

It's Founders Day and I make my way to the town square to find Stefan looking very...1864. He wants to know why I'm here... well where else would I be?

"_I'm here to eat cotton candy and steal your girl" – "Don't start with me Damon" – _but it's fun! And you know maybe if you'd left your little 'jealous boyfriend' act at the door last night. Seriously my brother has no sense of humour at all.

"_Actually I just have no sense of Damon humour" – _Damon humour? There's a brand of humour named after me now? Sweet! No I get it – _"I'm the better, hotter, superior choice and you're scared now that Katherine's out of the picture that I'm gonna turn all my attention to Elena" _– which effectively, is the truth. Only my attention was all on Elena when Katherine was still technically **in **the picture. _"But don't worry – Elena is __not __Katherine." _

Famous last words Damon – sometimes I think I should just never speak again.

Elena. Here.

Looking even more...Katherine like than usual.

It **is **Elena...right? Wait – vervain necklace? Check. Human heartbeat? Check. Thank fuck it's Elena. But god she looks right at me and drops into a little curtsy and I think this is the first time I've e_ver _seen Katherine and not Elena and I fucking hate it, not a good look for her.

I decide to watch the parade and run into Bonnie so I thought I'd make nice with her after she de-activated the invention. She still doesn't like me very much but at least I tried. It is absurdly weird watching Elena and Stefan on the float – looking like that – weird.

Thankfully the next time I run into Elena in the Grill she's back to her normal everyday clothes which is so much better, I can't even begin to tell you how much I **don't** want to see Katherine when I look at Elena. Makes me feel all...wrong inside.

"_I like you better like this; period look – it didn't suit you" – "is that an insult" – "actually Elena, it is a compliment of the highest order" – _trust me.

"_Look I know Stefan is worried about our...friendship" _– he said something to her too? And what's with the stumble over her words? Does she not know how to define what we have either? We've gone from an 'understanding' to..._"friendship"_...and still neither of those words seem to be..._enough. _

"_Did he mention something to you too?" – "No did he mention something to you?" – _Oops. Me and my big mouth, nothing worth repeating anyway.

"_So I think you should stop with the flirty little comments and that...eye-thing that you do" _Really? Are ya' sure Elena because you know I can hear your heartbeat right? I do the 'eye-thing' to make my point, really does she not know me at all? I might like her, care about her, have..._feelings _for her but I'm not going to change who I am. I've already changed enough since I met her.

"_Don't make me regret being your friend" _No – God no I won't do that. I need this girl in my life too much in **any **way to make her regret that but I can't find the words I need to tell her that so I just nod and watch her walk to her brother.

I don't like the way he's talking to her, she doesn't deserve that. So I decide to try and help out a little.

"_Cut her some slack" – "she erased my memories" – "No __**I **__did – she was __protecting __you" – _oh great here's Saint Stefan coming to the rescue as always – is he **ever **not around? _"Don't blame Elena for this. Damon turned Vicki – I killed her" _Yeah, probably shouldn't have done that. I feel a bit...bad about it now. That's...unusual.

"_Elena's relationship with her brother is none of your business so stay out of it" _Pardon? Things that hurt Elena are my business I'm her _friend _remember? Also, she's always getting involved in **our **brotherly relationship; I'm merely returning the favour. And I was _trying _to help in my own special way.

"_We both know that you're not doing this for the right reasons" _– really...what are the **right **reasons Stefan? Enlighten me please I'd looove to hear this.

"_See Damon it's only __real __when it comes from your desire to do the right thing for nothing in return. And I know that that is an entirely foreign concept to you; I completely understand that." _Wow. Blow my mind. My brother does **not **know me _at all. _He truly has no idea who I am and that is slightly...disturbing.

I'm in the square looking for Elena or Stefan when I run into Anna. She's still in town? Why? Thought she'd be long gone.

"_There's something you need to know – the vampires from the tomb are planning an attack tonight...I went to them, they think I'm with them but I'm not. They want the founding families dead" _Ah – information overload. When?

"_When the fireworks start" _well that explains the invention then, there's one little mystery all cleared up. Unfortunately said device no longer works – _"They're already here Damon" _Fabulous. This town really **is **cursed. Damon to the rescue as usual, oddly enough this time I actually _want _to save people. Protect people.

How'd that happen? Oh I'll tell you - let me, let me. _Elena. _God what has that girl **done **to me?

Ric – I find Ric and he has weapons in the car – that's the first piece of good news I've heard all night. Ah there's Elena and Stefan – also good. I grab her hand and she asks what I'm doing.

"_Saving your life. 15 words or less: tomb-vamps are here, founding families are the target. Get her out of here. __Now.__" _I direct Stefan and let go of Elena's hand. That part was un-necessary but there's a high chance I could die tonight and if I do I wanted to hold her hand, to touch her and feel that fire one last time. Okay there's not a high chance, there's no chance really but...whatever.

Stefan asks me something but it's more than 15 words and I need to **go** like...now.

I need to find Papa John Gilbert that idiot doesn't have a clue what sort of hell he's unleashed and he can damn well help with the cleanup. Stupid vengeful vampires are a nuisance!

Oh dear God. Make it stop. Please. God make it stop. Please. Please. It hurts. Please. Make it stop. Darkness.

Oh my head is all...foggy. Damned vervain. We're in a basement. _"Anna"_ - Papa John Gilbert. Oh my god. He's got a stake. No don't kill her. Fuck I can't _move. _Fucking vervain. Dead. He killed her. No. Should have taken him out when I had the chance. And now I'm gonna die. Kinda glad I had the sense to take Elena's hand now.

_Elena. _

Stefan.

He's not here. Thank god. He must have gotten her home. She'll be okay – Stefan will protect her.

Wow I can't believe I'm actually going to die-die but there's fire blocking the stairs and I can barely move and as Bonnie...damn her...so wisely pointed out once upon a time _"fire kills vampires". _So not how I wanted to go.

Wait – is that Mayor Lockwood? What's he doing here?

"_What are you doing here?" – "I'm a vampire, what's your excuse?" _– Well I'm dying, may as well be honest. But seriously why is he in here? What _is _he? Dead is what he is now. Dammit now I'll never know. Still I never liked that guy so I'm not exactly devastated that he's dead.

Stefan – Stefan is here – speed – saved. Stefan saved me. My brother saved me.

Elena. Elena's here. Elena saved me. Again. I really need to get started on keeping that score-sheet. Her hands are on me and all over me and she's touching me and Stef's holding me up and _dammit _if the vervain would just wear off – I have to fix this.

I had to fix it so I left Elena at the grill and I went to see Jeremy. I told him Anna was dead and I offered to take his pain away but he didn't want that. _"I still feel empty. Alone" _I feel...sorry for him really. I apologised for what I did to Vicki – I was wrong, what I did was wrong. He asked me if life was easier when you're switched off.

"_Life sucks either way Jeremy but at least if you're a vampire you don't have to feel bad about it if you don't want to" – "Is that what you did?" – "I did it for...I did it for a very long time and life was a lot easier"_ But not **better. **

This. This is better. Feeling what I...feel...for Elena, for my brother, for this town and the people in it, for...life. It's better.

Elena. Well it is her house – I just, wasn't expecting her so soon. She asks me what I'm doing here and it's been a night for truth. Actually I think it's been a _month _for truth so I might as well we honest with her as well. I always am.

"_Failed and feeble attempt at doing the right thing"_ I tell her as I take her bags from her. She seems a little..._off_ considering she just tried to run into a burning building to save my life but then she's probably worried about what I'm doing at her house.

"_You know, I came to this town wanting to destroy it. Tonight, I found myself wanting to protect it. How does that happen?" – _You. You made that happen.

"_I'm not a hero, Elena. I don't do good. It's not in me...reserved for my brother, and you...and Bonnie...still helped Stefan save me...because she did it for you" _

You decided I was worth saving...and I think you might be the only person in my very long existence who has ever believed that; believed in me. I walk over to her as I'm speaking.

She says _"You're welcome" _and I lean in and kiss her on the cheek. But when I move back she's staring at me like she's never looked at me before and her eyes flicker to my lips, and then again and I am in no way capable of stopping myself from doing this because I just want her. So. Damn. Much.

And then I'm kissing her. And she's kissing me back. My hands are in her hair and god it's...the door. It's the door. Fuckery. Jenna. I try and hide myself behind Elena although I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve here.

Reluctantly I drop my hand from her side but I'm still not turning around until Jenna says _"it's late. You should probably come inside" _she walks away and goes inside and I avoid looking at Jenna. Now that it's over I am...baffled.

Did that just? Did that happen? I move my fingers to my lips where I can still taste her and there is something so...familiar about it. It's like I've kissed her before although I never have. So familiar, so strange.

It's not really...what I expected. Not that it was **bad. **Not at all – just...not what I expected. For someone who sets my entire body on fire every time I _touch_ her that kiss...did not do that.

_Dear Diary,  
Today was Founders Day and I had to wear this awful dress and I could hardly breathe. Uncle John is actually Father John, he's my biological dad. So messed up! _

_Bonnie didn't deactivate the device and I was so angry – I still am...but she helped save him so I'm not AS angry. _

_Damon. The device went off and Stefan was in agony and Damon...just need to find Damon. We didn't know where he was. I just knew that I had to save Damon. Again. This is becoming a somewhat regular occurrence! Stefan could hear them he said the building was on fire and I was so scared, all I could think was please don't be too late. _

_John was standing guard and he said "It's over for Damon" and just NO! "This is the right thing Elena" he said – how could it possibly be the right thing? DAMON was in there. John said that Stefan could go ahead and try to save Damon but he wouldn't make it but when Stefan asked if there was another entrance I didn't hesitate to tell him. _

_I could have lost BOTH of them but I can't bear the thought of Damon dying so I had to try. I raced after Stefan – I had to go in there – had to get to Damon – but Bonnie was there and she grabbed my wrist and started chanting – and then it was okay. _

_Damon. Stefan. Damon. Alive. He's okay. _

_Stefan said "I try so hard to hate him – I guess it's just pointless". Damon is exceptionally hard to hate – trust me I've tried. All that happened was I ended up caring about him. Probably more than I should. _

_I don't know what's going on with me and Damon and I'm nowhere __near __ready to look at it too closely._

_I love Stefan. Damon and I are f__riends. __Whatever else is there...will just have to...wait or something. And I told Stefan that he has nothing to worry about because I know he suspects that I have feelings for Damon. But it's true he has nothing to worry about, if nothing else I would never allow anything to happen with Damon when I was with Stefan. And I am. With Stefan. Not Damon. _

_And I love Stefan. _

_I...don't know what I feel for Damon. _

_I know that if he's in danger then I have to save him it's not a choice. It's a necessity. I know that there's this...fire between us. It's like I'm burning when he touches me. I know that when he gets too close my heart starts racing and it's not because I'm scared. I know that he's ridiculously beautiful and I can't deny that I'm attracted to him._

_But it doesn't __mean __anything.  
Elena _


	21. The Return

**A/N: Welcome to Season 2! I know a lot of us really don't like this episode but as far as thought processes go The Return was by far my favourite episode to write thus far simply because of writing from Damon's POV. So I sincerely hope you at least like this version – it's also very long! Be sure to hit that little button and let me know! I own no vampires, super sad. I do own a diary. Don't think that counts for much though! **

**The Return**

"**I know the truth now; I know who you are  
And I don't love you anymore  
It never was and never will be  
You're not real and you can't save me  
Somehow now you're everybody's fool"**

I get to the hospital and after talking to Liz I've found Elena. She's upset about Caroline – she's asking Bonnie to help her but she can't – _"yeah well I can take down a vampire" – _God is she going to hold a grudge forever? I bit her **one **time and I wasn't even trying to kill her. _"I can give Caroline some blood" – "No. No way" – "No just enough to heal her" – _she's in a hospital, what's the worst that could happen?

"_I know this is probably the last thing you wanna do right now but we should talk about what happened tonight" _I say to Elena when Bonnie walks off. _"Yeah – one of the tomb vampires got into the house and almost killed John" – _huh? What do you mean 'almost'? When? After I left?

"_You were there?" – _Oh come on Elena you know I was there. _"When were you at the house?" _Huh? I think my brain is...not functioning. Why is she...?

"_Really? Earlier on the porch, we were talking...cathartic feelings exposed" _do I really have to spell this out? What's wrong with her? "_Come on we __kissed __Elena" – "Okay I don't have time for this Damon" _Huh? _What? _No. Just no – _"Hey if you wanna pretend like it didn't happen then fine –but I __can't__" _oh for god's sake Jenna, that's twice now. Why is Elena being like this? I move away and tune out their conversation for a minute. I am...so confused.

"_I told you earlier" – "no you didn't" – "yes I did" – _Huh? What's...? _"No Jenna you didn't" – "Oh...Hmm– you've gotta be __kidding __me" _No. No. Please. No. She didn't. Jenna didn't tell _Elena. _Why me? Why, why, **why** me?

She wasn't pretending we didn't kiss because **we** didn't kiss. I didn't kiss _Elena. _That fucking **bitch **I'm going to kill her. _Katherine. _I go to tell Elena and then remember Jenna's there so that's going to have to...wait. I need to get to Elena's house. **Now. **And dammit all to hell because Jenna invited her into the house; I **knew t**here was something off with that kiss. It wasn't right. That fire and passion...it wasn't there. Jesus I should have known.

Elena and I get back to the house and Stefan's on the ground – _"Stefan! What happened?" _she cries: oh allow me fill you in _"Katherine happened." _

"_She said she fooled one of us at least...what does that mean?" _– oh dear...um..._"She pretended to be Elena too when I showed up earlier tonight." _Yep. That's what happened, nothing to see here. Move along please.

Oh good saved by Elena. _"No I'm not all right – Katherine was in this house that means she's been invited in. What are we gonna do?"- "Move" – _seems like as good an option as any really.

"_Very helpful" – _Oh I'm sorry Elena that my **psychotic bitch **of an ex stormed back into town and blew my fucking brain into a million itty bitty pieces.

"_What happened tonight when you thought she was Elena?" _Oh dear are we back to that? I'm going to have to tell him, I don't have a choice. Elena knows anyway and she'll squeal even if I don't.

"_To risk another...frown line encroaching on a __very__ crowded forehead...we kissed" – "and you thought it was me?" – _Um...didn't we already do that part? _"What do you mean you kissed?" _Why are they asking stupid questions? Do I actually have to explain the dynamics of...kissing? What do they do? Don't answer that.

Stefan tries to come at me – oh Stefan – _"Don't be obvious Stefan" _– it wasn't even Elena anyway! Okay I tried to kiss his girlfriend, I kissed his girlfriend...never mind that train of thought is just **confusing.**

"_He kissed Katherine. Not me. I wouldn't do that" _what does that mean? _"We don't have time for this guys" _she goes on – _"Later" – _oh you are **so** on baby bro. I am _itching _for a good fight right now.

God I need to go. I need to get out of this house and away from...Elena so I can try and **begin **to make sense of what happened tonight.

"_I'm just gonna ignore the bitch. See ya" – "Is that smart?" – "If Katherine thinks she's being ignored it'll lure her out. She'll make a move" – _Now can I go? Please?

"_Yeah" _okayapparently not "_then what?" – "Stake her. Rip her head off. Something poetic – we'll see" _and now I'm leaving. Goodbye.

I stop by the hospital and give Barbie my blood – my head is reeling, so messed up. Sleep. Sleep will help.

Sleep didn't help. Much. Time for Mayor Lockwood's memorial service. I really need to find out why he was down in that basement. There is a new Lockwood in town; Mason. The Mayors younger brother – _"He's nothing like John" –_ Liz tells me. Well thank the lord for small mercies.

The baby witch finds me – _"Did you know the Gilbert device affected Tyler Lockwood?" – _Um...yep. _"Don't you wanna know why?" _Um...yep. Seriously what's with all the stupid questions recently?

She's going on and on _"You live to see another day" _andI do not have time for judgy – _"no good deed goes unpunished with you does it?" - "Doesn't undo the bad" – _seriously when's the last time I did something **bad? **

"_One wrong move and I'm gonna take you out" – _Wow. She's a little...up herself isn't she? And ouch! Fuck that hurts. Really hurts...it's like she's **burning **my brain. What did I do to deserve that? Is this what trying to do good gets you? Because so far...not really working out in my favour.

Elena's here. At least...I hope it's Elena. Yep it's Elena.

"_Hey how're you doing?" – "Great Elena walkin' on sunshine" – _comin' up roses. _"Thanks for asking" – "We should be able to talk about this" – _Why? I don't **wanna **talk about it. _"We're close enough now. I really wanna know how you're doing" – _Okay fine, if you insist Elena.

"_I kissed you – thought you kissed me back. Doppelganger hijinks ensued. How do you think I'm doing?" – "I think you're hurt" – _No! You don't say Elena – _"Mmm no. I don't get hurt Elena" – "No you don't __admit __that you get hurt. You get angry and cover it up and then you do something stupid." _

Hello. Have you met me? I'm Damon Salvatore - Elena Gilbert's open book. And now I get it.

"_You're scared. You think Katherine's gonna send me off the deep end don't you –_ _I don't need her for that" – _Nope. I've got you. The girl who 'wouldn't kiss me back' and now I've had that thought I have to ask. I know I shouldn't but I am nothing if not a masochist so I have to ask.

"_You know why...why is it such a surprise that I would kiss you?" – "That's not a surprise" – _Great, well good to know, glad we cleared that up. Oh wait there's more. "_I'm surprised that you thought I would kiss you back" – _oh. Hmmm...um...ouch. That...hurts.

"_Now I'm hurt" – _Really? After everything? That's what she meant? I thought she meant she wouldn't kiss me cause of ya know, Stefan and all...not that she just...wouldn't kiss me. But...no. Just. No. I don't believe that. I don't believe her. However before I have time to confront her about it we're alerted to the fantastic news that Katherine has attacked Stefan.

"_We got a crazy ex on the loose. Better watch out looks like Katherine's trying to steal your guy" – _which...odd considering I'm kinda trying to steal his girl.

"_I mean it's only fair since I went after your girl" _not that I'm having much success. Doubt Katherine will either. Elena leaves us to sort out our brotherly differences.

"_I'm not gonna fight you" – "Why? I'd fight me" – _hell I **want **to fight me right now. I wanna fight **something **anyway.

"_I __kissed __Elena" – _sort of...kinda – _"Because you feel something for her. Because you actually care" – _do I really need to be constantly reminded of that? I'm well aware of how I **feel. **"_And I'm not gonna let Katherine come in here and destroy the part of you that is finally, after all this time willing to __feel__ something – she'll try to break you, she'll try to break us and how we respond to that will define us" – _he's good with the speeches my baby bro isn't he? At least this one was more sincere. And he's mostly right

Well. I need to go...drink until I'm drunk.

Katherine.

You have got to be kidding me. _"Very brave of you to come here" _What does she **want **with me? Why is she here? Note to self: find a human for the house so unwelcome vampires can't get in.

I try to walk away but um...vampire speed. Right. Probably not going to be getting out of this one then.

"_What no goodbye kiss?" – "Why don't I kill you instead" _Oh if only I could.

"_Come on. Kiss me or kill me. Which will it be Damon? We both know you're only capable of one" – _god leave me alone!

Or. Not.

Ouch. Bitch. Still having her on top of me. Me being on top of her; I remember this dance. I know it well. But I'm so _angry _at her and that's mostly what this is. That fire that I have with Elena nope there's not even a spark of that with Katherine.

Still I offer Katherine eternity, this beauty of eternity, a chance to go back; to erase the last 145 years of my existence, to return to the world where our love was fireworks and rockets if she will just once, for once, be honest with me. I just need to know the truth.

I don't exactly mean it. I will never be able to forget that she wasn't in the tomb, that she didn't bother to find me. That I existed for 145 years with this burning obsession, this one purpose of saving her; let's face it the bitch ruined my life.

But if she _loves _me then I will somehow be able to look past that. If she _loves _me then I will be able overcome the fact that kissing her does not set me on fire, that I do not love her in the same way. I no longer know if I ever did love her because what I feel now; for someone else is so much more consuming.

But that is a road I need not travel. I have been there before, my brother's girl – not mine.

So if Katherine _loves _me then I will take that and I will live with that. In a part of me I know, even before she says it I know the truth.

"_I've never loved you. It was always Stefan." _

Alcohol. Now. I need to **drown **in alcohol. Knowing the truth does not make it hurt any less. It's like being stabbed in the back with a vervain coated wooden stake. Of course it was always Stefan. Why wouldn't it be? I mean he's just _so_ fucking perfect isn't he?

Everybody loves Stefan. Nobody loves Damon. I am inherently unlovable, clearly. There is never anyone for me.

God I am so fucking drunk and let me tell you after 145 years that's a hard thing to do, particularly for a vampire. But I'm so fucking drunk and I just desperately **need **someone to tell me that they love me...or even just admit that there is fucking something there, something between us, that I am not the only one who feels as if the connection burning between us could light cities on fire.

And that's how I got to Elena's house. I know I probably shouldn't be here but I can't help myself. I just need her to tell me the truth. I need someone in this godforsaken night to tell me the fucking truth.

"_You're surprised that I thought you'd kiss me back? You can't __imagine__ that I'd believe that you'd want to? That what we've been doing here means something? You're the liar Elena. There is something going on between the two of us and you know it"_

I see the truth in her eyes, I see the conflict and this is why I didn't believe her earlier. Because I might be her open book but she is mine and I can read her just as easily. I see the desire that comes off of her in shades fighting with her mind; fighting with her heart.

"_You're lying to me, and you're lying to Stefan and most of all you're lying to yourself and I can prove it" – _I kiss her and this is wrong I know it's wrong but it's there. The fire. Like I knew it would be. And I could probably live with that. Even if she won't admit it right now, I could probably live with knowing that she knows the truth somewhere inside and maybe she's just not ready to face it yet.

"_Damon I care about you. Listen to me I care about you. I do. But I love Stefan. It's always gonna be Stefan" _

She didn't.

Tell me she didn't. Oh my god. It's like déjà-vu. Almost identical words coming from an identical face in the space of 2 fucking hours.

This is not pain. This is not being stabbed in the back. This is not pain. This is more. This is _everything _and I feel like I'm going to collapse under the weight of it. This is being stabbed in the _heart _with a vervain coated wooden stake...a hundred times over and all I know, all I feel is that I need to fucking **hurt **her.

Enter Jeremy Gilbert. Kid wants to be a vampire. I can help with that. _"All you have to do is flip the switch and snap" _and he's dead.

"_Damon noooo" _What have I done?

Oh. My. God. What have I done? What did I do? I just...oh god I needed to make her feel an ounce of my pain and I did. By killing her fucking brother. What the fuck have I done? And now it's too late and I can't take it back.

I've killed her brother and I've just destroyed everything and irrationally I feel like it's all fucking Stefan's fault. But really it's me. It's mine, it's always me.

I am a colossal fuck up. I deserve nothing good. I have killed her brother. I have lost her. There is no coming back from this. I will never be able to repair this and there is nothing in this world for me without her.

I can't flip the switch because my switch is fucked. **She **did that to me; it is her fault. But it is all mine. Katherine doesn't want me, never loved me. Stefan wants me gone, he might not say it anymore but when he finds out about this he will ensure that I leave.

I have lost Elena. Killed her brother. There is nothing for me anymore. There never really was.

I'm finally home although I don't know how I got here. I grab my oldest and best bourbon that I've been saving for a special occasion; does one's own death count as a special occasion?

There is no reason for my existence; all I do is cause misery. All I know is hurt and how to hurt people. Fuck. My. Life.

Stefan has come home. I am surrounded by nothingness, I don't know how long I've been sitting here but the fire has gone out and my glass has crashed and broken into a million little pieces which is funny because that's how I feel about my heart and I'm slumped in a heap on the rug.

Why is he not hitting me? Killing me? It'd be easy enough for him to do right now and this time I won't even try to stop him.

Please Stefan make it stop. Make this pain end. Please Stefan. And then he does. But not by killing me. No.

My brother says 5 words that make me sober up to fuck.

He. Was. Wearing. The. Ring.

And then he punches me in the face. But that's okay.

Jeremy fucking Gilbert – I feel like I could cry. I think I actually might be crying. He was wearing the fucking ring. Stefan is talking but I am not listening. Her brother is alive.

I have not killed him. Well I have but he came back. Christ. I've never felt such...too many emotions. I don't know how to handle this. But maybe, just **maybe **I can find a way to come back from this after all.

Her brother is alive and I will spend the rest of fucking _forever_ making this up to her. I will do whatever she needs me to; I will stop at nothing to come back from this.

Or I will die trying.

_Dear Diary,  
I don't even...wow...so much has happened and I don't even know where to start. Katherine came back to town. She got into my house by pretending to kiss Damon and Jenna invited her inside. She tried to kill John. Jeremy drank Anna's blood and overdosed on pills trying to become a vampire. He's fine though. Caroline is in the hospital and Damon healed her with his blood._

_Damon turned up tonight in my room. I shouldn't have said what I said to him earlier about being surprised he thought I would kiss him back. I knew it was wrong at the time, I just didn't think. And then he came by tonight, he was really drunk and upset...not good. _

"_You're surprised that I thought I would kiss you back? You can't imagine that I believe you would want to? That what we've been doing here means something?" but before I even had time to process he was kissing me and he wouldn't stop and I couldn't think and I didn't know what to do because I'm __not__ that girl. _

_Even if what he said was the truth I wouldn't have kissed him because I would never do that to Stefan. I am not Katherine. I'm not going to play them off of each other. So I said the words that I know I'm going to regret forever but I just had to get him to __stop__ kissing me. _

_I said that I care about him, but I love Stefan which is true. But then I had to go and add 'it's always gonna be Stefan' and I regretted it instantly. God he looked so...broken. It broke my heart. And then...something changed in him he just turned to...anger. Anger personified. _

_And then he killed Jeremy. He snapped his neck. Jeremy was wearing the ring. He's okay. _

_How could Damon do that to me? I hate him diary, I'm so angry and I was filled with this burning, liquid, hatred that I'd never felt before and it was horrible. Damon didn't know he was wearing the ring. He tried to __kill__ my brother. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. I'm just...broken. I told Stefan that I hated him, Damon that is. I think I just need some...Damon free time for a while. Maybe a long while. _

_I feel like my heart has shattered into a million pieces tonight. How could he do that to me? I know I hurt him but I can't give him what he wants. I know it's true. I know there's something between us. Or at least there was. _

_Before he killed my brother and I just can't...deal with this. _

_Oh and Katherine attacked Stefan. Which is just...more problems. Apparently she wants him back. Right this second I feel like she could take them both for all I care. _

_I don't really mean that. Stupid bitch can't have either of them. She doesn't deserve them. God I'm so __angry__. Not even just at Damon – I'm just angry at everything right now. This is too much for one 17 year old girl to handle. I shouldn't have to handle all of this. And what's tomorrow going to bring? I can't help but feel that now Katherine's back it's only going to get worse.  
Elena_


	22. Brave New World

**A/N: Thank you so much for the amazing response to The Return yesterday! And thanks to the guests who review – I like to reply personally to all of my reviews but as I can't do that with guests this will have to suffice. THANK YOU! Unfortunately this chapter is as far as I've gotten so I'm going to need to spend a day or two writing now before you get the next instalment but I promise to try and not keep you waiting for too long!  
I own nothing! **

**Brave New World **

"**But every night I burn  
Waiting for my only friend  
Every night I burn  
Waiting for the world to end"**

So I have a new mission: find out what the Lockwood kid is, keep my mind off everything else and hopefully prevent myself from making another epic mistake as well.

My first stop: tea with Mrs. Mayor. Only, I suppose she's not really Mrs. Mayor anymore, damn I'm going to have to come up with a new nickname. _"I'll be acting as interim mayor until the elections" _oh well then. Mrs. Mayor it is I guess. "_I'm going to need someone to spearhead the council. I'd like that person to be you." _Of course you would. How's that for irony? So perfect, so poetic. _"As a founding family member it's something that's very close to me" _or more importantly, as a vampire.

The kid and Mason get back while we're having tea so I tune into their conversation _"...get angry, typically over nothing. I'm an angry guy, it just amplifies and I go off. I go blind with rage. All I know is I lose myself, for that time I become something else" _Tyler tells his uncle and while that was...enlightening but **what? **What does he become? What _is _he?

I'm back at home pondering these things when Stefan comes in. I offer him a drink but he _"just ate" – "Aren't you worried that one day all the forest animals are gonna band together and bite back? I mean, surely they talk?" _Honestly I don't know how he does it. All that fur. Yuk!

"_I'm just happy that's a blood bag and not a sorority girl supplying your dinner" _oh I get it. He's worried I'm gonna go off the rails. Again.

"_I like this. You walking on eggshells around me cause you think I'm gonna explode. It's very...suspenseful" _no faith in me my brother. Nope. I have decided to start learning from my mistakes. A big step in the life of Damon Salvatore.

"_Have you heard from Katherine?" _God, why do I even need to hear her name? Nope, don't wanna talk about her; let's discuss more interesting things instead.

"_I think the Lockwood's have a family secret, they're not vampires, they're something else" – "Is this your new obsession?" _yes, would you prefer the old Damon back brother? Actually he probably would, what with him being worried I'm going to steal his girl and all.

"_We haven't seen the last of Katherine" _again? Really? _"You do know that, right?" _Me? I'd happily go the rest of eternity without seeing the little bitch again, but he is right. She's here for something, wants something. Regardless;

"_She came back to profess her undying eternal love for you. So...I'm gonna let you deal with her" _and have fun with that brother. She's his problem now, not mine. I have wasted more than enough time dealing with her.

"_Cause I have more important things to do, like e__xplode__" _or...find out the Lockwood family secret shame. Nice talking to you Stefan, as ever.

There's a school carnival tonight and I spot Jeremy Gilbert. In the flesh, "_so good to see you alive" _he has no idea **how much **I mean that.

Really Gilbert? Threatening me? Honestly, I _just _killed him. Learn something people! Okay, fine, lesson time.

Ah the classic choke hold, always works well in lessons. _"This is what we're not gonna do, we're not gonna walk around like we're invincible when it's __this__ easy for me to end you" _I grab his special little come back to life ring and toss it at him. It might seem harsh but the kid needs to learn. Oddly enough given that I actually **did **kill him I am by far _not _the most dangerous creature around here that could end him and acting like a little brat isn't going to help anything.

I'm watching the Mayor's kid in the arm wrestling contest when Stefan finds me and accuses me of lurking, nope, I am observing. Tyler wins for the 3rd time in a row. _"He's got strength...enter the uncle" _I tell Stefan and we watch as Mason defeats Tyler in less than 5 seconds. **Definitely **super strength.

"_Who wants to go next?" _ooh, ooh, Stefan does! _"Stefan wants a go" _knock 'em dead brother.

"_My brother over there thinks I can beat you"_ Stefan says as he sits down. No you're a fucking vampire. I **know **you can beat him.

Or. Not.

What the hell Stefan? _"You didn't put in __any__ effort at all" – "yeah actually, I did" _huh? Wait, no. That's not supposed to happen. "_Come with me" _I lead Stefan away from the freakishly strong Lockwood's and he tells me it was _"more than human if that makes any sense" _which no, it doesn't. It makes no sense. At all. _"What the hell are they?" _I demand to know, as if he has any idea.

"_Ooh. Maybe they're um...ninja turtles" _Not funny. _"Or no...Zombies, werewolves" _seriously he picks** now **to try and find a funny bone? This is **serious **god dammit. Why am I the only one who seems to understand that?

I decide to manufacture a little scrap between Tyler and a carnival worker, "_that Tyler kid is incapable of walking away from a fight. Let's see who intervenes – maybe it's the ambiguously supernatural mystery uncle" _and maybe now I can get some answers.

I'm walking down the corridor and. Caroline. "_Hey Blondie" _she looks...kinda pissed, odd.

"_I remember" _sorry come again? What do you remember? I do not have time for childish games.

"_I remember how you manipulated me, you pushed me around, abused me" _well now, I wouldn't go _that _far. _"Erased my memories, __fed__ on me" _I do not know where this is coming from but I don't like it. Not one bit.

"_You're crazy" _– _"The memories have been coming back" _Nope. Not Possible.

"_You can't remember – it's impossible...I mean, unless you were..." _oh god no.

"_I have a message from Katherine" _shit. _"She said Game On" _shit. Shit. Shit. This. Is. Shit.

Barbie shoves me to the floor and yep, she is fully vamped up. "_You suck". _Yes. Yes I do, thank you for pointing that out.

Fucking Katherine, what is she up to? Whatever it is I don't have time to figure it out right now, I'm going to have to kill Vampire Barbie, for real. Not cool. Jesus. Can we not just have **one **day, just **one **day with no fucking drama?

Need to find Elena. Right Now.

"_Elena" – "What do you want Damon?" _oh, words. Well it's better than the silence I anticipated. "_I know I'm the last person you wanna see right now but I need you to come with me" – "Whatever it is I'm not interested" – _Okay, maybe I need to be a little bit clearer – _"Yeah. I need you to come with me __right now__ Elena" _yep that worked. Let's go find Stefan.

So, remember what I said about learning from my mistakes? This is step one. Vampire Barbie has to die, that girl will **not **make it as a vampire. I made a mistake with Vicki so this is me...learning from that.

I fill Elena and Stefan in on what's going on but they seem more concerned with what games Katherine is up to than anything else, _"Katherine is a manipulative nasty little slut" _and that basically clears that up, and clears up any confusion anyone might have regarding my feelings for said nasty little slut. Can we focus on the problem at hand now please?

"_We have to find her" _my brother states the obvious as usual. _"Yep. And kill her" – "You're not gonna kill Caroline" _Elena says, yeah totally didn't see **that** coming a mile away.

"_Need I remind you of a tragic little story of a girl named Vicki Donovan? Caroline of all people will not make it as a vampire" _come on, "_we all know how this story ends" – "It's not an option Damon"_ oh god please don't cry, I've had just about as much teen drama as I can handle tonight and I cannot bear it when she cries. I know, let's put the focus on Saint Stefan for a minute.

"_Your silence is deafening Stefan"_ there see? Stefan knows the truth. _"We're not gonna kill her" _oh god not you too.

"_It's the only way" _I tell Elena as she storms out, I guess I'll have to do the dirty work alone then, as usual.

Wood, pointy, yep; that'll do nicely. Found her! She's killed the carnival guy I compelled earlier, sucks to be him. I do feel kinda sorry for her but it's like...a mercy killing, she'll never make it.

Jesus, Stefan. He _knows _it's the only way and I tell him so, again. Why won't he just **admit **it, why does he always have to play the martyr role? _"It's not gonna happen tonight" _he says as he leads Caroline away.

Well. I beg to differ. I grab the stake again and rush for Caroline.

Fucking. _Elena_. Christ. Oh god I think my brain just died. She is _insane. _Thank god I have super reflexes or we'd have a **dead-dead** girlfriend on our hands.

"_Damon she's my f__riend__" _and then she looks at me with those big doe eyes that I can't bloody resist and I'm lost. So fucking lost for this girl.

"_Whatever happens, it's on you" _I tell her. Oh great, judgy's joined the party. And my brain is on fire. Ah. Stop it.

"_I told you what would happen if anyone else got hurt" s_he says, but Christ I didn't do it, for a change. It wasn't me! Please stop.

"_Bonnie it wasn't his fault" _right Elena, thank you, that's what I said! Oh...fire. Shit.

"_Bonnie stop it"_ what is she doing? Why is she defending me? Oh fuck and I'm on fire. Dammit put it out!

"_Bonnie stop it you're gonna kill him" _I don't know why she's trying to save me **again **but Christ Elena please make her stop.

Ho-lee shit...wow. Did she just...yep. She jumped over a wall of fire. To save me; again. Even though I just kinda killed her brother.

"_Why did you stop me?" _the little witch demands. Yeah that's what I'd like to know, not that I'm complaining. What's that...4 times now?

'Kay, now that I'm no longer...burning, I have a body to bury and a houseful of alcohol calling my name.

Or. Not.

Bloody Jeremy Gilbert. _"You don't lock your front door" _great, thanks for the reminder. I'll be sure to rectify my mistakes in future. He's spiked my bourbon with vervain _"so I could stake you"_ he explains. Kinda brave, stupid, but brave. Apparently it runs in the family.

"_My father hated vampires. My uncle too, they were absolute. They knew exactly what they stood for. I figure maybe I should too – at least stand for something" _bloody Gilbert's and their family legacy bullshit.

"_Look I don't do the big brother thing very well. Sorry I don't have any milk and cookies to offer you" – "Dick" – _yeah. I know. I got a list of people a mile long telling me that. But. "_Wait" _I'm changing, right?

Allow me to tell you a little story baby Gilbert. _"My father hated vampires too..."_

_Dear Diary,  
God all I wanted was one day, just one normal day, with no drama, no Damon, no problems...just one simple high-school day in the life of a teenage girl, but of course nothing can be that easy. _

_Caroline is a vampire. Apparently Katherine turned her after Damon used his blood to heal her. And then Bonnie tried to kill Damon. _

_And yes, I'm really angry with him right now, I don't want to deal with him right now, I don't even really want to __see__ him right now but I still can't let him die. And Bonnie was being irrational, it wasn't his fault! Damon tried to do a good thing, he tried to save Caroline, in a way he __did__ save Caroline, it wasn't his fault. _

_And then Bonnie was burning him, he was on fire and I was terrified, it seems so irrational, why should I even care so much? But I can't deny that I do, I had to jump through the fire to get her to stop, I was so afraid she wasn't going to, I was so afraid that he was going to die. _

_It doesn't seem to matter that I'm angry at him; the facts are that Damon has become important to me, and I don't want to lose him, not like that. I don't want to be his friend right now, but I can't let him die. _

_And I know that things are just going to get worse from now on, Damon thinks there's something going on with the Lockwood's, one of my best friends is a vampire because Katherine is playing stupid games and nobody knows why or what she's going to do next, but I can't help but feel that it's just the beginning.  
Elena_


	23. Bad Moon Rising & Memory Lane

**A/N: So I wrote like a demon all day yesterday to bring you Bad Moon Rising and more importantly DAILY UPDATE! That being said I sincerely hope you enjoy my hard work! At the end is a summary of Memory Lane since we're skipping that episode. Do review and let me know things. I own nothing. Zilch. **

**Bad Moon Rising **

"**Don't go and leave me  
And please don't drive me blind  
I know we're broken  
I know I broke it"**

Ric's arrived at the house because we need to try and find information about the mysterious Lockwood's. _"Elena mentioned you needed my help" _damn but it's good to have that girl around, clearly I'm not the **only **one who comes running when she calls.

"_We were hoping you could help shed some light on the Lockwood family" _well now, that's not entirely accurate Stefan. What we are actually hoping is that _Isobel_ can help shed some light, or her research more to the point.

"_The lycanthrope" _Ric replies when we ask about the 'mythical' research Isobel did on Mystic Falls. _"Like...werewolves?" _Elena establishes. Nope. _"No way" _Not possible. "_I been on this planet a hundred and sixty-some odd years, never come across one" _impossible. **IF **they existed; where the hell have they been hiding? You'd think it kinda difficult to disguise the fact that you transform into a massive beast.

Ric informs us that all of Isobel's research is still at Duke _"so can we get access to it? We need to know what we're dealing with. If this wolf man thing is true I've seen enough movies to know it's not good." _So please...some help here?

Going to Duke which means yay! Road trip with Elena...and Alaric but still; the last road trip worked our rather well for us. Maybe it can be our 'thing'.

Wow-ee she looks _pissed. _

"_Sorry you can't come too Stef"_ well this should be **fun.** _"Call me if you need anything" _Stefan tells her _"Oh I'll take __really__ good care of her" _I always do. And _that_ is...unpleasant to watch.

O-kay enough with the kissing; time to leave please. In the car you go.

We've been driving in tension filled silence for what feels like hours now and I'm getting a _little _tired of it. Time to try and break the ice, I mean she can't hate me **that **much, she _just _saved my life for like the billionth time.

"_How you doin' back there? You know this __pretending __to hate me thing is getting a little silly" – "Ha. I don't think she's pretending" –_ well, first of all I didn't ask you Ric. And second of all **I **think you don't know Elena very well if that's what you believe. _"You did kill her brother" _uh-huh and then he came back to life! And if baby Gilbert can get over it then surely she can to!

"_Thanks to a ring you didn't know he was wearing!" – "Why are you so sure I didn't know?" – "Did you?"_- No – _"Yes" – "You're lying" – _Yes I am. _"Elena I saw the ring. It's a big tacky thing, it's hard to miss" _I did not see the ring. I wish I had, but I'm not going to tell her the truth **now. **Not with an audience. And that effectively ends the conversation until we arrive at Duke.

We meet Vanessa, Isobel's research assistant and she leads us to the office which is just crammed full of...stuff, god only knows what half of it is but something feels a little...off.

"_Where'd she go?" _Elena gasps and dear god she's got a fucking crossbow. Vanessa that is, not Elena. I don't even think I'm just...there and yep...there's an arrow in my back. Ouch. Much better in my back than Elena's heart though although it does fucking hurt. Elena helps me up but she's dithering over pulling the damn thing out.

"_Pull it out. I can't reach it Elena" _and I don't really relish the thought of walking around with an arrow in my back all day. _"Just pull the damn thing out – it hurts"_ ouch. And thank you.

Phew. _"That bitch is dead" _–_ "Ah! You're not gonna kill her" _are you serious right now? She just tried to kill **you.** Of course I'm going to fucking kill her. _"You touch her and I swear I will never speak to you again" _o-kay maybe I'm not gonna kill her then –_"what makes you think that has any power over me?" _but Christ it does, because I'm a damn fool. _"Because I took an arrow in the back for you? You are severely over-estimating yourself." _Nope, not even one little bit. I'd take an arrow in the back for this girl every single day for eternity if that's what needs to be done.

We get into a little spat and then she tells me to go ahead and do whatever I want but honestly I'm just glad she's talking to me, even if she is being a bitch about it, it's still better than nothing.

Elena explains who she is to Vanessa _"and this is Damon Salvatore – who you just shot" – _yeah – "_I'd be e__xtra__ nice to me right now" _Elena explains why we're here and maybe now we can move past all the dramatics and find some actual answers.

I'm searching through piles of...junk mostly; when Elena gives Vanessa vervain _"Does vervain really work?" _she asks _"Nope. Not at all" _stupid damn plant. _"Can he hear us?" – "No. That would be creepy" _I stage whisper. _"Can he read minds too?" _unfortunately that I cannot do. "_You know if you wanna see me naked all you have to do is ask" _come on, that's totally what she's been thinking since the minute we got in this place. _"No." _Elena responds _"That he can't do. But he is very capable of being a first rate jack-ass" _well, I'm going to take that as progress. I've been called worse.

Hours pass and Elena's getting grumpy because she can't find any answers. _"There's nothing in here about Katherine that we don't already know" – "Aw man, you know it's a bummer we're not friends anymore because I could tell you what I know" – "Hey guys. Check this out" _Ric speaks up, maybe they've found something. Eventually.

They have. Information about werewolves and some curse or other; the 'curse of the sun and the moon'...how very _original. _Apparently it's an Aztec curse that was placed on wolves and vampire some six-hundred odd years ago making them slaves to the sun and the moon. Vanessa tells us that the wolves turn on the full moon and hunt vampires but apparently we've hunted them almost to extinction which I suppose would explain why I've never come across one.

Only in Mystic Falls; the supernatural beacon of the world. "_Legend has it that a werewolf bite is fatal to vampires" _oh well that's...not concerning at all. Elena has put the pieces together, Lockwood's, wolves, Stefan, Caroline, tonight's a full moon and...She's gone, rushing off to fill Stefan in on the details I suppose.

When she comes back she resumes her fruitless search for Katherine related answers. "_Have you done any research on doppelgangers?" _she asks Vanessa. _"Typically a doppelganger is a living, breathing double of one's self...doppelgangers usually torment the people they look like, trying to undo their lives. It's not exactly uplifting" – "And more things we already know" _Elena sounds so dejected. _"I wanna know why we look alike" – _yeah I can help with that. _"Head-scratcher isn't it?" – "Do you know something or are you just being yourself?" _um...both.

"_...And this coming from someone who wants to be my friend. You know what? Friends don't manipulate friends. They help each other"_ oh I know that! I was just trying to get her to lighten up a bit. Girl has gotten **way **too serious since Katherine showed up.

"_Can we just go?" _yes but first...I give Elena the Petrova book. That's Katherine's history right there.

"_Katherine originally came from Europe. Petrova was her real name. Katerina Petrova to be exact" _yes Elena, men do in fact, snoop too. _"Let me know what you find. Very curious myself" _which is true, I am curious to know how they're linked but more importantly, it's an excuse to actually talk to Elena again. And I hate that we're back to that place where I need an excuse to speak to her.

"_You have every right to hate me. I understand but you hated me before and we became friends. It would __suck__ if that was gone forever. So...is it? Have I lost you forever?" _god its hard being so...open and, I don't know but I am sort of scared of her answer.

"_Thank you for the book Damon" _well that's not an answer but I step aside to let her into the car. I guess no answer is better than the worst possible answer right? And it's time for another awkward car ride home I suppose.

I walk Elena to her door; the lack of an answer has been driving me nuts and I know I probably shouldn't push her but I just...I need to know.

"_This doesn't mean that things are back to the way they used to be Damon" – "Oh come on, I know I chipped a little bit off your wall of hatred" – "I need to know the truth. When you broke Jeremy's neck, did you know he was wearing the ring?" _

So she needs an answer and I need an answer but somehow I suddenly doubt either of us are going to hear the response we really want tonight. But I won't lie to her, not even for **my **greater good. I can't lie to Elena, I need it to be real, it's not even a choice.

"_No. No I didn't. Katherine really pissed me off" _which is the truth, but it's not what pushed me over the edge, it was Elena, her words, those same words, that broke me but I'll never tell her that_ "and I...I snapped then...I got lucky with the ring" _so fucking lucky. _"I don't know what I would've done if he wasn't wearing it" _but I do know that I definitely wouldn't be standing here talking to you. Don't think I'd be standing anywhere.

"_Elena. I'm sorry" _so fucking sorry.

"_Thank you for being honest with me. And the answer to your question, about our friendship, is yes. You have lost me forever" _well I can't say I didn't expect that but god it hurts all the same. But being hurt is something I am very used to; I know how to cope with that, I know how to respond to that.

"_But you knew that already didn't you? You used me today" – "You had information about Katherine that I needed" – "I thought friends didn't manipulate friends" _your words Elena. Not mine.

"_But you and Katherine have a __lot __more in common than just your looks" _God I shouldn't have said that. If I'd thought about it for two fucking seconds I would have realised that she's just lashing out because she's angry. She's so like me it's ridiculous but I'm impulsive if nothing else and I'm sure right now she means what she said. Whatever we had, our 'something', is over and it's my fault. I broke it.

But at this very moment, as I walk away from her and leave her with my words that hurt her in the best way I know how to, it's in this moment that I finally accept the truth.

I am in love with Elena Gilbert.

The girl I have just lost 'forever'. Fortunately I'm all too well aware that forever can be a very fucking long time. And I will wait.

_Dear Diary,  
Today Damon, Ric and I went on a trip to Duke to look through Isobel's research for answers about Katherine and the werewolves while Stefan was helping Caroline adjust to her new life. _

_The research assistant, Vanessa, shot Damon in the back with an arrow. She was actually aiming for me but Damon leapt in front of me, I've never seen him move so quickly, there was just...no hesitation. Not even a second's thought, he was just...there. Saving me. _

_God this entire situation with Damon is just...__screwed __up. I'm not ready to go back to being friends with him, he told me the truth tonight, he told me that he didn't know Jer was wearing the Gilbert ring and he said he was sorry and I believe him. But I'm still angry with him; mostly I'm just disappointed in him though. He said that Katherine pissed him off and that's why he snapped...but he got pissed off at __Katherine__ and he tried to break __me__. If Jeremy had really died...I'm not even going to begin to think about that. _

_So that's why I told him that he's lost me forever. I didn't even mean it, I don't mean it, but right now it's __easier__ to not be his friend...I think. But I said it to hurt him, which was wrong of me, but...he hurt me first and then he just accused me of being just like Katherine which just hurt me again...and that's why it's so screwed up. I don't want to be trapped in a vicious cycle where we just keep hurting each other. I won't let it be like that. _

_So I'm just going to take a few Damon free days and try and sort through this...entire messy situation and then make things better. Somehow.  
Elena_

**Memory Lane**

_Katherine threatens Caroline and uses her as a distraction so she can spend time alone with Stefan. Damon engineers a party at Elena's house in order to 'get to know' Mason Lockwood. Stefan injects Katherine with vervain and chains her up in the basement where he attempts to 'torture' information out of her. Katherine provides Stefan with details about the Lockwood's and what really happened in 1864. Katherine orchestrated the fire at the church because she was running from someone and she built up her tolerance to vervain after being poisoned by Stefan's blood on the night of the fire.  
"Love. Hate. Such a fine line."  
Elena leaves to track down Stefan and gets into a fight with Caroline. Mason offers Damon peace and he responds by trying to kill Mason which fails because silver heals wolves. Katherine threatens Elena's friends and family as a way to get Stefan to remove Elena from his life. Katherine attacks Stefan and Elena meets her doppelganger face to face for the first time.  
Stefan and Elena realise that Katherine has gotten to Caroline and they stage a fight/break-up in front of her. Tyler confronts Mason and forces him into revealing how the curse is broken. Damon runs into Katherine outside the grill. "I don't do jealous. Not with you. Not anymore." _


	24. Kill Or Be Killed & Plan B

**A/N: I can't tell you how much fun I'm having writing this story. And I also can't tell you enough just how much each and every one of your reviews mean to me. You guys have become the biggest reason that I've kept this going because it is exceptionally hard work. Having said that here be Kill or Be Killed. Enjoy. I own nothing. **

**Kill Or Be Killed & Plan B**

"**So tell me now if this aint love  
Then how do we get out  
She said 'I don't hate you boy'  
I just want to save you while there's  
Still something left to save"**

We-ell, I'm feeling decidedly _useless _after my failed attempt to kill Mason Lockwood. Stefan's filled me in on all the gory details he learnt from Katherine although truth be told not a great deal of it was entirely surprising, but we still don't know the **real** reason that she's here. However, right now I'm more interested in finding a way to _actually _kill a werewolf. I'm guessing a standard neck snap or heart-snatch will do the trick.

Today is the Mystic Falls Historical Society Volunteer Day Picnic and god what a mouthful that is; but as 'council leader' it's apparently one of my duties to be involved. I overhear Stefan trying to make peace with Mason on my behalf.

"_Tell your brother to watch his back" _at least Stefan has some common sense, even if he doesn't employ it altogether regularly. _"Well I'm guessing that he only has to worry about that during a full moon otherwise you're not as strong, am I right? There's one of you. There's two of us. I think you're the one that needs to watch his back" _man I'm really digging the brotherly love today.

"_What are you doing?" – "Negotiating peace on your behalf" – _yeah I got that part – _"I don't w__an't__ peace" – "Well. Consider it opposite day" _but he does know it's not actually going to work, right?

"_No actually, I think that the first chance Mason Lockwood gets he's gonna drive a stake through your heart. And then through mine" _yeah well...chance'd be a fine thing. _"So thank you...cause we don't have enough problems" _mmm, yeah...shoulda just gone with the heart-snatch in the first place.

I find Liz who I saw talking with Mason while taking a leisurely stroll with my brother. _"What was that about?" – "I asked him to help with the cleanup in the woods" _she seems a little...off. "_Are you okay Liz? You seem really upset" – "It's Caroline"_ oh well that makes sense I suppose. _"Is there anything I can do?" _cos' I haven't done enough already. _"No Damon. Thank you. It's just horrible parenting skills paying off in spades" _she says as she walks away, maybe I should try and talk to Caroline.

Elena's marching off to see Stefan when I get there – _"What's her problem?" – "Don't worry about it" – "Why are you being such a bitch to your mom?" – "Don't worry about it" – _well o-kay then, that went brilliantly. Never mind, at least I tried.

Stefan and Elena are staging another little fight, I'm assuming this is for Vampire Barbie's benefit because it's **definitely **not for mine and it's so obviously staged, anyone can see that. But why? I think Stefan must have missed out some parts of his story about his visit with Little Miss Katherine and that's exactly what I mean about his lack of common sense. Surely, the most logical option is for us all to be singing from the same hymn sheet, so to speak.

Although Elena does ask intriguing questions: _"I saw her Stefan. It's like we're the same person. How could you hate her and be in love with me?" – "You're reaching. I'm not Damon" _wait...what? That makes...no sense. I don't hate Katherine. Don't particularly **like **the girl but I don't hate her, there's much too thin a line between love and hate if you ask me...easy to confuse one for the other. Personally I think indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. That's beside the point; I think Stefan is confusing us brothers – he's the one who claims to hate Katherine. I have never said such a thing.

"_How about we don't bring Damon into this right now?" _yeah thanks Elena, how 'bout that? God I want to know what's going on.

Right it's time to speak to Stefan and get some answers _"So what's up with this faux-drama in your relationship?" – "What are you talking about?" _wow my brother could not lie to save his undead life. He's **so **transparent. _"Oh come on Stefan, you and Elena don't fight. Especially not over me" – "Drop it Damon" _God fine I will, for now. Ooh lemonade don't mind if I – AH! Vervain. Shit.

Fuck that stuff is _nasty. _Fucking Mason Lockwood, it is way past time to kill that damn wolf. _"I'm gonna kill him" _god dammit Stefan let me go he has to die. "_I'm not listening to any more of your 'give peace a chance' crap" – "Okay. Okay. I don't like it but he's making threats, he could expose us. We need to put him down" _huh? What? He's actually **agreeing **with me? Alert the fucking media. What the hell are we doing sitting here then? Let's go..._"Let's do it. Woods. Trash duty." _

Time to die wolfie _"Go ahead. Run. We'll give you a head start."_

Or. Not.

Fuck. My. Life.

Bullets. Wooden ones at that. A whole lotta them. Shit. And to top it off? Vervain.

I come to in some creepy ass cellar with Liz hovering over me. Goddamn wooden bullets. Stef's still out of commission and he does not look good. At. All.

"_This is how it's gonna work. Answer me and you don't get shot. Understand?" _no I don't understand! Why is she doing this? "_How many of you are there" _please don't do this. She shoots me again. "_How did you fool us? How do you walk in the sun?" _oh Christ no, don't shoot Stefan again please. I'll fucking tell you anything you want to know but if she keeps shooting my brother I think he will actually die.

"_I will drag this out painfully" – "But you're my friend" – "Our friendship was a lie. Answer me and I'll kill you fast." _

"_You can't kill them. I'm not gonna let you" _'Lena. God that girl is literally like, my saviour. Every fucking time. Although what exactly she thinks she's going to be able to do this time I'm not entirely sure – that is until Blondie comes rushing in and darts around the place, I'm not entirely focusing on what's happening I just know there are dead people with blood that I can drink and that's good enough for me.

I feed and tell Stefan that he needs to _"drink some deputy blood" _but he just keeps refusing, even Caroline backs me up but Stef's not having any of it so...fine. We'll go catch him a fucking deer when we've cleaned up this mess of an unfortunate situation.

"_2 deputies dead and you" _Liz Forbes _"What am I gonna do with you?" _Caroline tries to reason with her mom but yeah...that's not really working out too well.

"_He __will__ kill you" – "Then kill me. I can't take this. Kill me. Now" _oh so dramatic! "_But you were gonna drag it out so painfully" _I grab hold of Liz and Caroline starts shrieking her head off which only causes Elena and Stefan to start shouting at me too. God I'm only going to take her home.

Seriously people, find a little faith in me would ya? "_Relax guys; no one's going to kill anybody. You're my friend" _a little compulsion when the vervain wears off and it'll all be as if it never happened.

But first _"we gotta clean this up" _I sincerely hope no-one is ever of a mind to go diving in the quarry because that place is quickly becoming the dumping ground for vampire kills.

Back at home I set Liz up in the cellar which seems nasty but is really the best place for her right now. _"Keep Caroline away from me please, I don't wanna see her" – "She's your daughter Liz" – "Not anymore. My daughter's gone." _Wow. "_You have no i__dea__ how wrong you are about that." _

I was wrong about Vampire Barbie, I said she wouldn't make it as one of us and I was wrong. Turns out she's actually kind of kick-ass and useful to have around. See? I can admit to being wrong...occasionally.

Stefan and Elena get into a fight, only this time it's actually real. Stef wants to drink the people blood and Elena doesn't want him to, and while that's certainly...understandable after what happened the last time, it's not for the best. And I know she knows that. _"He can hear us wherever we are" _yep. That I can, and let me tell you...sometimes...that really fucking sucks.

"_Caroline's sleeping on the couch" _Elena tells me when I go to see her. _"I heard. And you?" – "I'm going home" _oh...shame. She turns round at the door though, _"What you did, for Caroline's mom. That's the Damon who was my friend" _huh...well. I'm not really sure what to make of that right now.

"_Hey...Stefan didn't drink the people blood, if you were curious. But he needs to and deep down you know that" _and my work here is done. Damon Salvatore – fixer of my brother's relationship problems. God I'm an idiot, but it is the truth. We can't protect her properly if we're not strong enough. So we need to **be** strong enough, it's as simple and as complicated as that.

_Dear Diary,  
Stefan and I had to pretend to break up to fool Katherine which just seems, stupid...I don't want to play her silly games but Stefan seems to think it's the best thing to do to stop her from following through on her threats. _

_Today was the volunteer day picnic and I was talking with Caroline when she sensed that something was wrong. With Damon and Stefan. So she tracked them and there was blood in the woods and then Mason Lockwood appeared, he grabbed me but Caroline attacked him and we went to find them. Caroline said her mom was killing them and then she tried to stop me from going in!_

_Seriously when are my friends going to stop trying to prevent me from saving Damon and Stefan? Don't they __understand?__ I have to...it's not a choice. So anyway I ran inside and hit a man over the head with a wooden board because clearly when it comes to saving them my morals go right out the window. I told Liz that she couldn't kill them, that I wouldn't let her, though I don't really know what I planned to do so thank god Caroline turned up. _

_Damon took Liz back to the Salvatore house, he's keeping her there until he can compel her to forget everything that happened. I told him tonight that what he did for Caroline's mom, 'that's the Damon who was my friend' I want him to know that I'm beginning to feel ready to start over. Slowly. I guess after having to save him again, today...I'm beginning to feel ready to have him back in my life again. _

_Caroline told me what we already knew, that Katherine has been making her spy on Stefan and me and report back and she threatened Matt. Stefan thinks he can learn to control the bloodlust so I agreed to help him – he's going to drink a little of my blood every day, to try and build up his strength. He thinks it's the best way to protect me and Damon told me that deep down I know it's true, and he was right. _

_It's one of the things I __lo__...like the most about Damon. He always just cuts straight to the point, a lot of people have an annoying habit of treating me like I'm made of glass, but not Damon; he's just upfront and blunt and gets down to it – and most of the time he's right anyway.  
Elena_

**Plan B**

_Stefan and Elena continue fake fighting for Katherine's benefit. Katherine and Mason are together and she is using Mason to get the moonstone back for her. Jeremy goes to Damon with his newfound information about Tyler and Mason Lockwood and Damon enlists Jeremy's help with retrieving the moonstone. _

_Bonnie touches Mason and links him with Katherine then agrees to help Damon and Stefan take him out after finding out that Tyler has given the moonstone to Mason and that they are a threat to Elena. _

_Damon chains Mason up with Bonnie's help and she discovers that he is hiding the moonstone in a well. Damon tortures and kills Mason Lockwood. "Katherine will only rip your heart out. Let me do it for her."_

_Stefan gives Damon the moonstone and Damon phones Katherine to brag about killing Mason, she retaliates by having Jenna stab herself which forces Elena to break up with Stefan for real. _

"_But when life gives you lemons..."_


	25. Masquerade

**A/N: So although there were literally 0 Delena moments in this episode I still felt like it was incredibly important to write it as a whole chapter simply because of Damon's thought process and how it links to Elena which made it a really fun chapter to write. So I hope you enjoy! Also there's no Elena's diary in this one for what I'm sure is obvious reasons but she'll catch you up next time!  
I own nothing. Sucks to be me. **

**Masquerade**

"**I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead"**

So, after Katherine tried to kill Jenna and Elena broke up with Stefan I have come to the conclusion that the time has finally come to end the bitch. It is waaay past due. But it's going to have to be a team effort and a very distraught member of said team turned up at my house this morning with a message from aforementioned bitch.

"_What happened?" _oh good Mr. Exceptionally Broody Today has arrived. I let Caroline fill him in on the drama _"I saw Katherine today" _she pretended to be Elena, of course. _"What was the message?" – "Tell Damon and Stefan that I want the moonstone or I will rip this town apart until it rains blood. Tonight, at the Masquerade Ball" _you have to admit, the girl's got flair if nothing else.

"_Can't we just give her the moonstone so she'll leave?" _Barbie asks...um...no. _"Katherine's not getting dick. I've had it. I'm gonna go to the Masquerade Ball and I'm gonna kill her" _Simple. As. Pie. "_Tonight." – "You're not gonna kill her" _oh don't even start with your goody-goody shit Stefan. "_You're not gonna kill her. Because I am" _Oooh great! Like I said, Team Effort.

Bonnie has arrived, a vital member of Operation Kill Katherine so now the whole gang's here, minus Elena of course. She's at home taking care of Jenna which is **exactly **where she needs to be. Ric is demonstrating how to use his fancy vamp killing weapons only he's demonstrating a little _too _well and scaring half the vampires in the room. _"You wanted me to show you how to kill a vampire so..." _okay moving right along then.

"_You sure you guys don't want me there tonight?" _Ric asks – _"No I need you to stay with Elena, I don't want her to know about this" _Stefan replies so Ric becomes the appointed Elena-sitter. _"Okay well I'll make sure she doesn't leave my sight." _I don't much like the thought of going behind Elena's back, it's not reallymy style but first of all it's not my call, though technically she and Stefan _did _break up. More importantly though keeping her out of this will keep her **safe **and that's all that matters at the end of the day.

"_Cold feet speak now. I don't want this going wrong cause someone chickens out" _but everyone's on board with the plan so it's time to make myself pretty and off to the ball we go.

Stefan and I are keeping a lookout for a Katherine/Elena look-a-like and Bonnie and Jeremy are off taking care of sealing the room when Stefan asks if I'm 'sure I can do this' _"Who are you talking to?" –"Well I had the chance to kill her and I hesitated" _and thus the eternal difference between you and me brother; _"I don't hesitate" – "Well you spent 145 years loving her, it could happen" – "I won't hesitate" _and I also don't like being reminded of that fact so shhh Stefan!

Bonnie texts to let me know the room is ready so I go and set it up and then Stefan arrives to tell me that Katherine's just killed one of his classmates. _"I've put the body in the trunk for now" _and yet another body to add to the growing collection in the quarry then I suppose.

"_This is exactly what I didn't want Damon" _oh come on...I mean yeah it sucks but it's not the end of world. _"Stefan, it's collateral damage" – "right, which is why we need to call it off" – _nope. No way. Don't lose your head now brother. "_What? Who's hesitating now? Hey! Don't do this to me. This woman ruined our lives, she destroyed us. Tonight it ends. Let's do it together, I got your back" – "All right" _okay good job Damon, pep talk over, Stef's back on board. Now we just have to wait and hope the rest of the gang do their jobs effectively.

Caroline executes her part perfectly and Katherine is trapped, with us. _"Stefan" – "Hello Katherine" – "You don't really think you can kill me with that now do you?" – "No" _and that'd be my cue. I feel very James Bond like tonight, it's a good look for me I think. "_But he can" _Perfect shot Damon. Right in the back, good aim. Stefan rushes her and stabs her arm.

What can I say; his approach isn't quite as stealthy as mine. Or maybe he just wants to hurt her some first.

Unfortunately Katherine strong, really...strong; but there's two of us and eventually Stefan manages to grab her and take her to the ground. I feel like it is poetic justice that I get to deliver the final blow

"_Stop"_

Or. Not.

Jeremy Gilbert. _"You're hurting Elena" _What? No. This is Katherine! What?

"_Everything you're doing to her is hurting Elena"_ For. Fuck. Sake. _"You think you two are the only ones with a witch on your side?" _Of course. Of course she has a damn witch.

"_Jeremy go check on Elena, make sure she's okay" _Stefan says _"Let's all make sure poor Elena's okay" _oh shut up Katherine, god we could have killed her. Elena. If Jeremy hadn't...I'm still trying to process this when Katherine slices her hand but thankfully Stefan grabs the stake before she can do any more damage. Unfortunately she just grabs another pointy object and I know she'll do it just to hurt Elena. To hurt us.

"_Wait" _God. Dammit. _"So. How about that moonstone?"_

Since the spell sealed Katherine in the room it means that we can't leave either which is proving to be a _tiny_ pain in the ass.

"_The three of us together just like old times. The brother who loved me too much and the one that didn't love me enough" – "and the evil slut vampire who only loved herself" – "What happened to you Damon? You used to be so sweet and polite" – "Oh that Damon died a looong time ago" _yeah that Damon died in the 50's.

Sold out by his family, abused, tortured, destroyed by humans, of all people. You think vampires are bad? Well, you never met the Augustine Society. Thankfully you never will either because I took them all out. Every last one of 'em...almost, I like to leave one family member alive, 'cause I'm twisted like that.

That man that I was...was destroyed, broken...but I think, _Elena_, I think she might be bringing pieces of him back. I think she might be saving him. Me.

"_Does Elena enjoy having both of you worship at her alter?" _oh good are we moving on because that train of thought was getting me nowhere fast. I see where Stefan may have learnt his shocking talent of deflection from though because she's as transparent as he is.

"_That was really...desperate Katherine" – "So it doesn't bother you that your brother is in love with your girlfriend?" _I'm not even going to deny it, what's the point? Why should I? But seriously she's been in town for all of what, 5 minutes? Am I really **that **obvious? Maybe I should work on my own deflection skills.

"_Oh stop it"- "Or what? You'll hurt me? Come on Stefan everything I feel, Elena feels. So go ahead. Or better yet...kiss me Damon. She'll feel that too" _not if my life depended on it darlin'. Thanks for the offer all the same though.

Stefan is trying to get information out of her but half of what he says just goes right over my head and I would **really** appreciate it if someone would come back and let us know that Elena is okay now.

"_Have I mentioned how inconvenient your obsession with me has been?" – "You and me both honey" _you and me both. _"...of course I checked in on you over the years. You were standing in the front row, dancing all night. You were watching Bon Jovi and I was watching you" _delightful. More things I _don't _need to hear. Where the hell is Bonnie?

I grab hold of Katherine again, I don't even really know why. I've been stuck in this damn room too long I guess and I can't stand being trapped, a by-product of being stuck in a fucking cell for 5 years I suppose, but Stefan's here. _"Damon don't" _right, Elena. Fuck. "_The second the spells lifted I'm gonna drive this stake right through your heart"_

Oh Christ who's this now? Must be Katherine's witch _"the spell on this room has been broken you're free to leave" _and she has the moonstone. Not a great combination.

"_Give it" _Katherine demands. Uh...please don't.

She did.

Oh, wait...something fun is happening to Katherine. _"You should have told me another witch was involved" _what's going on? Is Elena okay? _"She's a Bennett witch Katherine but I'm sure you knew that" _Katherine appears to be...not okay but...Elena.

"_Wait. Elena" _oh good finally some semblance of sense comes to my brother. _"Elena's fine" _well thank the lord for that. _"She'll heal quickly, I apologise for my involvement." _

I send Stefan off to take care of Elena while I take care of Katherine. Given the circumstances I've decided that it's much more effective to put her where she belongs. Katherine wakes up when I've safely deposited her inside.

"_Where am I?" – "Where you should have been all along, I thought you'd have learned your lesson by now, messing with a Bennett witch" – "You should have killed me" – "Death would have been too kind" _better for you to rot in here for eternity with your precious moonstone.

"_No. NO. Damon don't, Damon don't. You need me" _she starts hollering as I close the door.

"_Elena's in danger" _fuck. She had to say the **one **thing I might actually listen to. _"From who?" _of course she's lying, it's all she does, all she knows. _"Why do you think I haven't killed her?"_ truth be told I have wondered that actually. _"Because she's the doppelganger. She needs to be protected." _Well you've not done a great job of it have you love? She could have _died _tonight and it was all your fault! So let's see if I fare any better. And I will. 

"_Then I'll protect her" _and I will.

And then I shut her inside. It's a relief, to finally feel free of her. I'm sure it won't last long, something else will happen. It always does. But for now I'll enjoy it while I can.


	26. Rose

**A/N: As ever thank you all for your amazing and consistent reviews, you guys mean the world to me! And thank you to the Guests who review as I can't thank you personally. So I wanted to write Rose without getting overly mushy about it, and I hope I've done a good job but I'm sure you'll let me know. And it always bothered me that Elena never questioned how her necklace magically returned to her so I've explained that in her Diary entry today. I own nothing. On with the show!**

**Rose **

"**Can you imagine a love that is so proud?  
It never has to question why or how  
Believe, Believe  
That we are loud like love"**

I woke up to a message from Barbie asking me to come around to her house which is how I find myself learning the dynamics of how Tyler triggered the curse to become the new wolf in town. _"So Sarah attacks Tyler and he pushed her away and she tripped and fell and she hit her head" _tragic. Blondie's put the pieces together; _"I think they were both compelled by Katherine" _which makes the most logical sense but does nothing to explain **why**. Why is she so desperate for a werewolf? What the hell does she need one for?

"_Wait, did you see Tyler's eyes turn yellow?" _I mean he _did_ actually turn wolf-boy right? _"They were more of a gold...with amber highlights" _right, girls. _"Can he turn into a wolf now?" _uh yeah keep up love. "_Only on a full moon, does he know about us?" _god get off the phone and pay attention dammit.

"_I don't think he knows much of anything" _well great; let's keep it that way...but he must know _something_, Mason must have told him some things. _"All right I'll ask him" _oh no. No, no, no, no, nuh-uh. I grab hold of her _"No you won't Caroline. He cannot know about us. Bite from a werewolf can kill a vampire so don't be his friend. Do you understand me?" – "I understand" – _she's late for school, right. As long as she gets it, Caroline is important to Elena so it wouldn't do to have her become a chew toy for Mystic Falls' resident dog.

I'm about to head home when Stefan calls me in a panic, Elena is in danger, something's happened and no one know where she is...seriously this happens like...every other Tuesday around here. So I come to the school where as I said, Stefan is in a panic which, understandable until he starts babbling on about Katherine.

"_Katherine's in the tomb. Trust me I'm the one that shut her in" – "Did you?" _are you fucking kidding me right now? "_Did I __what__ Stefan?" – "Well I know the hold that Katherine has on you" _fuck you Stefan you know nothing. _"She's in the tomb. Period. End of story" _fucking hell and she **told** me that Elena needed to be protected and I said I would and I've already failed; Christ. Stefan wants to go talk to her but uh...no! She'll just force us to let her out, we'll find another way.

He walks away saying he doesn't care, _"It's Elena" _uh-huh, hmm...but...No. There **must **be another way. And then he messages to tell me that there is, in fact, another way. Bonnie is doing a locator spell so I head home for the car and some blood supplies and we're good to go.

I arrive back at the school just in time to hear Jeremy and Stefan's conversation _"I'm coming with you" – "No Jeremy you're not" – "Well you can't do this alone" _nope that he cannot. That's where I come in. _"He's not. Let's go" _like...10 minutes ago. _"You're coming with me?" _did my previous statement not make that clear? Okay let me try something a little more effective.

"_It's Elena" _

And we're off, Salvatores to the rescue. How...fitting. As Stefan and I drive in silence those words reverberate around my mind. 'It's Elena' and I realise there is nothing I won't do, for this girl I will burn cities to the ground, I will raze buildings. I will destroy the world if I need to, nothing will ever be too much and yet it will never be enough. All I really have to give her is myself, and it will never be enough.

An-y-way let's move away from _that_ topic. Stefan has been fiddling with weapons so I finally break the silence to find out what the hell it is he's playing with. "_I dunno, it's a vervain bomb or grenade launcher or somethin' like that" _oh well that sounds...nasty. Maybe could ya...put it down somewhere safe Stefan?

"_Who do you think took her?" _well isn't that the million dollar question. "_Someone from Katherine's past. She was running from someone" _a soon to be very **dead **someone.

"_Thank you. For helping me" _ooh no _"can we not do the whole road-trip bonding thing?" – "Aw come on Damon we both know that you being in this car has absolutely nothing to do with me anyway" _oof _"the elephant in the room lets out a mighty roar" – "Well it doesn't need to be an elephant you know, let's talk about it" _why? I don't **wanna** talk about it. What's the damn point? And I **definitely **don't wanna talk to Stefan about it!

"_There's nothing to talk about" – "Sure there is. Just get it out. I mean are you in this car because you wanna help your little brother save the girl he loves or is it...is it because you love her too?" _ Both? But god nope I still don't wanna talk about it.

"_Keep it up Stefan, I can step out of helping as easily as I stepped in" _yeah we both know that's a damn lie. _"Nope...you can't" _like I said, we know. It doesn't need to be vocalised, not to my brother anyway.

Stefan lets me know that we're nearly there so time to replenish my strength levels. _"I want some" – "Aw that's so sweet. Wanna be all big and strong and save your girl" _which...yeah kinda what I'm doing. _"I'm not joking, I've been drinking a little every day" _huh, that's a revelation – when'd that start?_ "Slowly increasing my intake and building up my strength" _well good plan and all but what about Elena? What's she got to say about this?

"_Elena know you're drinking blood?" _he hesitates for so long and looks deathly uncomfortable so I'm guessing the answer to that question is a resounding no.

"_I've been drinking hers" _oh. Oh...I...O-kay then..._"How. Romantic" _Shit.

Well that explains the hesitation then. I can't resist taunting Stefan about the 'old' him "_...wonder if Elena would be so quick to open her veins for that guy? Tell me; what happened to that guy? He was a __hoot__" _**Not. **God nobody wants to see Ripper Stefan back less than I do, I spent _years _cleaning up that boys messes. _"Guess he found something else to live for" _right, Elena, of course...are we there yet? 'Cause this is getting tedious.

We've finally arrived in...the middle of nowhere. _"Are you sure you wanna do this?" _I don't even know why I'm asking since I'm fairly sure his answer is the same as mine. _"Yeah I'm certain I wanna do it" _yeah that's what I thought, but just to be clear _"cause we go in that house we may not come back out" – "I can't think of a better reason to die" _well great, neither can I so let's go do this.

"_But you wanna stay here I'll totally understand" _hah, funny boy my brother.

We dart around the house, planting weapons as we go, _"up here" _he shouts, _"down here"_ Hello! Stefan goes for Elena while I grab the other girl.

"_Excuse me. To whom it may concern, you're making a great mistake if you think that you can beat me. You can't" _bit full of himself isn't he? Well, we'll see about that.

"_I want the girl on the count of 3 or heads will roll"_ please, Stefan...do your job. Protect her.

Elena. _"I'll come with you...don't hurt my friends" _please let it be a trick, let it be a trick, god I hate not **knowing **things. Stefan rolls the douche-bag down the stairs and seriously that boy _really _needs to work on his aim. My turn, I drive a coat-stand...I think...through the guy and yep. He's dead.

Next!

"_Just let her go" _Elena, oh thank god, she's fine, she's okay. I have never felt such...relief that quickly turns to bitter disappointment as she runs down the stairs and straight into my brother's arms. She mouths _'thank you' _to me and there's nothing I can do but reply _'you're welcome'_.

Yes Elena, I will be your silent defender. I will be your quiet protector. And I will stand on the sidelines and fall more hopelessly in love with you every day while you love my brother. And that will be okay, as long as you are safe, as long as you live.

I send Stefan and Elena back to the car and search the house briefly where I come across Elena's necklace, which gives me an idea. Probably a _bad_ idea that will inevitably backfire on me somewhere down the line because that's just my life; but when have I ever been known to back down from a bad idea? Elena fills us in on what she's learnt before falling asleep and I spend most of the journey home trying to talk myself out of it.

I drop them off at Elena's house and I'm back at home drinking and I've almost managed to successfully talk myself out of it when Stefan gets home. _"Where's Elena?" – "She's home, she wanted to be with Jeremy" _and just like that my bad idea is back with a vengeance. Nope. No getting away from it this time. I have one last drink and I'm ready to go when Stefan stops me.

"_Hey, I'm sorry" _what for this time? "_For being the guy who made you turn 145 years ago" _I do not want to get into this...old history now. Totally un-necessary and I got places to be and a girl to see.

"_You know I never said it out loud. I guess I just need to say it and you need to hear it. I'm sorry. What I did was selfish, I didn't wanna be alone, guess I just need my brother" _okay, well...he's said it. I've heard it, great. All done now and I get it. I understand why he did it; didn't always _like_ it very much but I get it. And now it's time to go before I lose my nerve.

Admittedly it probably _wasn't _the smartest plan to turn up slightly drunk in Elena's bedroom, because it worked out oh-so-well the last time. You see, I **knew** this was a bad idea, she's probably terrified but at least this time she won't remember. But I just need her to _know_. I just have to tell her. It feels like it's ripping me apart from the inside out, it's like a constant weight, a pressure and I need relief from it.

"_Cute PJ's" _I say when she enters the room.  
_"I'm tired Damon" _  
_"I brought you this" _I tell her holding up her necklace.

"_I just have to say something" _just once, just need to say it...just need you to hear it.

"_Why do you have to say it with my necklace" _she backs away from me a little and yup...she's definitely nervous...well I've come this far I may as well just get it done. No going back now.

"_Well, because what I'm about to say is...probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life" _and it is, because I'm doing this for myself, I have to get it out, I have to say the words out loud, they need to be acknowledged, for my own sanity...purely selfish.

"_Damon don't go there" _but I have to Elena, don't you see? I have to. And she knows, she already knows what I'm going to say, or at the very least she has an idea, but she's not trying to get away from me anymore and it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be but I have to do it.

"_No, I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it" _because I just have to know that you know that it's real.

"_I love you Elena. And it's because I love you...that I can't be selfish with you. Why you can't know this. I don't deserve you" _and I don't. I don't deserve this girl, but she should be mine. All I can do is love her, but she loves my brother.

"_But my brother does" _she looks at me as if she wants to say something; I think she's in shock but I don't give her the chance to respond. I lean in and press a kiss to her forehead.

"_God I wish you didn't have to forget this. But you do" _and I compel her before she can tell me again that she 'cares' about me, that she **loves **my saintly brother. And then I'm gone.

And I'm _actually _crying. I never cry. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done but god I feel better for having done it. Presumably she'll never remember but it doesn't matter because I know that she **knows **now, somewhere inside of her, she knows, and that is enough.

I can protect her properly now, without the constant weight on me, I will stop...I will _try _to stop fighting with my brother and we will protect Elena.

Together.

_Dear Diary,  
After the drama of everyone trying to kill Katherine at the Masquerade Ball and me getting hurt in the process all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide for a week but no...Of course I have to go and get kidnapped. Again. Apparently I'm a hot commodity these days because I'm the 'doppelganger'. _

_The people who took me are called Rose and Trevor, Trevor is dead now. Elijah killed him. Knocked his head right off in front of me which was rather...terrifying. Elijah's dead now too. Damon killed him...Damon._

_Apparently Elijah is an 'Original' whatever the heck that means, Rose said that they are the 'first family' then she told me that I am the key to breaking the curse. The moonstone binds it, the sacrifice breaks it. The sacrifice being...me. The 'blood of the doppelganger'. Me. In order to break the curse I have to die. _

_Trevor and Rose helped Katherine escape and they've been running ever since. Over 500 years. Bonnie got a message to me, 'Stefan and Damon are coming for you' and all I could think was 'thank god I'm going to be okay' then Elijah came – he ripped off my necklace. And now it's back. _

_Damon. _

_I don't know how I know this but I just __do. __I can feel it...sense it...him. It must have been him, it's the only thing that makes sense, I just don't understand why I can't remember properly. But I'm not going to confront him about it, he brought it back to me, to protect me and there must be a reason, that he wouldn't just tell me. So I won't ask him. _

_I pretended to be asleep on the drive home, all I could see in my mind was Damon's face when I came down the stairs...god...I don't think I've ever seen __anyone __look so happy to see me...and then Stefan caught me in his arms and I just...didn't know what to do so I just whispered thank you to Damon and it...it wasn't enough. It would never be enough._

_I'm not stupid...I know that Stefan could never have rescued me alone. _

_Damon risked his life to save me, just like I've done for him...but what else could I do? I know now, that...something has changed with Damon. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but something has changed and I need to find a way to let him know that I care about him too. That he means something to me as well.  
Elena_


	27. Katerina & The Sacrifice

**A/N: Thanks everyone for your lovely responses to yesterday's chapter! You guys make my day every day. Hope you enjoy The Sacrifice. I own nothing. **

**Katerina & The Sacrifice**

_Elena finds out that Klaus is after her and enlists Caroline's help in getting access to Katherine and keeping Stefan distracted.  
Elena offers Katherine blood and the Petrova book in exchange for information about Klaus which Katherine provides.  
Damon and Rose visit Slater to try and get information about Klaus, Elijah performs a fancy trick with some coins and shatters the windows.  
Elena figures out that in order to break the curse a witch is needed as well as a vampire, werewolf, moonstone and of course, herself, the doppelganger.  
Stefan comes to find Elena and confronts Katherine about her 'lies'.  
Damon vows to save Elena and Elijah uses Slater to make Damon believe he can break the curse if he gets possession of the moonstone.  
"I'll be the safest psychotic bitch in town." _

**The Sacrifice**

"**Well you forgave and I won't forget  
I'll kneel down, know my ground  
And I will wait, I will wait for you"**

After getting the information from Slater about needing the moonstone Stefan and I decide to pay a morning visit to Katherine in the tomb. I highly doubt we'll get very far but I suppose it's worth a shot.

"_Please come in" – "I'd rather poke my eyes out" – "Mmm but they're such pretty eyes" _well thanks I always thought so. _"We're here for the moonstone" _great Stefan, straight to the point. _"You get your little witch to hocus-pocus me out of here, you can have whatever you want" _yep that's pretty much how I thought this would go down. _"So here's the deal, you get me out of here, you get the moonstone and I'll disappear from Mystic Falls forever" _yeah, no. That's...not gonna work for us. Okay time for Plan B.

Our next stop: Elena's, which let me tell you, a much more pleasant place to be first thing in the morning. _"Why?" _she wants to know when Stefan asks her if we can talk to her. _"We went to see Katherine" _yeah that sums it up nicely.

"_You don't believe her do you?" _she asks when we've filled her in on the morning's events so far. _"No of course not, we just want the moonstone." _Stefan tells her that we can break the spell. _"No spell, no doppelganger sacrifice ergo you live" _all our problems solved with a pretty little bow of your choice and everything.

"_How do you guys even know this is gonna work?" – "cause we have a crafty witch on our side" _yep we've thought of everything. "_Wow I mean it sounds like you guys already have it all planned out" _yep we do. So why does she sound so...unhappy about it? Like I said, we've thought of everything. _"Yep, we're awesome." _

"_Except for one thing" _no Elena, no things...please! _"I don't want you to do it" _wait...what? **ELENA! **Why _not? _**Nothing **is going to go wrong. What's she so worried about?

"_...before or after he kills everyone that I care about including the two of you?" _O-kay. Mind-freeze, brief pause. First of all **dammit **because I _didn't_ think of everything but **much** more importantly: **I **am back on the list of people she cares about? How'd that happen? When'd that happen? Is it wrong that I'm more delighted with this piece of news than I have been at anything in...Uh...decades?

I miss the end of her conversation with Stefan but I am way past worrying about that. There was a time when Elena 'caring' for me was just...no. But now? Now I will take 'care' every fucking day for the rest of forever if that's all she has to offer.

And I get that she's concerned about Klaus killing the people in her life but it's a risk I am willing to take. We'll just kill this Klaus guy before it gets to that, we killed Elijah, and it can't be that much harder surely.

When we leave Elena's I send a message to Bonnie to get her to the house and we come up with a plan. She 'might' be able to lower the spell on the tomb long enough for us to grab the moonstone which...great, although I don't much like that 'might'.

"_You wouldn't be under-estimating her would you?" _she asks _"It's a plan. Is it perfect? What plan is?" _Jeremy says he can do it, what with the ring and all but uh...that's not gonna happen. _"Gee thanks you sixteen year old__ child__ why didn't we think of that?" _don't think it didn't cross my mind, but it was only for like, less than a second before I discarded it as one of my worst ideas _ever. _

"_Do you have anything that belongs to Katherine?" _Bonnie asks and nope, I don't. But Stefan does, her picture. I still don't know why he kept that all these years that he's claimed to 'hate' her but it looks as if his hoarding skills are going to come in useful after all.

Bonnie turns the picture into some kind of magic fairy dust or something that can _"incapacitate her for a minute or two, long enough for you to get the stone and get out" _well great! Sounds like a solid plan. What could possibly go wrong? Bonnie is being a little less...judgy these days and she's proving exceptionally useful when it comes to helping protect Elena which is all I really need her to do so I might have to come up with a new nickname for her, if she keeps it up that is.

We get to the tomb and Bonnie arrives minus baby Gilbert who is nowhere to be seen and then Rose calls me.

"_Not a good time Rose" _I'm about to rescue a moonstone from my psychotic ex girlfriend.

"_Don't be angry with me" _well that's never a good way to start a conversation "_You need to get to Richmond immediately" _why? "_Tell me" _**now. **And she does.

I don't even stop to tell Stefan, I'm just running for the car. Apparently I'm not rescuing a moonstone today; I'm rescuing a sacrificial lamb that goes by the name of Elena Gilbert instead. Fucking...silly girl. What is she _playing _at?

"_What are you doing here?" _I ask when I arrive and to say she looks shocked to see me is an understatement. I guess Rose didn't fill her in on that part. _"What are you doing here?" _hey I asked first missy. _"You called him?" _she asks Rose when she finally puts in an appearance. No matter. _"Come on. We're leaving." _Now. **Yesterday**.

"_No" – "I said we're le__aving__" – "I'm not going with you" _ooh sorry lovely but yes you are. Yes. You. Are. She's talking about choices and decisions and I am not listening and I don't care. We **need **to leave. _"You're not listening to me Damon I don't want to be saved" _well touch luck honey 'cause you're gonna be.

"_Not if it means that Klaus is gonna kill every single person that I love" _yeah but we **won't **let that happen Elena. God this girl, she drives me **nuts **sometimes. _"Get your ass out the door before I throw you over my shoulder and carry you out myself" _and I will. We are going even if she is kicking and screaming behind me the whole way home.

I grab hold of her and she tries to slap me, always with the slapping, but I catch her hand and lean _ve-ry_ close to her. It amazes me that even in moments like this, perhaps _especially _in moments like this, that fire between us still blazes and her eyes **still **flicker to my lips. Every. Time.

"_Don't ever. Do that again" _I don't mean the hitting although she probably thinks I do, but no, I can handle that. I mean the stupid idea to 'sacrifice' herself for the 'greater good'. I can't help myself, my eyes rest on her mouth for just a teensy second before I have to walk away from those eyes. Those lips, those thoughts.

Okay _"Time to go" _I've compelled Alice to forget about everything that happened and now we can finally go home, see if Stefan and Bonnie managed to retrieve the moonstone.

Or. Not.

Who the hell? _"We're here to meet the doppelganger" _God Dammit. "_Thank you for coming" _oh no you don't _"I will __break__ your arm" _I say as I push her behind me, I won't. But she doesn't need to know that. I **will **rip that pretty little necklace off of her pretty little neck and compel her to sit nice and quietly if she doesn't stop trying to fucking kill herself though.

"_There's nothing here for you" _I tell goon number 1. There are 3 of them. With Rose's help I think we can take them.

Or. Not.

Heart-snatch...hey! That's my move! Hey...that's...Elijah. Shit. How? Uh...Rose is gone, bloody typical and yeah. I'm gonna die. Fucking _hell _Elena. _"I killed you. You were dead" – "For centuries now" _ha fucking ha, you're a funny guy.

Elijah talks to the goons while I try to figure out a way to get us out of this unholy mess but honestly I'm not seeing many options. Not seeing many sharp wooden pointy objects either, no coat-stands to be seen around here. And then Elijah kills goons 1 and 3. Fabulous...I'm guessing it's my turn next then.

But if I'm going to die then I'll die trying to protect her.

Only...he leaves. He's gone. He just...left...huh? Well...that makes no sense.

So after today's escapades I'm probably back _off _of Elena's list of people that she cares about which...great. I didn't even get a full 24 hours out of that one, but it's worth it. She's home and she's safe. And I'll do whatever I have to do to keep her that way.

"_Why do you think he killed those two vampires and just let us go?" _I dunno Elena. Kinda grateful though. Also it was 3, he killed 3 vampires. _"If I had a dollar for every time some evil vampire surprised me..." _well I'd be an even richer man than I already am. I stop her from going in the house.

"_What you did today was incredibly stupid" – "Actually the only thing that was stupid was that I got caught" _god she's so feisty. Wrong reasons...but I love it all the same. _"I don't question why you and Stefan and...everyone else tries so hard to save me. You shouldn't question why I would try to save all of you." _Well we do it because we lov- _"What?" _Jeremy. What is it with this damn porch? "_It's Stefan"_

Je-sus! My brother's only gone and gotten himself stuck in the tomb with the psycho bitch. Do I **really **have to hold everybody's hand through everything?

Elena tries to run inside the tomb but I grab her just in time. _"Don't you dare"_ Katherine will eat her alive. Literally. _"Stefan's in there Damon. How could you let this happen?" _Oh that's right. Of course it's my fucking fault. It always is.

"_I was too busy saving you from your crazy kamikaze mission" _she's fighting with me and against me and it _sucks _but she is **not **getting in there.

"_Damon let go of me. Damon" _and she's battering futilely at my chest but I'm not letting go until she's calmed down and I know she needs it. She needs to get her rage, her anger, her frustrations out and I am more than willing to be her punching bag if that's what she needs me to be.

"_You done?" _I ask when she seems to have calmed a little. She moves towards the entrance one more time but I'm faster and the look on my face is obviously enough for her to reconsider and she leaves. Time to deal with my baby bro.

"_Of all the idiot plans, Stefan...I'll find a way to get you out" – "I'll handle myself. Bonnie has the moonstone. Work with her, try to figure out how to de-spell it" _well this is the best piece of news to come out of this bad, bad situation. At least we got **something** right.

"_Keep Elena away from here" – "Yeah 'cause that'll be easy!" – "Promise me. No matter what happens, you'll protect her" – "Promise" _I will protect her. I always do, somehow or another.

Now it's time to go home, I need alcohol. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

_Dear Diary,  
I found my way to let Damon know that I care about him. I had to let him know. I guess I never really stopped but I was so angry with him...anyway I wanted him to know, how I feel without being...obvious about it. And then I went to Rose to get her to take me to her friend that she and Damon visited. _

_He had information about the curse and the moonstone so I thought he could help me. I knew Damon and Stefan wouldn't stop trying to get the moonstone and breaking the curse but I can't let them do that. Klaus will kill everyone that I...everyone. _

_Only, Slater was dead, but his girlfriend Alice was there. I managed to convince her to help us. I told her Rose would turn her and she got us into the computer. I had her call someone named Cody and tell him that we were trying to send a message to Klaus. The doppelganger is alive and she's ready to surrender. I would rather die; be sacrificed over a stupid rock than let any of my friends of family be hurt...or worse. _

_And then Damon arrived. Rose called him. We were fighting and he was trying to make me leave, and then Elijah arrived and I thought...this is it...I've actually killed him, and I can't save him this time. It's what I was trying to avoid...I was so scared, not for me! For Damon. But then Elijah just...vanished. He left...I have no idea why he did that, why he let Damon live, but God I'm so grateful that he did. _

_Then when we got home, I think he understood what I was trying to tell him...but then Jeremy came and he told us that Stefan was trapped in the tomb with Katherine! Katherine! And then I tried to get into the tomb which...stupid I know but I wasn't thinking and I was just so...frustrated and angry and...defeated and I was hitting Damon and hitting and hitting and...he just...held me, and..let me do that...it's as if he knew that I needed it. How does he know? _

_How are we going to get Stefan out of the tomb? I need to get him out. _

_You know it's funny...I can't remember a time when my life was actually just...simple.  
Elena_


	28. By The Light Of The Moon & The Descent

**A/N: Hello! Sorry I've been MIA a couple of days, I needed some time to catch up. But The Descent is a long one, so bring snacks! I loved writing this episode although it was by far the hardest one to do so far. I hope I've managed to do a good job, I really wanted to show how conflicted I feel Damon was at this point in time. Let me know how I did okay? I own nothing. On with the show!**

**By The Light Of The Moon**

_Or as I like to call it: The Episode of Trickery. _

_Elena tries to steal the moonstone from Bonnie and she, Damon and Jeremy trap Elena in the house with a spell. Damon comes to visit her but has to leave when Ric informs him of the arrival of a new wolf in town, Mason's friend, Jules. _

_Bonnie enlists Luca's help in de-spelling the moonstone and he puts on a fancy show for her. Caroline helps Tyler through his first transformation. Katherine plays mind-tricks on Stefan in the tomb. Elijah tricks Jenna into inviting him into the house. _

_Elijah returns to visit Elena and they strike a deal, whereby Elena agrees to stop trying to kill herself and he will protect her friends and family and have Stefan released from the tomb. Elijah compels Katherine to stay in the tomb until he says otherwise. Stefan visits Elena upon his release from the tomb. _

_Ric and Damon try to trick Jules into drinking Wolfsbane which backfires...impressively. Damon returns home after antagonising Jules where he finds Rose waiting for him, she apologises to him before Jules breaks into the house and bites her. Damon comforts Rose and they assume the bite is healing. _

_Rose vows to stay and help Damon protect Elena and be his friend, as they become intimate they realise that the bite hasn't healed. "I don't love men who love other women."  
_

**The Descent **

"**I need to justify the reasons for the way I'm living  
I guess I can't cos I feel like I don't deserve it  
I can't take away all the shame I feel  
Forgive me"**

Let's see, Saint Stefan has been released from the tomb and is happily back in Elena's arms, Elena is acting fractionally less 'suicide-y' today which can only be a good thing, and I? Well I have a wolf to track down.

I'm bringing Rose some blood to try and keep her strength up _"I was born in 1450, that makes me 560 years old" _she tells me, _"well if you were a bottle of wine...you know if you're gonna be maudlin I'm just gonna kill you myself" _I'll find a way to fix this, I have to; but I don't really want to throw a pity-party over it. _"Drink up – blood heals" – "yeah it does feel like its working" _good let's take a look and see. And...shit. Yeah. Hmm. Blood's not really...doin' the trick. It looks...way worse.

"_How is it?" _uh..._"It...definitely...better" _shit. Oh Elena, great. She's _much _better at this sort of thing than I am. _"Right, Elena?" – "Um...it's not bad" _okay maybe she's not _that_ much better. _"Where's Stefan?" – "He left" _god dammit Stefan, today? What is that boy playing at?

"_I need you to talk to him. He's convinced he has to find Isobel" _wow...seriously? First of all, in case you hadn't noticed I've kinda got my hands full over here and second of all...my brother is the biggest idiot in town. If **I **had just been rescued by my girlfriend from the tomb I'd been shacking up in with my _crazy _**ex** girlfriend then I wouldn't let Elena out of my bed for a month – idiot!

"_No can do. I'm with Stefan on this one" _uh-huh the Isobel part I'm sort of okay with but today? Not so much. _"But if you could play nurse for a little while" – "It's not necessary" _Rose interjects but it really is. _"It is necessary. Elena's a do-gooder, it's in her nature. She just can't resist" _and I am leaving, I gotta get out of this house. And like I said, this is much more suitable fo-

"_Damon?" _god what? "_Is she gonna die?" _fucking hell Elena, yeah. _"Probably. The wolf bite caused some kind of infection that's getting worse" – "a poison?" _how the hell would I know? "_I don't know Elena I'm not an expert in the field" _thank god.

"_I'm sorry" _oh don't even..._"Death happens, we come, we go. Sooner she dies the better...it's gloomy as hell in here" _god I love this girl but sometimes I just...need to be away from her. Plus I'm still pissed as hell at her stupidity and suicidal tendencies and now I've gotten Rose bitten and...Fuck! Just, get out of the damn house Damon.

Okay moving right along then, Ric leaves a message for me letting me know that wolf-girl is in the grill so that is where I need to be.

Ah! Wolfie. Oh. Stefan. _"What are you doing here?" – "waiting for you" _of course you are. In case I..._explode, _right? _"Listen there's a lot of people here" _Jesus does he really think **so **little of me? _"Oh damn, there goes my plan to rip her s__pleen__ through her back" _seriously, what does he think I'm going to do in a room full of people?

"_Hey listen, I know you're upset about rose" _and? Let me go so I can try to fix it! _"Why does everyone think I'm upset about Rose? I'm fine. I don't know if you know this but sometimes? Vampires __die__. I'm gonna have a friendly chat with lady-wolf brother, ease up" _go on, go away and find Isobel, come up with a plan to save your girlfriend and stop annoying me.

"_Well if it isn't the one I __meant __to kill" _had to start with that didn't she? _"I'll have to get that right next time" _Not. A. Chance. _"You won't live to see another full moon...unless, unless you tell me how to cure a wolf bite. And then I won't kill you" _Lying. I'm lying. _"Promise?" _nope. Not. A. Chance. _"Yes" – "Bite me" _for fuck sake.

She goes to leave and I grab her; _"I'm not afraid of you" _uh yeah 'cause you're an **idiot**, you're stronger than me...ish..._one_ night a month, and that night just passed love. _"Then you are __very__ very stupid" – "How's your friend? Rose was that her name? Have the chills started? The __unbearable __pain?" – "If there is a cure tell me or start watching your back" – "Did I mention the dementia? It'll eat away at her brain, soon she'll be r__abid__. You want a cure? I'll tell you the only cure that exists. Take a stake and drive it through her heart" _**FUCK! **That bitch is _dead. _

Right this second though I'm more concerned with my own stupidity. Ileft _Elena _with Rose and Christ, Jules said 'dementia' and then I check my phone and I've got a message from Elena. _"It's Elena. I'm worried about Rose. I think you should come home" _well all-right then, on my way.

I get back to the house and rush in to find a terrified looking Elena brandishing a sorry ass looking stake at my chest.

"_You okay?" _silence, all right, going to go with no then. _"Where's Rose?" – "I don't know" _ah god. Elena finally manages to find her voice properly and fill me in on what's happened and once again I am cursing my own stupidity. I should never have left her alone here. We leave the house to look for Rose and then Liz calls me, apparently Rose has gone vamp-psycho on the townsfolk. Fucking fabulous.

"_What happened?" _I ask Liz when I get there _"a vampire" _yeah I got that much. I tell her to secure the area because there's some event going on...when is there ever **not** an event in this fucking town? And then I go catch up with Elena.

"_Hey, have you heard from him? Do you know what he's up to?" S_tefan, of course, honestly is that all she thinks about? **Priorities **Elena. "_Baby brother's not exactly my priority right now. Here, take this" _I give her a stake just in case _"Come on, let's go" _and lead her away, and then I hear screaming and I smell blood and...yep. Found her!

"_Rose. S__top__" _she tries to attack me but she's weak, much weaker than me right now and I easily take her down. _"Rose, Rose hey, It's Damon. It's Damon" _she seems to have regained control so I back off; we really need to get her home. This is...not good.

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" – "Come on, let's get you home" – "No I don't have a home. I haven't had a home in so long" _yeah I know the feeling, tonight though, mine will have to do. _"Oh make it stop. Please make it stop"_ oh Christ. I'm going to have to make it stop aren't I? _"I hate it make it stop" _okay. Okay I will. Home first though.

Elena and I get Rose back to the house and into my bed and she says sorry again, _"You went on a murderous rampage" _it happens to the best of us honey.

"_I'm sorry Elena" – "You shouldn't be here" _and god I don't even know which 'here' I mean. The house? This situation? My _bedroom?_ And I know she's been in here today because I can smell her **everywhere**, all around me and fucking hell because it's hard enough s_eeing _her, every room I go in, I see her and smell her but...my bedroom? That was safe.

And it's _such _a struggle because I **love **it at the same time because I'm such a fucking masochist and then Rose has to start talking about the thirst, and our need to kill, the _"pleasure it brings you afterwards" _and why now, Rose? With Elena in my bedroom for the very first time? _"Stop talking about it!" – "Damon's a lot like me" _huh? How's that then? "_He w__ants__ to care, the minute he does he runs away from it" _well that's...fairly accurate I suppose. Trust me; it's much easier being the bad guy. It's a mask I wear well, an art I have perfected. But I do care, too damn much sometimes I think. And still...not enough.

Because I am bad. Because I am the monster in the shadows "_...never forget it, what it's like to be human. It haunts me" _wow, Rose is just...bringing out the big guns tonight. And then she starts howling in pain.

"_What do we do?" _Elena asks_ "Go" – "Damon" – "Just go. I got this" _and you do not want to bear witness to this. She goes, good. That will be...easier. Rose is crying and begging me to make it stop and I will. There's nothing else I can do, there's no cure, only death.

"_Who'd have thought you'd be a nice guy?" – "I'm not nice. I'm mean. I __like __it" – "You lie" _yes. Yes I do. But it's...easier.

I give Rose a dream, last time I did this I was tormenting Stefan so this is...different. It's all rolling hills and sunshine and horses, and philosophical babbling. I, matter, apparently. "_You've built a life whether you want to admit it or not" – "there's always a choice" _and other highlights like that. After a while she tells me that the pain is gone and she's not afraid anymore, I think she's ready now. God I don't want to do this, but I have to. This is on me.

"_I'll race you to the trees" – "Well you'll lose...I'm controlling this dream, maybe I'll c__heat__" – "On the count of 3" _1. 2. I cheat. Of course I do. Because I am the bad one.

You know, this is the second time in the space of a week that I've cried. How'd **that **happen? Bloody...girls getting to me that's how. Yeah. Big bad vampire over here. Big bad monster.

I finally get home after letting Liz know I 'captured' the vampire and burying Rose's body and if it isn't Little Miss Gilbert sitting waiting for me this time. That's...unusual. _"You were supposed to leave" _yeah I am **not** good to be around right now.

"_I did. Then I came back to make sure that you're okay" _and then she hands me a drink, just what I need. _"I appreciate the gesture. I'm just glad it's over" – "You know I don't believe that" _yeah. I do. Doesn't mean I can't try and _make _you.

"_Go home Elena, get some rest. It's a whole new day tomorrow" _please I need some...time. _"Damon I'm your friend" _fuck! "_I'm __well__ aware of that" _please stop telling me. _"And a friend usually knows when their friend is hurting" _god dammit. You know, technically I wasn't actually well aware that we were 'friends' again and any other day I'd be rejoicing, but not tonight. Not this day.

"_What do you wanna hear? That I cared about Rose? That I'm __upset__? Well I __didn't __and I'm not" – "There you go, pretending to turn it off, pretending not to f__eel__. Damon you're so close don't give up" _God how does she see through me like this? Fine Elena, you want the fucking truth?

"_I feel Elena okay? And it s__ucks__"_ so fucking much. _"What sucks even more is that it was supposed to be __me__. Jules was coming after me" _there's your pretty little truth Elena. "_You feel guilty" _give the girl a fucking medal. _"That would be human of me wouldn't it Elena. I'm __not__ human. You're one to talk about giving up, that's all you've __done__ is give up. Go home, there's been enough doom, gloom and __personal__ growth for one night" _please go. Now. Ah shit she's going to cry.

"_Okay. I will" _thank you. And then she hugs me. Fuck me I love this girl. But I **can't.** And for the second time today I can't enjoy the feeling of her, I can't enjoy the love I f_inally_ feel for someone and I made her cry and I'm crying and she's got her arms around me but I can't even hold her back because it would be too damn much and she belongs to my brother and I am bad. I am the monster.

She pulls back and looks at me, her eyes straying down to my lips as ever and yet another thing in this fucked up day I can't enjoy. _"Goodnight Damon" _she says so softly and part of me doesn't want to let her go. Hell **most **of me wants to beg her to stay, just please...don't leave me. But I won't. I can't.

And that is how I find myself back to my old tricks. I am the monster, not in the shadows this time. I am the monster in the road.

"_Sir are you okay?" _Nope. Not even one little bit.

"_What happened?" _Everything. Nothing. Too much.

"_I'm...lost. Metaphorically, existentially" – "Do you need help?" _God yes, but somehow I doubt you're going to be able to give me what I need.

"_You're drunk" - "No. Well...yes...ah...um...a...little. Maybe" _No, wait. _"Please don't leave. I really do need help" _

"_I don't want any trouble" _oh god neither do I, but _"It's all I got is trouble" _it's all I know, all I've ever known.

"_Why can't I move?" _uh...because I said so?

"_Jessica I have a secret. I have a big one and I've never said it out loud" _I have **many** secrets, but of them all...this is probably the biggest. _"I mean, what's the point? It's not gonna c__hange__ anything. It's not gonna make me __good__, I mean...adopt a __puppy__" _heaven forbid I did, Saint Stefan'd probably eat the damn thing.

"_I can't __be__ what other people want me to be. What s__he__ wants me to be. This is who I am Jessica"_ the monster, the bad brother, the evil vampire. She can't love me; because I am a vampire. And I **know** how s_tupid_, how ironic that sounds given that she's with my brother and all but that girl walks on almost as tight a moral plane as he does.

And me? Well I'm _'only the bad parts'_ as Lexi once told me, I hunt humans, I kill innocent people, I prey on the weak. Don't I? I haven't killed anyone in...a very long time, at least not anyone that was 'innocent' but this is who I am...I've changed so much...she's changed me so much and it's still not enough.

So Jessica..._"Do I kill you_? _Do I not kill you?" – "Please don't"_ I want to let her go, there's a part of me that I've never felt before, that is screaming at me just to let her go. But I am a fucking vampire. I am a predator. I enjoy the hunt, the thrill, the chase, the fear. The adrenaline that courses through their bodies makes the blood taste all the sweeter and to a vampire that's as close to heaven as you get.

Or at least. It was. Until I met Elena fucking Gilbert. I don't know whether that girl has ruined me or saved me.

"_But I __have__ to Jessica. Because I'm not human. And I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the __world.__ But there's only so much hurt a man can take" _so I have to kill her. Because it doesn't matter how much I change, what Elena sees in me, what steps I take to become what she so desperately wants me to be...I will never change the fundamentals of who I am.

I am not Saint Stefan, my white knight brother and I never will be. I will never be a bunny snacking brooding pacifist, I will never be a fucking _ripper_ and I will never be good enough. So I kill her to make a point, to myself, this is who I am.

I am a vampire, not a man, I am a monster, not an angel. I kill, I torture, it's what I know, it's how I exist. I've been so hurt but I've hurt so many, done so much. And I'll keep doing it because that's who I am. It's how I exist.

But now, for the first time in my very fucking long existence of killing innocent humans on the roads, I regret it. I should have let her go. That would have been a better point to prove really. I could have let her go. And I should have. Fuck.

_Dear Diary,  
Today I helped Damon take care of Rose, the werewolf bit her...and Damon asked me to stay and look after her while he went out to try and find a cure I think. It was the first time I'd been in Damon's room, it's kinda...beautiful. I mean, it's massive. Much bigger than Stefan's, and he doesn't have very much in it. Apart from the biggest bed you've ever seen, which...kind of expected really. And he had a stack of books, classics, first editions probably. But it's just, simple, and minimal and so very...Damon. _

_Rose said I was lucky, that no one had ever loved her the way I'm loved and even though she didn't say his name...I think she was talking about Damon. She said the whole idea of family is not compatible with being a vampire but all of these things...Damon, love, family, vampires...are just...not things that I can think about right now. Maybe ever. _

_Rose accused me of giving up and said that the deal with Elijah was my easiest option but I don't see any other one. Elijah will protect my friends, my family, Klaus will die and everyone will be safe. I'm not stupid; I know he didn't say anything about __me__ but that doesn't matter. The people I love matter and if I have to die to keep them safe then so be it. It's the only way. _

_Rose said I wasn't even trying but I don't know what people want from me. Damon...I know that's why he's been angry with me, but...I won't fight back at the expense of everyone else, it's not fair. _

_Then Rose got a lot worse and sick and started hallucinating and she tried to attack me because she thought I was Katherine. I had to barricade myself in Stefan's room and I called Damon but he didn't come back, eventually I couldn't hear Rose anymore so I went back out into the house and Damon came home but Rose was gone. _

_We went and found her and brought her home and I think Damon...I think he had to kill her. I really, really didn't want to leave him but he seemed so...angry at me and he just kept telling me to go so I did. But I had to go back, I couldn't just leave him like that...I had to see him again and make sure he was okay. Which he wasn't, he just looked so sad, but he was angry at me as well, and I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to push him. I __know__ Damon would never hurt me, but I didn't want to upset him anymore than he already was so I just hugged him and then I left when he asked me to. But I really didn't want to. I wish he had asked me to stay, I wish he would just let me be there for him. I feel like...sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who really sees Damon. Who he truly is inside, hidden underneath his 'bad-ass' vampire mask. _

_When I got home Stefan was waiting for me. With John. Which is...great. Exactly the person we needed back in our lives, it's not as if he tried to kill Damon the last time he was here or anything.  
Elena _


	29. Daddy Issues & Crying Wolf

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for your wonderful response to The Descent yesterday, I'm so glad you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Again we have another summarised episode, but first Daddy Issues. Elena's diary is a little shorter in this one because she got interrupted by Stefan taking her to Caroline's house. Hope you enjoy! I own nothing. **

**Daddy Issues**

"_...deranged and violent behaviour that left..." _I'm in the shower and I can hear the news-lady talking and yep, that'd be me she's talking about. Well, partly me. Some of it was Rose. After last night's atrocious activities I've come to the conclusion that I _may _need to revert my thinking. I feel...bad about what I did to Jessica. And I was a complete dick to Elena all day, and last night, when she was only trying to help me. So I need to...rectify that.

Which was my plan until Stefan decided to fill me in on all of his nasty little details of his field trip to find Isobel. _"You brought back __John__ Gilbert? That was your big 's__ave__ Elena' move?" _and really? I mean _Isobel _I could kind of understand but Papa John Gilbert? Fuck no.

"_I went to go look for Isobel and I got John instead. He said we could help us and...we're desperate" we_ll that's true, still I don't know if we're **that** desperate _"the guy tried to barbecue me!" – "Damon, Bonnie's new witch friend is working with Elijah so we have to a__ssume__ the moonstone was never destroyed" _yeah but..._"__Elena__ is putting all her faith into some deal that she made with Elijah to keep everyone safe. I mean, do you trust Elijah?" _nope. Not one tiny bit. Don't trust Papa John Gilbert either though. "_I don't trust him, he's an Original he can't be trusted. It's not like we can just go and __kill__ him because apparently he can't d__ie__" _yeah that's...a problem.

"_Still waiting for the part where John Gilbert's the answer" – "He knew about the sacrifice, Isobel told him. He said he knew of a way to keep Elena safe" _Elena. Safe. God, fine. "_How do we do that?" _if it keeps Elena safe then I'll _try _to deal with Papa John Gilbert. _"He's not talking" _of course he's not. Big fucking surprise. _"At least not to me anyway" – "Great work Stefan, top notch. As if __**I **__didn't have enough problems" _all right then, time to pay John a visit, see if I can't get him to spill his guts. Not...literally, probably.

"_I'm sorry about Rose" – "whatever I knew the woman for...__**5**__ minutes" _and you're not sorry, don't lie. He couldn't care less about Rose. _"Well you cared about her after...__**5 **__minutes so I wonder what that means" _oh god not him too. Don't I get enough of this from Elena?

"_It means I c__are__ Stefan. It means I'm changing and evolving into a man capable of greatness. Better watch your back 'cause I may just have to go get a 'hero hairdo' of my __own__ and steal your thunder" _and your girl.

I might have been a dick about it but parts of it I actually mean. Only, not the hairdo part, I like my hair _just f_ine.

"_Where's John?" _I ask Elena as she answers the door for me. _"He's not here. He left. I dunno where he went. He just __blew __in, announced to Jenna that he's my dad" _wait, what? Jesus "_and then...took off" – "That's public knowledge now?" – "Apparently" – "Are you okay?" _stupid question Damon, obviously she's not **okay**.

"_Yeah, Jenna's heads spinning but...I'm okay" _well, no you're not. But I definitely understand the need to **not t**alk about it so moving right along. _"Did he say what he was doing here?" – "No. You know Stefan thinks that he's telling the truth about wanting to help me" _yeah well that's because my brother is an **idiot.**

"_You believe him?" – "No I don't believe it for a second" _there's my clever girl. _"I don't either" – "So what are we gonna do?" – "Kill him" – "Damon" _ha! She doesn't even sound mad this time. _"I'm joking. Okay...I'm a little serious" – "Damon!" _doesn't matter how she says it...I would do **anything **to hear this girl say my name over and over...and over again. Preferably in my...nope. No Damon. Bad thoughts. Focus.

"_I'm not gonna hurt him Elena. I'm the good guy now remember?" – "What does that mean?" _who the hell knows honey, still trying to figure that out myself. "_I'm gonna have a c__ivil __conversation with your father" – "wait I'm coming with you" _of course you are, good, this is good. I get to see one of my least favourite people in the world, accompanied by my favourite person in the world. Maybe it won't be so annoying after all.

'Lena and I find Papa John in the Grill _"we just need answers" _she says and grabs my arm _"Please don't do anything stupid" _what is it with people thinking I'm going to lose the plot in a room full of witnesses? _"Yeah but stupid's so much more f__un__" _I tease her, although that is actually kinda true.

"_Damon I mean it" _she grabs hold of me again _"All I'm asking is you try to keep it together. Be the better man" _huh. "_O-kay then" _fine Elena, for you, because all I ever do these days is for you anyway.

"_John...buddy, how ya been?" _that was nice, right? _"So John, rumour has it you know a __lot__" – "How do I know you can be trusted Damon?" _uh, you don't. And you can't, but when it comes to _Elena _and her life and keeping her safe then anyone can trust that I'll do **anything**. _"Originals can compel vampires, according to Stefan that's why Katherine is still in the tomb" _even drink vervain.

"_Only because all of the vervain had left her system, Stefan and I on the other hand...are chock full" – "you guys are drinking vervain?" _yeah...nasty habit. _"It's an acquired taste" _I light a candle, for Rose, for Jessica...for someone.

"_I don't see that magical little ring on your stitched finger so if you don't start talking I will __kill__ you...in your sleep" – "Now is that any way to convince me that you and I are on the same side? First I need to know that I can trust you Damon, that I can count on you. Then I'll talk" _Fuckery. He knows _something_ and what's his deal? **He **wants to know if he can trust **me? **The guy tried to _kill _me. Oh I need a drink.

"_So my friend wants to meet you" _Jenna, huh? _"Damon Salvatore this is..." – "I know you, the news-lady" _she was on my TV this morning...talking about...Jessica. _"Yeah, Andie Starr, nice to meet you" _yeah trust me, it's probably not. _"Can I buy you a drink Damon?" – "My glass is all full Andie thank you" _I don't really mean to be rude, and I'm normally far from rude to pretty ladies but I think I have enough to worry about with keeping the one I'm in love with alive right now.

Speaking of, _"You totally blew her off" _why does she sound vaguely...happy about that? Was she _jealous? _

"_I'm steering clear of all women at the moment" _except...you of course. _"You didn't have to be rude"_ oh but I kinda did. _"Trust me, it's in the best interest of women everywhere" _I hear her little sharp intake of breath when my eyes trace her body and yep...I need alcohol. Stop _looking _Damon. But god she's so hard to resist. And I can sense her staring at me, breathing's quicker, heartbeat's racing and her...phone. It's her phone.

"_Stefan?" _of course, wow my brother has **impeccable **timing. And we have a problem. Another. Problem.

"_Why am I just finding out about this __now__?" _I ask when she fills me in on all of the Caroline/Tyler wolf drama. _"Stefan was worried that you..." – "That what? That I would kill him? Well of course! That's what needs to happen" _and I don't know why I even bothered opening my mouth. I **already **know where this is going. _"No Damon" _yep called it. _"Not Tyler. Do whatever you need to do to get Caroline back but...just leave Tyler out of it okay?" – "Why? He's a werewolf, he needs to die. I'm willing to kill...it's a win-win"_ although the free rein to do 'whatever I need to do' **is **an appealing thought.

And...she's touching me. _"Damon please" _oooh no, not the 'please' and the eyes, and her hands on me and...god what's going on again?

"_Too many people are dead" _oh right yeah. _"You need to stop doing that" _I tell her and she immediately takes her hands off me, fuck, no put them back, I didn't mean **that. **_"Doing what?" _oh she knows, she knows fine well. She's got me well and truly wrapped around her fucking finger.

"_Assuming that I'll play the good guy because it's __you__ who's asking" s_he lets out a big huff _"Be the better man Damon"_ and that's the second time she's asked that of me today. And therein lies the problem? Can I give her what she wants? What she obviously **sees** in me? **Can **I be that man? And even if I can...fucking...John Gilbert.

"_Do you mind?" _kinda in the middle of an existential crisis here. _"What's going on?" – "Nothing"_ Elena snaps, I love Elena when she's pissed off, it's even better when it's not directed at me for a change.

"_Doesn't look like nothing" _well what the fuck does it look like? We're in the middle of a damn bathroom for Christ sake. Go **away** John. _"Well guess what __John__? Trust works both ways. Get out" – "Look we don't have time for this. We need to get Caroline back" _uh no. _"__We__ don't need to do anything. I'll take care of it" _asusual _"first dad duty – ground your daughter. Keep her here" – "I'm coming with you" _nope, gotta run, bye 'Lena. God I hope Papa John Gilbert s_omehow _manages to keep her there. I've never met anyone so prone to suicidal tendencies as Elena Gilbert. Keeping this girl alive is becoming a full time occupation.

Time to catch up with Stefan and rescue Vampire Barbie, I'll leave Tyler be which will probably turn out badly for s_omeone_ down the line but I'll do it. For Elena. God I suck. However I **do **plan to take full advantage of the 'do whatever you need to do', don't think I forgot about that.

I can hear Stefan talking to the wolf-lady when I arrive, _"My brother the peacemaker" _yeah, not gonna work this time Stef. _"Since Stefan got here before me I'm gonna let him try it his way before I resort to __my__ way...which is a little bloodier"_ please can we do it my way? Please?

"_So. Give us Caroline" – "Let go of Tyler" – "Give us Caroline. Without a full moon it's not an even fight and you know it. We will take you" – "I'm not so sure about that tough guy" _what? What's she doing? Some kind of...wolf-call? Ah shit. We appear to be...surrounded.

"_Let's start this again; give us Tyler" _well go on then wolf boy "_you heard her. __Go__. Get over there" _uh hmmm..._"Which one of you killed Mason?" – "Aah, that'd be me" – "Boys, make sure that one suffers" _hah. _"We can take 'em" _I think. Maybe. Hopefully. _"I dunno about that" _well then...have some optimism Stefan. I am **not **dying tonight. Not. A Chance. And neither is my brother.

I dart for Jules first, that bitch is mine. For Rose. Stefan's going nuts with a flame-thrower which looks fun and I get to employ my specialty, ripping out hearts. _Love _it. And then my brother is...down and I'm...fighting and...shot. Fuck. Shit no I am not okay with dying tonight.

And then the douche with the stake above my heart starts screaming. In fact, they **all **start screaming and clutching their heads which smells like witchy to me. Bonnie? Not Bonnie. _"Elijah made a promise to Elena. I'm here to see it's upheld. You need to go" _hell you don't need to tell me twice.

And once again Elena has saved my life, albeit indirectly but it still counts. I send Stefan off to take care of Blondie while I go home to have a drink or ten. Only before I indulge Papa John Gilbert arrives at the door.

"_What do you want?" – "We didn't finish our conversation" – "I'll bite" _hah, I'm hilarious. I step aside to let him in. _"I've been thinking, personal feelings aside Damon I think you and Stefan will do all you can to protect Elena" _well you'd be right. _"I agree with that statement" – "So I come bearing gifts" _he has a dagger. Some white oak ash which will apparently kill an Original. _"Where Elena's concerned, you and I are on the same side"_ well that I'd like to believe, gonna need to know a bit more about this dagger though. I'm not sure I just wanna plunge it through Elijah's heart and hope for the best. But that can be left until tomorrow.

About those drinks. Normally alcohol provides the distraction that I need, but somehow it's just not cutting it anymore so I need...a better distraction.

And she comes in the form of a beautiful woman, in my bathtub. _"I can't believe you called me. I thought I was being way too forward when I had Jenna give you my number"_ nope, apparently pushy women are my thing. _"I like a woman who knows what she wants" – "So what do you want Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome?" – "I'm not that tall" _but I may as well be honest.

"_A distraction; see the thing is Miss Sexy Reporter girl, I have a problem I need help with. It's really messing with my mind" – "Tell me about it" – "I'm in love with a woman I can never have" _I **get** that this isn't exactly normal foreplay conversation but what about my life** is** normal?

"_So why can't you have her? She's with another man?" _well...yeah _"but that's not the point. The point is I'm in love with her and it's driving me crazy. I'm not in control" _of anything. _"What you don't trust yourself around her?" _hmm _"I don't trust myself around anyone Andie" _but I **am** in control of my instincts when I'm around Elena. Her blood rushing, her heart beating, her scent...I don't lose control around her. Although...I don't lose control of that side of myself around a_nyone_ I am a master in that sense.

"_I'm bad Andie. I do things. I kill people" _and sometimes I even enjoy it. _"Don't be afraid"_ I compel her _"You're okay" _and she is. I won't hurt her. _"Why do you kill people?" _because I have to _"because I like it" _or at least...I used to. _"It's in my nature. It's who I am. But then I have to stay together to protect her and she wants me to be the 'better man' which means __**I**__ can't be who __**I **__am" _but maybe it's not **who **I am anymore.

"_Do you see the problem I'm having Andie?" – "well maybe this is who you are now. Love does that Damon, it changes us" _and yeah. That's. Exactly. It.

"_Just stop talking" _please. It's bad enough that **I** think these things without someone else actually voicing them. The fresh blood is sweet, the sex is great and Andie Starr will fill the role of 'distraction' for me perfectly while I try and sort out my messed up head.

_Dear Diary,  
I honestly can't believe that Stefan brought John back, he says he's here to protect me but I don't believe a word of it. Stefan does though for god knows what reason but at least Damon is on my side. Then John just came out and told Jenna that he's my biological father, as Damon said, apparently it's common knowledge now. _

_Damon and I went to find John at the Grill but I don't think Damon got a lot of information out of him. Or at least none that he told me. One of Jenna's friends was there, the news-lady, Andie, and she got Jenna to introduce her to Damon but he totally blew her off. _

_When she first went up to him...I was a little...I don't know, jealous? Which is...completely irrational, I have no right to be jealous but...I was, a little. And then when Damon came over to talk to me, ever since we've started being friends again all of those old...whatever they are...feelings, fleeting thoughts, looks, moments have been happening again. _

_Damon has this way of looking at me, it just makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world, that he'd be quite happy just looking at me for the rest of time and I hope to God he isn't concentrating enough that he can hear how loudly my heart is beating when he does that. And sometimes, I just can't help myself...I find myself drawn to his mouth, his lips...god I'm such a terrible person. I shouldn't even be writing this down, I shouldn't be thinking this. I love Stefan. _

_Stefan who is, safe, and who cherishes me and looks after me and loves me and who I love. Damon is just...his brother, who is undeniably attractive...that's all it is. I refuse to let it be anything more than that. Damon is my __friend. __  
Elena_

**Crying Wolf**

_The werewolves figure out that Elena is the doppelganger and that Damon has the moonstone and they use Tyler to get to Elena. _

_Elena and Stefan go to the lake house for the weekend to get away from John Gilbert. They come across a hidden room full of vampire killing weapons. Brady and Tyler arrive to take Elena and Brady shoots Stefan. He in turn, tells Tyler that to break the curse Elena has to die which he was unaware of. Elena runs from Brady and Stefan kills him. Elena and Stefan have a fight about the deal she made with Elijah as he finds out she knows she won't survive. _

_Damon shows Alaric the dagger and decides to go to the historical society lunch to meet Elijah and try to get information out of him. Elijah attacks Damon with a pencil and tells him to keep Elena safe. "I'm an Original. Show a little respect." _

_The wolves break into the Salvatore house and kill Alaric and vervain Damon then chain him to a chair to torture information out of him about the moonstone. Elijah arrives and saves Damon from the wolves, killing them all in the process. _

_Bonnie witch-roofies Luca so she can get into his mind and find out the truth about Klaus/Elijah/The sacrifice. Bonnie, Caroline and Jeremy find out that Klaus has Luca's sister in his control and that the only way to kill Klaus is after the sacrifice, "Elena has to die." Bonnie gives Damon the information she has learnt and he calls Stefan to fill him in. _

_John threatens Alaric, using Jenna against him try and get his magic ring back. Bonnie and Jeremy kiss. Tyler leaves town with Jules.  
__**"**__That's not heroic. That's tragic."__**  
**__  
_


	30. The Dinner Party & The House Guest

**A/N: I can't believe you guys – we've passed 150 reviews for this...mammoth journey that we're on and I couldn't be happier to be on it with you lot. Does that sound mushy? I don't care. Trust me if it weren't for you we would definitely not still be here because as much as I love doing this it's a whole lotta hard work! Can't believe we're over halfway through Season 2 though – all the closer to season 3. I dithered over whether or not to write The House Guest but in the end I decided to do it so I hope you enjoy it. Anyway that's enough from me! I own nothing, enjoy the show(s)**

**The Dinner Party**

_Elena and Stefan continue fighting over her choice and as she reads old family journals she discovers more about Stefan's past and the people he killed in 1864. Stefan tells Elena about how he met Lexi and how she saved him from his 'Ripper' days. "It sounds like you were Damon" – "I was worse"_

_Damon calls Stefan to fill him in on Tyler's disappearance and how he plans to kill Elijah. Damon visits Katherine in the tomb to find out if the dagger will work and Katherine manipulates Damon to make him believe that he can kill Elijah. _

_Damon throws a dinner party at his house for Elijah, with Jenna, John, Alaric and Andie and Alaric daggers Elijah after Elena finds out that a vampire cannot kill an Original without dying. They further learn that the dagger needs to remain in Elijah in order for him to stay dead._

_Elijah finds Elena at the lake house and breaks the door down with gravel and Elena stabs herself and then Elijah with the dagger, killing him again before Stefan heals her with his blood. Damon, Stefan and Elena take Elijah back to the Salvatore house and deposit him in the basement and Elena tells the brothers that she will start fighting if they agree to do things her way from now on. _

_Jeremy sets up a 'date' for him and Bonnie so she can practice her spells but Dr. Martin comes and steals her magic. Damon finds Katherine in his room, escaped from the tomb. _

"_In addition to the moonstone, the doppelganger, the lion, the witch and the wardrobe..."_

**A/N 2.0: Elena wrote her diary entry before Isobel showed up at the front door. **

**The House Guest **

"**All this time I can't believe I couldn't see  
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me"**

Hmmm, listening to Elena and my...brother is both distracting _and_ unpleasant.

"_Morning Damon" _whoa there hold up...that's **not** Elena. Fucking Katherine. I rush over and pin her to the wall.

"_What are you doing here? I told you to leave" – "what is your problem?" – "wearing her clothes, you think that's gonna work?" – "you think I'm Katherine? Why would you think that? Katherine's in the __tomb__...isn't she?" _uh not...exactly? And now I'm confused. But...no. This doppelganger is Katherine, I'm **sure **of it.

"_What the hell is going on here?" _Stefan uh ye-ah. I probably should have 'fessed up that the bitch got out last night but I **told **her to leave and I just assumed she'd have taken off the second she could. Dammit!

"_I don't know you tell me, is Katherine in the tomb or not?" _Elena/Kat demands and I just **know **it's Katherine. I can sense it.

Stefan goes rushing off to see which doppelganger is in his room and I'm not far behind. _"It's getting really easy being you" _I **knew** it! Ten points to me please.

"_What is she doing here?" _the real Elena asks. _"When we killed Elijah it broke the compulsion and freed the bitch from the tomb" _have I mentioned how awesome Elena was last night? I mean, the stabbing herself part aside, but killing Elijah? Hot.

"_I don't want you here. Get her out of here" _well I already tried that Elena; we don't exactly want her around either. _"You need me Elena. You all do" _Bull. Shit. What the hell do we need her for? _"We all want the same thing: Klaus dead" – "I don't need your help. And I don't want it" _god I love it when she's angry. And against Katherine? Perfection.

"_Then that's incredibly stupid of you...do you know where Klaus is? When he's coming? What he __looks __like?" _god I wish I could just throw her out. I mean, I could, but she'd just be able to waltz right back in again. Really need a damn human for this house.

When all the dramatics are over and Stefan and Elena leave for school I come down to the basement and I'm trying to incinerate Elijah with the flame-thrower but it's really for my own frustrations more than anything else because it's certainly doing no damage to the Original, well not to anything apart from his clothes anyway.

"_...you're wasting your time he's indestructible" _yeah thanks, I got that. I guess she's...sticking around then, which is just, fucking fantastic.

"_How do you know so much about Original vampires?" – "Spend 500 years running from one..." – "So when I told you my plan to kill Elijah why didn't you warn me I'd die if I used the dagger on him?" _I suppose technically she did. She said it was a 'suicide mission' only she didn't make it very fucking clear did she?

"_Oh there's so many rules it's all...very confusing" _liar. _"Did you know I would die?" _surely she doesn't hate me **that **much? _"Did Elijah tell you his plan? Did he have a dagger to kill Klaus with?" _ah deflection, Katherine's greatest art form.

"_Why are you still here?" – "Because you haven't forcibly removed me" _huh well...that can be arranged. I point my handy flame-thrower in her direction _"you wouldn't" _oh but I would, I really would.

"_Damon be smart, I want Klaus dead just as much as you do. __More__. If I wasn't being honest about helping I'd be long gone by now okay? You can hate me but we want the same thing. And you know I always get what I want" _dammit she's making sense and I don't like it and I just **know** at some point it's going to backfire on us but I won't kill her. Yet. Although I'm fairly confident that this is one kill Elena _wouldn't _be unhappy with me for.

"_I wanted out of the tomb. Didn't matter who paid the price. Of course I knew that you'd die" _yeah, thought as much. Selfish bitch that she is. God how did I **ever** think I was in love with this girl? How could I have been so...blind? And now I'm bloody stuck with her, great.

So I need to find the site of the witch massacre that Elijah was looking for and I'm starting my search with the journals Elena and Stefan retrieved from the lake house. _"What'cha up to?" – "None of your business" – "Are those the Gilbert journals" _maybe if I just ignore her forever she'll disappear.

"_How am I supposed to help you if you won't tell me what you're up to?" _maybe not _"can you tell me where a bunch of witches were massacred in this town a couple of centuries ago?" – "No" _thought not _"then you can't help" _I don't even know why this place is so important, what's so special about dead-witch ground? But if Elijah was searching for it then so am I.

Katherine tries to grab one of the journals but I smack her hand away and she hits me back and then I grab her. Sorry Kit-Kat but there's only one doppelganger around here that's allowed to hit me and it sure as hell ain't you. I slam her down beside the piano _"if it's any consolation I'm glad you're not dead" _yeah I am **not **in the mood for seductive Katherine. She can fuck off. I let her go.

"_Emily Bennett told me about the massacre. It was a big deal in witch folklore. When a witch dies violently they release a mystical energy marking the place of their death with power" _huh, that's intriguing. _"Elijah wanted to know the site of the massacre" – "What was he gonna do when he found it?" _that's what I would like to know. _"I don't know" _oh thank god Stefan's home.

"_What did papa witch and baby witch have to say?" _and where's Elena? I'd **much** rather see her. _"Isn't she uh...__gone__ or dead yet?" _nope unfortunately not Stef. _"For the last time I'm here to __help__. Can we skip the secrets hmm?" _I don't really care either way I just want to know what information Stefan has. _"Elijah had no weapon to kill Klaus but he believed that if a witch could channel enough power...they wouldn't need one" _ah things are starting to make more sense now; _"like the power you get from a spot marked with a hundred dead witches?" _yup, gonna need to get on journal duty. Gotta find dead-witch ground, **fast. **

Katherine and I have been reading journals for_ever_, god only knows where Stefan is...off brooding somewhere I imagine and suddenly something doesn't feel quite...right. I turn to check on Katherine but she's in the same place all day so maybe I'm just being paranoid.

"_Can I help you?" _I ask when she comes and drapes herself across the back of my couch. _"I'm bored"_ well I'm not here for your entertainment love, Katherine points out lines in the journal I'm reading related to Emily Bennett _"...took her to the same location her ancestors were burned a hundred years ago" _well great, finally something **useful **has come out of all this research.

"_You know this whole friendly, co-operative thing? I don't buy it" _she's such a little liar, I **know** she's only here because she wants something, I just haven't figured out what it is yet. _"I'm hungry" – "You're the unwanted house guest. Go feed yourself" _magically as soon as Katherine disappears, Stefan reappears, what are the chances?

"_Find anything?" _yep...I nod my head in the affirmative _"Nope" _and point to the page in the journal Katherine found, I know where the witch ground is. And then he disappears again, could he not ya' know...stick around? Help a brother out against our crazy ex?

"_Damon!" _that's me. What the hell's the problem now?

"_Katherine" _fuck...what in the...she's been...staked. How? **Who? **_What? _I pull the stake out of her, _"What happened?" _and where the hell is Stefan? _"Damon"_ she says again and looks towards Elijah and holy hell someone, or make that, _witches_ are trying to un-dagger the Original. Hell to the no! I grab my trusty flame-thrower; this thing is **really** coming in handy, and start waving it around. Finally Stefan arrives _"What are you doin'?" – "Some kind of crazy ass psychic witch attack! Get over there and do somethin' about it" _now please, on you go. Hurry.

Once I'm sure the witch attack's all done I bring Katherine some blood and drive a stake into her side for good measure. _"That's for not telling me the dagger would kill me" _I twist the stake _just _a little, _"Next time? Goes in your heart" – "Is that how you treat someone...who's trying to help you?" – "You wanna help? Start talking" _tell me what you know or get the hell out of my house.

"_I'd love to but you're not gonna like it"_ oh what's new there? I don't like **half **the things most people say to me and I don't like **most **of what Katherine says. _"Try me" – "Fine. John Gilbert and Isobel want you and Stefan out of Elena's life" _uh-huh well that's not exactly news.

"_He offered me a deal. He knew that killing Elijah would get me out of the tomb so he gave me a choice. Either I stay and help with Klaus or he kills Stefan" _wow I am going to **murder **Papa John. Slowly. And painfully.

"_But he still tried to have me killed" – "Right. That was part of the deal. I could only save one of you"_ ah I see _"So you chose Stefan" _obviously. _"Of course you did"_ I'm not surprised by this. In **any **way, but it still hurts.

"_You wanted the truth Damon. Would you rather I lie?" _maybe? It's not about Katherine; it's just a lifetime...decades of Stefan. Stefan the good, Stefan the brave, Stefan the saint, Stefan the fucking loved. It's the resounding _"It's always gonna be Stefan"_ in my head that I just can't escape no matter how damn hard I try.

Speak of the devil, Elena's in danger, Christ is it Tuesday already? The witch doctor is after her, out for revenge for his dead witch son I suppose. She's at the Grill with her friends so that is where I need to be. Now.

"_I'm coming with you" _uh no, you're not _"Wait"_ Stop. Touching. Me

"_I don't need your help. I don't want it" – "I know what we can do Damon. You have to let me do it" _all right fine, change of plan, maybe I do want her help. _These _doppelganger hijinks I can get on board with, it will protect Elena.

I fill Stefan in on the plan and he get's Elena outside, we have to get back to her house and then Katherine takes over, it's her show from now on. When Stefan lets us know the witch is dead we go inside.

"_How did you guys convince her to do this?" _Elena asks _"we didn't. It was actually her idea" – "Oh that's __not__ good" – "Nope. No that's not good at all" _I have got to try and figure out Katherine's angle here. It's not in the slightest about this 'deal' with John, she'd kill him faster than blinking before allowing herself to be trapped in a deal...so it's something else.

"_Everything's taken care of" _Stefan informs us and Katherine gives Elena her necklace back, _"this doesn't change the way I feel about you" – "I don't much like you either, if we're gonna be open and frankly I'd be happy to see you dead but if we're gonna try to take on Klaus we kinda need you to be alive so I'm not a threat to you Elena. If __any__ of you are going to believe anything, believe that" _well I don't. And I'd bet my last hundred dollars that Elena doesn't either.

Oh. For. Fuck. Sake. Can a man not just read in his bedroom in peace? And when the hell did Katherine find the time to go shopping anyway. Since she's here I decide to confront her about turning in Emily Bennett back in 1864 _"she was a loose end. I like mine tied up" _never woulda guessed that. She's figured out that I know where the witch site is but there's not a chance I'm telling her.

"_You hurt me today" – "tit for tat" – "You were mean. And very rough. And monstrous"_ I see sexy, seductive Katherine is coming back out to play. _"You deserved it" – "I __like__ this Damon" _she's ve-ry close to me.

"_Katherine" _I whisper, _"Katherine, there are six other bedrooms in this house" _and I'm holding her face and there is **nothing** there, no fire, no passion, no electricity, no spark, no connection just...nothing. Doesn't mean I can't play with her though, and I pretend I'm going to kiss her, _"go find one" _before pushing her off me. God that feels good.

She turns around in disbelief with an audible huff before stalking off and...Yeah, when I trapped her in the tomb I knew I had let her go. I felt such relief, but now I know. For sure. Katherine means nothing to me. I'll deal with her as long as I need to if it protects Elena, helps Elena, but that's all.

_Dear Diary,  
Katherine got out of the tomb after I killed Elijah because the compulsion wore off and now she is staying with Damon and Stefan. Stefan thought I was Katherine! He grabbed me and pinned me up against the wall...how can he not tell the difference? Damon seems to be able to and he's not even my boyfriend! Surely Stefan should know better by now? _

_Katherine says she wants to help but no one believes her for a second, even after tonight. Caroline, Bonnie and I had decided to have a girls night and Jenna joined us after she and Alaric broke up, we went to the Grill for dancing but then Dr. Martin came and he was trying to...I don't even know, take me or hurt me or...something. But Katherine and I switched places, Damon said it was her idea and then she said that she's not a threat to me, but I don't like it one little bit. I don't trust her at all and I know Damon doesn't either. _

_I'm not sure what Stefan thinks exactly. I think Stefan likes to believe everyone who says they want to protect me; he always tries to see the best in people, which is something I love about him. But not everyone can be trusted, and especially not Katherine. Still, he should know that better than most so hopefully he's not going to be fooled by her this time. _

_More than anything though I'm concerned about Katherine being around Damon, she has a nasty habit of getting under his skin, upsetting him and I __really__ don't want him going off the rails again. He's come so far and I __won't__ let her come in and ruin it all.  
Elena_


	31. Know Thy Enemy

**A/N: Thank you all as ever for the reviews – they make me so happy! And thanks to the guest(s) who review since I can't thank you personally. I do not own TVD, wish I owned me some Damon though. **

**Know Thy Enemy**

"**It's enough just to find love  
I was close to a fault line, heaven knows you showed up in time  
Now I feel like I'm never coming down"**

Busy day, busy day and Stefan has just informed me that Elena had a surprise visitor turn up at her house after we left last night. Isobel. _"...just showed up at the front door" – "what's she doing here?" – "I don't know that's what I'm gonna find out" _yeah, good luck with that brother.

Katherine says she doesn't want Isobel to know she's here, _"it's better if she and John not know that I stayed in town after I got out of the tomb" _well that makes...no sense. _"You made a deal with John that almost got me killed" _and I thought part of that deal was that she stay in town to help Elena?

"_What do you know?" – "I know that I want Klaus dead which puts me squarely on Team You" _yeah I still don't believe her. _"Why don't you call Alaric and let him know that his wife's just showed up on his girlfriends doorstep" _hmm o-kay, I'll get right on that Stefan. I call Ric but Elena's already beaten me to it and he's on his way over there so I get to continue on with my plans for the day.

Sabrina the teenage witch, Baby Gilbert and I are taking a field trip today. Our first stop, the dearly departed Martin witches house. _"Ye-ep. Everybody's dead" _meaning I can get in the house, ooh...nasty burnt body. _"You know we could just get another match and cremate him" – "Don't be disrespectful. Not to him" _oh fine then Bonnie, I'll bury him. What's another body to add to my continually growing list?

Bonnie wants to collect the cookbooks and she's looking for...something when I tune into her conversation _"...If I can find the spot in town where the old Salem witches were burned I can harness their energy to use when I need it" _oh well I can help out in that department. _"Great, well we'll put that on our list of things to do today: harness ancient dead witch power" – "You know where the witches were burned?" _ooh did I forget to mention that part? Silly ol' me, yes indeed I do. I wonder what's going on with Elena and Isobel; it'd be nice if my brother could keep me in the loop occasionally.

After I've buried the body Stefan finally messages me saying to meet him and Elena at the house, which I do. _"Do you really think Isobel's telling the truth that word's gotten out about the doppelganger?" _Elena asks when she's filled me in on her meeting with Isobel. I certainly hope not and I don't exactly trust Isobel but as Stefan says "_we'd be stupid to ignore the warning." _

"_You know you should just stay here" _I tell Elena, **so** much safer, _"It's better for us to keep an eye on you" _and honestly? I just feel...better when she's around.

"_What? In the house that any vampire can enter?" _hmm well Stef does have a point there. That could be an issue. _"No. Her house is safer" – Well then we'll stay there" – "So it that the plan? Neither of you let me out of your sight again?" _uh-huh, it seems as good a plan to me as any! _"Let me know when you come up with a better one" _that **doesn't** involve you killing yourself.

"_Fine. Then one of you bodyguards is gonna have to come with me to the Lockwood luncheon" _while I take huge amounts of pleasure in the fact that she's staring right at me as if she w_ants_ me to do it, and she doesn't automatically assume that it'll be Stefan...I can't.

"_That'd be me" _uh-huh, the boyfriend bodyguard. Fuck.

"_Not me. I have witch stuff to attend to with Bonnie" – "Does that mean that you're taking her to the-"_I put my fingers to my lips to shush her as I hear Katherine come in.

"_Don't get quiet on my account; if you have a plan to combat the impending vampire doom please do tell" _Nope, no plan. Nothing to see here. _"Right now all you have is a moonstone. Or so you tell me" – "No we have it" _I have it. _"Where is it?" _wouldn't you like to know _"It's in a v__ery__ safe place" – "I've been honest with you. Time to return the favour" _why does she suddenly want to know now? _"Let me be honest with you. Don't mistake the fact that we haven't set you on fire in your sleep for trust" _well that did the trick, got rid of her at least and I got a smile out of Elena, that girl desperately needs some fun. How I wish I could take her for a 5 minute time out to Georgia again.

Well it's time for phase 2 of my field trip _"Is this the spot Emily Bennett was killed too?" _Baby Gilbert asks. Why is he even here again? _"Founders thought it was poetic, burning her where the other witches burned" – "How do you know where the witches were burned?" _well Bonnie because _"I tried to save her" _I failed. I was too late.

"_Emily was just my key to getting Katherine back before I discovered what a nasty little bitch Katherine was" _I lead them up to the house that was built on the ground, henceforth known as the witches house, it's all ruined and dusty and creaky and Baby Gilbert gets a fright at something which is ironic given that he's here with...well...me.

And, I'm stuck. As in. Can't move.

"_Whatever witchy prank you're playing, don't. It's not funny" – "I'm not doing anything" – "I can't move" _and now I'm burning. Fuckery. _"My rings not working" _shit it hurts. _"Do something"_ dammit! Oh thank god.

"_I don't think the witches like you being here" _huh you coulda fooled me! At least we know it's the right place. _"I'm gonna go...wait outside" _damned judgy little things. After a while of pacing outside I try to go back in but the door slams shut in my face well, _"Screw you too, Emily" _I'll just leave them to it then, I don't suppose I really have to stand around here all day. Maybe Ric's free for a drink and we can bitch about his ex-wife.

Never mind, apparently I'm needed at the Lockwood's; Papa John is dead, if only that were a_ctually_ true. "_He'll be fine in a couple of hours" _unfortunately, I tell Carol and Liz when I arrive. Why couldn't whoever killed him have taken the damn ring off **first**?

"_Damon he's dead"_ well...only technically. I tell them as much as I can about the ring and then advise them to come up with a cover story while I take John away. I may as well just put him in the house and, great, now I have John blood on me. Lovely.

I'm cleaning up when I decide that something is not...right. And then Stefan calls me _"How'd I beat you and Elena home?" _fucking. Katherine. Bitch vervained Stefan and now Elena's missing and...so is the damn moonstone. **FUCK! **No! I _knew_ something was wrong, and she was asking about the moonstone. Jesus.

How could Stefan have let this happen? Elena being taken I mean. Wasn't that, like, his sole purpose? The point of playing bodyguard? To **prevent** Elena from being taken _again_? And now we have no idea where she is, although I do have some idea of where to start looking so that's a plus I suppose.

I go and collect Stefan and we pull up outside the nicest foreclosure in town _"swear to god if she's not here" – "Don't be such a pessimist" _hah, keep dreaming Damon. We're definitely in the right place but there's no sign of Elena or Katherine or Isobel. _"Where are they?" _fucking...how should I know? She's **your** girlfriend. **You** were supposed to keep her safe. Idiot.

We drive around in circles for what feels like forever until eventually Elena calls and we go to collect her and then she fills us in as I drive home. I guess Isobel was compelled to kill herself by Klaus. I'm not exactly sad that she's dead but I wish it hadn't happened in front of Elena. Poor girl has lost every parent she's ever had...apart from Papa John and he doesn't count for shit.

"_He knows I'm not gonna run" _Elena says to Stefan back at the house, she's talking about Klaus, yeah...unfortunately she's not gonna run. I can't tell you how many times I've considered just grabbing her and disappearing off the face of the earth. Hiding somewhere far, far away where Klaus can never find us, I'm sure she'd forgive me...eventually. I can be _ve-ry _persuasive. Sometimes I don't know why I don't just do it, but then I remember my brother, and her brother, and her friends and family and I know I can't.

"_Which is why we need to take some precautions 'cause we got played. All of us" _and I put the deed to our house in Elena's lap. We need a human for the house, Elena's human. She needs a safe place to live and with her owning the house there's no safer place, ironically enough, than with two vampires who will die to protect her.

"_What's this?" – "It's the deed to our house" – "you're __giving __me your house?" _yep, kinda hopeful she'll just move in forever, even if it is with my brother. _"Although I'll be s__uper__ pissed if you lock me out" _especially considering I'm the only who cleans the damn place.

Ooh goody, John's been resurrected, maybe not for long though. I grab him by the neck and haul him up off of the floor _"I had no idea what she was gonna do. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry" – "Damon...let him go" _aw but 'Lena. Do I have to?

"_He and I need to talk" _oh well fine then. But seriously this guy **better** watch out, just 'cause he's Elena's last remaining parent doesn't mean I won't kill him if he makes _one_ more wrong move.

Stefan and I give Elena and John some time alone and I tell Stefan that Bonnie said the spell worked. I guess she's extra powerful now, might wanna be...careful around her. _"At least somethin' went right today" _yeah...it's not been...a great day, which explains why even Stefan is drinking.

"_Hm. Katherine has no idea that Bonnie's got her powers back...and Isobel has no idea what you and Jeremy took Bonnie to do today" _I like the way this is going, Stefan hands me a drink. Thanks Stef. _"We're the only ones who know" _I **knew** I liked where this was going. _"That __literally__ makes Bonnie our secret weapon"_ well. Cheers to that brother.

_Dear Diary,  
Isobel turned up at the house last night trying to get in and I slammed the door in her face but Jenna was the one who opened the door and then she wouldn't let me explain. Alaric came by this morning so we could try and talk to her but she wouldn't listen to us and she left. Then Alaric punched John which was...so cool. _

_Stefan came round and he was on the phone with Caroline who told Matt about being a vampire which blew up in her face and then she lost him. And then John came to see me and he let Isobel into my house!_

_She claimed to be here to protect me...yeah, get in line, not that I believed her either. But she said there are rumours that the doppelganger exists and that she could take me to a safe house. I told her to get the hell out of my house. _

_Stefan and I went to the lunch at the Lockwood house to accept the donation for Jenna but while we were there Isobel killed John, I mean he was wearing the ring, but she did it to cause a distraction so that Katherine could steal my clothes and Isobel could steal...well, me. Honestly I was kind of pissed at Stefan, I thought the whole point of him and Damon being my new 'bodyguards' was to stop me from getting taken or hurt but somehow I still managed it anyway. _

_Logically I know it's not Stefan's fault, but if he hadn't gone rushing off to see dead John then it would never have happened. It's not like I can overpower Katherine myself. _

_Anyway Isobel took me to where her parents, my grandparents had erected a tombstone for her. She said that the 'human' part of her was buried there, and that she used to dream about meeting me. Then she took a phone call and apologised for being a disappointment and then she just...died. She took her necklace off and...burned to death. I couldn't do anything to stop it, but I don't think I'll ever get that image out of my head. _

_Damon and Stefan are giving me their house, it's going to be my new safe house, sometimes I wish I could just run away and never come back. I'm so tired of being the 'doppelganger', the protected one, the cherished one. And Damon, the way he looks at me, I'm sure sometimes he's just thinking about grabbing me and running, and very occasionally...I wish he would. _

_But it never lasts long; I would never do that to my friends, my family, the people I love. I know what needs to happen, what's going to happen, it won't be any other way. I told John tonight that maybe I can learn not to hate him, he is the only parent I have left and for whatever time I have left, I just want to enjoy it, or try to anyway. I need to get on with my life as much as I can while I still can.  
Elena_


	32. The Last Dance

**A/N: Okay I'm going to keep this short and sweet because this is literally the longest chapter ever! I hope you don't all get bored but so much happened! Elena's diary is much shorter, but you'll find out why and we're pretending that she wrote it while she was waiting for Elijah to wake up. Bring popcorn and enjoy the show! I own nothing. **

**The Last Dance **

"**You light up my life, you arrive and the night is alive  
We made a connection, a full on chemical reaction  
Brought by dark divine intervention  
Beneath a canopy of stars I'd shed blood for you"**

Stefan and I are hovering outside while Elena is inside taking ownership of her new house, namely, the friendly vampire house. I'm not entirely sure what would happen when a non-invited vampire is inside the house but I do know that I definitely don't really wanna find out.

"_You really think Bonnie can take on Klaus?" _I ask my brother, I mean I'd like to hope so but she's just a...baby witch and Klaus is kinda the real deal. _"She said she could channel enough witches power to kill him. Elijah thought that would work and he was an Original so..."_ hmm well that is true so _"just need to find him" _and how **does** one go about finding the oldest, strongest vampire in the world?

"_Can she do one of those witch tracking spells?" – "Nope. Not without something that belongs to Klaus" _well dammit, thought I had a good thing going for a minute there.

"_Do you think he killed her?" _Katherine. She's been missing, gone, ever since she vervained Stefan at the Lockwood's and given what we know happened to Isobel it's only logical to assume that Klaus caught up to her too. _"Probably"_ Stefan eventually replies _"It's not like she didn't have it comin'"_ even still, I can't help but feel a little sorry for the girl. She spent her whole life running from the guy only to be captured in the cursed town that pretty much started it all. _"Yeah"_ Stefan replies so quietly that if I wasn't a vampire I wouldn't hear him, I'm pretty sure he agrees with me, not that we'll ever say it out loud.

Ah wonderful, Elena's all done with Mr. Henry and we...can't get in. Right, forgot about that for a second. _"I'm sorry. I completely forgot" _don't worry 'Lena, apparently it's a common mistake.

"_Stefan, would you like to come inside my house?" _I know she's just teasing but damn if those words 'my house' don't make me feel like a kid who got all the candy. She _belongs _here, safe house or not. _"What are we 12?" _I ask when she doesn't invite me in. _"One of us is"_ oh don't be grumpy with me Elena, I didn't do anything wrong...yet. I feel like I should add that addendum from now on, because for sure it won't be long until I do something wrong.

"_If__ I let you in do you promise to obey the owner of this house?" – "No" – "Seriously Damon, my way. You promised." _Oh yeah, forgot about that too, I guess I did. _"I call the shots. No lies, no secret agendas. Remember?"_ see this is what I get for making promises I **know** damn well I can't keep. _"Yes Elena. Sure" _now let me in my damn house. _"Then please, come in"_ well thank you Little Miss Smirky. I think she's been spending too much time with me; I'm becoming a bad influence. Oh the horror.

"_Wait. Where are you going?" _going? What? Huh? _"To school" _huh? _"Huh?" _that's what I said!

"_No. No. No. We didn't create a safe house for you to leave it" – "Right...look I really appreciate what you guys are doing and I'll be able to sleep at night knowing that I'll be safe here but I'm not gonna be a prisoner" _wow this girl has a death wish a mile long.

"_You way. Elena" _well what the fuck else can I do? Short of tying her up or trapping her I'm not really seeing a lot of other options here. _"Don't worry, I'm ready. If he shows his face I can take him" _uh-huh that's not really all that reassuring, one little witch? _"The way I see it, next to Bonnie is the safest place I can be" _and they're leaving. Dammit I am really **not **okay with this, I shoot Stefan a look and apparently he feels much the same as I do, I can't go to high school. But he can. _"Wait I'm...coming" _crazy. That's what they are. All of them. Crazy.

I don't know how to continue saving someone who is desperately trying to get herself killed. It seems like every other day she comes up with a new scheme to sacrifice herself. And I _know_ it's only school but surely even she must see the stupidity in this? But again I ask, what the hell am **I** supposed to do about it? I'll just keep working quietly on the sidelines, keeping her alive. Screw promises, I'll do whatever needs to be done, whatever it takes.

And whadd'ya know? School didn't turn out to be all that safe after all. They come rushing home to tell me that Klaus compelled some girl at school to talk to Elena, let her know that he's gonna be at the Decade Dance tonight, seriously those dances should just be **banned. **

"_So we go to the dance and find him" – "Really? How are we gonna do that? We don't even know what he looks like" _oh for god sake Stefan _"Something tells me he's not gonna be 16 and pimply" – "But he could be anywhere at any time" _precisely brother, which is why we have to try and do something, we can't just sit around and wait forever.

Oh great Ric's finally arrived _"Hey I need you to put me down as a chaperone at the dance tonight. Klaus made his first move" – "Okay so we find him and then what hm? What's our plan of attack?" _great question Elena. _"Me. I'm the plan"_ Bonnie says and...Yep we're back to the part that I'm less than confident in. _"He has no idea how much power I can channel. If you can find him I can kill him"_ I like **her **confidence, I'm just not convinced I share it.

"_He is the biggest baddest vampire around" _exactly Ric, and screw Klaus for stealing my title too. _"Alaric has a point, I mean what if he..."_ I rush towards Bonnie and then I'm flying, through the air and I'm crashing and t_hat_ was both painful and undignified. However it does do a lot to boost my confidence in Sabrina so it's not all bad.

"_Well I'm impressed" _yeah yeah Stef we're all fucking impressed. _"It doesn't matter if he's an Original. I can take down anyone who comes at me. I can kill him Elena, I know I can" _great well now that we've settled that we can go get ready for another fun-filled Decade Dance. Wonder if I'll actually get to dance with Elena at this one.

"_...Twiggy or sexy hippie?" _I hear Elena ask Stefan and although I can't s_ee_ through walls I vote sexy hippie every time. I'm ready to go so I'm leisurely hovering outside Stefan's bedroom, _"I love you" – "I want you to tell me that when the night is over" _please meet my brother, the village idiot. When Elena tells you she **loves** you, you say it back. Every time.

"_Anytime tonight" _hi! Sorry to ruin the moment, only...I'm not. At all. We got a dance to go to and an Original to kill and they're not even dressed so come on, let's get going people.

And she went for sexy hippie. Yes! I think I look pretty damn sexy myself, what a pair we make, only, we don't. Yeah. _Suck_s to be me.

"_...I can't just let you get yourself killed" _huh? What's this now? Baby Gilbert is talking to the witch _"just because a bunch of dead witches gave me a warning doesn't mean I'm gonna die" _oh...dear. Hmmm this can't be good. _"So you're saying there's a 50-50 shot you won't?" _I do not much like those odds. _"I'm empowered Jeremy, I can do this. I know I can. I'm strong enough" _lying. I'm pre-tty sure she's lying. Time to make myself known and I walk out where she can see me _"Damon" _ye-ep _"Evenin'" _yeah, heard every word love.

"_This is for Elena...from Klaus" _oh man you gotta be kidding me. This is dedicated my ass. _"That was a lame cheap shot" _what a creep "_he's trying to bait us" – "I know everyone here" – "maybe he's not here" _oh he's here Stefan, or he will be. I'm sure of it. _"It's a party people, __blend__" _Bonnie gets the hint and drags Baby Gilbert off to dance and I spot Ric in the crowd. _"I'll be back" _I tell Stefan and Elena.

"_Special dedication huh? This guy's a little twisted" _twisted? Really Ric, have you met me? _"I'm not impressed" _creepy? Yes. Twisted? No. _"Let me know if you see anything outta whack"_ I tell him and start taking a little stroll through the crowd. I'm approaching Stefan and Elena when he indicates for me to dance with her.

Why yes Stefan, I'd _love _to dance with your girlfriend. It's been a while since we did that after all. I catch her hand and pull her in close to me and I **love** that little gasp when she realises it's me.

"_How you doin'?" – "Umm...freaking out a bit" _aw 'Lena come on, it's a dance honey, lighten up. _"You?" _I show off my non-fancy dance moves to see if I can't cheer her up a bit _"cool as a cucumber. Come __on__ remember the last Decade Dance? The vampires were all 'aaargh' and you were all 'aaah'" _yes! I got her to laugh. Good work Salvatore.

"_Right. And...we won" _yes we did honey. I grab her wrists and pull her hands to my chest and god I love touching her. _"__Yes.__ We did"_ and we will again. I spin her out and back into me and I r_elish_ in that breathy little moan and her eyes, oh her eyes on my mouth again. How I wish she would just do it. Screw Stefan, screw Klaus, screw everything. Just fucking kiss me, god knows I know you want to Elena.

"_You're good at this"_ she says instead _"I've got moves you've never seen" _I say into her ear before spinning her back out again before I do something **really stupid** because no matter how much her eyes lit up with lust at that comment, she shuts it all down again like I've seen her do a million times before and tonight is definitely not the night to push her. But it makes me so happy to see her laughing and smiling, and even happier to know that I'm the one who made it happen.

I leave Elena in a much better mood than I found her in and go cut in on Jeremy and Bonnie's dance.

She knows I heard them talking and she says it's all true. Even the part about having a 50-50 shot of surviving. _"So you'd lay it all out on the line for Elena? No matter what?" – "No matter what" _damn I knew there was a reason I kinda liked this girl. Sometimes. Occasionally. _"Good" – "You can't tell her" _who me? Of course I'm not gonna tell her.

"_All that power...is there no way to increase your odds?" – "Careful Damon, I might start to think you actually care" _hey now I have a list. A very small list, granted, and most people on it happen to be people Elena loves but it's a list all the same. _"We wouldn't want that" _I say instead.

I am having a _great_ time at this dance. Best one so far for sure, although the chosen decade isn't one of my favourites. The sixties fucking sucked for me. I flipped the switch at the end of the fifties and most of the sixties is just...a blur these days. Nameless faces, New York, I was definitely there...anyway the point is that maybe tonight w_on't _be an epic fuck up after all.

"_I need to talk to you" _oh crap she's using her angry voice. I spoke too soon. Elena's cornered Bonnie and Stefan's coming for me looking beyond pissed which can only mean one thing. Cat's outta the bag, well great. _"C'mere. Come here" _let go of me Stefan _"Please tell me you didn't know that Bonnie was on a suicide mission" f_ucking Jeremy Gilbert, god _"and of course you told Elena" – "Yeah I told her. You __promised__ her no more secrets" _well what do you know? I lied. "_I changed my __mind__" _god it's not like I'm trying to keep your girlfriend **alive **over here. But of course Stefan has to be more concerned with _promises_ and _choices_ than **saving **her.

Okay it's time to find Baby Gilbert, I need to have a word with him about his inability to keep secrets that will save his sister's fucking life. _"Hey idiots" _some stupid kids are attacking him and then they turn on us. God-dammit I l_iked_ this shirt. _"Let me guess. Klaus says hi" _I dart for one of the kids with the wood I've pulled out of my shoulder _"No no don't kill him. He's compelled" _and? _"The whole thing's a distraction, go find Bonnie and Elena" _Elena. Shit. Where is she?

It doesn't take me long to find her, Elena is...unique, I could find that girl anywhere. "_What happened?" – "Klaus...Klaus is in Alaric's body" _you what? Huh? That's...not good. "_He's possessing it or something" – "Go find Stefan. Now" _I tell Elena.

"_Can you kill him?" _I ask Bonnie when Elena runs off _"He's got some kind of protection spell on him" – "you have the power of 100 witches. __Break __it" – "I'm trying but if I kill A__laric__ he'll just possess someone else" _oh Fuckery! _"He knows I have my power Damon. He's trying to kill me" – "No. Klaus does not get to win tonight. No way. You still willing to do whatever it takes to kill him?" _she nods. Good because I have a diabolical plan that Elena's sure to hate me for but at least she'll be alive to hate me. Klaus wants a dead witch? Well then a dead witch he will get.

I give Bonnie the details of my idea and even though she doesn't like not being able to tell Elena she understands and more importantly, she agrees. So she goes running off after Alaric/Klaus while I wait for Elena and Stefan.

"_There you are" – "What are you doing? Where's Bonnie?" _god I hate this, don't wanna do it but I have to. I despise lying to Elena. _"She's doin' what she has to do" – "Where is she?" – "Stefan. Let her do this" – "Dammit Damon where __is__ she?" _wow, who knew my brother cared about the witch so much? They go running off in the direction of Bonnie and now I just have to hope everything goes to plan. Then I hear Elena scream, so I guess it worked.

Oh god _"Stefan get Elena out of here" _now please, otherwise I wont...I can't deal with her crying. _"I'll deal with the body" – "What do you mean d__eal__ with it?" _pull it together Damon, just a little longer. "_Sherriff can't know about this. Last thing we need's another mysterious death" – "This is Bonnie!" _oh Elena. _"Get her home. __Now.__ So I can clean this __up__" _all of it. _"No. No. Oh my god. Jeremy. What about Jeremy?" _Elena wails as Stefan takes her away. _"I'll find him" _I know Bonnie isn't dead-dead but it's still kinda sad to see her laying there like this.

Jeremy catches up to me at the car _"Damon where's Elena? Where's Bonnie?" – "we need to have a little talk" _now get in the car so I can tell you the truth. I hate being all cryptic but you never know who has been compelled around this place, or whether or not Alaric/Klaus is still hanging around.

I get home to face the wrath of Elena after dropping Baby Gilbert and Bonnie off at the witch house. _"What did you do to her?" – "Please calm her down" – "Don't talk like I'm not standing right in front of you" _but Elena it's so much easier, I **hate** that I made you cry. _"Please. Calm. Down" – "You knew didn't you? You knew that if she harnessed all that power she would die, didn't you?" _and she's not...calming down.

"_Yes. Yes I knew"_ she growls, wow she actually fucking growled at me and then she slaps me across the face. Again. Damn but she's sexy, even when she's crying. That one even hurt a bit and it crosses my mind that this girl would make a fucking beautiful vampire. But there are much more important things to discuss at hand.

"_You need to listen to me. And __prepare__ for what I'm about to say. Bonnie had to die, Klaus using Alaric's body was a total surprise. She wasn't prepared for that and he wasn't gonna stop and we weren't gonna be able to stop him until he knew she was d__ead__" _she's looking at me with all those tears in her eyes but she looks so hopeful at the same time and I'm so fucking happy that for a change, I can make it better. _"He had to __believe__ it. She cast a spell. Bonnie's okay" _and so are you, and that's all that matters to me.

Stefan catches up to me as I'm heading for my room _"You could have told me" _um...no I couldn't! _"How do I know when you're gonna go blabbing things to your girlfriend" – "You understand what you put her through?" _yes Stefan I fucking understand. Don't think I don't hate myself for it but it had to be done.

"_See that's why I didn't tell you 'cause you would never have been able to do it. Don't get me wrong Stefan I don't mind being the bad guy. I'll make __all__ the life and death decisions while you're busy worrying about collateral damage. I'll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day? __I'll __be the one to keep her alive" _so screw you Stefan because I have the strength to admit that I'm not a good guy, I don't do the 'right' thing but I love her so damn much and I want her to live so I don't care. I want her safe and I'll do whatever the fuck it takes to keep her that way. We don't live in a black and white world; we live in the shades of grey, the line between right and wrong, and the shadows. We all do, I'm just the only one who'll fucking admit it.

There appears to be an Elena Gilbert in my room _"Look. Klaus had to think she was dead. Your reaction had to be real" _and there was **no** time _"I understand why you did what you did" _she does? What the hell's she doing in here then? "_Klaus was fooled and Bonnie's alive" _yep all's well that ends well. _"Here's to duplicity" _I..think. Still unsure of why she's here though.

"_But let's get one thing straight Damon" _okay here it comes _"Bonnie will not die for me, I will __not__ let that happen" – "We need to kill Klaus Elena, real Klaus, who will probably be coming to pay you a visit soon now that he knows Bonnie's dead. She's the only one who can do it" _and I'm sorry about that, really I am. Because Elena loves her, but I love Elena, and no witch is worth her life. _"We'll find another way" _she says as she walks even closer to me _"I hope so" _and I do. I don't think we will, but I hope we can.

"_Look I shouldn't have hit you" _oh Elena I do not care about that at all _"apology accepted" _and I'm going to say it. Well, not **that** but something equally damning I'm sure.

"_Let me be clear about something. If it comes down to you and the witch again I will gladly let Bonnie die. I will always. Choose. You" _you see? There's no compelling _that___away and I don't care about promises. Choices. Decisions. Witches. Collateral damage. Originals. Brothers. Nothing. I care. About Elena. And her life. That's it. Every time, over everybody, and I would gladly tell her that every day if she'd give me half a fucking chance.

And I've rendered her speechless. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Then she just nods, well good, I'm glad she gets it. _"Goodnight Damon" _she whispers at me _"Goodnight"_ god I'm so screwed, so in love with this girl. How did I let this happen? Although truth be told I'm not sure I had any control over it whatsoever. I think I was lost for her the second I met her.

As she turns to go she seems to get...distracted by my bed and she glances at it and then at me a couple of times before walking away, and then she turns back a_gain_ at the door to look at me one last time and god what I'd give to know what she's thinking right now. Unfortunately it's also got me thinking about her in my bed and that's not...good so I make a phone call to my lovely distraction.

_Dear Diary,  
A lot has happened today but I can only really think about what happened in the last ten minutes. I can't get Damon's words out of my head. It's like they're playing on a loop over and over and over again. 'I will always. Choose. You' that's what he said. And I didn't even know what to say, I've never heard him speak so passionately, I think he put everything he felt into every word he said and I knew there was no use fighting him on it. _

_I think I've finally accepted that Damon cares for me above and beyond anyone else, but...it made that...those feelings I have for him come rushing up again. And the same thing happened at the dance tonight, there was a Decade Dance and I danced with Damon and for a few minutes I thought I was losing my mind, I wanted to kiss him so damn much and I was even __jealous__ when he was dancing with Bonnie, what is wrong with me?...I am a really terrible person. He made me feel so much better; he's the only one who managed to cheer me up. But god he's so damn infuriating as well, I've never met someone who can make me feel so many emotions in such a short space of time. _

_And I can't handle it...I'm only 17 years old, I have no idea about the things that I'm feeling, I don't even know how long I'm going to be alive for let alone trying to sort out __Damon__ and whatever the hell is going on between us but I do know that his words, they touched something deep inside of me. Because I know they came from somewhere deep inside of him.  
Elena_


	33. Klaus

**A/N: Hello lovely folks, hello new readers as well – do leave a note and say hi. Always nice to hear from people. Thanks for the wicked response to the Last Dance, glad you all seemed to enjoy it. This one is a little heavy on the plot but...kinda needed to be done. Hope you enjoy it anyway. I own nothing. **

**Klaus **

"**I just need this to be all right  
I might breakdown in front of you  
If you need me I'll be here  
Half unconscious to escape my fear"**

"_Elena" _my brother is hollering _"Have you seen Elena?"_ he asks Andie, bloody hell she's your girlfriend Stefan maybe you should try keeping a better eye on her.

"_Where's Elena?" _he asks me _"I dunno Stefan she's your girlfriend, mine's right here" _yeah I got Andie round last night. I needed to take my mind off of things after the whole 'I will always choose you' and Elena's ever wandering eyes.

Stefan's pacing and brooding is beginning to make me antsy and then he goes rushing down to the basement. Tell me she didn't, please god tell me she didn't. Oh but she did. Fuck! Where _is_ she? God dammit Elena and she told me she'd find another way. I **knew** there was something wrong last night I just didn't think she'd un-dagger fucking _Elijah_. Don't we have enough Originals to deal with already?

Stefan's been calling and calling and finally she answers _"Where are you? You okay?" – "Yes I'm fine" – "Where's Elijah?"- "He's right here" _crazy, the girl is certifiably insane. _"Where? I'm on my way"_ yeah I somehow doubt she's gonna tell you Stef. _"No Stefan. Elijah and I need some time alone"_ she babbles on about nobility and honour and god I want to _wring_ her pretty little neck right now. _"It's my decision Stefan please respect it, and make sure Damon doesn't do anything stupid" _Me? Stupid? Never. She's the one who un-daggered a fucking Original.

"_Did she just hang up on you?" – "She did" – "She's lost it" _completely. Lost. The. Plot. "_If anyone can get him to help us kill Klaus it's her"_ oh god don't you start. _"Bonnie's the way to kill Klaus Stefan, he thinks she's dead we have a chance with her" – "She'll kill herself in the process. Elena's looking for another way" _yeah I **got** that but the other way is not bloody Elijah! _"__Her__ way is gonna get her killed"_ okay I've had enough of this; I'm going to find her and bring her home.

"_We need to find her and stop her" – "No no you need to back off" – "What?" – "Look I don't like this any more than you do but we need to trust her, we gotta just let her do her thing"_ I'm sorry her **thing?** Are you fucking kidding me right now Stefan? _"That might be your plan. Mine's better" _and I'm seriously starting to reconsider my idea just to grab her and run the hell away.

Stefan grabs my arm as I'm walking away and damn he is pissing me off right now. _"I said back off"_ fucking hell. Breathe Damon. Okay, realistically Elijah is probably _not_ going to kill Elena. He still needs her. Stefan **the boyfriend** is telling me to back off so...I need to come up with a Plan B.

I'm drinking bourbon because, well it's me but more importantly I'm trying to take the edge off the desire I have to re-acquaint my knuckles with my brothers face when he walks in having a phone conversation with Jenna. She's come home and wants to know what's going on. Stefan says he'll go over and explain everything and that works out quite well for me.

"_You know I'd love to lend you a hand but you wouldn't want me to do anything __stupid__" – "You seriously gonna be like this?" – "You and your girlfriend are callin' the shots. I'm just...__backin' off__ Stefan"_ and he's gone.

Honestly that boy is a useless vampire; he didn't even notice Andie was here. "_Hi. Let's go" – "Where are we going?" – "Splitting from the team, going rogue. Come on" _we are paying a little visit to Katherine. If she's still alive that is but given what we know about Klaus and what Klaus knows about us I have a sneaky suspicion that she is.

"_I don't think this is a good idea" _well of course it's not a good idea honey but it's the only one I've got at the moment. No one answers the door so I open it, I might not be able to get inside but I can do that at least. And yep, there's Katherine, still alive and kicking...sort of.

"_Thank god" _well that's unusual, she must be really starved for company. _"Wow" _Andie says as she walks right on in. Crazy lady, let's hope Katherine's not starved for something _else_ as well.

"_You were right she looks __exactly __like Elena" _well...yeah, if Elena looked like an evil slut. _"Thought you might be dead" – "Unfortunately not" – "What are you doing here?" – "We are here to rescue you" _well that's not...entirely true. _"No sweetie we are here to see if she d__eserves__ to be rescued_" which let's face it is unlikely.

I wave the little bottle of vervain I brought with me at her _"Is that...?" – "Vervain, your salvation?" – "It's not gonna undo anything" _yeah I figured, he's compelled her to stay here until he says otherwise. _"Drink this and it'll prevent any further compulsion" – "Give it to me!" _demanding little thing isn't she? Just like another pretty little doppelganger I know.

"_Answer one question first. You double crossed us with Isobel, why?" – "I didn't think you could stand a chance against Klaus. I was looking out for myself"_ of course, well at least we know that's the truth "_and where'd that get you?" _I toss her the vervain, the fact that there are vampires who can compel other vampires totally **sucks** _"You owe me. I __will __collect"_ see ya later Katherine. Don't think I did that out of the kindness of my heart; no I'm taking a page of out the Katherine Pierce playbook because there will come a time when we need something from her and it's never a bad thing to have Katherine owe you something.

Stefan is hovering outside the living room listening to Elena explain everything to Jenna and he looks like he's going to have a nervous breakdown. Plus he's got that guilty look on his face; you know the one, like it's all his fault, our fault for coming back here, for getting involved in Elena's life. What he fails to realise or accept is that this would have happened anyway. She's the doppelganger and eventually Klaus would have found her or Katherine would have come for her. At least this way, with us around, we can keep her alive. Which is precisely why I try to stop her.

"_I have to go back to Elijah" – "What? No, no" – "Stefan I promised him that I would return. I can't break that promise" _have I mentioned that I don't care much about breaking promises?

"_Where do you think you're going?" – "Back to Elijah" _I speed up and stand in front of her _"No." – "Get out of my way Damon" – "You so much as try and take a s__tep__ out of this house" _I don't know what I'll do but I guarantee no one will like it.

"_Easy Damon" – "Stay out of this Andie" – "Let her go" _oh shut up Stefan, clearly you don't even care about keeping our girl safe. _"You kidding me? We just got her back" _Stefan slams his hand down on my arm, the one that's currently attached to Elena. What? Like I said we just got her back, sue me for wanting to touch her.

"_You heard me. I said let her go" – "That's twice today you've stood in my way. I wouldn't try a third" _god I could _kill_ him right now, but I have to let her go. I hate it. So much.

"_You don't have to be so mad at your brother..." _yes I do Andie, I really do because he's a foolish **dick** _"Go please" – "I know you're worried about her too" – "__Andie__. Go" _I really...am not the best person to be around right now.

Oh great here comes Saint Stefan. Peace. I just want peace and quiet. _"Tired of your little plaything already?" _well apparently I'm not going to get any. _"Don't start with me Stefan" _honestly you'd think he would know better than to antagonise me when I'm already dangerously close to the edge. _"She's just my distraction" – "She's a person. You're victimising her" _oh fuck you Stefan you know nothing.

Andie is not a fucking victim, she knows exactly who and what I am. I didn't take away her free will; she's been compelled not to tell anyone that I'm a vampire. Everything else is her fucking choice. She's here because she wants to be.

"_You should be __thankful__ she's here. It keeps me from going for what I r__eally__ want" _Elena. _"You're right" _I almost always am _"Thank you for being in love with my girlfriend" – "And there is it" _put into real words. _"There it is" _I sense a fight brewing. It's just that kind of atmosphere.

"_You know you can be in love with Elena all you want if it means you'll protect her" _huh? Um...is it not kinda clear that that's what I've been **trying **to do all this fucking time? "_But I have the one thing that you never will" – "Oh yeah? What's that?" – "Her respect"_

I punch him so hard he goes flying into the wall and destroys my bookcase but I've wanted to do that all day. Fuck him for saying that. Fuck me for thinking it might be true. He comes at me but he forgets that I'm a little bit older and a little bit stronger than he is, especially considering his fucked up diet.

"_Stop!__" _Elena. Shit. And...Elijah. Great. _"Now you've invited him in?" – "Elijah and I have renewed the terms of our deal" _fabulous does that mean he's _not_ gonna kill me in my sleep then? _"Really?" – "The two of you will come to no harm at my hands. I only ask for one thing in return"_ of course. _"What?" _my firstborn son? Hah! _"An apology" – "A what?" _you have got to be kidding me. Not. A. Chance.

"_I'm sorry for the part that I played in your death. I was protecting Elena. I will always protect Elena" _fucking Stefan. Stefan the good, Stefan the saint. They both look at me in anticipation but I just shake my head, I'm honestly disgusted at the whole situation and it will be a cold day in hell before **I** apologise for protecting Elena. I will _never_ apologise for trying to keep her safe, for trying to keep her alive.

"_Sacrifice is going to happen Damon. Bonnie will be able to kill Klaus without hurting herself and Elijah knows how to save my life" _well I don't believe **that **for a second _"I told you I'd find another way and I did" – "Is that true?" – "It is" _and I still don't believe it.

"_And you're trusting him?" – "I am" – "You can all go to hell."_

Oh fucking...Andie is still here. Half naked in my bedroom. _"I thought I told you to leave" – "You didn't compel me" _fuck this is...not good.

"_I __want__ to be here. Just let me be here" _but I **can't** _"I am upset. And you __know__ what happens when I'm upset. You have to leave" _please I can't do this.

"_No. You need to know that somebody cares about you. I care about you Damon" _oh stop it. Please stop it. I can't take any more people telling me that they fucking _care_ about me. I tear into her throat in a none too gentle manner that's far removed from my style and I drink but she's screaming and thrashing and this is **Andie** and god what am I doing?

No. No. God no. "_Hey look at me. Get out of here" _I compel her this time, I won't hurt her, I don't **want **to hurt her _"__before__ I kill you. Just go. Go. __NOW__" _she turns back at the door to look at me and I feel like the worst kind of person right now.

But I let her go. That has to count for something right?

_Dear Diary,  
Last night I told Damon that we would find another way and I did. I had to; my friends will not die for me. That defeats the whole purpose of me sacrificing myself. So I took the dagger out of Elijah. I gave it to him to prove that he could trust me and then I left with him so we could talk. _

_He told me that Klaus is his __brother__, apparently there are a whole family of Originals, he said they are the oldest vampires in the world, the Original family and that from them all vampires were created. And then he told me that the Sun and the Moon Curse is fake, it's actually just a curse placed on Klaus. _

_Then Stefan called to tell me that Klaus/Ric had a confrontation with Jenna, I had to go to her and I had to tell her everything. It was so awful and she looked...betrayed. I feel terrible about it and I __know__ I should have told her sooner, I was just trying to protect her. _

_Damon tried to stop me from going back to Elijah, I understand why he did it and I don't like making him angry but he has to learn to let me make my own decisions. Damon is normally so good at letting me do things my way and I __know__ he's trying to protect me, save me but I had to go back. We needed information. _

_Elijah explained that Klaus was born to a werewolf father so he's actually a hybrid and when he was turned a curse was placed on him to make his werewolf side dormant and now he wants to break it. The dagger won't kill him, only a witch can. Elijah said he can kill Klaus without Bonnie dying and that he found a way to save the doppelganger. Me. He found a way to save Katherine, an elixir that the witches created the first time round. I think Elijah loved Katherine. I know there's no guarantee that it will work but it's...hope. It's a chance. _

_Damon wouldn't apologise to Elijah, he and Stefan were fighting when we came home although I don't know what they were fighting about. I didn't really expect him to apologise, Damon doesn't really do apologies. I just...hope he's okay. I know he's upset and angry because the sacrifice is going to go ahead but I think more than anything he's just scared. But I can't do anything to make it better for him. We just have to trust in the elixir and Elijah.  
Elena_


	34. The Last Day

**A/N: No Elena's Diary in this one unfortunately due to being taken by Klaus. Another long one so don't forget to bring your popcorn – I'd take it for granted that the next few chapters are going to be long ones! Enjoy the Last Day, I own nothing.  
P.S – While I remember, I wrote 1 chapter that's non-canon to try and sort of...bridge the gap between Season 2 & 3...if you're interested in reading it then let me know in your review, otherwise I'll just continue right on to Season 3 it's up to you lot so don't forget to let me know. **

**The Last Day **

"**I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you  
Oh I don't love you but I always will"**

I do not like today. I do not like today at all. In fact I would quite like to stay in bed all day and ignore everything and everyone but of course I can't. Elijah's words bring everything painfully into focus _"tonight is the full moon. We should assume that Klaus is prepared to break the curse" _ah fuck. I suppose I better get up and save the day then. Save our girl.

"_Why are we letting him break the curse? We could kill him today with __Bonnie"__ – "No. Bonnie can't use that much power without dying"_oh for heaven's sake honey when are you going to get that I don't **care **about the witch? _"I'll write her a great eulogy" – "It's not an option Damon" _oh but **you** dying is? I think not.

"_All right, how do we break this curse?" _Stefan asks and Elijah explains the minute details of how the stupid ritual works and I don't care. All I care about is the part where Elena lives.

"_Klaus must drink the blood of the doppelganger to the point of your death" _Nope. Nope. Nope.

"_And that's where you come in" – "It's an elixir that I acquired some 500 years ago for Katerina it...possesses mystical properties of...resurrection" _Nope. Nope. Nope. I do **not **trust this thing. Or him for that matter.

"_That's your plan? A magical witch potion with no expiration date?" _how can they possible believe that a **drink** will bring her back to life? This isn't fucking Alice in Wonderland folks.

"_What if it doesn't work Elena?" – "Then I guess I'll just be dead" _Oh. My. God. She did **not** just say that. _"Wha-" _ I look to Stefan for some help here and he...shrugs. He just fucking shrugs. Yep. Really should have just stayed in bed this morning. Does he not love her at all? What the fuck is **wrong **with him? Screw this. Screw them.

You want to know what I just figured out? Stefan does, in fact, love Elena but it's nowhere near the way I love her. In fact it's so far removed from how **much **I love her that it's almost fucking laughable. If it were a laughing matter that is, which it's not. If he can sit there calmly and accept her almost certain death then there is something fucking wrong with that boy.

If he loved her even a fraction of how much I love her then there is **nothing **he wouldn't do. And I realise now that I was wrong, when I compelled her to forget that I loved her, I told her that my brother deserved her and man was I wrong. He doesn't fucking deserve her, he doesn't fucking love her properly. He can't see what's standing right in front of him.

I'm not saying **I **deserve her either but when I get her through the other side of this damn sacrifice and I **will**, some way or another, I'm going to start fighting for her. I backed off because I thought Stefan deserved her. Well not anymore. I'm done.

I'm standing outside contemplating these things when Stefan comes to annoy me _"breakfast of champions huh?" _he asks referring to my bourbon _"I'm surrounded by idiots, need all the help I can get" _him being the biggest idiot of them all.

"_You know you're not helping" – "Elijah's an Original vampire Stefan, one we tried to __kill__, you can't believe this guy" – "What do you want me to do Damon?" _well let me tell you Stefan I want you to fucking fight for her life. With everything you have. With everything you are. That's what you do for the girl you love.

"_Elena made her decision. She's choosing to trust Elijah, I'm gonna put my faith in her" _but she's only doing it because she's _Elena. _She sees the good in **everyone**, except...Katherine, maybe.

"_Why? She's gonna end up __dead__" – "Because she put her faith in me. She chose to trust me in spite of what I am. If I'm gonna bet on somebody's instincts it's gonna be hers" – "Well then that makes you the biggest idiot of them all" _classic brooding Stefan. Forever unable to get over the fact that he's a fucking vampire.

"_She chose to trust you too" –"Well maybe you shouldn't be so sure about her instincts" _I have to get away from him and his abundant stupidity.

Oh...dear. Ric, I think...is here and Jenna's pointing a crossbow at him. _"It's me Jenna I swear...Klaus let me go" – "Prove it" – "Okay uh...first night you and I spent together Jeremy walked in while..." – "Okay it's him" _hah! Oh I am so getting the rest of that story out of him later. Sounds kinky.

"_He wanted me to deliver a message. The sacrifice happens tonight" _nuh-uh. Not on my watch. Elena is scared I can sense it; hell I can smell it and I hate it. But I **will **find a way to keep her safe.

The girl of the hour comes to see me in my room _"You disappeared" – "I didn't wanna hear anymore" – "I need you to understand why I'm doing this" _oh I get it Elena. I just hate it. _"Why? Clearly doesn't matter what I think" – "I'll be fine Damon. I'll drink the elixir, Bonnie will kill Klaus and then all of this will finally be over"_ yeah. And you'll be dead.

"_If it works" – "It will work" – "You __think__ it will work. You __want__ it to work. Why am I the only one who's convinced it won't? There has to be another way" – "There isn't" _oh come on 'Lena. You are the **queen** of coming up with other ways. Think of _something_.

"_You're gonna die Elena" – "And then I'll come back to life" – "That is __not__ a risk I am willing to take" _she clasps my hand in hers and it's almost my undoing because I'm struggling with the urge to just grab her and run the fuck away and never come back and I'm just so...I'm so fucking scared. _"But __**I**__ am. It's my life Damon. My choice" _have I mentioned how much I've started to **despise** that word? _Choice. _

I can't..._"We can't lose you" – "You won't" _well I'm glad she understood that because I sure as hell didn't mean 'we' and she lets go of my hand and it feels like goodbye and this will be, officially, the worst thing I have ever done but I'm going to do it because I just can't...I can't lose her. It's not an option.

It's not a **choice. **There is no other way. This is the only way. I have to.

"_There is another way" – "What are you..." _I bite into my wrist _"Damon don't. Damon no" _but I do. I force her to drink my blood. Again. And it's not...pleasant because she's fighting it but I don't care because she'll live and then Stefan comes and pushes me off her.

"_What did you do?" – "I saved her life. You're so bent on dying at least this way I know you'll come back" – "As a vampire. She'll come back as a vampire" – "It's better than nothing else" – "Why would you, of all people, take choice away from her?" _I...love Stefan. Only love. I can't...I can't live in a world where she doesn't exist.

"_Go ahead, wish me an eternity of misery believe me, you'll get over it" _I did, for the most part. Stefan throws me to the ground again and Elena shouts at him but I have no idea why. I grab the wooden base of my lamp and rush him against the wall. _"Admit it, you just wish you had the balls to do it yourself" _I let him get a few punches in for good measure, I hate myself right now too, until I decide I've had enough of that and plunge a wooden...something into his stomach.

"_Get out of here" _Elena shouts at me _"Get him out of here" _Ric tries to grab me but I shake him off and what I've done is beginning to catch up to me.

"_Well it sounds like you won't be needing this anymore" _right, Elijah and his damned fairy dust potion or whatever. _"Both know that elixir wouldn't have worked anyway" – "The problem Damon, you talk a good game but you don't actually __know__ anything. She'll __never__ forgive you and never for a vampire...is a very long time"_ fuck you Elijah.

What does he know? But oh god he's probably right. What if he's right? How many times can I fuck things up before she gives up on me for good? I mean...she forgave me for killing her brother, right? But...killing her? Is that what I've done? I wanted to save her.

I don't even know is she **wanted **to be a vampire...ever, but, surely it would have happened at some point? It doesn't matter god I have to fix this. I have to fix this. Because once it's done it can't be undone and I can't...I can't live with her never forgiving me for this.

Okay breathe Damon, its okay. I've got time. Alcohol first. Then a plan.

Ric catches up to me at the Grill, he's one of the few humans either brave enough or stupid enough to be around me when I'm like this but I could probably use his help so it's not all bad.

"_I __screwed__ up" _so fucking badly. _"Yeah. Yeah you did" _so how do I fix it?

"_Gentlemen"_ who's this? _"Why so glum?" – "Klaus I presume?" – "In the flesh" _what does he want? _"Any reason you stopped by to say hi?" – "I'm told you and your brother fancy my doppelganger" _fuck you, she's not your anything _"Just thought I'd remind you not to do anything you regret"_ ha, you're about half an hour late **mate** _"Hah, thanks for the advice...I don't suppose I could talk you into a...postponement by any chance huh?" – "You are kidding...he is __kidding__ right?" _nope. Not at all. Hey it would solve...most of our problems. _"No. Not really"_ Ric answers.

"_I mean come on, what's one month in the whole grand scheme of things?" – "Let me be clear. I have my vampire, I have my werewolf. I have everything I need. The ritual will happen tonight. So if you want to live to see tomorrow, don't screw it up" _if I can't fix what I've done then I'm not too sure I **do** want to live to see tomorrow anyway.

"_You're gonna screw it up, aren't you?" _ah Ric, he knows me so well. Yes, yes I am. _"Think if I took his werewolf out of the equation she might...get over the fact that I tried to turn her into a vampire?" – "I think it won't matter because you'll be dead" – "But without the werewolf he can't perform the ritual tonight which means I would have bought her one more month before the next full moon" – "And you'll still be dead" _So? She'll live. S'all that matters to me.

"_You gonna help me or what?" – "What do you want me to do?" _there's my buddy. Let me in to your house that's what I want you to do, it's time to pay another visit to Little Miss Katherine.

"_Look who's dumb enough to come back" –"well somebody had to invite him in. Damon would like to uh...come in?" _oh boy would I! _"Are you trying to get me killed?" _well not actively right this second Katherine, no. I wrap my hand around her neck and slam her into the wall.

"_I gave you vervain and I'm here to collect" _I tell Ric he can go _"Get back to the house. Keep Elena from handing herself over" _Katherine pushes me off her and wants to know what I'm doing here. _"I need to know where Klaus is keeping his werewolf" – "Why? What are you gonna do?" _kill it. Obviously. Don't ask redundant questions.

"_No. No way" – "You should like this it's gonna buy you another month of your pathetic life" –"Right. Except that I'm not the vampire he's planning on sacrificing" _Huh? What the hell is he keeping her around for then? She's not that much fun, trust me.

"_Yeah he's got Caroline Forbes and Tyler Lockwood therefore I'm in the clear" _oh god now I **really** need to stop this thing. Elena will be destroyed if Caroline dies too.

"_What if I told you Elena had vampire blood in her system?" –"What?" _yeah I thought that might do the trick. _"Imagine how much fun that will be, competing with Elena for Stefan's love for, I dunno, for__ever__" _come on Katherine you know you want to tell me. 'Fess up. _"The tomb. He's got them in the tomb" _thanks love, time to go rescue Blondie.

"_Which one are you trying to save?" _hmm, yeah. I probably should've brought some backup. _"The blonde? Or the wolf?" _the blonde _"Did you really think Klaus would leave them unprotected?" _well a man can but hope "_wishful thinking"_ I dart for him and take him down but of course he's a fucking witch.

God dammit my head, it hurts, so much. And then there's a shot and it stops. I snap his neck quickly just in case the bullet didn't do the trick and if it isn't Barbie's boyfriend Ken. At least I think he's her boyfriend, what the hell is he doing here? Did he follow me?

"_Where's Caroline?" – "Listen man now is not a good time to play the hero" _he points the gun at me _"Where is she? And what'd he do to her?"_ he asks indicating Klaus's dead witch. _"I'm just here to rescue her okay?" _I'm getting closer...closer...and then I knock him out. _"You're lucky I already screwed up once today or you'd be dead"_ yes even I, Damon Salvatore, have a limit on how many fuck ups I am allowed to make on any given day.

These bullets are wooden and Barbie has some serious explaining to do, at a later point. Right now though we just have to get her somewhere safe. _"Damon?" _well don't sound so surprised _"your boyfriends outside with a rifle loaded with wooden bullets" – "What, Matt?" _oh yeah that's his name.

"_Shh. Tomorrow's problem. Let's get you out of here" _and I break the chains, honestly she's a damn vampire how could she not break her own chains? Unless they were spelled by the witch before he died. That would makes sense I suppose.

"_Wait Damon no. I'm not leaving without him" _oh for god sake _"it's getting dark soon. How fast can you get the hell away from here?" – "I need to get to my family's cellar. I can lock myself up" – "I'll help" _Blondie pipes up. Fabulous. _"Don't make me regret this"_ I say as I unchain Lockwolf as well.

But god it's dark and _"it's starting" _shit, man I knew this was a bad idea. _"Grab boy wonder and let's go" _before we all become wolf bait please. Stefan calls while we're walking through the woods. _"Bad time little bro" – "what the hell are you doing?" – "saving the day. Figured you'd understand. Just tell Elena to stay put" – "She's already gone Damon" _no _"What?" _no no _"Klaus came. He took her" _fucking god dammit all to hell. No. Okay. Wait. It'll be okay. _"I'll take care of it" _I got his wolf and his vampire. So all I have to do is get Elena back.

Aw man I do **not** have time for a transforming Tyler. And that looks...madly painful. I kinda feel sorry for the kid _"I don't know if I can hold it off" _well **try** dammit. _"Get out of here. __Go__"_ uh yeah, I think that'd be a good idea. But I see the second he changes and loses focus and he's gonna go for Blondie so I grab him instead. Damn my impulsiveness.

And he's all thrashing and gnashing teeth which is...concerning and then. He bites me. Yep. Bit me. Fuck. My. Life.

I throw him off of me _"Damon?" – "I'm __fine__" _I tell her to get them to the cellar and give them some bullets. I have to find Elena. And I'm running. Can this day get any worse? Don't answer that. Please.

"_I wasn't aware you'd been invited in" _yeah well now you are dick. Where the hell is she? _"I've come here to tell you that you have to postpone the ritual" – "Didn't we already have this conversation?" – "Yeah but that was before I rescued your werewolf and vampire and killed your witch" _I no longer care that this will probably get me killed. Hell I'm gonna die anyway but I would quite like to see Elena one last time although she's definitely not **here **so it's probably not gonna happen.

"_Excuse me?" _oh you heard me _"and you can kill me for it. I don't care. It was __all__ me" – "Katerina give us a moment" _probably gonna die now. At least if Katherine lives long enough to get out of here she'll maybe let Elena and Stefan know where I am.

"_I've heard about you, the crazy impulsive vampire, in love with his brother's girl" _ye-ep that'd be me all right. _"I knew __one__ of you would try to stop me. It was just a 50-50 guess on who" _he presses a button on his computer and shrieking fills the room. What the hell is that? Oh fucking...it's Jules. He has another werewolf.

"_First rule: always have a backup. Backup werewolf, backup witch" _and let me guess _"backup vampire?" – "I've got that covered too" _and then all I see is darkness.

"_Hey Damon. Hey. Damon" _Elena? No, not Elena, what's going on? Katherine? _"What the hell happened?" – "He's gone, he went to do the ritual. I'm sorry I had to" _had to what?

Wow. That was no ordinary neck snap. I don't know **what** that was. And it seems like everything I've done has been in fucking vain because they've gone to do the damned ritual anyway.

"_He would've known that I was on vervain if I didn't do it" _what Katherine? _"Do what?" _just spit it out already. _"He made me call her to lure her out. He needed another vampire" _but he had **you**...and me.

"_Who'd you call?" _I do not like the way this night is going at all and there are only so many 'hers' I know of and even less that I actually care about. _"Who did you call Katherine?" _Jenna. Fucking. Katherine. Goddamn her. Not Jenna, Elena needs her. I'll go. He can use me.

"_He should've used me" _I'm dying anyway, difference does it make? _"Why didn't he use me?" – "He couldn't Damon he said you were as good as dead" – "What does that even mean?" _what does it matter if I'm dying, I'm still a fucking vampire!

"_What is this Damon?"_ what the hell does it look like Katherine? _"It's a werewolf bite" _and I'll say it one last time.

I really should have stayed in fucking bed this morning.


	35. The Sun Also Rises

**A/N: Wow I can't believe we're so close to the end of Season 2 already. Maybe I should stop updating this thing daily! At this rate we'll be through the entire show before Season 6 even returns. Thanks ever so much for the reviews, thanks to my new readers as well, I love to hear from you guys and to the guests who I can't respond to personally. Don't forget to let me know if you want to read the bridge seasons or not. I don't own the Vampire diaries, all rights to the mad geniuses who made this stuff up! And...on with the show!**

**The Sun Also Rises **

"**Tell my love to wreck it all  
And in the morning I'll be with you but it will be a different kind  
Who will love you? Who fill fight? And who will fall far behind?"**

Right, now that we have in fact established that I should have stayed in bed I have things to do. I'm a busy man. Stop a sacrifice, save the girl...or at the very least make sure she stays human. Oh, and die. Fabulous. Will this night never end?

Katherine umms and awws over the werewolf bite for a while, but she doesn't know anything about a cure either and I really need to be leaving. _"145 years and no last goodbye?" _ Is she serious? _"You don't get a goodbye" – "Don't. Don't leave mad" _I'm not _mad_, well, I'm mad about Jenna but everything else, I'm just...indifferent. _"Enjoy an eternity alone Katherine" _there's your goodbye, happy now?

Jeremy and Bonnie are at the witches house looking for a way to keep Elena human and unfortunately I need to speak to my brother, I have to break the news about Jenna. _"You're not gonna like what I'm about to say" – "Is the sacrifice happening or not?" _oh yeah it's happening. _"Tried to stop it but it got...complicated" _hah! There is not a word in the dictionary to describe what a colossal fuck up this day has been and it's not even over yet.

"_He's got Jenna Stefan" – "What?" – "He got Katherine to lure her out of the house" _wow Elena's gonna hate me so much. I might have saved her best friend and Lockwolf but I pretty effectively got her aunt killed in the process. _"He's going to use her as the vampire in the ritual" – "Oh my god" _yeah, my thoughts exactly Stefan, only mine comes with a few more profanities thrown in for good measure.

Wow, someone is eager to get into the house _"Heard ya!" _I shout at the incessant knocking, for fuck sake I'm coming. I do not...feel good, and the bite? Looks ugly as hell. But I have to keep going, just a little bit longer.

Ah right, the knocking, I forgot about that for a minute. Wonderful, it's Papa John _"Elena hasn't returned any of my calls for days. I'm here to see her" _well that could be a little bit of a problem _"you're a day late and a daughter short John" – "What are you talking about?" – "Klaus has her" _god if nothing else, I'm so damn happy that Klaus is gonna die tonight.

"_How could you let that happen?" _Jesus I fucking **tried**. I did everything I could. _"You were supposed to keep her __safe__"_ I **know**, would you kindly stop reminding me of my failures? _"She is safe. I fed her my blood" – "You__ what?__"_ oh you heard me, now he's just pissing me off.

"_When Klaus kills Elena in the sacrifice she will come back to life. Granted as the thing you hate most in the world but no one really cares what you think" _god my head, it really doesn't feel good. Blood, I need blood.

John tries to grab me and I throw him into the wall _"you do __not__ wanna mess with me right now" – "You ruined her life. You know that right?" _yeah. Yeah I know it. _"I __know__ John. I took her choice, destroyed her future. Trust me I get it, it actually gets worse" – "How could it __possibly__ get any worse?" _oh you'd be surprised. Apparently things **can** always get worse. And now I have to fill John in on Jenna's imminent death.

Bonnie wants us to bring the Gilbert journals to the house and I really need to see my brother and Ric, only, my brother's not here. He's gone to fucking offer himself to Klaus in place of Jenna as Ric so kindly explains to me.

"_He wasn't gonna let Jenna die" – "We have a witch. She kills Klaus. No one has to __die__"_ least of all my fucking **brother**. I need him to be alive. Undead. _Whatever. _

"_Except for Bonnie" _God Dammit. _"__Stefan. __Dammit!" _I fucking need my brother to be okay. He's supposed to be there to look after Elena. Who the fuck's gonna protect her now?

I slam my arm through the wall and god I should **not **have done that. Fuck me it hurts. So much. _"Hey are you okay?" _no I'm not fucking okay I'm dying god dammit. _"I'm __fine__" _or I will be assuming I don't pass out of course.

"_Well that's my brother for ya. Always cleaning up my messes" _it is mad how much of this is my fault. Bonnie desperately looking for a way to save Elena, Jenna being taken, my brother off to sacrifice himself, all because I tried to save her damn friend. Bonnie calls me downstairs _"We found something in the Gilbert Journals" _well great what is it? Maybe **one** thing can be salvaged from this darkest of nights.

John babbles on about some spell Emily cast on a baby but I'm failing to see the relevance _"skip to the save Elena part" – "...the mother's life force flowed through her restoring her to life" _well that doesn't sound at all reassuring and then they're babbling again and I tune out until _"...not if her soul remains intact" _I'm sorry what? _"Her __soul__? Really? You're gonna put your faith in some act of god mumbo jumbo?"_ are they serious? They...look kinda serious.

"_I refuse to let Elena become the thing I've spent my life protecting her against. And you can call that god or mystical energy or whatever you want but __yes__ I'm putting my faith in it" _well o-kay then, I suppose it's worth a shot, it certainly can't hurt that's for sure.

Bonnie is casting the spell on John and I'm getting damn impatient _"Come on Bonnie we got a hybrid to kill" – "it's done" _well fantastic let's go please. _"I'll be back soon" _oh yeah, Baby Gilbert's not gonna be happy about this part, the bit where he can't come. Bonnie kisses him and he passes out which would be comical were the situation not so hideously stressful.

And then it's Ric's turn and he's gonna be even **less** pleased about being left behind and he doesn't even get a kiss to make things better. _"I can't put anyone else at risk" _Bonnie tells him _"You can't do this! Damon?" – "Sorry buddy she's right" _and he's just another person to add to the growing list of people that are pissed off at me **right **before I die. But Bonnie is right, we can't put anyone else in danger, there have been enough lives lost this night.

Oh...lord. Too much, it's too much.

My brother, he's alive. Jenna's dead but I can't help but be grateful that my brother is not. I snap Klaus's witches neck quickly while Bonnie appears to be magically kicking seven shades of shit out of Klaus and I'd be enjoying it more were it not for the fact that our girl...our beautiful girl is dead.

Realistically I know that she's gonna be okay but right now she's...not and it fucking hurts. I pick her up in my arms and carry her to my brother and that kinda fucking hurts too but I don't have time to focus on that right now. I yank the wood out of his back so he can move again. Christ knows why Klaus let him live but I'm really glad he did.

"_I need you to get her out of here" – "What about you?" – "I'm not leaving until he's dead" _well okay. Okay I can do that. I squeeze his shoulder a couple of times in a gesture that's as close as I'll probably ever come to conveying how glad I am he's still around and then I pick Elena up again and take her back to the witches house.

"_Come back as a vampire I'll stake you myself" _I brush the hair off her face gently and it reminds me of when I went to visit her in her room when I was first back in town, even then she brought me a certain...peace. I love it. I love her _"cause I can't s__tand __the idea of you hating me forever." _

"_How is she?" – "I don't know yet" _but I'm not leaving her side until I do.

"_What about Jenna?" _Oh god Jenna. Jenna is dead. I turn to look at them but I can't bring myself to say the words, _"I'm sorry Jeremy"_ and I really am. I'm grateful Stef's alive but I'm sad for Elena and Ric and Jeremy.

I wish she would wake up. Anytime now would be good. Oh she did!

"_Elena?" – "Damon?"_ I'm here, I'm right here _"How do you feel?" – "I feel fine" _oh thank you god, or mystical energy or whatever the hell it is, thank you, thank you, thank you. She's not a vampire. I didn't ruin her life. She's okay. I have a feeling I'm repeating myself but I'm just so fucking grateful that she's okay.

As it transpires the person I really need to be thanking is John Gilbert, only I can't, because he gave his life for Elena. Which ironically enough, also means that his death is my fault as well. Just another one to add to the list I guess. At least I don't write their names on a wall. Self-flagellation is really not my style in case you hadn't noticed. Although I am considering beginning to keep a mental list of all the important ones. The point is, John gave his life for Elena and she lost her last remaining parent and her aunt in one fell swoop.

Oh, and to make matters **even **better? Klaus isn't dead. Yeah. You heard me. Fucking Elijah stabbed us in the back, as if I couldn't have predicted that one coming a fucking mile away. I was right. Things can always get worse.

"_We all set?" _Stefan asks me, it's time for John and Jenna's funeral, Elena and Jeremy didn't want to make a big fuss so we're keeping it small and _"I compelled two of the grave diggers to do the dirty work."_

I stand slightly apart from the others at the cemetery, I don't really belong here. I never really have. But I'm here for her, the sad, beautiful, crazy girl that I'm madly in love with, who is laying roses for her mothers, her fathers, her aunt. How much loss can one person handle before they break? How much pain can she take?

She looks up and just stares at me for what feels like endless moments in time and I don't even know what her eyes are saying because they're hidden behind a bucket load of tears. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and kiss them away, comfort her until her broken heart is healed again. But I can't. So instead I offer her a small smile and walk away.

"_We're gonna head back to the house" – "Think I'll skip the coffee and teacakes" – "Damon she needs us right now. All of us" – "And then what's the plan Stefan? The curse is broken. How does one go about killing an all powerful wolf-vamp and his two faced older brother" _god I'd like to be around when they finally do get them. If I were then Elijah would be **mine.**

"_I have no idea" – "Well you need to get an idea. Fast" – "I'm not gonna let Elena lose anybody else" – "I wouldn't make any promises brother" _I tell him about Tyler biting me and show him my arm which is not only madly painful but now just looks downright disgusting.

"_We'll find something"_ he whispers _"a cure" – "There's no cure Stefan" _only death. Trust me, I've been through this once before, only there'll be no pretty fucking dreams for me.

"_We kept Elena human right? We found a way when there was no way. Hey! I will do this" _oh my brother. Ever the saviour. He really likes to live up the name doesn't he? But there's nothing he can do for me now, well actually, there is **one** thing he can do.

"_You wanna do something for me? Keep this from Elena. Last thing she needs is another grave to mourn" _he looks like he's gonna cry and I have to get away from him before that happens, I can barely handle Elena crying let alone anyone else.

He can tell her that I skipped town. Ran away and joined the fucking circus. Anything. I don't really care just as long as she doesn't know I'm dying. I can't be another person that dies on her. Not when she believes that I'm one of the ones who was never supposed to.

_Dear Diary,  
Oh god, I don't even want to write this stuff down, I don't want it to be real. I should have listened to Damon. I should never have trusted Elijah. _

_Jenna is __dead__. Klaus...he. He turned her into a vampire and sacrificed her in the ritual and there was nothing I could do to stop it. All I wanted was to protect her, to keep her safe, and in the end I got her killed. She knew about vampires for 1 day! 1 day! And he killed her. _

_And Elijah was going to kill him, I trusted him I'm so stupid...I should have known better than to blindly put my faith in him. When the time came, Elijah didn't kill Klaus. I don't exactly know what happened because I was dead at the time. _

_Klaus killed me too. But I came back to life, not because of Damon's blood, but because John...my father, he gave his life for mine when he found out what Damon did. He didn't want me to become a vampire so desperately that he died so I could remain human. And he wrote me a letter, which was beautiful and he said: _

'_I ask only that you believe this, whether you are now reading this as a human or as a vampire I love you all the same as I've always loved you and always will.' _

_I wish...I wish I had tried harder with John, now I have no parents left at all, I don't even have a pseudo-guardian left, Jeremy and I...all we have now is each other. Damon, Stefan, Ric, Caroline and our other friends of course, but...we're all that's left of our family. _

_I'm sure Damon thinks I am angry at him because Jenna and John are dead, he probably thinks I blame him but I really don't. He saved Caroline and Tyler, that's why Klaus took Jenna and...yes John died because Damon fed me his blood but that was his choice to make. I don't blame Damon for that. _

_I'm still annoyed at him forcing me to drink his blood, and I think I will be for a while but if history is any indication I'm sure I'll find a way to forgive him sooner or later. It's not like I don't understand his motivations, I just don't __like __it, but right now I think we all just need to try and stick together. _

_We're going to need each other, all of us, over the next little while and of course there's the small matter of figuring out how to actually kill Klaus. I'd like to crawl into bed and stay there for the next ten years, these last few days have been exhausting and I just...I need some time to try and deal with everything and try to figure out how to...keep going.  
Elena_


	36. As I Lay Dying

**A/N: And I give you the S2 Finale, As I Lay Dying. This one might get a little...sketchy in parts. Hey it's kinda tricky writing a delirious vampire who's hallucinating. Hopefully you all like it anyway because I sure as heck enjoyed writing this one! I own nothing. Also – I really recommend listening to the song that the lyrics go with when you read this; it's The Scientist by Coldplay. All right enough from me. On with the show!**

**As I Lay Dying **

"**I had to find you, tell you I need you  
Tell you I'll set you apart  
Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me"**

I've come over to see Elena, I'm starting to feel worse with every passing minute, hell with every passing _second _and I know that I have to do something about it, I have to end it. But first I have to see her and try to make things right. I really don't want to die knowing that she hates me.

"_That'll get easier, but you know that" _and she does, oh she really does, better than anyone I've ever met and I'm a vampire and she's only 17 fucking years old. I wonder if we should just burn this house and all of its ghosts to the ground and start again from scratch.

"_What you want?" _you, everything. To live. _"I want to apologise" – "Damon" –"Please. Elena feeding you my blood I was wrong" – "Yes you were" – "And I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but...I need it" _oh how I need it.

"_And I need some time. Maybe a lot of time"_ time. The one thing that I am quickly running out of. I know it's as close as I'm gonna get, the possibility hangs in the air that she _could _forgive me, eventually, which probably means that she's doesn't hate me and that will have to be good enough for me. I can find peace with that.

"_Sure. Of course, take all the time you need" _I don't say goodbye. I can't do it. I can't bear the thought of having to do that and I know if I tried I'd probably crumble into a million little pieces in front of her. So I come home instead, to the only place I've ever truly called a home. It seems a fitting place to die, Mystic Falls, after all it's where I died the first time around.

First though, one final drink, I think it's safe to say there's no bourbon where I'm going. Burning in the sun is the best way to go, I think. Well, it's certainly better than falling into an endless trip through my own mind, going slowly crazy until I completely lose the plot. I definitely do not want to go through what Rose went through.

And I'm as ready as I'll ever be; this is what I am due. My time is up.

Or. Not.

Fucking, Stefan. _"Get off me" _dammit he's actually stronger than me for a change.

"_You're not doing this" – "Just did" _it's the best way Stefan just let me die. _"You know what happened to Rose Stefan" – "I don't care" _oh man not the cellar. Please not the cellar. That is not a cool place to spend your final hours.

"_You're not dying today" _well, I got a wolf bite that begs to differ brother. _"What's the plan superman?" –"I'm gonna find a way out of this" _right but there is **no** way out _"ah right, miracle cure. Good luck with that one" – "I've got Bonnie looking for something. Anything" _hah, yeah like the witches are gonna help **me** _"Always the hero Stefan, just tell me goodbye, get it over with."_

Oh yuck...coughing. Wow this is nasty. I haven't had a cough in over 145 years and there's...blood. Even better. _"Lie still. Conserve your strength" _uh well o-kay then, sounds like a fine plan to me. I'll just...lie here and enjoy my descent into madness. Thanks for that brother.

"_Mr. Salvatore spying on a lady is a sign of very poor manners" _Katherine? Huh? No. _"My apologies Miss Katherine" – "Will you miss me while off defending the south?" – "I shall" – "Then I hope you will hurry back" _Katherine. Katherine loves Stefan. Thought I loved her. I'm...confused.

"_Damon!" _Elena! "_Don't you see? She was toying with you, all you had to do was say no. Walk away. You had a choice"_ oh god there's that word again. I hate that word. Elena is right though. My choice. It was my choice. Katherine never compelled me. All this time...oh thank fuck it's over. Why do I have to be tortured with twisted memories? Is it not bad enough just to be dying?

"_Well that looks bad" _Ric's here. I guess he's on Damon duty. Maybe I can convince him to stake me. _"It feels worse. My subconscious is haunting me Ric" _please put me out of my misery _"tell me you have something for that" – "Double shot" _huh that's a fine place to start I guess.

"_My brother sent you for suicide watch?" – "He's just trying to help" _of course he is. _"He's doin' what he always does. Tying to right the wrongs of the past" _oh wow, I should have stayed still. Moving around is...not helping my head in the slightest.

"_You should want m dead. I'm the reason Jenna got killed" – "I don't blame you for Jenna" – "Let's not forget I turned your wife into a vampire" _yes I am trying to provoke him into killing me. He's a vampire hunter dammit. Kill the big bad vampire.

"_Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation"_ I grab his throat but by god I'm weak _"Kill me...please" – "Screw you" _ah. Fucker vervained me.

"_Elena" _Elena's here. Oh god she's here.

"_Elena's not here Damon" _uh-huh. Yes she is. I heard her car pull up. Where is she? What's taking so long? Don't wanna die anymore. Wanna see Elena. Have to talk to her.

Only it's not Elena who comes. It's Liz and people blood. Well not **hers**. She just gets knocked out. Deputy blood though. Gotta find Elena. Need to talk to Elena.

What the hell is going on out here? Did I go back in time? Katherine? _"Damon" _Jeremy? _"Where's Elena? I need to see Elena. Now" – "Hey let's get you outta here first all right" _no. No time. Need Elena. Is he taking me to Elena?

Elena's not here. He took me to the grill, no Elena. But Liz is here. Again. Why does this keep happening? She woke up fast. She has a gun this time. Nope. Don't wanna get shot. Gotta find Elena before I die. Have to tell her something.

Wait. How did I end up back at the square? I was just here. Wasn't I?

"_Elena" _right? _"Damon" – "Where are we going?" – "Everywhere" _Katherine? _"Wait for me I wanna come with you" – "We need to get you out of here" _oh god what's real? I don't know what's real!

"_I will not __feed__ you Damon. If you want it take it. It is your choice to make" – "I choose you Katherine" _No I..._"It's Elena" – "It will be our little secret" – "Damon" – "I have to if we are to be together forever" _I don't want Katherine. I choose Elena.

"_Damon you don't have to do this. Please stop" _Elena? _"You're hurting me" _Oh my fuck. _"Elena" _I bit Elena! Oh god what did I do?

"_Damon, Damon" _oh but then she puts her arm around me and I sink into her chest and this is real. I can hear her heart beating and I can smell her blood and I'm sure it's real now.

Elena takes me home and gets me into bed and this is beyond pitiful but it's real.

"_It's okay Damon I'm right here" – "Elena get outta here I could hurt you" _but please don't leave me. Please don't ever leave me. _"No. You won't. I'm here until the very end I'm not leaving you" _oh my beautiful, stubborn, **precious **girl.

_FUUUUUUCK. _The pain is...painful. And Elena is...in my bed. How'd I make that happen?

"_It's not okay. It's not okay. All those years I blamed Stefan, no one forced me to love her. It was my own choice. I made the wrong choice. Tell Stefan I'm sorry okay?" _god all this time, all these years spent blaming my brother for something that wasn't even his fault. So fucking long. That's all kinds of fucked up.

"_I will" _oh it's okay 'Lena don't cry honey. _"I've made a lot of choices that've gotten me here. I deserve this. I deserve to die" – "No. You don't" – "I do Elena and it's okay. 'Cause if I'd have chosen differently I wouldn't have met you"_ and I'd do it all over again. Every wrong choice, every mistake, Katherine and every single cursed minute of those 5 years I was tortured and destroyed and ruined in a cell. I'd do every single bit of it all over again because it led me to her. And if I changed anything I might not have found her and that's not a risk I'd ever be willing to take. Yes. For this girl I'd do it all over again, even as I lay dying.

So beautiful, she's so beautiful.

"_I'm so sorry. I've done so many things to hurt you" – "It's okay. I forgive you"_ Love. You. Thank you.

"_I know you love Stefan and it will always be Stefan" _even as I say the words she buries herself closer to me and grips my hand and let me tell you if I have to die then there is no what I'd rather do it than with this girl in my arms.

"_But I love you. You should know that" _I just...I don't wanna die with too many regrets. And never telling her I love her? Her never hearing it without me taking it away, that would be one of my biggest regrets.

"_I do" _good, so good. But I made her cry. Don't wanna make her cry.

"_You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me" – "I like you now" _huh? _"Just the way you are" _Am I hallucinating again? **No. **This is real. Elena is real.

Well there's really no better words to die to and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die now.

Or. Not.

Oh. My. God. She kissed me. Oh. Elena kissed me. Um. Wow. Why? I don't care.

"_Thank you" _if only I were going to live I'd actually be able to...attempt to figure _that _out but as far as dying wishes go she got it pre-

"_Well it's me you should be thanking. I mean I'm the one who brought the cure"_

Katherine? _Cure? _This...isn't real is it?

"_Thought you were dead" – "I was" _I think it **is** real.

"_You got free?" – "Yep finally" _she's feeding me blood and how is blood a cure? I already tried that. It didn't work for shit. _"And you still came here?" – "I owed you one" _wow this must be special blood. I already feel a little better.

"_Where's Stefan?" _Elena demands to know, yeah where is my little bro? Maybe I can tell him I'm sorry myself. In...less words.

"_He's paying for this. He gave himself over to Klaus. I wouldn't expect him back anytime soon" – "What do you mean he gave himself over?" _I have a disturbing feeling I know **exactly** what Katherine means and I don't like it. Not one little bit.

"_He just sacrificed everything to save his brother, including you" _oh god Stefan. Couldn't you just...let a brother die for once in your life?

"_It's a good thing you have Damon to keep you company. Goodbye Elena" _bitch. She's such a bitch. I mean...grateful she brought the cure and all but she's still a raging bitch.

"_Oh. It's okay to love them both. I did" _a raging bitch **and** a liar.

I tell Elena to message Stefan and let him know that I'm all right. I'm still too weak to move but I'm definitely not dying anymore. Thanks to my brother. Gonna have to get him back now. But not tonight. Elena wants to know things, wants to know what I know. But not tonight.

Apparently there's gonna be a whole new day tomorrow.

_Dear Diary,  
I swear to god this town is cursed. Positively cursed. Stefan is gone. I don't know if he's alive...undead. Whatever. He's with Klaus. Katherine said that he 'sacrificed everything' to save Damon and I don't even know what that means. She just talks in riddles and I don't know whether to believe a word that comes out of her mouth or not. I know Damon knows something but he won't talk about it tonight. Which...I understand I mean, I get that he needs to rest, he nearly died tonight. _

_Oh god, I nearly lost Damon tonight and this time I couldn't do anything. This time it was Stefan who saved him. Somehow. Damon came by the house this morning to apologise and I practically slammed the door in his face and then Stefan came to tell me that he was dying. Tyler bit him when Damon went to rescue him and Caroline and he wasn't going to tell me! He was just going to...die without even saying goodbye. _

_So I drove over to the boarding house but Care's mom was here and she made her deputies lock me in the sheriff's office and I was trapped there. And I was so angry at her, how could she do that? I tried to tell her that Damon needed me, that he was sick, that I had to go to him but she just wouldn't listen to me._

_God I was so desperate and I didn't know what to do. I just knew I had to get out of that room; I had to get to Damon. I had to find him. I couldn't just let him die. So I swung a chair through the window and jumped out and then I was running around looking for him and I did, finally. _

_Only he thought I was Katherine, getting a little sick of that now to be honest, and he bit me! It didn't really hurt but I was in shock and I needed to take him home so I said he was hurting me and that got him to stop. _

_When I brought him home, I was in bed beside him and he said he was sorry for everything he's done to hurt me and I forgave him, I mean I already forgave him for everything in the past but I just...blanket forgiveness. I promised myself that if Damon survived then we would just start fresh. No grudges. _

_And then he told me that he loved me. He just wanted me to know. And I told him that I did which was just...not the right thing to say but I was so scared and upset I just couldn't find words to say anything else because I didn't know what else to say. And I do know that he loves me, I felt it somewhere inside of me. As if he'd told me before even though he never has. _

_Then I kissed him. It wasn't a pity kiss. It wasn't even a goodbye kiss. It wasn't a...choice. I had to do it. And I can't even say that I was selfless enough to give Damon what I thought he wanted before he died. _

_No, it was selfish. I did it for me. I kissed him because I __wanted__ to. Because I couldn't bear the thought of him dying and never knowing...never knowing what it would feel like to kiss him. And it wasn't even much of a kiss but it was still...god there was passion and tenderness and hope and...something else that I can't define right now in every second of it. _

_And then Katherine walked in. With the cure. That's when she told us about Stefan sacrificing himself. While I was lying in bed with his brother. Kissing his brother. My __boyfriend__, is gone, off doing god knows what with Klaus, to save his brother and I...I don't even know what I am right now but I don't feel like a very good person that's for sure._

_All I know is that we have to get him back. We have to save him. We have to bring him back. I don't care where we have to go or what we have to do to do it but we __will __bring him back. I need to focus all of my energy on Stefan now, but first I need to find out from Damon what the hell is going on.  
Elena_


	37. The Summer In Between

**A/N: Okay so this is the little chapter that I wrote to try and bridge the gap between seasons and some of you wanted to read it so I've posted it. For those of you that don't want to read it I promise to return to our regularly scheduled drama very soon. I do need to take a few days off though because I've been working flat out on this for weeks now but I WILL be back in a few days with The Birthday. Thank you as ever to my amazing reviewers and readers. Let me know what you think if you do read this one. I do not own TVD. **

**The Summer In Between **

"**Tears stream down your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
And I will try to Fix You"**

**The Morning After The Night Before**

Yep I'm a coward. Sue me. I left the house while Elena was sleeping because I can't bear to hear her questions about where her boyfriend is and what he's doing. And I definitely can't bear to see the look in her eyes, the guilt for what happened last night, the regret, the _blame_. So like the coward that I am I took the easier option and left the house while I could. Vampire speed comes in handy like that sometimes.

I went to get Ric and we went to his apartment which...yeah. That place looks like a scene from a very bad Halloween movie and I know now exactly what went down. I mean, I pretty much knew last night when Katherine said Stef 'gave himself over to Klaus' but now I know for sure. Stefan's literally handed himself over on a silver platter. For me. Fucking fabulous.

And you know what else is fucking fabulous? I'm gonna be the one that ends up cleaning this shithole of an apartment as well. Even a compelled cleaner wouldn't do half as good a job as I will and truth be told no more people than necessary should have to see this place. Even if they will forget it afterwards.

With that in mind I spend an hour or so cleaning up the destruction before Elena gets it into her very pretty but stubborn little head to come over here and find things out on her own. She'll be awake now. Hell she was probably awake when I left; it's just easier to pretend that I thought she was asleep.

But I've put it off long enough and I know it's time to face the music. I'm not one for putting things off, I just...this mess of a situation? I needed some time to figure out a decent way to tell Elena what's going on. To an extent. For sure I'm not telling her all of the gory details.

Ye-ep. As I thought. She's awake and she's _pissed_.

As soon as I'm in she's demanding answers so I give her the...nicest version of the truth that I can. My brother is one hell of a vampire when he gives in to the people stuff. And by one hell of a vampire I mean he's a ripper. There aren't too many of them. And my brother is by far the most infamous. By ripper I mean that he literally...rips his victims apart. Only afterwards he feels guilty as sin so he tries to put them back together. It's not a pretty picture. Trust me.

But the only thing Klaus could possibly want Stefan for is because of that, so as I said, he's handed himself over on a silver platter, he's given up his life, his love, and probably eventually his humanity as well to save me.

Of course I don't say all of that to Elena. No. Instead I try to paint her a relatively pretty picture that I'm sure she probably sees straight through but I'm not going to shatter her fucking illusions. I'm not gonna be the one who breaks the 'epic' dreams she has of my brother. Not. A. Chance.

Remember what I said about fighting for Elena after the sacrifice? Yeah well that plan's gone to shit now. Nope. Not gonna happen. Now I have to chase after my baby bro and bring him back from the brink, clean up his little messes again and preserve true loves dream all at the same time.

Did I mention that this was just fucking fabulous?

**The Summer In Between**

So it's been around a month and a half since my brother did a disappearing act on us and no one has heard a peep from him. Not that that's unexpected really. I've been, covertly, following the news reports, chasing down leads, covering up disturbingly disgusting crime scenes and...trying to hold Elena together. Sometimes literally. Sometimes figuratively.

Really, I've become quite domesticated. Who would have known? The first couple of weeks Elena was a mess. It's no surprise really after everything she's been through in the last...10 months. Christ it's not even been a whole year. I forget sometimes, just how young she actually is. Or maybe I just forget how old I actually am.

Anyway she was having nightmares, wouldn't eat, barely sleeping, barely...functioning actually. Ric's been staying at the Gilbert house, so that's where I've been most days, well okay, every day that I'm not cleaning up my brother's messes. I've been cooking, cleaning, because no one else can do that, playing video games, I'm the shoulder they cry on, the glorified babysitter, the drinking buddy, essentially. I've been Friend Zoned.

Which is fine. I can live with that. Or at least I could, were it not for the fact that she kissed me. And never mentioned it again. Not a peep. Not even a syllable. Nothing. As if it never happened. Only. It did. Oh it really actually did. I've replayed that entire night a hundred times in a hundred different ways in my head over the past month and there's no denying that it definitely did happen.

You know what else keeps happening? Furtive glances. Raised heartbeats. Flushed cheeks. 'Accidental' bumps and gentle brushes of hands or hips. Occasional longing glances. Okay those last ones might be mainly from me. She's the furtive, I'm the longing. But I see them. Of course I can't do anything about it can I? Because that would just make me the biggest dick in the world.

So instead, I'm just trying to fit all the pieces together, only this jigsaw is missing a vital fucking piece. My brother. Who'd have thought I'd actually miss the little bugger?

What I really need to be doing is finding Katherine, she might actually be useful in this situation, it seems she is pretty damn good at keeping an eye on my brother, at the very least she might be able to tell me the full details of what went down the night I nearly bit it. But I won't do that because I can't leave Elena for that long, she doesn't really...handle it well when I'm not around.

Hey it's nice to be needed for a change and I'm not really complaining. My brother's gone down the ripper road to hell before and chances are he'll do it again, forever is a very fucking long time but we need to bring him back, he would never have _chosen_ to do this were it not for me and I owe him. And he's my brother. And Elena needs him.

Andie is proving to be kinda useful at helping as well, on the days when Elena doesn't need me to be her comfort blanket she provides me with a welcome distraction from the harsh realities of my new situation and this warped triangle I've managed to get myself into again. And she's useful at helping with the news leads, being a news-lady does have its perks.

It's Elena's 18th birthday in two weeks and at the moment Vampire Barbie has enlisted my help, and my house in throwing her a party. Personally I don't think it's the best idea in the world but then again no one ever asks me what I think so who I am to talk? I just say yes, nod and agree when Blondie asks me things these days and hope to hell I'm not selling her my soul.

_Dear Diary,  
These last couple of months have been...both hellish and...oddly normal. _

_Obviously I'm terrified about what's going on with Stefan. I just...I would feel better if I knew for sure that he was alive. I'm sure that Damon knows more than he's letting on, but no matter what I do or say he just tells me that he's told me everything he knows. _

_Damon has been...amazing, there's really no other word to describe what he's been over the summer. He's literally become my rock, I know it's not fair to him, the way I've been leaning on him, relying on him, but I just need him so much and he's been there for me every step of the way. _

_Sometimes he even manages to make me forget about everything that's going on and I laugh and I'm having fun and I feel free and alive and life is easy again for a little while. I don't know how I would have survived any of this without him. _

_I haven't brought up what happened the night he nearly died. The kiss. Because I don't know what to say about it, I mean I can't tell him __**why**__ I kissed him. It sounds so...selfish. And I'm not going to lie to him and hurt him by saying it was out of pity or a 'goodbye' even though that's what I told Caroline it was. I can't tell anybody the truth. _

_Katherine's stupid words won't leave me alone. 'It's okay to love them both' god she's such a bitch. But those words I can't get out of my head. Is that the curse of the doppelganger? To continually fall in love with brothers? Because if it is then that's one hell of a twisted curse. _

_Not that I'm in love with Damon. Of course I'm not. I just...I don't know what I feel, I can't work it out. Stefan being gone...doesn't make things easier. I know I feel __something__ for Damon, it's always been something! But I feel like I've been fighting with myself for so long that I can't work out the truth anymore. _

_But I also know that it doesn't matter right now, what matters is getting Stefan back from wherever he is. What matters is bringing him home. To both of us. I know Damon misses him just as much as I do, even if he'd never say so.  
Elena_


	38. Author's Note

**A/N: I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I'm afraid my computer needs to take a little visit to the shop in order to get fixed. I can't even watch Netflix on it anymore without it messing up and I have no idea how to fix it myself. So unfortunately that means no updates for around a week. Hopefully I will get it back before then but I wanted to let you know that I have no intention of stopping this story as long as you are all still wanting to read it. I should be back with The Birthday around this time next week with any luck! **


	39. The Birthday

**A/N: Holy smokes folks I'm back and The Birthday is literally the longest one *ever*. Talk about coming back with a bang! I hope you enjoy it because this one was hella fun to write and I missed you lot. I also hope you're all still with me because this kicks off our Season 3 and I'm excited for that so don't forget to talk to me! All right, enough babbling, nothing has changed since I've been gone, I still own nothing except a now working laptop. On with the show!**

**The Birthday**

"**Stupid me to believe that I could trust in stupid you  
Don't leave me here, my guiding light  
'Cause I wouldn't know where to begin"**

If you ask me, this is the perfect way to start a birthday; champagne in a bubble bath, except "_we are out of champagne" _of course it's not _my_ birthday but there's nothing wrong with getting in the spirit right? _"__I__ don't drink in the morning" _Andie says but today is a special day. It's Elena's birthday and that calls for every kind of celebration. All hail the day that girl was born.

God I love bubble baths, they happen to be right up there in my top 3 things in the world. Yep, you heard me; the big bad ass vampire loves nothing more than relaxing in some bubbles. Well well. There is _one_ thing I love more, a whole lot more. And the birthday girl herself just walked into the house.

"_I mean you're dripping" _yep but my little birthday girl is here and what's a better gift than me in my birthday suit? At least it's not a present she's likely to forget any time soon. "_Mmhm" _

"_Mornin'"_ priceless, Elena gawks just a f_raction _too long before spinning around, tearing her gaze from my wet, bubble-bath covered body. "_Oh...you heard me. You knew that I was here" _well of course I did honey. The perks of being a vampire.

"_You know you should learn to knock. What if I was __indecent__?" _she turns around with a hand covering her eyes and throws me a blanket which I obligingly cover myself up with. I know the score. The fact that she's here first thing in the morning, on her birthday no less, means that something is either wrong or she needs something.

"_Sheriff Forbes gave us another location to check. Memphis" _for god sake Liz, what part of 'filter all Klaus/Stefan/Animal attack related news through _me _and not Elena' did I fail to make clear the first five times?

"_Another dead end you mean?" _only they're not exactly dead ends. I would know because it's me, and sometimes Ric who have been following Klaus and Stefan around the place cleaning up their 'blood-by-numbers' creations, and I've been hiding all of those darker aspects of the search from Elena. I'm trying to protect her, she doesn't need to know this stuff, doesn't need to see Stefan like this.

"_You don't know that" – "You're right Elena, this could be the one. After almost two months this could be the clue that tells us Stefan is alive and well and living in Graceland" _rocking shit up with Elvis I'm sure. I'm not trying to be a dick but keeping her out of all this shit is more important than filling her in on all the grisly little details of Stefan's horror road show. I'd like to think she'll even thank me for it one day but I'm pretty sure we **all **know better.

"_Fine. I'll go by myself" _she says and snatches the paper back. Hah! Not. A. Chance.

I flash in front of her and I love that she s_till _isn't used to my vampire speed. It makes her heart race a mile a minute. It was even more fun during the summer when she'd be washing dishes in the kitchen, thinking I was playing X-Box with Jeremy, only I'd sneak up behind her and whisper in her ear and she lets out this high pitched squeak _every. time._ And then she'll pretend to be mad and swat at me with soapy hands even though I know she secretly loves it.

Ahem. Got a little...distracted there, what's my point again? Oh, right, stop Elena from running into a _very _disturbing would be crime scene. _"And let Klaus know that you're tracking him? He thinks you're dead. Let's keep it that way."_

"_It's a new lead Damon. We haven't had one in a while" _correction: **you** haven't had one in a while because clearly people just pick and choose when to listen to me. If this is Liz Forbes's version of a birthday present then I think she _may_ need a lesson in both retail therapy and teenage girls.

"_Okay I'll check it out. If I find anything I'll call you"_ and now I'm leaving before Andie tries to go and bumps into Elena on the way out. Don't get me wrong they get along well enough but it is ten kinds of awkward being stuck in a room with the girl you love and the girl you're using to distract yourself from the girl you love.

Not that I'm _just _using Andie, she's a great gal, I care about her. Were it not for my birthday girl stomping huffily out of the house I could maybe even love her, but it doesn't take the awkward out of the situation. No getting out of it tonight though as Vampire Barbie has demanded that _everyone _be in attendance for Elena's party. As if that could somehow distract from the fact that the _only_ person she wants there; isn't.

Our 'new lead' goes on the pin-board in my cupboard safely hidden away from Elena's prying eyes. "_They've moved on to Tennessee" _I tell Andie, _"That Florida victim you had me look into had family in Tennessee" _well that's interesting. "_You up for a road trip?" – "No can do, I have got to work but I can see if I can get you an address" _fabulous. The perks of dating a news-lady.

I rope Ric into yet another crime scene cover up, somehow Blondie has roped Elena into helping set up her _own_ birthday party but it keeps her occupied so I'm not gonna complain. We finally arrive right in the middle of damn nowhere and before I'm even fully out of the car my phone is ringing. I haven't even looked at it but I'll give you three guesses as to who it is. You're only gonna need one though.

"_Elena?" _Ric asks as I send her to voicemail. I don't even reply, just vaguely wave my hands because what else can I do? "_I don't know why you don't just come clean and tell her where we are"_ well I definitely can't do **that**.

"_Cause Andie said this was a half lead and I don't want to get her hopes up" _at least that's half the truth. "_Yeah well they're __all__ half leads and I'm your accomplice. What do you want me to say to her? I'm practically living there" _just...say nothing. Do what you've been doing all summer, we've been to Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina and you managed to keep your mouth shut, clearly it's not that hard.

"_It's quiet" _ye-ah, too damn quiet. The kind of quiet that signifies that death has paid a visit. And if the overwhelming smell of old blood is anything to go by then death has paid a visit in the shape of my brother and his nasty-ass aider and abettor. Ah well, let's get inside.

"_Oh yeah" _this place is, Yuk. Blood everywhere and fucking creepy non-living dolls in the living room, sitting together on a couch that they assuredly did _not _die on. Only my brother. This is by far not the worst I've seen of him but it's probably the worst one for Ric so far.

"_Ugh. Vampire for sure" _no no _"__Stefan__ for sure" – "How do you know?" _oh a million little ways. He's my brother. This isn't my first rodeo.

"_It's his signature. There's a reason they call him The Ripper. He feeds so hard he blacks out, rips 'em apart but __then__ when he's done he feels remorse. It's the damndest thing" _I give the blonde a little shake to demonstrate and Ric nearly loses his breakfast when her head falls to the ground. _"Puts the bodies back together" – "Back together?" _yep. And _that _is precisely why I've kept Elena away from all of this.

"_Definitely Stefan" _only my brother.

O-kay, time to start a friendly little house fire. _"What are you doing?" – "covering their tracks. Clearly they have no interest in staying in the dark, but __I __do" _yeah. All kindsa law enforcement would be all over this shit, and apparently I can't even keep one small town sheriff in line. There's an ominous creaking of a floorboard when Ric moves across the room and we pull up the door that's cut into the floor to look inside.

"_Well whadd'ya know? Werewolves" _I guess Klaus is trying to build his little big army then. I set the fire and it's time to leave. Fire doesn't really bother me in the way it does a lot of other vampires; I don't much like being _on f_ire but watching it, hearing it, seeing it surround me? Doesn't bother me much, but that's no story to tell on a girl's birthday. I've much more important things to do, like get home and convince Elena to have some fun. One night off, she can let herself have that. Hell I think we all need it.

Elena is in Stefan's room getting ready for her party which is already in half-swing downstairs and I've been standing in the doorway watching her and pretending that I belong there.

"_Don't worry I'm not gonna lose it" _she says with a wry smile when she finally notices me, _"at least not before the cake" – "It's your party you can cry if you want to" _though it'd be **super** great if you didn't. At least I got a proper smile out of her.

"_Oh Stefan, such a packrat" _I finally make my way into his room and make a beeline straight for a photograph of him and Elena from sometime last year. Of course nobody needs to know that I have a _very _secret box in my room that contains a couple pictures of me and Elena as well. One of them is from the dance we did at Miss Mystic, I'm not exactly the sentimental type but I couldn't _not _keep that picture.

I run my thumb over her necklace in the picture, birthday surprises just keep coming for Elena today. _"I got you something" _she opens her mouth to protest because I was told in no uncertain terms that I was _not _allowed to buy her anything. Which, probably for the best really because I'd buy her the fucking world if I was allowed but I wouldn't have had the first clue what to really get her. Because what does one buy for the girl they're in love with? For the girl who is in love with your brother?

"_I know I promised not to buy you anything so don't worry I didn't pay for it" – "You __stole__ it?" _no silly! Although Stefan might have, god only knows where actually got the damn thing. _"__No__. I found it" _I open the box so she can see her necklace from Stefan, I replaced the vervain and everything.

"_My necklace" _she whispers _"I thought I'd never see it again" _well it wasn't all me, _"Alaric found it in his loft. Figured you'd be happy to get it back" _she gives me a beautiful smile which is reward enough for me.

"_I am happy. Thank you" – "You're welcome" _the air gets a little thick and the intimacy of this moment is lost in the irony of her asking me to chain the symbol of my brother's love for her around her neck.

I fucking hate that necklace. But she loves it, and it makes her happy, so on it goes. I need to get the hell out of this room. I offer her my arm like the true gentleman I was raised to be, _"shall we?" _and when she loops her arm through mine and I escort her down the stairs into her party it doesn't really feel like I'm pretending to belong so much anymore.

It feels all sorts of right and I can't help the smile that adorns my face even though I know that it's all kinds of wrong at the same time.

Apparently my house has been turned into douche-bag central for the night. _"This is keeping it small?" _Elena asks Barbie, yeah, seriously? Do they even _know_ this many people or did Blondie just compel everyone in a 10 mile radius to show up and drink my good alcohol? I wouldn't put it past her.

Elena walks off with Caroline to get a drink and I feel remarkably old so I'm gonna go, uh, head out and find someone a little closer to my own age. So that'd be Ric then, relatively speaking of course.

"_Hello birthday girl" – "Drink" _she demands reaching out for my glass. _"Jeremy's smoking again" _she informs Ric and I while knocking back my expensive bourbon. _"Is his stash any good?" – "You're an ass" _aw come on 'Lena, lighten up, it's your birthday. And he's like; an emo teenager...isn't that what the cool kids get up to these days?

"_Talk to him, please? He looks up to you" _she asks Ric and then hands me back my drink before stomping back inside. Well I guess I was wrong. Elena Gilbert _can't_ take one night off from her life. Not even on her birthday.

I guess it wouldn't be prudent of me to remind her that consuming copious amounts of alcohol is equally as illegal as her brother smoking weed while she's up on her high horse about it. Ric looks at me as if I have all the answers to his questions but I only have one. _"You're screwed" _simple as that really.

Andie sends me a message asking me to pick her up which is unusual but I could probably do with getting out of here for a bit anyway so I head down to the station to get her. And then Elena calls.

"_Pa-rty Central" – "Where are you?" _um, why does she sound mad? What the hell could possibly have happened in the _10 minutes _I've been gone? _"I'm...by the...punchbowl" – "Don't __do __that Damon, don't lie to me. I saw your closet" _oh shit. Hmm. O-kay _that _could be a problem. _"Oh uh...uh gotta go gotta go...break up beer pong" _shit. Fuckery. Dammit.

Yeah. I should _not_ have left the house, but seriously what the hell was she doing in my room anyway? That's a mystery for later; right now I need to find Andie who is conspicuously absent. Growing is the pit of unease in my stomach which turns to full blow sickening when I run into Andie's discarded handbag.

And my brother.

"_Stefan" – "Hello, brother" _hey that's my entrance line. What the fuck. _"You don't write? You don't call?" – "Need you to stop following me" _hmm allow me to consider that for **no** seconds. _"You're causing some problems" _well that's not a surprise. It's kind of my thing.

"_With who? __Klaus?__ I'm supposed to care what he thinks?" – "What you're supposed to do is let me go" _uh huh, nope, nope, nope, not gonna happen.

"_Walkin' a fine line there my friend, keep that up and there will be no saving you" _I just need to distract him a little bit and then I can break his neck all the merry way home and hand deliver him to Elena with a big red bow around his neck. Happy birthday princess, Romeo has returned. Oh and a stint in Vampire Rehab of course.

"_See the thing is uh, I don't __need__ any saving. I just want you to let me go" _right, tell your face brother. And, maybe your girlfriend. See how far that gets you. _"Now I got a birthday girl at home who's not gonna let me do that" _even **if **I wanted to, which I don't.

"_You know maybe I haven't made my point. Hey Andie? You still there?" _oh fuck Andie, totally forgot about her. Shit, I am a bad...whatever the fuck I am.

"_Damon" _she's scared and stuck up in the rafters, _"I can't move"_ compelled. **FUCK! **God I should have given her vervain, bought her a fucking bracelet or something. _"No no, no it's okay Andie stay calm" _why is he doing this? It's Andie for chrissake. And _Stefan_, he of such wisdom as, 'they're people not puppets Damon' and 'you're victimising her'.

"_Not cool brother" – "Oh come on; it's a little bit cool, no?" _

"_Hey Andie, you can move now" – "No! No no no no" _Andie is moving and falling and Stefan's got me pushed into the wall and I can't save her and I guess that took the awkward right out of the fucking situation. Bravo Stefan, now I can devote **all **of my time to your girlfriend.

"_I said, let me go" _he growls at me and this is not my brother. I don't know who the fuck this is but it sure as hell isn't Stefan. I've witnessed his Ripper-dom from afar for years, cleaned up his little messes along the way but I've never had front row seats to _him_ as a ripper.

Andie is dead and my brother is gone and I let him go. Stefan is gone and fuck knows if I know how to bring him back. I know at some point I'm going to have to face the music with Elena, own up to my secrets and atone for my summer of sins but I can't face it tonight.

Blondie shoves a bottle of alcohol at me when I get home and tells me I missed the cake as she gets dragged away by Lockwolf. I guess long hot summers of constant companionship, lingering stares and flirtatious banter _does _work for some people. Just. Not me.

Oh god, of course. Of course she's in my bedroom waiting for me. Why wouldn't she be? And if I'd thought for two seconds then I'd have known and I wouldn't have come here but now I am and she needs to leave before I end up doing something we both regret, we all know this play. Backwards and forwards, inside and out.

She waves stacks of paper at me and I'm too tired for this. _"What? What are you doing here?" – "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you keep it a secret?" _please Elena, don't do this tonight, I can't deal with this.

"_Could we not do this right now I'm having a __really__ bad night" _but she's got her judgy face on and I'm guessing the answer to my question is no, because of course it doesn't matter how bad _my_ nights are.

"_All summer every single time I came to you with a lead you made me feel like an __idiot__ for having hope" – "You __were __an idiot. We both were" _I push myself away from the door and she grabs me.

"_Tell me what you know Damon" – "I know you need to get back to your party Elena" _I know you need to get out of my room. I know you need to leave me alone for **one **night, just one, it's all I need.

"_We're supposed to be in this together. Why didn't you tell me that you've been tracking Klaus's victims?" _she's practically yelling at me by the end and screw this and screw her because all I've done all fucking summer is try to protect her.

"_Because they're not Klaus's victims Elena they're __Stefan's__. He's left a trail of body parts up and down the Eastern seaboard" – "No, you're wrong" _no. I'm not. _"I've seen it happen before. He's flipped the switch" _I grab the papers from her hands and words vomit from my mouth and I couldn't stop if I _tried_ because I'm so fucking angry and _tired_.

"_He's a full blown Ripper" – "Stop it Damon" – "No you stop it Elena. Stop looking for him. Stop waiting for him to come home. Just __stop__, Stefan is gone and he's not coming back. Not in your lifetime." _

Fuck. Nice job Salvatore. She's going to cry and I **want **to make it better but I can't because it's true. It's all fucking true and when she wanted pretty lies she went to my brother. But I'm not him. And every day that passes makes it more and more clear that that's never going to be enough, not for Elena.

So I leave her alone in my bedroom and hope she'll be gone by the time I come back, but my house is still full of drunk teenagers and there's nowhere for me to go and I _hate _my brother and he's _ruined _Elena's birthday and destroying his room seems like a pitiful sense of justice but it's as close as I'll ever get to destroying him and I need to because it's _all. his. fault. _

But it's not. It's not. It's not his fault. It's mine. It's all my fault. Andie. Dead. Elena. Fucking ruined her birthday. My brother. Gone. Ruined. Destroyed. All my fault. I broke it all and I can't fucking _stand_ it.

_Dear Diary,  
Today is my 18__th__ birthday. Technically I'm an adult now but I don't feel like it. I don't feel any different; I don't feel older, stronger, wiser. I just feel...broken. And tonight I feel desperately alone. _

_All summer Damon has been there beside me, all the time. Ric as well, even Jer to an extent although he hasn't quite been the same since he died and came back to life. But I've never felt as __alone__ as I do on this night. On my birthday. _

_This has truly been the worst birthday in the world. It all started off well enough, Damon gave me my necklace, he found it at Ric's apartment and I thought I would never see it again, I was so happy to get it back. And I felt it, that electricity in the air between us when he gave it to me, even though it was all kinds of awkward because we were in Stefan's room._

_And then Damon escorted me into the party and god, I felt like I belonged to him and I was happy for about a minute. And then it all went downhill from there. Jeremy is smoking pot again, then Damon disappeared and I went to his room to find him and instead I found pages and pages of tracking that he's been doing on Stefan without telling me. _

_I was so upset, I thought that we were in this together, that we were united on something at least and then to find that he's just been keeping it all from me? It made me so angry. And when he came home we got into a massive fight and he yelled at me and told me that they are all Stefan's victims. He's been keeping it from me all summer and I know it's probably because he's tried to protect me but...that's not Damon, that's not how we work. He's the one that tells me the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. And I don't want him to start lying to me. I've had enough of the lies. _

_I cried all the way home, and I don't know if it was because of Stefan or because of what Damon said. And then when I got home Ric told me he was leaving and I don't know what I'm going to do now. He's become like our step-father over the summer, he's been living here and it's been so comforting having him and Damon, they've become such good friends and tonight he just left and said that I'm 18 now and I can take care of myself but I really can't. I know that sounds childish and selfish but I can't do this alone. I have no idea how to cope with my life anymore. I need Damon and I need Ric. And I need Stefan to come home. _

_And that should have been enough for 1 night, but then Stefan called. I know it was him, even if he didn't say anything, I just __know__ it was him. And Damon said that he's gone, that he's flipped the switch but he's wrong, he has to be because Stefan called me and I told him that he would be okay. That I love him and to hold on to that because he is holding on to his humanity. Stefan is not gone and Damon is wrong. And I'm more determined than ever to bring him home to us.  
Elena  
_


	40. The Hybrid

**A/N: As ever you guys rock, thank you for the welcome back and I'm glad you all seemed to enjoy our Season 3 kick off. Not much to say today other than that, so enjoy the show! I own diddly squat. Love to own me some Damon though so if anyone's got any going spare send him my way. **

**The Hybrid**

"**I don't quite know how to say, how I feel  
I don't know when, confused about how as well  
Just know that these things will never change for us at all"**

There's a lady on the news reporting Andie's death, I had to leave her there at the station. I didn't want to but I had to, I have to protect my family first. Even if my family are behaving like idiots. And now I'm taking down the notes from my closet, no point in chasing down a lost boy who doesn't wanna be chased. God I need a hobby.

"_Just can't stay away can ya?" _I figured she'd still be pissed as all hell at me after I was such a dick to her last night and yet, here she is, back at the scene of the crime, so to speak.

"_You've been dodging my calls" _yeah most people would take that as a hint Elena. "_Well busy day you know, dead fake girlfriend and all" – "Why didn't you tell me?" _oh, you mean along-side all the other harsh truths I hurled at you last night? Happy fucking birthday Elena, your boyfriend killed my kinda-girlfriend, cake?

"_He called me Damon" – "Wha-?" – "Stefan called me last night" _Stefan did what now? Why now? Huh? _"Well what'd he say?" _

"_He didn't say anything" _umm...how d'ya know it was Stef-

"_But it was him. I asked Sheriff Forbes if she would trace the calls origin. It came from Tennessee" – "Where he's binge drinking on the country folk. We went through this Elena. Stefan's gone and I don't mean geographically" _please don't make me hurt you again; she knows how much I hate that.

"_If he was gone he wouldn't have called" _I don't know about that. Luckily she leaves which gives me a chance to consider what she said. My mind is still reeling from last night's events and I don't know whether I'm coming or going as far as either my brother or Elena is concerned.

What the fuck does a silent phone call mean anyway? It _could_ mean jack shit, it could also mean that my brother pulled off one hell of a performance last night. And if that's the case then maybe he _can _besaved after all.

Bloody Elena obviously thinks so, a text message or three from Ric lets me know that Little Miss Stubborn Pants is on a rescue mission to rival no other, through the fucking werewolf packed Smoky Mountains on the night of a full moon no less. Honestly that girl has **no** sense of self-preservation what. so. ever.

I'm not normally one to recommend Katherine-esque tactics but honestly Elena could probably do with taking at least _one_ page out of the Petrova Handbook for Survival. The one thing she doesn't know is that I'm 3 cars and twenty feet behind them the whole way.

Girl is pretty damn un-observant when she's on a mission as well, someone should probably start training her in this shit. Especially if she's gonna go walking around Klaus infested woods.

I come up silently behind Elena and throw her in the lake halfway through her sentence. Okay I might be a _little _pissed off with her latest 'how can I get myself killed today' plan and it might be a _little _gratifying to see her in the middle of the lake all...wet tantalising skin and clinging tank tops and fuck me even with her hair like a drowned rat she's still the sexiest thing I've ever laid eyes on and yeah I _really_ should have thought this through first. Damn impulses.

"_Damon. How are you even here?" _well that'd be Ric's doing, put your damn crossbow down man it's only me. _"Thanks for the tip brother" – "You sold me out" – "You think I'd take you into a mountain range of werewolves on a full moon with__out__ backup?" _oh she's got her pissy face on. She's beautiful when she's angry.

"_Get out of the water Elena" – "If I get out of the water you're gonna make me go home" _well obviously, she knows me so well. _"Yes. Because I'm not an idiot like you" – "You gave up on him Damon" – "I didn't give up on him Elena. Now get out of the water" – "No"_ oh for god sake.

"_What's your big plan Elena huh? You gonna walk through a campsite full of werewolves, roast a marshmallow, wait for __Stefan __to stop by?" _and I'm in the water with her. At least it does a good job of hiding certain parts of my anatomy.

"_My plan is to find him and help him Damon. This is the closest that we've been to him since he left. I'm not going home" – "Klaus thinks you __died__ when he broke the curse that makes you safe. __This__? This is not safe" – "I'm not leaving before we find him" _why, why, why? Why me? Why is she so damn stubborn?

"_It's a full moon tonight Elena" – "Then we'll find him before then" _yeah she's really, not gonna go home, is she?

"_Damon, please" _oh **now** she bring out the big guns. Girl knows damn well I can't deny her anything when she says please in _that_ voice with _those_ eyes. So of course she gets her way. She always does. We're going on a rescue mission for someone who doesn't wanna be fucking rescued because of a fucking phone call that probably means nothing. Great plan Elena, great plan. But my love for her wins out. My love for my brother wins out. We may as well give it a damn shot; we've come this far anyway.

"_Okay. Okay. But we are outta here before the moons full and I'm werewolf bait" – "I promise" – "Unless you wanna relive that whole deathbed, kiss, thing" – "I said I promise" – "Right" _as soon as I mention the kiss I know I shouldn't have done it.

We _never_ talk about it. It's like Pandora's fucking Box and we do not. open it. Only now I've gone and done it and there's no taking it back and magically I can sometimes make it through entire _hours_ without thinking about, without playing it over and over in my mind on repeat, an endless loop of precious seconds, without feeling the phantom weight of _her _lips pressed against mine. But now I've gone and opened my big mouth and without a doubt I know that those seconds are all I'm gonna be seeing in my mind for the next few hours. Damn impulses.

Now that I'm actually halfway on board with this half-baked plan I actually feel kinda sorry for Elena, we've been walking for what feels like forever through mountainous terrain and she is only human. I offer to help her; _"one little whoosh" _would get us wherever we're going a whole lot faster but she says I would probably drop her. As if.

What does she even expect us to do with him when we find him anyway? He didn't exactly seem all that enthusiastic about coming home the last time I saw him. Of course that was before the birthday phone call of silence.

"_We've got about a mile left" _Ric informs us. _"The sun's about to set" _and it actually is very pretty, if only I had a chance to actually enjoy the beauty of this night. _"I can see that Damon" _yeah well just a friendly little reminder Elena.

We reach a clearing and...a man? Stumbling through the woods, covered in blood, that...can't be good. Literally has blood coming out of his eyes.

"_Vampire" _oh shit, yeah, that'd be...me. Elena tenses beside me and then the were-man runs for me, I go for him at the same time and he pushes me into a tree, all gnashing teeth and growling at me. Ric shoots at him with the crossbow which seems to make no difference at all and god I really don't want to be doggy dinner. Elena shouts and throws something at me which explodes in wolf-man's face. Ah Wolfsbane. Thank fuck for that.

"_Let me guess, hybrid?" _how very observant Ric, and yeah, I guess that means we're getting closer though. We tie up the hybrid man to the tree "_these ropes aren't gonna hold him much longer, what else do we have?" – "Ric here take these" _I reach out to take whatever it is Elena has and fuck! Vervain. Ooh that stuff burns like a bitch.

"_Ow" – "I said Ric" _god it hurts though, _"we don't have enough stuff to hold him. I don't think we're gonna make that ridge before the full moon" – "if we can get him to talk we don't have to" _Elena's getting a little too close to the hybrid man for my liking, even if he is knocked out right now, but I let her do her thing. It was her crazy ass plan after all.

And he's awake. Shit. "_Is he turning?" _I've only seen it once with Lockwolf but his bones are breaking and it looks the same. _"There aren't supposed to be werewolves out here until the moon is full" _oh god **now** she's panicking. Great timing 'Lena.

"_These ropes aren't gonna hold a wolf" _please people, stop pointing out the obvious. I'm t_rying _to keep my arms, hands, face, hell my _everything _bite free.

"_Damon we've gotta get out of here" _what? She said she wanted answers dammit!

"_We've gotta get out of these mountains __now__ Damon. Damon __now__" _she pushes me in the back and yeah, okay, let's go. Now. Run.

We're running through the woods when Elena trips and falls. Dammit I _knew _I should have just picked her the fuck up.

"_Don't move"_ don't move a fucking muscle, don't even breathe. Werewolf. Jesus will she _ever_ listen to me? Gonna have to get this thing away from her now. Right. Now.

"_Here doggy, doggy" _and I'm gone. Christ I really don't wanna go through that bite shit again. Once was more than enough thank you very much. Only I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. He's just as fast as me and probably fucking stronger and god dammit! He comes up behind me and we're fighting, or...I'm trying to avoid doggy teeth at any rate.

I just need _one_ clean shot. Just one second to rip his heart out. But then he's on me and I can't fucking get it because I have to keep his damn mouth away from me. He's too strong and I _swear _I'm gonna get another deathbed kiss out of this one.

Or. Not.

Stefan.

Ripped his heart out for me, _"fancy meeting you here" _thank fuck for my brother. _"What part of don't follow me anymore got lost in translation Damon?" _um...the part where I translated it to our girl?

"_Might wanna take it up with your girlfriend, you don't want her chasing you I'd stop with the late night phone calls" – "I didn't call her"_ huh you wanna try that again brother? Stefan could not lie to save his life and I hope to holy hell that Klaus doesn't ask him anything about the Sacrifice or Elena because then we're _all_ up fucking shit creek. There's no point denying the truth Stefan, we all know you fucking phoned her.

"_Sure you did. She's not gonna give up on you" – "Well she has to, because I'm never coming back. Why don't you get her home? See if you can't keep her there this time" _oh Stefan trust me, I'd love to. He has fucking _met_ Elena right? What does he want me to do? Lock her in the damn basement?

But even if I could keep her at home I wouldn't, my brother is on the edge. On a precipice caught between the person he is and the person he hates with no way of reconciling the pieces of himself without help. He needs help and what's more he _wants _help, even if he won't admit it.

So I get it, I need to protect Elena better and somehow bring my brother back at the same damn time. Whatever happened to an easy life?

Elena is out of the car and calling my name as soon as she hears me approaching _"are you okay?" _no, not really. Physically, yes. _"I'm fine. Bite free, get back in the car" _I crash right into her, _"can you just give me a minute to appreciate that you're not dead" –"I'll give you 10 seconds, 9, 8" _I spin her around and lead her towards the car.

"_Damon stop being such a caveman" _nope, I wanna get out of these mountains and far, far away from werewolves and brothers that I was dumb enough to give up on and Elena who I'm going to have to give up as well, not that I ever really had her to start with anyway.

But I have to let her know, that I'll help her, that she was right, that we'll bring him home. So I follow them back to the house and go to Elena's room.

"_Seriously?" _she asks when she comes back and finds me waiting. _"I was wrong" – "Are you drunk?" _hah _"no" _not yet anyway. _"I thought Stefan was gone but I was wrong" _my brother is not gone, well he is, but he's not **totally** gone, he's not lost to us forever. Thank fuck.

"_You saw him out there? Damon is he okay?" _not...exactly. _"No. He's not okay Elena, he's an insufferable martyr who needs his ass kicked but he can be saved" _and you'll be the one to do it, appears that it's in your nature to save us damned.

"_What happened out there? What changed your mind?" _boy can't let me die that's what changed my mind. _"Even in his darkest place my brother still can't let me die. So I figure I owe him the same in return. I'll help you bring him back" _actions speak louder than words and it's easy enough to tell me to let him go, but when his actions say otherwise it's not so easy to listen to the words he's saying to me.

"_Thank you" _yeah well, I'm not just doing it for you. Little asshole's still my little brother and I kinda miss him. And now that I've shared my truth it's time to get some in return.

"_But before I do, I need you to answer one question" _I walk towards her and she backs up a little but indicates for me to continue.

"_What made you change __your__ mind?" – "What do you mean?" – "You were so hell-bent on staying on that mountain, you just gave up so what changed your mind?" – "We were under attack" _nope. Wrong answer Elena. Try again.

"_You had a bag full of weapons and a teacher with an eternity ring, coulda kept going" – "it was too dangerous" _I know I'm pushing her and I won't push too hard but _Christ_ how hard is it to just answer the damn question?

"_It was too dangerous going out there to begin with so what was it?" – "Why are you being like this?" _because I want you tell me the truth dammit. One more time. _"What changed your __mind__ Elena?" _

"_I didn't wanna see you get hurt okay? I was...I was worried about you" _and there is it, the truth.

"_Thanks" _I go to leave but she starts talking again.

"_Yes I worry about you. Why do you even have to hear me say it?" _I turn back around to face her, _"because when I drag my brother back from the edge and deliver him back to you"_ I walk closer to her and place my hands on her hair, _"I want you to remember the things you felt while he was gone" _because this summer has been a complete mind fuck and I want her to remember it.

I need her to remember that she _felt _things for me as well, that maybe the lines aren't that fucking clear, maybe it's not as black and white as she always thought it was. She's so damned stubborn and more than anything I don't want her to forget, or pretend it never happened, because I never will.

She sucks in her breath and her eyes dart a little wildly before coming to a stop on my lips again, and I know she understand what I'm not saying. What I want. What I can't lose. That I can't lose her.

I drop my forehead to hers for a second and somehow manage to tear my hands away from her hair. _"Goodnight Elena" _Ric's coming up the stairs as I'm going down and I don't know if he asks her because he's my friend and he knows I can hear or if he forgets that I have super hearing, but he does ask.

"_Know what you're doing there?" _and I wait. Bated breath and all that.

"_No. I don't" _and that's good enough for me. For now.

_Dear Diary,  
Today I convinced Ric to come with me to the Smoky Mountains to track down Stefan and try to bring him home. And then Damon showed up, Ric told him where we were and he threw me in the water! Eventually I convinced Damon to let us search for Stefan although to be honest I don't know what I thought we were going to do when we found him, but we kept going anyway. _

_And then we came across a hybrid! God I was terrified. I screamed at Damon, telling him that we had to leave and then I fell over and the werewolf was right there, in front of me and Damon ran away to make it follow him and Alaric made me go back to the car, I was so scared. _

_If anything had happened to Damon, god, it would have been all my fault. And if he'd been bitten again, I can't lose him. I barely handled it the last time let alone __now__. Some days Damon is the only thing that holds me together. _

_But then he came back and he was okay, if a little pissed off but that's okay, I understand. It was my fault anyway. When we got back, I went to shower and when I came out Damon was waiting. And he just...wouldn't let it go, he kept demanding answers from me, wanted to know why I was so desperate to get off the damn mountain, I told him it was because we were under attack but he just kept asking me, and I couldn't...I couldn't hold it back anymore so I told him the truth. _

_Or at least, I told him some of the truth. I told him that I was worried about him. But that's not the whole truth, the whole truth is that I was so damn scared that in that moment nothing else mattered, it didn't matter that we were there for Stefan, I didn't care about anything else apart from getting Damon out of those woods and away from the things that would hurt him. _

_And then he told me, that he wanted me to remember the things I felt while Stefan was gone and I know he's scared that I'm going to forget, that he's going to lose me. But I would never let that happen, I won't forget. I don't think I could if I tried. _

_Ric asked me tonight if I know what I'm doing, with Damon, and honestly, I just don't. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't want to...I __can't__ think about it. I can't let myself go there. I won't. _

_I gave Alaric the Gilbert ring back, I need him, I need his help and support and his friendship, and he needs us too, even if he won't admit it. So I used the ring to show him that I want him to be a part of our family, that I consider him family, that we need him and we love him, and he took it. He came home. At least someone did.  
Elena_


	41. The End Of The Affair

**A/N: Initially I wasn't going to write a full chapter for this episode, then I changed my mind. So here it is. Thanks as ever to my loyal reviewers and to my new reviewers it's always so nice to hear from people, plus I'm not feeling well today so please, talk to me when you're done! And to those of you who were disappointed that Elena didn't mention naked Damon, I hope this makes it a *little* better. I do not own TVD. **

**The End Of The Affair**

"**I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
I'm falling to pieces  
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even"**

Ah alcohol, how I love thee. Unknown callers on my phone? Not so much.

"_You're interrupting my drink" – "You miss me?" _oh god, like a hole in the head. _"Katherine. Where are you?" – "Lurking outside your window, pining away" _don't let it be true. I glance around the room just to make sure.

"_What do you want?" – "I'm homesick. What have I missed?" _yeah right, like she's calling me for gossip. _"Well Stefan's still Klaus's little prisoner and Elena __still__ thinks she can save him and no one's thought about you since you left" _although that's not strictly true, I did think that if I could find her she might know where Stefan is. To be honest, we could really do with a witch around this town. Where the hell is Sabrina anyway?

"_And what about you?" _what about me? "_I'm sure now that you've given up on your brother, you're plotting some sort of way of moving in on his girlfriend" – "I didn't give up on him, I just don't know where he is" _but I'd lay **good **money that she does.

"_But you do. Are you trailing them?" -"A hybrid who wants me dead and his sidekick who's off the rails? I couldn't be further away" _and that would be true, if the sidekick's name weren't _Stefan_.

"_Which means you know exactly where they are" _so spill the beans Kit-Kat, share your secrets.

"_All I know is Klaus pitched a fit once his hybrids didn't work and now he's looking for some answers" _and I just guarantee you that those answers all lead straight to Elena's front door and I don't like that one little bit.

Where is my brother? Chicago. Fabulous, because I didn't see enough of that place in the 20's, still, road trip with Elena, those always turn out s_o _well.

I decide to start Elena's day off right and wake her up to the glorious sight of, well, me. In her bed. "_Rise and shine sleepyhead" _she opens her eyes slowly and shrieks when she sees me, oh come on, I'm not _that _scary. "_What are you doing? Get out" _oh but it's so comfy in here honey.

"_You know you were dreaming about me, explains the drool" s_he huffs at me and then hits me in the stomach which probably hurt her more than me. _"Oh my god. 6am? Seriously? Do you really have nothing better to do at 6am?" – "Fine then, don't come with me to bring Stefan home. See ya" _and 3, 2...

"_Wait, wait, wait, what? What are you talking about? Where is he?" _so predictable. _"Windy city" – "He's in Chicago?" _ye-ep. _"How do you know?" – "Came to me in a dream, I was naked, you would've loved it" _I don't **know **if she dreams about me because I can't enter her dreams anymore and I wouldn't if I could but the fact that she talks in her sleep and my names comes up...sometimes, makes me think that she does.

"_Start packing" _let's get this show on the road. I pull open her drawer, of course it's her underwear drawer and it's all red and pink lace and black silk and god! this girl is a devil underneath those plain clothes. I pluck a pair of her red lacy panties out "_put these in the yes pile" _but she just glares at me, grabs them and closes the drawer.

But not before I spot one other thing in there that makes my chest tighten like a 14 year old boy. The rose, she still has the fucking rose I gave her at the Founder's Party when Stefan lost his shit the first time around. She has it, she _kept _it. In her underwear drawer. Wow.

I give her a smile and leave her to get ready while I try to figure out if _that_ means anything.

We're in the car and she's been fiddling with her necklace for ages now without really talking _"it would suck if your last memento of Stefan was that crappy old necklace" _it really is ugly. "_It's an antique Damon, like you" _oh burn.

I brought along some light reading for our trip, and by light, I mean dark. Stefan's journals chronicling his forays in Chicago in the 20's. "_Read this, paints a pretty little picture of Stefan's first experience in Chicago" – "It's Stefan's diary I'm not gonna invade his private thoughts" _why not? I do it all the time.

More importantly _"you need to be prepared for what you're about to see" – "I've seen Stefan in his darkest periods, I can handle it" _oh honey, no you have not, you've barely seen the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Stefan's darkest periods and I sure as hell don't think you can handle it.

I start reading from the book "_...I've blacked out days; I wake up in stranger's blood in places that I don't recognise with women I don't remember. Huh! I'm shocked! Stefan's not a virgin" – "Eyes on the road grandma" _she says and takes the journal away.

Back in the 20's Stefan was hanging around with some blonde chick for a while, I never did find out who she was. I watched him from the corners and the shadows and he never knew I was there; I got a lot of my information from a witch I knew back then. He probably killed that blonde girl; I didn't stick around long enough to find out.

I take Elena to Stefan's Chicago apartment; the place is a shithole as Elena points out in nicer words. "_There used to be an all girls high school around the corner but it shut down for attendance issues. Weird" _she thinks I'm joking. But I'm not.

"_If you're trying to scare me into giving up and going back it's not gonna work" _oh I'm not, it's not like I had to bring her in the first place. I'm just done trying to hide my brother's alter ego from her. I tried that, didn't work out too well.

I break the handle and in we go, _"here we are, Stefan's second personality home" – "He obviously hasn't been here" _no but he will be, at some point. I open up his secret compartment and indicate for her to come and look.

"_Stefan hid his alcohol, what a monster" _such bravado, _"look harder" – "it's a list of names" _and there we have it. Stefan's wall of shame. Stefan's wall of pride. Really depends on which side of him is winning the battle at any given moment. _"Mmhm" – "Are these all of his victims?" _oh yeah. "_Still handling it?" _

"_What were you doing in the 1920's? Paving the way for women's liberation?" _of course, because you show the girl a wall of names of people her boyfriend tore to shreds and somehow it all becomes about me and how much _worse_ I am.

"_I was around. Chicago's a big city. Stefan was a cocky ripper douche but I could avoid him and still indulge in a few Daisy Buchanan's of my own" _difference being I don't rip people apart.

"_Where are you going?" _away from you. _"His old stomping ground" – "I'm coming with you" – "No. You stay here and whip up an actual plan. I'll come back when I find him" _god she's insufferable sometimes. I get that she wants to maintain her perfect illusions of Stefan the saint but I'm fucking _sick_ of being painted the bad brother. We're all monsters here honey, no more, no less.

"_Well look what the wind blew in. Last I heard you hated this place" _'hate's' a little...strong. _"Gloria" _the, witch, I referred to earlier. _"Damn if I knew you were gonna age like this I woulda stuck around" – "I always did like you better" _yeah well you'd be one of the few honey. It's an elite group; the ones who like me better.

"_But I see your brother is still running in the wrong crowd" _oh good he has been here then. _"You've seen him?" – "With Klaus, bad combo" – "Know where they went?" – "They'll be back here later tonight. They're out uh, running a little errand for me" _she slides me a glass of Bourbon and it's been over 80 years and somehow she still remembers my drink.

"_Gloria, don't be a tease. What kind of errand?" – "Mm I don't think so. You may be cute but you're still a vampire" _yeah, that's causing problems all over the place these days. Not to worry, they're coming back she said, at least we know where we need to be now.

Fuck. Me.

Elena calls me in a panic because Klaus and Stefan turned up at the apartment and she had to hide in the cupboard, because I'm a jerk. What the hell was I thinking leaving her behind? Oh that's right. I wasn't.

"_Finally, I called you an hour ago" _she says when I get back. I throw her bag at her _"make yourself presentable, I know where Stefan's gonna be tonight" – "I told you that I was practically discovered by Klaus and you're worried about what I'm wearing?"_

"_I had an hour to realise what a bad idea it was to leave you here alone, process it and move on" _ of course only the first two things I've actually done. What I really want to do is grab her and run the fuck away from this city. Which yeah, truth be told, I do fucking hate. But I can't do that.

"_Are you okay?" – "Yeah" – "Okay, good, get dressed. You're all road-trippy and gross" _lies. She wouldn't be gross wearing a black bin-liner.

"_So you know where he's gonna be?" _and we're back to Stefan. Like clockwork this girl. _"Yes, with Klaus, so I'll distract Klaus and you deal with Stefan" – "Okay, thank you" – "But you're gonna have about 5 minutes tops before that hybrid-freak rips my heart out so __please__ tell me that you can do this" _cause I still don't wanna die.

"_I can do this" _excellent. Get dressed. Let's go rescue a lost boy. Honestly, brother's like a fucking puppy.

Elena looks gorgeous, of course, hell if it were me she wouldn't even need the vervain dart to bring me home. I'd fucking follow that girl anywhere she wanted me to go.

I drive us to Gloria's and poke my head around to see Stefan and he follows me outside. And slams me into a car. Well that's not a polite way to say hello Stefan.

"_What is wrong with you?" – "What is wrong with __you__?" _I ask him, shoving him away from me. _"You kill Andie one day, save my life the next. What are you, good? Bad? __Pick__one__" – "Klaus almost saw Elena today you have to get her out of Chicago" _yeah fat chance of that happening baby bro, not without you safely stowed away in the trunk of my car.

"_She's not going anywhere until she's got you checked into Vampire Rehab and on the mend. Trust me, I've tried" _for fucking weeks now. Girl is as stubborn as a damn mule.

"_She is the key to everything. Klaus can't know that she's alive" _what the hell does that mean? Are we speaking in fucking code now? _"She was supposed to die in the Sacrifice and she didn't; now Klaus can't create any new hybrids. His witch is s__econds__ away from figuring that out" _oh. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"_Tell Elena to go home and forget about me" _hey now, I'm not gonna be the dick that breaks her heart. Although of two things I am quite certain, firstly she heard every word of that, and secondly, he's staying. He's doing _this_ to protect her. Sometimes I fucking love my brother.

"_Tell her yourself" _I know now that this plan won't work. Stefan won't let it, but they deserve a few minutes alone so I go inside and play my part at distracting Klaus.

"_You don't give up do you?" _never. _"Give me my brother back you'll never have to see me again" _he babbles on about me wanting to die and I really just have to hope he cares about my brother enough to _not _kill me.

He's got a tiny umbrella from his girly drink and he's jabbing it into my chest and even though it's tiny it still fucking hurts because, well, it's wood.

"_You want a partner in crime? Forget Stefan, I'm so much more fun" _especially when you're not squeezing the heck out of my neck. He sends me crashing into a table full of glasses and grabs a stake and I think I _might_ have over-estimated his affections for my brother. Thankfully not Gloria's affections for me though as she stops him.

"_You don't have to negotiate your brother's freedom. When I'm done with him he won't wanna go back" _yeah, that's kinda what I'm afraid of.

As I suspected we are going home sans-Stefan so all in all this road trip has pretty much been an abysmal failure. Elena is waiting for me in the car and I'm not even sure I want to hear the details of how Stefan broke her heart but I ask anyway.

"_You okay?" – "Just drive" _well okay then, works for me.

We drive in silence for a long time and I pretend I don't notice the tears streaming down her face in silent rivers but eventually it becomes too much so I comfort her in the only way I can. I reach out my hand for her and she takes it and we drive like that for a while until she finally calms down enough to tell me in vague details what happened.

There's nothing I can really say to make it better so I just keep holding her hand the whole way home and hope its good enough.

_Dear Diary,  
I woke up with a Damon in my bed this morning! He told me that he knew where Stefan was, said it came to him in a dream, that he was naked and I would've loved it and god – I __do__ dream about him, especially now, after the birthday from hell. _

_That morning, when I got to the house Damon walked through, totally naked, all covered in bubbles and...glorious. I'm not going to lie in my diary; there are really no other words for it. Damon is glorious. Sinfully delicious. _

_And completely off-limits. Of course I covered my eyes and told him off, but I saw, I saw everything. And now I'm dreaming about it. I just __really__ hope I didn't say anything embarrassing in my sleep. And then, of course, he had to go playing around in my underwear drawer, which just made me think more dangerous thoughts and I made him leave because we were supposed to be going to rescue __Stefan__ and I couldn't keep getting distracted with Damon. _

_We took a road-trip to Chicago to track him down. It turns out that Katherine actually called Damon and told him that's where Stefan was._

_Damon took me to Stefan's apartment and he has...a wall. A wall full of names, the names of all of his victims, all the people he's killed. It made things very, very real. _

_Damon left to see if he could track down Stefan and I was in the apartment on my own when Klaus and Stefan showed up, I hid in the cupboard and I was so terrified, then Stefan came into the cupboard and god, for just a second, I actually thought he was going to tell Klaus that I was there. I can't believe I thought that, of course Stefan would never do anything to hurt me! But I did think it, just for a second. _

_I have no idea how Klaus didn't notice that I was there, I'm sure my heart was beating like a jackhammer because I was so terrified and I called Damon to let him know and he didn't come back for an __hour__! But when he got back, I could tell that he was upset, I think he was angry at himself for leaving me there alone, and then he told me that he knew where Stefan was going to be so I got dressed and Damon drove us to Gloria's. She's a witch that they both knew in the 20's. _

_I had planned to inject Stefan with vervain but when I tried he grabbed my wrist and he got really angry with me. His eyes turned dark and he looked...dangerous. He said that he doesn't want to come home and that things would never be the same if he did. _

_He said that he'd killed innocent people, left bodies scattered from Florida to Tennessee and I __know__ this, but I told him that he could still come home, I reminded him about Lexi finding him like that, saving him and I told him that I couldn't give up on him. _

_And he said that I can. He said it's done, that part of his life is done and he doesn't want to see me and he doesn't want to be with me, he just wanted me to go. And I spent the whole summer, looking for him, searching for him, worrying about him, breaking down over him and all this time...he just, I don't even know. It feels like he doesn't care, that he would rather just be with Klaus. And I've tried, so hard, and Damon has tried, so hard to bring him home, but I guess...we can't keep chasing him if he really doesn't want to be chased. _

_Damon drove us home, and the whole way he just held my hand and he didn't pressure me to talk, he just kept holding my hand, kept holding me together, rubbing little circles into my thumb and making me feel safe. I told him a little about what happened with Stefan, and I know he's worried about me. But I am going to be fine. I refuse to let this break me. Even if my heart does feel like it's been crushed into tiny little pieces.  
Elena_


	42. Disturbing Behaviour

**A/N: God how I love Season 3 of this show, I'm having a lot of fun writing this and I hope you guys are still having fun reading! I do not own anything and it *sucks* to be me. **

**Disturbing Behaviour**

"**All of the things that I long to believe about love and the truth  
And what you mean to me and the truth is baby you're all that I need.  
I've got nothing to prove for it's you I'd die to defend"**

Given Elena's most recent brush with heartbreak I have taken it upon myself to be the appointed Elena-sitter for when she inevitably has a nervous breakdown. She can't be strong forever; it's just not an option. No matter how hard she tries, and try hard she fucking does. I've never met anyone so adept at pretending everything is just peachy when their life is falling to pieces around them bit by tiny bit.

This is how I find myself in the Gilbert kitchen helping make chilli. _"I just don't know why you wanna bring chilli to a pot-luck. __Every__body brings chilli. Hi Ric" – "What time do you wanna go to the Lockwood party?" _never. Why do we have to go to all these things? Oh right, council meetings, that's why.

"_Show up there's gonna be 9 other people that brought chilli" – "It's an old family recipe okay?" _she says with an exasperated huff. _"Yeah I know. I knew your old family, they made sucky chilli" _true story. She turns and giggles at me and bumps my hip with hers and I get my first genuine smile of the day. Score one for Salvatore.

"_Why are you here, exactly?" _Ric asks. When am I ever _not_ here? _"She knows" – "He thinks I'm going to break. I'm __not__ going to break. I'm just gonna keep making chilli, pretend like I didn't just spend the entire summer looking for someone who didn't wanna be found" – "She's in denial" _I stage whisper.

And she is because she won't let herself break, not just over this Stefan thing, but everything, she refuses to do it even though it's the one thing she really needs to do. I just can't work out _why_, what is she so afraid of? What does she think is gonna happen if she stops being strong for 5 minutes?

I mean I get it, come on I'm a vampire with an off switch for this very reason. Of course my switch doesn't _work_ anymore but that's not the point. You don't wanna break down? Don't wanna feel the pain? The hurt, the anger, the _anything_? Fine, flip the switch. So I get it, but she's _human, _she doesn't have a switch, she's just doing an excellent job of pretending that she does.

"_I'm not in denial" _ooh I love it when she growls at me, girl is so damn sexy and so damn unaware of it. Either way, denial or not, breakdown or not, if it comes I'll be here to catch her. And if she wants to keep going on like nothing ever happened then I'll be by her side for that too. God, somebody buy me a fucking leash.

"_No?" _I gently pick up her necklace and hold it between my fingers. _"You're still wearing this necklace. Isn't this a reminder of your __un-breakable__ bond with Stefan?" _though fuck knows I've given her the damn thing a lot more frequently than he has. Her gaze follows the lines of my face southward until her eyes fall on my lips as ever and I give her a tight smile because I _know_. Even if she'll never admit it.

I let my fingers graze the base of her neck gently and her pulse jumps under me and then I let go, her skin still burns me every time I touch her and after a point it starts becoming difficult to let go and stop touching her. And I just remembered that we have company, in the form of Elena's pseudo-step-father and my best friend. I _still_ don't know how the fuck that happened.

The doorbell rings breaking the tension in the room and Elena disappears to see her friends while I go to meet Liz and deal with the newest person to launch an attack against Vampire Barbie. In the biggest of ironies since, well, irony, her gay father tried to 'fix' her vampirism, so backwards.

Honestly even I'm beginning to get a little sick of people attacking Blondie. Liz is holding him down in the underground jail cell where he kept his daughter. _"Double check him for vervain before you compel him" _ew gross, so fresh blood with a side of poison then? Sounds tasty.

"_So Bill, I hear you're into the whole daddy daughter vampire torture play?" – "I was trying to help her" _Blondie? _"Well if there's __anyone__ who doesn't need help it's your annoying control freak of a daughter" _that girl right there is one vampire who doesn't need to change a fucking thing. She could get a job at Vampire Academy teaching control, and she's not even a year old. I'm almost proud of her; okay maybe I'm a _little _proud.

I bite him and fortunately for me there's a distinct lack of vervain mixed with the blood in my mouth. _"You will leave town immediately, all you remember is you came to bring your daughter back to school shopping" _and my work here is done. You can all thank me later.

Time for another Lockwood party and ten bowls of chilli then I suppose. I swear I used to be more fun. _"Founders parties are just an excuse for the council to gather in back rooms and plot against vampires" _I tell Ric and grab a beer instead of sucky chilli.

"_Hey, ah, I think you need to take a beat, with Elena" _I'm sorry, take a what now? "_Excuse me?" – "Whatever it is you two have going on, I think it's a bad idea" _wow, uh, who the fuck asked you?

"_I don't really think it's your problem Ric" – "It __is__ my problem. I'm supposed to look after her and this is me doing that" _yeah and you're _supposed _to be my friend but you're not doing _that_ very well are you?

"_What do you think I'm doing?" _because from where I stand I'm the one that's been looking after her for the last 9 goddamn weeks. Scratch that, for the last fucking _year. _

"_What I think, is you need to take a beat" _yeah I'm gonna have to Google that shit 'cause I still don't know what it means but I get the fucking picture and I'm _really _close to punching him in the face right now.

"_Damon? Sorry, uh, the mayor just called for the council meeting" _right, duty calls. Fuck Ric. Asshole.

God these meetings are so damn boring, why did I sign up for this again? Thank god it's over. _"I have a question" _what the...Bill Forbes. Didn't I tell him to leave immediately? _"Do you 3 think that everybody on the council is clueless? Or just stupid?" _man this is **not** my day.

Elena. _"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Houston we have a problem" _I say, rushing to catch up with her as she leaves. _"Where have you been?" – "Managing Bill Forbes, apparently he's impervious to compulsion" _fuck if I know how. _"He threatened to out me. Don't get me started on the irony of that." _

"_What did you do to him? How do you know the compulsion doesn't work?" _and great, we're back to Elena assuming the worst in me. I wonder if that's her or her friend's thinking.

"_It's not the most important piece of information I mentioned Elena" – "Well what does he want?" _Ric asks and I tell them that he wants to control the council, apparently it's been 'compromised' _and _he wants to put vervain in the towns water supply.

"_Maybe it's not such a bad idea. I mean it'll help you keep yourself in control now that Stefan's not here to-" _you have **got **to be kidding me.

"_To what? To keep me in check? Make me __behave__?" _seriously Elena, could you please tell me _one _time that _I _have lost control? You're getting your brothers fucking confused honey. And you're pissing me off.

"_Should've killed him this morning" – "He's Caroline's dad Damon" – "Yeah and when I kill him she'll have one more parent than we do" _honestly I don't know why I fucking bothered trying to talk to her in the first place, as if I didn't know exactly how this conversation would go.

"_Oh come __on__ Damon" _Ric. Is in my way. _"You're repeatedly killing my buzz today Ric. Step aside" – "Yeah, it's not gonna happen" _I glance down at his hand to make sure his come back from the dead ring is still intact. Yep, it's there.

"_You're temporary funeral" – "Damon __No__" _oh calm down 'Lena, he'll be fine in a couple hours.

"_What is __wrong__ with you?" _nothing princess, absolutely fucking nothing. I leave her with Ric's temporarily dead body and head back into the house to clean up my mess. To Elena, this is me out of control. Me? I've never been more in control in my life.

I'm not even going to _actually _kill the douche.

I ask about the compulsion and he informs me that my "_technique is a little lazy" _what the hell? _"Duly noted" _I have never met anyone who can resist compulsion without the aid of vervain. It's almost cool except it's totally not. How the hell does he practice anyway, does he have a friendly neighbourhood vampire too?

"_You're not self-destructive enough to kill the Sheriff's ex-husband" _hah, well you've clearly never met me. I'm_ fairly _sure that if you searched Wikipedia for 'self-destructive' you'd find a big picture of my beautiful face alongside it.

"_Makes you the third person to underestimate me today" _I dart over and bite into his neck and then throw him to the ground. _"Hoo! You know, with all this behavioural modification going on around here, I almost forgot how good blood tastes when it's...fresh" _he wants to know if I'm going to kill him but like I said, no, _"I'm just gonna find pleasure in perfect little moments like this" _I bite him again and then I'm flying into the wall. Fucking. Blondie.

She throws me through the window and Mrs. Mayor is _not_ gonna be happy about that. Why is she so pissed anyway? Her fucking _dad_ tortured her! I slam her down on the table and grab her neck. _"I'm stronger than you little girl" – "Well __I'm__ angrier" _she tears my wrist away and slams her head into me before I go flying into the wall, again.

Damn, girls quite good in a fight really, and then she's gone. And Elena is here. Great. Just. Great.

"_Bummer, love a good girl fight" – "You can't do this anymore Damon. Not in this town. Not around me" _do what Elena? Protect _your_ fucking idiot friends? Because believe it or not that's _what_ I was doing. "_Why not? Nothing I haven't done before, why is it suddenly __so __important for everyone to keep me in check?" _

But of course we won't get the _actual _truth out of Elena. We'll get an edited version of it.

"_Because I don't want you to be what other people think that you are" _seriously this girl needs better friends. _"What? A monster? Sorry to disappoint you Elena but last time I checked I was __still__ a vampire" – "Yeah I guess I wish that you didn't have to __act__ like one" _and that might be as close to the truth as we get.

"_I am __not__ Stefan. How about you stop trying to turn me into him?" _because that's really what it comes down to isn't it? Like I said before, she can't love a vampire. Not one like me. Not one who revels in it. Who doesn't hide from it.

I've changed a fucking lot for this girl but what more does she want from me? I'm not going to change the _fundamentals _of who I am and even if I could I can't because let me tell you once you go vamp...you can't fucking go back. I'm not going to _pretend_ to be something I'm not. That's Stefan's gig and I am _not_ my brother. For very good reasons, such as those he has been showing off all summer.

I hate fighting with Elena, I love fighting with Elena. The problem being that _our_ type of fights are fuelled by burning passion that should end with blazing make up sex which of course they never do. So at the end I'm just left sexually frustrated with a pissed off Elena. Oh, and a still dead Ric in my house the morning after.

I prepare him a wake-up make-up drink and he's back. _"Took a bit longer than usual huh?" _no reply. Hmm. I guess he's not talking to me either then. _"Might want to get that ring checked, hope it's not goin' bad" – "You killed me" _duh!

"_You pissed me off" – "You __killed__ me" _yes. I know. _"Ric, no hard feelings all right? I was on a bit of tear, everyone was trying to tell me how to behave" _and I don't like that. I don't like being told what to do, what I can and can't do. I control my actions, even if they are self-destructive.

"_Well maybe they finally realised you're just a dick" _yeah. Maybe.

Ric slams his drink down and leaves.

Someone is at the door and it's definitely not who I was expecting. _"I will accept written apologies only" _oh great. Katherine.

"_Are you two lovebirds fighting already?" – "Katherine. Wonderful. What do you want?" – "I'm just a girl looking for a partner in crime. You feel like hittin' the road?" _with you? Not so much, but beggars can't be choosers and right now I'll take what I can get.

"_You have impeccable timing. I was told I needed to take a beat" – "Is that a yes? I'll drive" – "Why not? Walls are starting to close in on me around here. Where are we going?" –"Away from here. That's all I'm gonna give you for right now but believe me, it's good" _she's dangling Elena's stupid necklace at me and I try to take it but she snatches it away.

Ah what the hell, this is just what I need. Away from this unfortunate town and girls that are as fucking mysterious as the dark side of the moon, yep, let's go. Right this damn second.

_Dear Diary,  
Damon and I had a big fight last night. And it's all stupid Caroline's fault. That's not true, it's my fault really. _

_Damon was being really sweet since we came home from Chicago, making sure that I was okay, sticking around me, taking care of me, he helped me make Chilli for the Lockwood party, making me laugh. Just, generally being a good friend. And then Caroline asked me if I was 'switching Salvatores' and said that no one is changing Damon, not even me. _

_Honestly sometimes I don't understand Caroline at all, doesn't she see? Can't she see how much he's changed already? But then last night he attacked Caroline's dad and just...it's like he was trying to prove me wrong. He always uses the word 'monster' to describe himself and I'm getting sick of it._

_I don't want people to think that he's a monster, because he's not. I haven't been trying to change him, he's been changing himself, but I don't want him to think that he can just go around killing people and that it's okay. Just because he's a vampire doesn't make it okay and he knows that as well as I do. _

_Damon accused me of trying to turn him into Stefan and I know that Damon isn't Stefan, I don't __want__ him to be Stefan, I would never want that. I think Damon thinks that he is just...filling the space that Stefan left when he went away but it's not like that. It's as if Damon has carved his very own space inside of me that's all Damon shaped and sometimes I hate it and I don't know how he did it because if anything happens to him...I don't know if I could ever get over the hole that would be left in his place. _

_But of course I can't say that to him, to anyone, I can't. Caroline confronted me about my feelings for Damon today, she said that I'm attracted to him and I won't admit it. And I can't. I feel like I'm fighting a battle with my feelings and I don't think I'm doing a great job at winning. But I can't really talk to anyone about it and in the end I tell people what I know they want to hear from me. _

_Even when it's not the truth. But sometimes my own truth feels like it's buried so deep inside of me that I don't know how to find it. And sometimes I don't even want to. Because I'm scared of what I might find. Of __who__ I might find.  
Elena. _


	43. The Reckoning

**A/N: *Waves* Oooh this one was hella fun to write, The Reckoning is one of my absolute favourite episodes *ever* so I hope you all enjoy this one. I can't believe we've hit 250 reviews! Incredible. You guys rock. Every day. And a shout out to the guests who left me *lovely* reviews. Thank you so much. Okay enough from me. On with the show that I do not own. **

**The Reckoning**

"**I'm not the one who broke you  
I'm not the one you should fear  
And I wanted to be all you need"**

Katherine and I have been driving for ages and if I'd known _I _was going to be the one doing the driving I'd have brought my own damn car. I'm pretty certain she said she would drive though. _"You hungry? Let's stop for a bite. A truck stop, or a trucker" – "Oh stop being cute" – "It's not possible" _honestly, why did I ever think that this was a good idea?

"_We've been driving around aimlessly for hours, where are we going?"_ if she doesn't spill the beans soon then I'm going back home to face the wrath of Elena.

"_Far enough away so that you can't go running back" _on second thought she might have a point there; the wrath of Elena doesn't sound _all _that enticing right now.

"_Not to worry, Mystic Falls and I are on a bit of a break" – "You and Mystic Falls, or you and Elena?" _oh great, I see sexy Kat's coming out to play, it's almost a shame I'm in no way affected by it.

"_Let's just say Elena and I are having a bit of a difference of __opinion__ on how I should behave" – "Let me guess, Elena wants you to be the hero and you don't like playing pretend" _she's running her hand along my chest and my jaw and her voice is all smoky and husky but...nothing. I got nothing.

"_Something like that" _however I can get _something_ out of this, and by something I mean, an aggravated Katherine, which is always fun. _"Her loss" _she whispers before kissing me, she tastes like cherries and blood and sex and it's not in any way right. She just tastes wrong so I shove her off of me.

"_What are you doing?" _– _"Thought I'd give it a shot. Truth is you just don't do it for me anymore" _I love how she's the one that get's all pissed off when it was _her_ who disappeared in a blaze of glory and never looked back. Not that I'm not glad about that now, as it transpires I waited 145 years for a whole other doppelganger. And whadd'ya know? _Still waiting, _that's probably all I'll ever be.

Okay, now I'm seriously tired of Katherine's pouting and silence so I pull into a rest stop. _"Why are we stopping?" _maybe because I'm not stupid? I know something is going on and there's no way I'm leaving Elena too far behind without knowing exactly what we're doing and where we're doing it.

_Taking a break from the sexual tension, I'm tired of driving it's your turn" _she stalks over to grab the keys and I throw them as far away as I can, no getting away from the truth now Kit-Kat.

"_We're not going __anywhere__ until you spill your guts" – fine" _she pulls out Elena's necklace, which apparently Klaus wants but does nothing to explain why the hell we're out here.

"_When I stole the necklace from Bonnie I found out something else, something better" _uh-huh, getting to the point, _"are you willing to do whatever it takes to stop Klaus? No turning back?" _well I'm here aren't I?

"_I'm __not__ turning back" _fairly sure no one's even gonna notice I'm gone anyway. _"Good. Because this isn't gonna win you any points at home" _what's in the trunk Kather-

"_Jeremy? Really?" _fuck yeah she was right, _that's_ absolutely not gonna win me anything back home. And how _exactly_ is Baby Gilbert gonna be of any use in this situation?

I get Jeremy out of the trunk and put him down on the table, _"I'm listening" _and I suggest you start talking before I get _really_ mad.

"_What if I told you there was a way to kill Klaus? And not dagger dead, dead-dead" – "I'd say you were desperate, and lying, or drunk. Or a desperate, lying, drunk." _

"_Do you remember my friend Pearl?" _Oh, you mean the 'friend' you sold out so you could fake your own death? The 'friend' you left to desiccate alone in a tomb for 145 years? _"Vividly"_

Katherine goes on to explain that Pearl knew a vampire who could kill Klaus, but Pearl is kinda, dead-dead and all this talking in riddles is getting us nowhere fast and my heads starting to spin.

"_She only ever told one other person" – "Who?" – "Her daughter, Anna" _oh for. fucks. sake.

"_A__lso__ dead" – "Which brings us right back around to-"– "To me. Back around to me" _great timing Baby Gilbert, now will someone kindly tell me what the _fuck_ is going on around here?

Ghosts. Bloody. Ghosts. Jeremy has been seeing the ghosts of girlfriends past ever since his present girlfriend brought him back from the dead. No wonder he's been so damn jumpy all summer. And now we're trying to contact Anna, honestly it's like a teenage version of Ghost and the Sixth Sense combined.

"_What's she saying?" _'Cause really kid right now it just looks like you're talking to yourself and it's kinda creepy.

"_She doesn't wanna help you" _well there's a surprise, no one ever does. _"My advice?" _Katherine whispers at me, _"you wanna make an omelette you have to break a few legs"_

Aw man, as if I'm not in enough trouble as it is. But yeah, she's right. Anna has information and we need it. _"Jeremy, I just want you to know, it's nothing personal" _I smack his head off the table and, god, _so _much trouble.

"_Anna I know you can hear me, tell us what you know. The sooner the better for your little boyfriend here" _and for me. _"Mikael" _he shouts. Well great, a name is a good place to start.

"_Who's Mikael?" – "He's a vampire and a hunter. You guys would be idiots to wake him" _well no one ever accused me of being a genius. And 'wake him'? The fuck does that even mean? Jeremy asks my question for me and I can get my answer later. _"It's time to go find the keys" _who's great idea was it to throw the keys with vampire strength anyway? Oh right. Mine. Idiot.

"_Don't fall asleep Jer, might have concussion" _I say when I finally get back with the keys. _"Thanks for the concern, dick." _

While I was traipsing through the woods I realised that my phone is suspiciously absent, _"Where's my phone?" – "Do you need to check in with Elena? Make sure it's okay you pummelled her little baby bro?" _fucking just give me my damn phone _"__Now"_thank you. Well, that's...unusual.

"_Bonnie's been texting me" – "What is it?" _Nothing good is what it is. _"It's Klaus" – "No turning back Damon" – "Shut up Katherine" – "Hey, look at the big picture, the best shot at taking Klaus out is by finding Mikael." _

Doesn't she get it? I only care about Klaus insofar as it affects Elena, he can take over the damn world if he wants to because without Elena there _is _no bigger picture. And I swear to _god _if anything happens to her _I _will tear the fucking world apart and if Katherine kept me from saving my girl then I'll drag her to hell right along with me.

I need to get back to Mystic Falls. _Yesterday. _

"_Stay with her so Anna can guide you. I'm going back" _I give Jeremy the keys and grab Elena's necklace out of Katherine's pocket as I brush past her.

"_You're gonna get yourself killed. The Damon I remember wouldn't have been that stupid"_ I stall at her words for just a second; this girl does not know me _at_ all. How is it possible that two people, who look so identical, in almost every way, can be _so_ very, very different underneath?

"_I wouldn't have done it for you" _and I'm running, I'm running faster than I've ever run in my life and I'm far away. I just hope I'm not _too_ far away. I have to get to her, why did I leave her? God it was just a fucking fight, I should never have left her.

Katherine thinks it's a weakness, but it's not. My only goal, aside from retrieving my brother from Klaus's evil clutches, is keeping Elena alive, protecting her. I don't care about the fight, I don't care if she _was_ trying to change me, I only care that she stays alive to continue fighting with me. That's not weakness. That's love.

I finally make it back to Mystic Falls and track Elena to the hospital, what the fuck is wrong with her?

Klaus. Of course he would be here. _"Well look who finally decided to show up to the party" _better late than never right?

"_Where is she?" – "Elena? Uh, she's making a...donation to a greater cause" _I try to walk past him but obviously my life can never be that simple. _"Can't let you interfere mate" – "You'll have to kill me." _

"_Oh I would love to kill you but uh, I made a pledge to your brother and unlike him I keep my word; although you know what? Thinking about it now, he probably doesn't care that much anymore" _the fuck does that mean? God I don't have time for this.

Klaus slams me down on a car and raises his hand but hopefully _my_ news will stop him from ripping my heart out; _"Don't you wanna know about your friend Mikael?" _yep that stopped him all right.

"_What do you know about Mikael?" _I know you sound mega-scared right now which is good enough for me. _"Just that he knows you're here" – "You're bluffing" _hell yes I am, but he _will_ know.

"_Katherine and I found him. Consider it our leverage" _he throws me into another car and ouch! I think he broke a rib. Or two, but he's gone.

Elena. _Now. _

Oh 'Lena. I find her in a hospital bed and detach all the wires and she's been bitten. Who the fuck? I will _kill_. And there's a tube with _her _blood, they've been taking her blood. And although I remember, vaguely, drinking her blood the night I nearly died, I'm not even _tempted_ by it now. Oh it was divine, of course it was, but Elena can give me her blood willingly or not. at. all. And it makes me furious that another vampire has bitten her. Again.

"_Damon" _oh thank god, she's awake. _"Hey" _I pick her up in my arms and she wraps herself around me, lays her head on my shoulder and as I carry her home she tells me what happened.

Stefan. Stefan bit her. And a girl called Rebekah, Klaus's sister. So, great, even more Originals and people I c_an't _kill.

When I get Elena home I get her wrapped up in a blanket and bring her a glass of my best bourbon. _"It'll help you forget" _if you drink enough of it. She looks broken and I _feel _broken just looking at her.

"_You know I can help you forget too, at least the memories you don't wanna __keep__" _I almost wish I could. Take it all away. A part of me wishes I could compel the last year from her life, make her forget that she ever met me; make her forget that she ever met my brother.

I wish I could take away all the fucking pain that burns in eyes that used to shine with fire and passion and bring back the girl that she was that very first night I met her. But I can't do that, not only because it wouldn't work but because I am that fucking selfish. I can't lose her.

"_No. No compulsion. I need to remember, __all __of it"_ god she's so strong, so brave. I dangle her necklace at her, that thing is seriously becoming the bane of my existence. _"I stole it back for ya" _but she doesn't take it, just stares at me with those big sorrowful eyes for minutes that could be hours.

"_He's really gone this time, I watched it happen. After everything that we went through to get...to help him, now he's just...gone" _yeah, I don't really know what to say to her because I can't make her words any easier to bear. It's the truth. Stefan flipped the switch and bit _Elena_ and fuck yeah he's gone. A thousand fucking miles _gone_.

I put her necklace down on the table and she's gonna cry and I'm not even sure what to do here, I wish I could make it better.

"_Where were you, Damon?" _fuck. my. life.

Oh god, someone just stake me. Right now. How can four miserable little words have so much power? Right this second I almost want to wish _myself_ an eternity of misery.

I'm sorry. So fucking sorry and I literally think my heart just fucking _broke_.

"_I shouldn't have left" _she nods her head but it's not enough, it's not good enough Damon, make it better!

I reach out and put my hand on her knee because it seems the safest place to touch her right now. _"I promise you, I will __never__ leave you again" _and I won't. I'll be there until she orders me away. I'll be there for fucking eternity if she'd only have me.

She tries to smile a little at me and nods her head again with her eyes brimming with tears and you have _got _to love the courage of this girl.

"_Well isn't this cosy" _Stefan. Shit. Elena's heart jumps and her pulse races and she's _afraid_, she's scared of my brother. I stand up and move in front of her so she knows she's safe. Nothing will hurt her.

"_What are you doing here brother?" – "Last I checked I lived here" _and great, cocky Ripper Stefan really is back.

"_Klaus is gone but he's asked me to keep watch on you until he returns" _he says pointing at Elena. _"From now on, you are under my protection" _yeah right, over my un-dead body Stefan.

"_By all means, carry on" _he says waving his hands towards us. Ye-ep. There's my Ripper brother. Lights are on, but nobodies home.

_Dear Diary,  
Oh, such a bad day. The worst day. Stefan came home. Stefan came home and Klaus came with him. Klaus found me at school where we were setting up for Senior Prank Night. He said it was my fault that his Hybrids were dying, because I survived the Sacrifice, and he ordered Bonnie to find a way to fix it. _

_Klaus hit me and Stefan tried to fight him so Klaus compelled him to stop fighting, to obey him and then he made Stefan kill Dana and Chad right in front of me. And then his sister, Rebekah came, she bit me when she found out that Stefan gave me her necklace and I told her I didn't have it anymore. _

_Katherine stole it from Bonnie. And I didn't know where Damon was, I needed him and he wasn't there. And it was my fault, because of the fight that we had. Because he thought I was trying to turn him into Stefan._

_Klaus gave us 20 minutes to find answers and he compelled Stefan to feed on me if Bonnie couldn't do what he wanted. _

_I got angry with Stefan; I knew he could fight the compulsion, if he just tried hard enough. After everything that we've been through, everything I've gone through trying to get him back, he __owed__ me that. He owed it to me to fight. And he did, he told me to run and I ran. Straight into Klaus. _

_Stefan s__taked__ himself so that he wouldn't hurt me and Klaus told him that his humanity was 'killing him' and he kept shouting at Stefan to turn it off but he wouldn't and I was so __proud __of him. And then Klaus compelled him. _

_I watched it happen right in front of me. Stefan just...Stefan was gone. Klaus said he 'fixed him', he forced him to flip the switch and then he said that Stefan could drink from me. Stefan transformed right in front of me, his face, oh god it was terrifying. I mean, obviously I've seen his vampire features before but never like __that__. _

_He bit me and it was so painful, and he wasn't compelled, not to bite me. He did it because he __wanted __to, and just because he shut out his emotions doesn't mean that he doesn't __remember __who I am all of a sudden, doesn't mean that he doesn't remember that he __loved __me. How could he do that to me? I never thought Stefan would hurt me, but he would have __killed__ me if Klaus hadn't stopped him. _

_When I woke up in the hospital and Damon was there, I thought I was dreaming at first. But Damon was really there, he came back for me, he found me, he rescued me and carried me out of the hospital and I was safe. I felt so safe. _

_I asked him where he was and he didn't really tell me, but he promised me he would never leave me again, and I felt everything he put into those words. I believe him, Damon always keeps his promises. I couldn't stop staring at him, his eyes; they really are so beautiful, even if there was pain and sadness in them tonight. It was like we were in another world, and then Stefan came home and the world was shattered. _

_I don't care if it's selfish of me anymore, Damon will protect me, take care of me, I need him. I need Damon because I don't know how else to cope anymore.  
Elena_


	44. Smells Like Teen Spirit

**A/N: I loved writing this episode, well, I love writing most of them but this one was exceptionally great so I hope you all enjoy it. Don't forget to feed me, in the form of reviews. I love those. I do not own TVD. **

**Smells Like Teen Spirit**

"**And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't  
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of the road  
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope  
It's always darkest before the dawn"**

I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night after I took Elena home, probably because all I could hear in my mind was _"Where were you, Damon?" _and all I could see every time I closed my eyes were the tears in hers. 'Course I'd have probably slept a whole lot better if I'd just stayed with Elena but she didn't ask me to and I didn't offer. Instead I came home to douche-bag central where fortunately enough for him, Stefan was nowhere to be found.

Unfortunately, he's back now. And his breakfast is ruining my good rug. Honestly I don't know why I bother with these things; they cost way too much money to keep getting destroyed like this.

What in the? Twister, really, Stefan? It's like, 9am. "_Hey the two brunettes on the staircase owe me a Persian rug" – "You mean they owe us a Persian rug? It's my house too brother" _uh-huh, but _you_ are not the one who pays for the damn things. Oh hell, I don't even care about the fucking rugs that much, I'm just beyond angry with my brother and waking up to disturbing half-naked twister in my living room is _so_ not how I wanted to start my day. It's like 1864 all over again, except worse, and with board games.

"_Oh, would you like a spin?" _uh no I'm all good thanks. _"Is this what Klaus had in mind when he compelled you to protect Elena?" –"These ladies are helping __me__ be all that I can be" _oh right, you mean, an arrogant asshole then? Christ Stefan we're not in the army, we're not at war. Or, maybe we are.

God I hate Ripper Stefan. At least in 1864 he still had his humanity. I know, I know, I wasn't exactly the picture of humanity and sanity when I first got back to town but this is Stefan we're talking about. And he's acting like, well, like me. The me from before, and it's not a good look on him. And on top of everything else it's hurting Elen-who the hell is at the door?

"_Where's Stefan?" _some blonde comes barging into the house. _"Who the hell are you?" _and please, do come in. _"He left me here, my brother actually left me here" _oh no, this must be the other bloody Original. _"You're Klaus's sister?" – "Rebekah, pleasure I'm sure" _well isn't she a charmer?

"_Which one's my room?" _oh hell no. _"You're not staying here" _good, I'm glad to see my brother didn't shut out _all _of his common sense when he flipped the switch. She turns to me but I'm just shaking my head _"rude. Both of you, I'll see to it myself"_ No. _Not _cool.

"_Well I guess she's staying here" _fabulous. Go ahead, make yourself right at home. Fucking Originals.

Katherine. I need to talk to Katherine. She's not returned any of my calls and now I've got _more_ Originals to deal with I could _really _use and update on the Mikael situation.

"_He's a little bit out of commission" _she tells me when she finally answers the phone. _"He won't __eat__ and I've tried everything. Gravediggers, mourners, mice, rats, bats, he's just...not interested" _what the? Fuck does he eat then?

"_Well try __harder__. We need him to kill Klaus so I can de-rippify Stefan before he destroys my house" – "Fine. I'll give it another shot" _good, too many problems are piling up without any solutions in sight. Yeah, Katherine really needs to sort out this Mikael situation.

Elena. I want to talk to Elena, that'll make the first half hour of this day a lot more bearable.

"_Hey. Are you checking up on me? Because I'm fine" _yeah I'm sure, but we'll stick with your story for now.

"_Yeah, uh, so you might not wanna come here for a while. We have a new housemate. Barbie Klaus" _maybe I could just go live with Elena, Ric and Jeremy for a while. That would solve a problem.

"_Rebekah? She's living with you now? Why?" _no no, she's not living with _me_, she's living in my house. Big difference.

"_Because she's stranded, apparently Klaus left her in the dust after I name dropped Mikael" _really feeling the brotherly love there. _"What about Stefan? What is he up to?" _huh, well it took longer than I thought for her to bring him up, colour me impressed.

"_Uh you know Stefan, journaling, reading, shaping his hair" – "Come on Damon I can handle it. __What__?" _em no, _really_ don't want to get into this conversation.

"_Is that the bell? Uh ring, ring, don't wanna be late" _yeah. I'm not really sure how to tell Elena that her...boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend? Whatever, is playing twister with half-naked sorority girls and generally just being a dick to anything that walks or talks.

Apparently though, she managed to find out all on her own. Stefan turned up at the school to 'look after' Elena, although I don't much like his version of 'looking after' her. She wants us to do something about him but honestly I don't know what _to _do. But I go to her, of course I do. She calls, I come, remember?

She's working out at Ric's apartment when I get there, _"What are you gonna do, bench press a vampire?" – "Do you understand what's happening right now? Stefan called me a human blood bag. He's a completely different person" _yeah, I kinda picked up on that.

I come up behind her and press a little of my weight on the bar, _"What are you doing?" _helping. "_Come on Buffy" – "Damon stop it" _she drops the weight and I catch it before she crushes herself.

I actually think it's a _great _idea that she's training, it'll help her feel more in control and that's definitely a good thing. She's fighting back, getting stronger and her inner Petrova is coming out to play, good for her I say.

"_What's your plan oh warrior princess?" – "I wanna lock Stefan up, at least until this Mikael guy comes, kills Klaus and the compulsion breaks" – "Compulsion or not Stefan's high on human blood okay? A lot of it" – "We've gotten him off of it before" _well yeah but that was a whole other ball game. This is Ripper Stefan, his humanity is _gone_. He's checked out.

"_Then do it for me Damon" _anything. _"Every single time I look at him I feel like I'm gonna break and I'm not gonna give him that satisfaction" _damn right you're not. She starts to turn away and I reach out to take her wrist and bring her hand to my chest.

"_What are you doing?" _she asks but she doesn't pull away. _"Feel that? It's the sternum, solid plate of bone" _I take her wrist again and spin her into me so her back is pressed against my chest and my other hand is against her ribs.

"_Right here" _I slip my hand under her top and god she's so warm and it feels _amazing _to touch her. "_Just below the ribcage, there's a spot" _I'm practically whispering in her ear, and she's breathless and her heart is _racing. _"_That's your way to a vampire's heart" _I skim my fingers across her skin lightly before pulling my hand away.

"_I'll do whatever it is you need me to do Elena" _anything. I brush my face against her hair and let her go. Reluctantly. Oh how I don't want to let her go.

"_No one's gonna hurt you. Especially not my brother" _I'm not even sure she's fully aware of what I'm saying anymore because she's so focused on my lips, her eyes are glazed over and I can still hear her heart racing, and I can smell how turned on she is. And for a second I _swear_ she's going to kiss me because she's coming closer and closer but then she seems to snap back to reality and it's gone. Moment over.

There's a bonfire at the school tonight and Elena is filling Ric and Caroline in on the plan to detain Stefan. _"I'll lure Stefan away from the bonfire, then when he's distracted" – "I'll shoot him" _Ric finishes.

"_Can't Bonnie just juju him or something?" _I ask because yeah, I _really_ hate the thought of Elena being Stefan-bait. Again.

"_I'm trying to keep Bonnie out of this, I don't trust that Stefan won't hurt her" _right, but you _do _trust that he won't hurt _you_? I'm sorry; did she miss the part where he _fed _on her?

"_You're forgetting a key player here. Rebe__kah__? Wherever Stefan goes the blonde ponytail tends to follow" – "Which is why it's your job to keep her away" _huh? How am I meant to do that? _"Last time I checked we were out of daggers" – "So then pre-occupy her with your charm" _oh wonderful. So _I'm_ Rebekah bait? Great, just, great.

"_Might have better luck finding the dagger" – "Are you ever not gonna be mad at me Ric?" –"Doubtful" _dammit I miss my friend okay. Drinking alone is becoming kinda, lonely.

Lockwolf comes to join the take down party and Elena asks him to get enough vervain to keep Stefan incapacitated for a while. _"You can't do that to Stefan" _huh? "_Trust me Tyler it's in his best interest" – "but it's not in Klaus's" _uh-oh.

"_Why are you acting like some freaky hybrid slave minion?" _Blondie asks. Allow me to tell you, because he _is _a freaky, hybrid slave minion. I grab one of Ric's vervain darts and plunge it into Tyler; yep he's out of it.

"_He's been sired, he feels loyal to Klaus because Klaus' blood created him" _fucking sire bonds, hate those things. I'm assuming this one is formed of gratitude; it makes sense in Hybrids I guess.

"_Loyal how?" _Elena asks, _"He'll seek acceptance from his master. It's really r__are__ but maybe not so much in Hybrids" _vampire sire bonds are different, trust me I would know. Fucking Charlotte. But god I don't even want to think about that right now.

"_So how do we fix him?" – "get a new boyfriend" _and now I'm done with the teen-drama. All the players are ready so we can get on with the plan, eliminate a Stefan shaped problem.

I find Rebekah roasting marshmallows past a group of rowdy teenagers getting drunker by the second; they know they're on school property right? Still, I guess in Mystic Falls, underage drinking is the _least _of anyone's problems.

"_What? No friends your own age?" _Nope I am fresh outta those. _"Like you can talk" _what is she? Like a billion?

"_Is this supposed to be fun? I've been through ten of these" _she asks indicating her very burnt marshmallow. I take it from her and peel off the burnt bits "_...It's a little rough on the outside, but on the inside, yum" _ she's actually kinda pretty, for an Original killing machine, but honestly I'm more interested in how Elena feels with my playing bait to Barbie Klaus. I wonder if she hates is as much as I hate the thought of her and Stefan. Nah. Not possible, still, a man can hope.

"_Why are you being so nice to me?" _because I'm a sucker for Elena and I'll do anything she asks me to?

"_You hate me, you should be mean" – "Well I can be mean, if that's what you're in to" – "You're distracting me. Why?" – "Just trying to be a good house mate" – "There's never a fair fight between us Damon" _Shit. Ouch. Little bitch staked me, fuck. Ow.

Man, apparently I need to work on my seduction skills. Although, seemed to work out well enough on Elena earlier, so maybe not.

I need blood, gotta go home. Once I'm all healed up and re-energised I'm debating whether or not to go back to the bonfire or wait for them when they show up.

"_Give it to me I can do it" – "No let me do it. __Elena__ you almost got barbecued, least I can do is apply first aid" _so...yeah. While I was at home recovering from being staked, Elena was nearly burned to death in Ric's jeep. Something to do with ghosts and witches and a bunch of other crap I wasn't really paying attention to because I was still trying to recover from the 'nearly burned to death' bit of the story.

"_There" _I dab the antiseptic on her scratched face and it probably stings but she doesn't even flinch. _"You played your part of the plan really well tonight" _huh, she sounds a little _huffy_ about that.

"_Oh yeah?" – "Yeah you had Rebekah drooling all over you __and__ your marshmallows" _jealous. _Definitely _jealous. God how I love it.

"_Yeah before she skewered me" _because I was too busy thinking about you to pay any real attention to her.

"_Thought you were too drunk to notice" – "I was faking most of it" – "So was I" _and the air around us starts to feel thick again but at least this time we're not in my brother's room and if I just step a tiny litt-

"_Ready to get going Elena?" _No! Dammit. You have _got _to be kidding me man. People have the _worst_ timing around here. Okay, think positive thoughts Damon.

"_Great work tonight Ric, sorry about the car man, bummer" _and yeah, he's definitely still not talking to me. Maybe if I buy him a new car we'll be cool again.

Elena turns to look at me as she leaves and damn. I don't know _what's _going on with her, in that pretty little head of hers, with us, _between _us, but there's abso-fuckin-lutely _something_ going on. And hope springs eternal, even for me.

Who the hell knows? Maybe I do have a shot with the girl after all.

_Dear Diary,  
After Damon dropped me off at home last night I couldn't sleep, every time I closed my eyes all I could see was Klaus compelling Stefan to shut out his humanity and Stefan biting me. I wish Damon had stayed, but he didn't offer and I couldn't ask. Instead I asked Alaric to start training me. I am tired of being weak and defenceless; it's time to fight back. _

_Today was our first day back at school, it's the start of our senior year and it's also exactly one year since Stefan and I first met. I told Caroline and Bonnie that I'm ready to put it behind me, new year, new life, but I'm not. I'm not ready at all. I'm going to fix Stefan, somehow. We have to bring him back, the real him. He's a completely different person now; he called me a 'human blood bag' today!_

_So I called Damon to ask him to help me, I asked him to help me lock Stefan up until Mikael comes to kill Klaus, I asked him to do it for me because I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if we don't do something. And then, he took my hand and put it on his chest, and then he took me in his arms and his hands were on my side, and he was trying to tell me the way to a vampire's heart but I couldn't concentrate properly. _

_His fingers were moving across my skin and it felt __incredible__, and he was speaking so softly it felt like he was caressing me from head to toe and I literally had to bite my tongue to stop myself from moaning but then he took his hand away and I wanted him back. God I wanted him back, I wanted him everywhere, I just wanted...Damon. _

_And then he was talking and I didn't really catch much of what he was saying because I was so distracted, it's like I was burning, there was so much desire and god I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to kiss him desperately and I nearly did! I can't believe it. But then I stopped because I __can't__ do that. I had to stop. _

_At the bonfire, I was jealous watching Damon 'get his flirt on' with Rebekah, even Stefan could tell that I was jealous, although I denied it of course. It was my stupid idea after all, and I think now I understand, at least a little bit, why Damon hates the thought of using me to trick Stefan. _

_But I had to try __something__, and locking Stefan up seemed like the best idea. But of course it all backfired horribly. At least Stefan caught me when I fell, I guess what I did was risky but I really believed that he would catch me, if only because he was compelled by Klaus, and he did. Catch me. _

_And I swear, for just a second, it was the real Stefan. I saw it, I saw __him__, in his eyes, and I __know __he's still in there and I won't give up on him. But yeah, it all went downhill from there. _

_We put Stefan in Ric's jeep and then there was fire. So much fire, Ric couldn't get through it and I couldn't get the door open. I thought I was going to die and Stefan along with me. But he woke up and kicked the trunk open so we could get out and we went back to the house so I could see Damon. _

_I feel bad for him; I think he misses Ric, being his friend. Although I __definitely __didn't miss the look on his face when Ric interrupted us earlier, but it was probably for the best. Damon was taking care of my scratches and there was all that electricity in the room again and that's twice in one day that I nearly kissed Damon. _

_That I __wanted __to kiss him. But I __can't__. Everything is so messed up right now and I can't go there with Damon. We need to concentrate on fixing Stefan.  
Elena_


	45. Ghost World & Ordinary People

**A/N: Sorry I've been gone, life got in the way a little bit! Anyway Ghost World is summarised here and then we move on to Ordinary People. OP would have normally been a summarised episode were it not for the fact that it's one of my favourite episodes ever, so instead we pick up with Damon lying on Elena's bed waiting for her and he summarises the episode for you m'kay? Hope that makes sense...just read it and it will all become clear. I still own nothing. **

**Ghost World & Ordinary People**

_On the Night of Illumination, Mason Lockwood and other ghosts become corporeal and Mason gets a little revenge on Damon. Damon let's Bonnie know that something went wrong with her magic, "When I kill someone, they're supposed to stay dead" and she gets to work on fixing it with Caroline. "Please tell me that's a recipe for witch cookies."_

_Bonnie casts a spell to reveal 'veiled matter' i.e. ghosts. Elena catches Jeremy kissing Anna, Lexi comes to capture and save Stefan and Mason asks Damon for an apology. "I do a lot of things I don't __have__ to do." _

_Grams explains to Bonnie that to close the door to the Other Side she needs to destroy Elena's necklace. Lexi attempts to de-rippify Stefan and teach Elena how to save him. "That necklace represented hope" – "Ironic then, that it's about to get blown to pieces."_

_Damon gets a lesson in trust from Mason as they explore the Lockwood claves for Klaus related information. Elena confronts Jeremy about his relationship with Anna and tells him that he can't love a ghost forever which she then applies to her own situation with Stefan, telling him that he has to find his hope or he will lose her forever. _

_Caroline kicks some vampire ass when the ghosts of Founder's Day's Past try to attack Tyler's mother, Anna says goodbye to Jeremy and reunites with her mother, Bonnie and grams cast the spell to send the ghosts away. "You are stronger than all of this."_

_Damon calls Ric to help him find out what's in the vampire-free zone and regurgitates his apology with more sincerity. Team Badass reunites. _

**Ordinary People**

"**Your heartbeat, helps me sleep  
Your breath soothes my soul  
I love you more than I knew I could ever love someone"**

All in all I'd say that this day has been rather successful and as I lie in Elena's bed waiting for her, I'm really feeling rather positive about our future 'Kill Klaus' operation.

Ric is talking to me again and this morning we took Elena to the caves to show her what Mason found upon his, thankfully brief, foray into the land of the living. There's a whole buncha drawings carved into the walls down there which pretty effectively detail the birth and life story of the Originals.

There was one unexpected name up on that wall though. Mikael. Or as I now like to call him, _"Papa Original" _who'd have thought? The one who's gonna kills Klaus is his daddy. Sorta.

So while Ric was trying to put the pieces of the Original puzzle together, Pictionary style, I helped Elena with her vamp-training and then she decided to go _"straight to the source" _Rebekah. And while she took on _that _unpleasant job, I went to pay a visit to my little bro.

Aaand, then I let him out. Yeah. Elena's _probably_ gonna be pissy about that part, especially after all her hard work getting him all locked down in the first place, but honestly I just couldn't stand seeing him locked up in there. And I am _not _a proponent of the Lexi method. It's like putting a band-aid on the problem and hoping the cracks don't start pushing through regardless. Which, inevitably, they will, because they always do.

If I've said it once I've said it a million times, Stefan needs to learn control, moderation, in short terms: how to be a better vampire. And he's not gonna learn locked up in a damn jail cell or wallowing in his own self-pity for the rest of, oh I don't know, _eternity_.

'Course he's probably not gonna learn much of anything until the switch is fully returned to the upright and locked position but I figured we'd get a head start on the process, maybe throw in some brother bonding while we were at it.

So I took him to a little dive-bar outside of Mystic Falls, well I didn't want him chewing on the locals! There's only so much grief I'll take from Elena for my brother's sake. Point is, I took him to this bar, and we had a nice time, relatively speaking.

A little blood, a lotta alcohol, some dancing with pretty girls, drinking games and a few life lessons from me thrown in for good measure. _"I happen to like the edge Stefan. Your problem is your inability to resist falling over it. You're all or nothing man, you can't just...be" _yeah turns out my brother's actually kinda...half fun to be around when he's not acting like a complete douche. Yeah. Everything was going great. Until it wasn't.

Mikael. He somehow managed to track us down to the shittiest bar in the world. Said he can kill Klaus, that he has a weapon, but of course to kill Klaus we actually need him to be present. And apparently that's where I came in, or more to the point, that's where my _heart_ came in.

Due to Klaus's rather annoying compulsion on my brother, Stef couldn't tell Mikael where Klaus is, so to provide a little...incentive, Papa Original threatened to pull a classic Damon. On Damon. Heart snatch.

Thankfully after a rather disturbing version of Twenty Questions my brother managed to find both a shred of his humanity _and _a way around the compulsion. He pulled through for me, although I would have appreciated it if he had been a _little _quicker, but the point is, he did. He told Mikael that he can lure Klaus back to Mystic Falls.

After creepy Papa Original left I decided it was time for Stef and me to get outta there too, and then I decided that it'd be kinda fun to kick my brother's ass as well. What? He pissed me off, and no brother bonding is complete without a good ass kicking.

He asked me why I was doing it; trying to save him. So I told him. I have to. Because he's in this mess because of me, because he saved my life, because he gave up his life for mine. So I guess really I was more pissed off with myself than him, also a good reason for kicking ass.

And all of these events led me to the only place I wanted to be, to the place I find my peace. Waiting for Elena. Normally I'd use the window seat but I figure we've progressed far enough in our relationship for me to use the bed. And I guess we're about to find out because she's coming back.

Right. About. Now.

"_Uh, Damon, seriously?" _ye-ep. I got news and lot's of it. Come let me share.

"_We got Mikael" – "What? How?" _well _that_ part I'm not entirely clear on actually but _"I guess Katherine came through" _at least the girl has finally done something worthwhile in her life.

"_The plan's in motion. See? I told you I __had__ it"_ oh dear, she does have her judgy eyes on so I guess I'm not gonna get out of this totally unscathed, but you know what? That's okay. Today is a good day. Give or take a harrowing moment or two, so I'll let her say her piece.

"_Go ahead. Kick, yell, scream, I'm sure you've been planning you're rant aaall day" – "I'm not gonna yell at you" _you're not? Well that's, unexpected. 

"_Why not? I went behind your back, freed Stefan and you know what? It backfired; he's an even bigger dick than ever. It's just now, he's a dick that's on our side" _she's trying to get the covers out from under me and it's kinda cute 'cause she's getting all flustered.

"_I'm not mad, I'm tired I just...I wanna go to bed" _yeah she does look tired, but I'm not done sharing yet.

"_You know, I think Mikael's weapon's a stake..." _and then she surprises me. She gives up trying to salvage the covers and just climbs on in the damn bed. Beside me.

"_I think I got Rebekah on our side too" _huh. How'd _that_ happen?

"_I learned that she's just a girl. That she lost her mom too young and she loves blindly and recklessly; even if it consumes her" _Elena stops for timeless moments and she won't look at me but I wonder if she's thinking about Rebekah. Or herself. 'Cause honestly it could probably be either.

Seriously, leave it to Elena to find a way to relate to Barbie Klaus, I bet if you left this girl in a room with _Klaus_ for long enough she'd find a way to identify with him too. Not that that's ever gonna happen. Ever.

"_But when all is said and done, there's nothing more important than the bond of family" _I turn over on the bed to face her, _"you should tell that to my brother" _and she gives me a lovely little smile.

"_I'm not mad at you Damon" _and then she switches off the light. _"I think that you're gonna be the one to save him from himself. It won't be because he loves me, it'll be because he loves you" _huh, I dunno about that. I mean, yeah, he found a way around the compulsion an-

"_Can I tell you the rest tomorrow?" _she asks as she snuggles into her pillow and man, she is just _full_ of surprises tonight.

"_Sure" _I can't believe she's actually just...letting me stay. I guess I was right, our relationship really _has _progressed. Yep. It's been a damn good day.

_Dear Diary,  
It's been a really long day and now I can't sleep. Even though I'm exhausted. I went to see Rebekah today after Damon and Ric found the story of her life in the Lockwood caves. Rebekah told me her family story. Her mother was a witch and she cast the spell to turn them into vampires. And her father, Mikael, he killed them, all of his children. _

_When Klaus turned they learnt the truth about his heritage, his werewolf side and all of her life Rebekah believed that her father killed her mother in retaliation for her betrayal. Only he didn't. It was Klaus, I told her the truth and honestly I felt sorry for her. But I think she's on our side now. _

_And then we get to the reason that I can't sleep. Damon is in my bed. Asleep. _

_When I came through after my shower he was waiting for me, he told me what happened today with Stefan, and that we got Mikael. He is going to kill Klaus. At first I tried to get him to move but he wouldn't budge so I just gave up and got into bed. It shouldn't be this big a deal but it is. _

_Because I __like__ it. It's comforting, it feels safe and normal. It feels __right__. But it shouldn't. Sometimes, okay __most__ of the time, when I'm around Damon I can't think properly. I feel like I can't breathe properly. It's like all I see is him, he's all I can focus on and that scares me. It terrifies me actually. _

_In other ways it's a good thing because if I'm focused on Damon then I don't have to think too much about all the other ways my life has fallen apart. I don't have to think about Stefan. And of course when I do think about Stefan I feel guilty as sin. Although technically I've done __nothing __to feel guilty over, and we're not even together. But I do, feel guilty. _

_But Damon. Damon is sleeping in my bed and he looks so beautiful, so peaceful. In a totally strange way he looks like he belongs here, in my bed. _

_And is it wrong that I r__eally __want to reach out and touch him right now? Yes Elena. Wrong. Don't do it. _

_It's just the tiredness talking that's all. I really need to try and sleep. _

_Only, it doesn't __feel__ like it would be wrong...  
Elena_


	46. Homecoming

**A/N: Thanks for the lovely responses to OP. Right, so because Homecoming was split into like, two nights with flashbacks or something, god knows, point is Damon is once again sort of recapping what happened earlier in the episode and we pick up with him and Elena making weapons. So, essentially another 'Damon summarises' bit, I'm thinking there might be a few of these in S3! I do not own the Vampire Diaries yadda, yadda, yadda and from now on I am not including this disclaimer. I think we all get the point by now. **

**Homecoming **

"**I need something only you can give  
'Cause tonight's the night the world begins again"**

Oh yes, D-Day is upon us. Homecoming. Rah-Rah Go Team and all that...jazz. Point is, 'Kill Klaus' day has arrived and we're gonna do some Klaus killin'. Ooh yeah it's a good day!

Barbie Klaus is down in the lounge getting girly for homecoming, and waiting for her daddy to wake up and Elena and I are preparing weapons. I'm sorry, Elena is fiddling with weapons. _I _am preparing wolfsbane grenades.

Stefan made a call to Klaus, who was in Portland, by the way, to tell him that his dear daddy kicked the bucket. Of course we had to find a way around the compulsion that he's sure to use on Stef to garner the truth of the situation so Elena daggered Mikael to make it real.

Watching that happen was both difficult and fascinating. Difficult because every particle of my body was screaming 'danger' and I really wanted to stop it, but also fascinating because she's _so_ brave, so beautiful. And again, this girl would make for one _magnificent _vampire. It's almost a shame she doesn't want to _be _one.

Mikael told us that he has a stake, made from the White Oak tree before they burnt it to the ground. See? I _knew_ he had a stake; but much more important we _finally _have a weapon to kills Klaus with.

Of course Klaus demanded to see Mikael so that part of the plan worked out well, he also asked to talk to Rebekah for confirmation and she held up her end of the deal. And now Klaus is coming back. We kill him at homecoming. Easy. Peasy.

"_We can't trust Rebekah not to turn on us" _she speaks! And that's obviously what she's been worrying her pretty little head over for the last 20 minutes. _"Oh really?" – "Bonnie was right. Rebekah may be mad at Klaus now but he is her brother" _yeah, I do have some experience in that field myself. So what'cha gonna do about it?

"_Wolfsbane's ready" _I tell her as she joins me in the bathroom. _"There are too many things that can go wrong with this plan. Too many people that can make it go wrong" _hey now who do you think you're talking to?

"_Well __I__ am formulating a secret contingency plan" _yep, I got backup plans comin' out of my ears. I know I'm normally the crazy, impulsive one but _this?_ This requires precision, planning and think first, second _and t_hird before acting.

Elena wants to know my plan but I indicate my head towards the rest of the house, the walls have ears around this place. Ears with hyper-advanced hearing at that.

And Stefan, right on cue. _"I need to borrow a tie" _get your own! _"You have your own ties" –"I'm 164 years old and I'm going to a homecoming dance. I need better ties" _nope. You need a better attitude brother. Lighten up; it's a good day!

"_You could not go" _Elena pipes up but I already got that part covered.

"_I'm compelled to protect you, and if I look at your track record at high school dances it's pretty tragic. With my luck you'll go and get yourself murdered by the homecoming queen" _he does kinda have a point actually, she really _does_ have a bad track record with school dances.

Hopefully by the time we reach Prom there will be _no _problems. Hey a man can dream, right? 'Course Stefan doesn't have to be such a dick about it, and I got Elena covered to. Let's just say it's been a busy morning okay?

"_Ah!" _I tap Elena on the hand when I realise she's started trying to put one of my grenades together. _"I know how to do it, Alaric taught me" _she insists. _"Elena; this thing blows up in our face just remember only one of us heals quickly" _and I _really_ don't ever want to go through that whole forcing my blood on her debacle again. Ever.

Stefan comes back with my ties, you know, the one I _didn't _say he could take. _"Please tell me that you have a better plan than __wolfsbane__ grenades?" _well wouldn't you like to know? But that is for me to know and you to...well you get the idea.

I pass Elena the now safe to hold wolfsbane while Stefan prattles on about his freedom from Klaus.

"_You're the one that we should be worried about. If Klaus asks you __one__ wrong question; the whole thing falls apart" _ah 'Lena, don't worry. I got it all figured out.

Elena adds her own touch of excellence to my plan with her own plan to take out Barbie Klaus. She still has the dagger from when she took out Mikael and she goes to dagger Rebekah. Clever girl, deviously, devilishly clever. I'm waiting at the bottom of the stairs just in case Rebekah figures out something is up so I hear their conversation.

"_This is my first high school dance" _she tells Elena. How is that even possible? You live for 1000 years and never go to high school? Although, truth be told she's not exactly missing out on much anyway.

"_I've spent my whole life loving and hating my brother with equal measure. I never thought that I'd be the one to help drive a stake through his heart" _oh look, yet another thing I have in common with an Original. Well, the first part at least.

But I get it. And what Elena is going to do is the right thing to do. Because if it were _me_ and someone was trying to kill my brother? Yeah, you'd have to take me out too. Family is family. No matter what.

Doesn't mean I feel bad for Rebekah. Klaus has to die. It's the only way to protect _my _family, but I get it all the same.

I hear Barbie Klaus's desperate gasp for air and Elena's heartfelt apology _"I'm so sorry; I can't leave anything to chance either" _and then I come and cover Rebekah up. Elena did good.

"_In the back? Harsh" _I tease her because she's clearly upset with herself.

"_It had to be done. Rebekah was never gonna be completely on our side" _well you don't have to explain yourself to me honey. _"Hey I'm not judging you_. _It was very __Katherine __of you" – "Not the way to make me feel better about myself, Damon" –"It was a __compliment__. Sort of." _

Well it's the truth, and with Elena, with us, it's always the truth. If nothing else, we tell each other the truth. And it _was_ a very Katherine-esque thing to do. Completely valid reasons but it doesn't negate the truth.

"_Stefan's right" _she huffs _"someone's gonna let their humanity get in the way and screw this whole thing up and it's probably gonna be me" _and now we approach the part of my plan that she's _probably_ not gonna be too thrilled about.

"_We need a better plan" _she says after a brief who's-who of who we trust and who we don't. _"Oh I know what to do, you're just not gonna like it" – "Why not?" _

"_Because when this all goes down I don't want you having __any__ part of it" _yeah. This bit. The bit where she has to stay home and miss her homecoming dance. The bit where Katherine comes in. Honestly, sometimes, okay, very infrequently I _love_ doppelganger hijinks.

"_What does that mean?" _she asks, but I have a better question. A _much_ more important one.

"_Do you trust me?" – "Yes"_

Amazing, what one little word can do to a man's heart. She trusts me. _She _trusts _me_. She _trusts_ me. With _no_ hesitation. And that's really all that matters.

"_Then you have nothing to worry about" _I send Elena on home with a promise that I'll come pick her up as soon as it's over, and that went a _lot_ better than I expected.

Now it's time to begin executing the rest of my plan. I need to get the stake from Mikael, Klaus is at the Lockwood mansion and I'm the only available one who can enter the house.

"_Change of plan" _Stefan says as he comes rushing in, _"he wants your body delivered to his doorstep"_ he tells Mikael. _"He's certainly not gonna come here, hope your __plan__ didn't depend on that" _nope. Definitely did not. Everything is coming together nicely.

"_Didn't depend on that" – "But you __do__ have a plan right?" _oh brother, yeah I got a plan all right. _"Just doesn't involve __you__." _

Mikael is _eating_ my brother. What the _fuck?_ I said take him out, not eat him!

"_You couldn't just break his neck?" – "Well it certainly occurred to me" _o-kay. Next time I'll take my own damn brother out. I grab my weapons bag and head out after Mikael and while he goes to reconnect with his long-lost son, I head for the main entrance.

"_Invite only, vampire" _fucking hybrids. Who needs them? Oh that's right, no one.

"_Here's my RSVP. Hybrid" _ye-ep ripped his heart out and. Dead. Next!

I grab Lockwolf as he's coming down the stairs and direct him to an empty room, informing him that the hybrids don't exactly make for a great first impression. _"Whatever move you're making Klaus is gonna be ready for you. He'll kill __everyone__ at this party if he has to" _nope, not if he doesn't get the chance to. _"Tell someone who cares." _

I grab his neck so I can snap it and put him out of his misery for the night but he starts trying to bite me. No thank you! So I shove him away from me and into the wall. Yep. He needs to die now. Sorry Blondie.

Or. Not.

Fuck! Burning. Burning in my brain. _"Bonnie" _Jesus witch! _"What the hell is wrong with you? You weren't supposed to witchy migraine __me__" - "You weren't supposed to kill Tyler"_ but he tried to _eat _me. Again! I mean, I let it go the first time but seriously, how many free passes am I supposed to give out around here?

I reach down to grab the White Oak stake _"What is that? Oh my god is that the-"– "Shhh!" _god it's not like we're in a house full of supernatural creatures or anything!

Okay. Tyler's out of it now. Katherine's with Mikael. Stefan's down. And I am ready. Plan's pulling together perfectly. I move closer to the front door where Klaus and Mikael are reuniting. Klaus has hybrids surrounding the house, honestly where did he find them all? And then Mikael brings out Katherine.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's _not_ Elena as they casually discuss killing her. Klaus tells Mikael to go ahead and kill her, well, 'tells' isn't really the right word to use here. Screams, would be more appropriate really. And Mikael does. Kill her. _Katherine. Not_ Elena. Only not even Mikael knows that part. And now? Well when I'm done killing Klaus, let's just say I wouldn't mind facing off with Papa Original afterwards.

Enter Damon. Killing Katherine was the distraction that I needed to get an edge on Klaus and I only have one clear shot at this. So I run for him and stake him. And I missed. Fuck I missed. Seriously that shit was bad! And I'm usually perfect, with my aim, I mean. But I've got him on the ground so I yank it back out and _now _I'm going to kill hi-

Stefan? What the fuck? _"What are you __doing__?" _

Klaus grabs the stake from the ground and clearly has much better aim than I do because he takes out Papa Original in one fell swoop. Stefan is still holding me down, _"what the hell did you d_o?" – "_He's earned his freedom" _what?

I don't care. I am _so_ far gone from that house, and Klaus. Who's probably gonna kill me now.

Where did I go wrong? What did I mess up this time? _How_ did I mess up this time? What the fuck just happened?

I head over and pick up Elena, partly because I promised her I would come for her and partly because I need to. I need her right now. So I pick her up and drive her back to the house with me in silence.

I need about 10 drinks before I can even _begin_ to explain this night. _"How did this happen?" _she asks when I have explained, or, tried to anyway.

"_I thought of __everything__ Elena. Klaus having hybrids, Mikael turning on us, we brought in Katherine so __you__ weren't in danger. __Anything__ that could have gone wrong we were prepared for" _I had backup plans for my backup plans. I've never been so damn prepared for _anything_ in my entire life. Except for my own damn brother. That? No. That I was not prepared for.

"_I don't understand, Stefan wanted Klaus dead more than anything. That's what we were counting on" _yeah well apparently my brother is a much better liar than I _ever_ gave him credit for. _"We blew it."_

"_Where's Katherine?" _gone. A hundred miles and probably an entire continent gone soon enough. _"She ran for the hills like usual, the minute things got bad. And who blames her? Klaus would have crushed her" _we should all be so clever. He will come for _all_ of us now.

"_I had him, Elena. I __had__ Klaus. This could have __all__ been over" _I turn and throw my bottle into the fireplace. What is fucking _wrong_ with me? How could I mess this up? I mean, aside from my initial atrocious aim of course.

"_Hey, Damon, hey" _Elena reaches out to me but I shrug her off _"hey listen to me" _she demands and grabs my arm, and then her hands, her hands are on my face and I'm stuck. Trapped by the never-ending depths of her eyes and the reassuring weight of _her_ hands on me, calming me, soothing me, burning me.

"_We'll survive this. We __always__ survive" _and her sincerity shines in her eyes and drips on her words and I _believe_ her. "_Trust me" _I do. I always have. Okay. Yes. We will be okay. And I do, feel calmer now. We will be okay.

My brother on the other hand? _"We're never getting Stefan back; you know that, don't you?" – "Then we'll let him go. Okay? We'll have to let him go" _okay who are you and what have you done with Elena? Is she serious? But her hands are still _on_ me and it burns in an oh-so nice way and she _sounds_ serious so I nod and give her a little smile.

And then my phone rings. Why does this always happen? Will there ever come a time when I can be alone in a room with Elena _without_ being interrupted? Elena takes her hands off of me and moves away so I can take the call.

"_Not interested in a play-by-play of our failure right now Katherine" _she says she's calling to say goodbye and tells me that I had a good plan, which I _know_ but does nothing to comfort me right now.

This was not a good day. This was so much of the very worst kind of days. This has been a no good, _very_ bad day. But at least I have Elena. She is the light in an otherwise atrociously bleak night.

_Dear Diary,  
Today was supposed to be the day that Klaus died. Why is it that nothing can ever go to plan, for once, in our lives? _

_Everything started off well enough, I had to dagger Mikael to make Klaus believe that he was dead and draw him back to Mystic Falls. Damon came up with a brilliant plan, honestly I was really proud of him, despite the fact that it failed; it was still a pretty damn brilliant plan. And it wasn't Damon's fault that it failed. _

_I also daggered Rebekah because I knew that we couldn't trust her, we had to kill Klaus, it was our only chance and he is still her brother. So I did it, I daggered her, for the greater good. But it was horrible and I feel terribly, terribly guilty for doing it and it was all for nothing anyway!_

_Damon asked me today if I trust him, and I replied with no hesitation, yes; I do trust him. I trust him more than anyone really. Which is kind of crazy no matter which way you look at it but it's the truth. That's when he told me that I had to miss the dance, I think he was worried that I was going to be upset about that but Stefan kind of had a point when he made his observation about my track record at high school dances. It is quite bad, and it's just a dance that I didn't have a date for anyway, I really didn't care that much. Besides, there's always prom._

_Anyway, Damon brought in Katherine to play me and everything went according to plan, until Damon was about to kill Klaus and then Stefan stopped him. Stefan! It is Stefan's fault that Klaus is still alive, and probably going to come and kill us all. Why would he do that? How could he betray us like that? Damon said that we are never getting him back and I said that we have to let him go. We at least have to start the process, because the Stefan we know, love, is really gone now. _

_Damon was so upset tonight, and I knew, that it was my turn. My turn to be strong for Damon instead of the other way around, because he was angry and vulnerable, and scared, and Damon doesn't handle that well. But I forced him to listen to me, I told him to trust me, that we would survive this. And we will. I don't know how but I know that we will. Together.  
Elena_


	47. The New Deal

**A/N: Technically you weren't going to get this chapter until tomorrow, but I worked out the kinks today so that I could bring it to you all a day early. I hope you appreciate me for it, in the form of reviews. I love those things; they're like cotton candy for the soul! I'll be quiet now, because I'm pretty sure we *all* know what's in this chapter! P.S – It's *really* long! **

**The New Deal**

"**It's everything you wanted; it's everything you don't.  
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed.  
Some prayers find an answer; some prayers never know.  
We're holding on and letting go"**

Well, I for one am feeling decidedly pessimistic today which is my main excuse for morning, day and night drinking, but really, who the hell needs excuses for drinking after the Homecoming dance that _wasn't_? Not me that's for sure.

Klaus is still out there, _alive_, biding his time I'm sure before he comes to pick us all off, and of course we're all just sitting around _waiting _for him to do it because no one took me seriously when I suggested we all pack up and get the hell outta dodge. Only I wasn't actually joking.

And who the hell knows where my brother is hiding, he got his freedom and ran for the hills. Probably joined Katherine up there, knowing 'no humanity' Stefan. And then there's me. Stuck here. Waiting. To die.

Hell yeah I'm drinking.

"_All right you have your choice: Bloody Mary, Screwdriver breakfast in a bottle?" _silence greets me from Ric's bar stool. _"Come on Ric I can't drink all this by myself" _well I _could_ but that's entirely not the point. I have a drinking buddy for a reason. Drinking!

"_It's the __eve__ of Klaus-ageddon and you're doing homework?" _come on man, we're all gonna die. Let's at least live a little first.

Ric says he's here to see Baby Gilbert and the girl behind the bar informs us that he's been fired. Combine that with the 'F' grade on his latest history paper and we are gonna have one _pissed off_ Elena Gilbert on our hands over there.

Yep, she's got her grumpy voice on as she leaves him a voicemail. _"You're feisty when you're mad" _it's always been one of my favourite things about her. _"I'm worried" _why? It's not that big a deal is it?

"_He's spiralling. Ever since Bonnie broke up with him he's just moody, he's not really talking to anyone" _well, first of all that's kinda what you get for cheating on your witch girlfriend with your ghost ex-girlfriend, and secondly that sounds like a _"typical teenager" _to me.

"_Who's been seeing ghosts and has lost __everyone__ that he cares about" _ah-ah _"not everyone" _I say turning away from her and back to the dartboard. _"He still has __you__" _just like me, Elena is all I have left now. Although to be fair, I didn't have _all_ that many other people to begin with.

"_You okay?" _she asks softly, because apparently my deflection skills work brilliantly on everyone who is _not_ Elena. _"What makes you think I'm not okay?" _I ask instead of directly answering her question because no, I am most assuredly _not_ okay, and no I don't wanna talk about it.

"_Well, you're day-drunk, it's not exactly you're most attractive look" _huh, well _that's_ interesting. _"What __is__ my most attractive look?" _I ask as I walk over to her and do the 'eye-thing' that she loves to hate. Or hates to love, one or the other.

"_Ah, ah, I'm not saying that you have __any__ attractive looks, I'm just saying that this is my least favourite one" _yeah her deflection skills _suck_ too because I can hear how quickly her heart is racing. God I love that, seriously, it's one of the best things about being a vampire.

"_Noted. I'll see if I can make any __improvements__"_ I really would like to kno-

"_Don't mind me" _shit. Klaus. I take a quick step so that I'm shielding Elena at least a little bit.

"_You're gonna do this at the __Grill__?" _I don't wanna die at the damn Grill! He coulda come up with something a little more...fitting, right? _"It's a little beneath you, don't you think?" – "I don't know what you're talking about. I just came down to my local pub to grab a drink with a mate" _he turns to look at his...slave, I'm assuming, and Elena's sharp little breath lets me know that something else is going on there.

"_My sister seems to be missing, need to sort that out" _oh well, we wouldn't know anything about that. _"Cute, blonde bombshell? Psycho? Shouldn't be too hard to find" _Klaus walks over to me and takes my darts, says he 'fancies' a home here which sounds distinctly _unpleasant _for us.

"_As long as I get what I want and everyone behaves themselves you can go on living your little lives however you choose" _he turns to Elena, _"you have my word" _and she asks the question _I _want to know the answer to.

"_What more could you possibly want?" – "Well for starters you can tell me where I might find Stefan" _he's gotten a little too close to Elena for my liking, although I'm perfectly aware that of all of us she's the _only_ one he won't actually kill.

"_Stefan skipped town the second he saved your ass" _I tell him as I come to stand in front of her again, _"well you see that is a shame. Your brother __stole__ from me. I need him found so I can take back what's mine" _what the hell could Stefan possible have stolen from Klaus? And more to the point, why?

"_That sounds like a Klaus and Stefan problem" _my brave, _brave_ girl speaks up and Klaus starts to walk towards her but I move in front of her again. Seriously I think it's just become an involuntary reaction. I don't think about it. I don't hesitate. I see danger to Elena. I act.

Klaus smiles and laughs under his breath _"well this is me broadening the scope sweetheart" _he responds to Elena.

Okay. She needs to go home, where she is safe, right now. She can go sort out her brother and I can go try and find mine. I wonder if Bonnie could do a locater spell on him since I'm clearly getting nowhere fast calling him incessantly.

I'm pouring myself another drink and contemplating 'attractive looks' when an unwelcome presence makes himself known in my house.

"_I think it's about time we had a drink, don't you?" _Klaus. He's very, cavalier, considering I _just_ tried to end him. Question is, what does he want?

"_You've been busy, what with all you're plotting and scheming" – "You know me. Never miss a chance to plan an __epic__ failure" _and now we're _discussing _said death-attempt. This is getting weird.

"_Don't be so hard on yourself, who could have guessed your own brother would betray you?" _yeah see, that's the point that's still bugging the hell out of me. I don't understand why he did it. I mean I _know _my brother and he _wanted_ Klaus dead. He's just not that good a liar.

Klaus asks again if I know where Stefan is hiding out but I really don't and even if I did I wouldn't tell him. I fix myself another drink, liberally dosed with vervain. Yum! And what I _really _want to know is what Stefan took from him.

"_He __stole__ something?" – "My family, The Originals. I had them daggered, boxed up awaiting the day when I saw fit to wake them and he went in and pinched the bloody lot" _right, well that's not creepy at all. And wow, my brother has _guts_ who'd have thought? Still does nothing to explain _why_ though.

"_Of course he did. Ah, such a buzz-kill my baby bro. Well I'd love to find him, just, the trouble is I sure as hell don't work for you" _and I want to find him for completely different, yet valid, reasons.

"_Perhaps I wasn't clear enough when I told you to find Stefan. Oh well, it seems you people respond best to displays of violence. Why don't you take this as an example of my reach" _he takes his phone out and oh god who is he calling? I do _not_ like displays of violence. Okay that's a lie. I do not like _Klaus _violence.

Jeremy fucking Gilbert. He compelled Jeremy to stand in front of a speeding hybrid. The same hybrid who was following Elena this morning as she finally informs me. Why didn't she tell me this earlier? Hybrid needs to die now.

"_How is he?" _I ask Elena as I walk into the house. Ric's dead right now; he pushed Baby Gilbert out of the way. _"He had his ring. Now we just wait" _she responds. Yeah, it took quite a while the last time; we probably _should_ get that ring checked out.

"_Jeremy? Why aren't you wearing vervain?" _at the _least_. Honestly we should all just be inhaling the stuff what with all this compulsion flying around the place. "_Where's your bracelet?" – "I don't know" _Elena tells us that it was Tyler who must have taken the bracelet and I tell them what I learned from Klaus's impromptu visit.

"_Coffins?" _Elena asks when I'm done. _"Yep, so all we have to do is find 4 coffins and __voila!__ No one else on your family's Christmas card list needs to die" _I hope. Because honestly that list is becoming desperately, depressingly, short.

"_Wait, that's your big plan? To steal back 4 dead Originals so this evil hybrid doesn't kill me and everyone else we know?" _well, yes Jeremy, essentially.

"_You got a __better__ idea?" – "Yeah. Let's get the hell outta here, pack our bags and go" – "Hey Jeremy calm down" – "No, no I'm not gonna __calm__ down Elena. This happens every time no matter what we do. None of us are gonna make it out of this town alive" _yeah well he might be _right_ but I already tried that suggestion and no one was too willing to listen to me then so I somehow doubt that much has changed.

"_He said he wants his family back" _yeah Elena, that's what...no! _"No. I know what you're thinking. The answer's no"_ Rebekah, that's what she's thinking. Absolutely not. "_"First thing she does is kill you. Frying pan; fire. __Not__ an option." _

"_Klaus's coffins" _huh _"How many did you say there were?" _how did we get from Rebekah to the coffins? I'm confused!

Elena comes back inside after a minute and fills me in, making me less, confused. Not only does she know where the coffins are, she also knows where my brother is. Apparently he's been having a little help from a witch, or a hundred.

We get up to the witches house and almost as soon as we're inside I'm burning in the damn sun again. _"Really, still?" _Elena tells me to go wait outside, _"I'm __not__ leaving until I know if he's here"_ ah dammit. I run back outside and listen in on their conversation. No not because I'm a dick but because she's alone with Stefan and who the hell knows what rule book that boy is playing from right now.

It does not go...well. Their conversation that is. Elena tells Stefan what happened with Jeremy but my brother apparently doesn't care and gets a slap across the face for his words. Better him than I is all I can say.

"_That didn't go over well" _I say as Elena comes storming out "_don't even __start__ Damon" –"let me talk to him" _and knock some sense into him. _"You __can't__ get in, the witches won't let you" – "here" _I take her hand and give her my keys. _"You go deal with your brother. __I'll__ deal with mine"_ and the damn witches. I wonder if she knows how much of a big deal it is that I just gave her my car. _Nobody_ drives my car. Ever. Yep. I really love this girl.

And now I have a pain in the ass brother to sort out. I run through the house as quickly as possible but it still burns and hurts like hell. Better be worth it. _"Wow that was impressive, but the coffins aren't here so...you can go away now" _yeah you wish brother.

"_I don't care about the __coffins__. We need to talk" _I stand up right in the middle of a ray of sunlight. God dammit! _"Okay let's talk" _well yeah but not _here_, there's no space! _"Nothing's ever easy with you is it?" _I grab him and rush up the stairs and finally out of the fucking death-trap house.

As he tries to get off the ground I kick him back down and grab a branch from the nearest tree to use as a makeshift stake which I waste no time in plunging into his stomach. _"__That__ is for my screwing up my plan. You stopped me from killing Klaus and you steal his family: __why__? It doesn't make __sense__" _I twist the branch a little and he's screaming in pain _"__answer __me_."

"_Piece by piece Klaus took everything from me; I'm doing the same to him" _nope not good enough. Not the _truth_.

"_But I __had__ him Stefan. Why'd you screw it up?" _I ask and twist the branch a third time.

"_I did it to save you" _wha-

My momentary distraction allows Stefan to push me away from him and I go flying backwards onto the ground.

"_What? __No__. No way. You didn't do this for me" _'it'll be because he loves you'

"_He was one step ahead of us. If Klaus died his hybrids would have killed you" _'you'll be the one to save him from himself'

"_When are you gonna get it through your head? __Stop__ saving me" _'it'll be because he loves you'.

Elena's voice, Elena's words run on a loop through my mind.

My brother saved my life. Again. He found his humanity. Put aside his desire for Klaus's destruction. For me. And then he took his family for revenge. Really it's rather...okay I'm a little proud I admit it. Hell I would've done _exactly_ the same thing.

Stef won't admit why he saved me but I _know_ so instead I convince him to let me in on the revenge games which means going back inside the witches house. Only they're not hurting me now because I'm on their side, yep there's nothing like a common enemy to make former foes, friends. Or in this case, to make dead witches amenable. Such fickle little things; witches, and they are hiding the coffins so now we're all allies. Dead witches, my stupid ass brother, and me; what a team.

Then I get a frantic phone call from an Elena who is about to fall to pieces. Jeremy killed the hybrid from earlier on their front porch and Ric is in the hospital due to a somewhat faulty 'come back to life' ring.

I head to the hospital first and heal Ric up with some of my blood, he owes me one. Maybe I should just donate some blood to the cause, give them a few bottles of it to carry around in case anyone else tries to kill someone I love at any given moment. After disposing of the headless hybrid I head back to see Elena.

"_How are __you__?" – "I think I got most of the blood off the porch" – "Elena" _that's not what I asked. _"__Look__ at me" _please. She turns around to face me, _"It's gonna be okay" _I tell her. We'll figure it out.

"_I have to tell you something. I uh, made a deal with Klaus. I gave him Rebekah" – "What? No no no no, you did not do that" _but she did. She says Klaus won't let Rebekah kill her and that she didn't have any other choice, she did it for her brother.

"_It's not right. It's not fair. He's 16 years old, he shouldn't have to live like this" _she says and I _know_ but what can we do? It is what it is.

"_Elena" – "There has to be another way. We have to fix this" – "We will" _I come up behind her and turn off the water that she's hoping will cover the sound of her tears. _"Hey, Elena, hey" _I spin her around gently so she's looking at me again and clasp her face between my hands _"we will" _I promise her. We'll fix it. Somehow.

Or, _I'll_ fix it. Elena finds another way. Compulsion. Yep that's always good for fixing problems.

"_Your sister thinks we should have another one of our little talks" _I tell Jeremy and I compel him. To Denver of all places. Ric tells me to tell Jer to leave Mystic Falls behind and never think twice about it but I look to Elena for guidance. Jeremy is her brother after all, but she nods, and I compel. _"You're gonna have a better life Jeremy" _at least we're getting _someone_ the hell outta dodge.

I follow Elena out on to the very well cleaned porch. Really, the girl did almost as good a job of it as I would have. _"I feel like a horrible person" – "You just saved his life Elena. Take it from me, estranged is bad; dead is worse" _she brings up the fact that we compelled him before but it's _not_ a big deal and I refuse to let her torture herself for protecting the people she loves.

"_He's so lucky to have you for his sister" _I tell her as I come to stand by her. And I understand that she feels guilty, but at least he'll be alive to hate her if it comes to that. She's really just taking a page out of my playbook. What Baby Gilbert said earlier was right, and Elena's made the right choice, even if it doesn't feel much like it right now.

But I get it, the guilt. I feel it, god I hate it, guilt, it's such a _heavy_ emotion, sometimes it's almost too much to carry alone. Stefan got himself into this whole sorry situation by saving my life and now? Now he's involved himself in something even deeper, saving my life _again,_ seriously Stefan, learn to let a brother go.

But I wouldn't. I know; if it was Stefan, I'd have done the same thing. Problem is; it's never Stefan is it? It's always him cleaning up after me, fixing the mistakes _I_ make. He never fucks up so epically that I have to go running off after him, saving him. Not that that's a bad thing really.

"_Thank you" _Elena says _"No problem" – "Not just for this Damon, for everything. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here" _wow, really? She needs me? God and she looks like she's _actually_ going to kiss me but she can't. I can't.

I take a step back because I have to tell her something first, I have to tell her the truth. Besides, what fun is love, without complications?

"_You should know this Elena, Stefan didn't screw us over. He screwed us over but he had a good reason" _well, 'good reason' is debatable but a reason nonetheless. _"What?" – "He saved Klaus to save me. And then he stole the coffins to get even"_

And now that I've managed to put the spotlight well and truly back on my _brother_ I suppose I'll be off. Away from cursed front porches and brutal truths.

"_Damon if he did it to protect you then...why would he even do that, I mean, what does that even mean?" _well it means a whole _buncha_ stuff that I don't even want to _begin_ thinking about right now.

"_What does it mean? It means I'm an __idiot__ 'cause I thought for one second that I wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore" – "Wait, what are you talking about? Guilty for what?" _oh honey you probably _don't_ wanna know the answer to that. So. I simplify it for her.

"_For wanting what I want" _I see the understanding of what's left unsaid dawn in her eyes as she either struggles to breathe or struggles to find the words to break me again. _"Damon" _she whispers my name with eyes that refuse to be removed from my lips and if only this girl would reconcile the pieces of her heart and her mind we wouldn't have such damn problems.

I give her an out, as always, so she doesn't have to say the words. _"I know, believe me, I get it; brother's girl and all" _and I turn to go. In fact, I make it all the way down _one_ step.

Screw. That.

"_No" _I told the truth. I did the right thing for the _right _reasons and she still _wants_ me. She might not _love_ me but I'm not fucking asking her too, but I know damn well she _wants. _

"_If I'm gonna feel guilty about something, I'm gonna feel guilty about this" _I have to take this chance while I can so I do. I kiss her. And she kisses me back.

And this? This right here on this front porch should have been our very first kiss. And in a lot of ways it is, in all the important ways, it is.

It's soft and warm and tantalising and there is a fire in ever priceless second of it that I've never experienced before. Ever. Elena reaches up and covers my hand with her, simultaneously pulling me closer to her and she tastes like heaven and I have no words. Just. Heaven.

When I pull away she's breathless and breathtaking and beautiful. And she doesn't slap me which is nothing but a win for me.

That kiss, that was graceful, it was gentle, it was _golden_ but you know what it wasn't? Guilty, it wasn't guilty. And I don't feel guilty for it. And I won't. I couldn't bring myself to if I wanted to.

She's looking at me as if she's never seen me before in her life and I give her a little smile.

"_Goodnight" _

_Dear Diary,  
Someone once said that "there are no easy choices, but decisions have to be made, and things have to be done" I'm not sure who it was that said it but boy were they right. And today has put all of my choices, my decisions, and my ability to get things done to the test. _

_I was at the Grill with Bonnie earlier when Damon and Ric told me that Jeremy had been fired from work, he's been withdrawn and moody ever since Bonnie broke up with him and I didn't know how to help him. Damon was getting drunk and I told him that his 'day-drunk' wasn't his most attractive look, which was obviously silly of me because then he asked me what his most attractive look is. Of course I didn't answer that question. _

_But the answer? Damon's most attractive look is the one he gives me when it's just the two of us, it's Damon, unguarded, defences down, it's the purity and the devotion in his eyes, the way he looks at me as if I'm the only person in the world, as if I'm the only person he ever wants to look at. _

_And then Klaus came and ruined the moment. It's funny, the way Damon protects me, is always so intent on protecting me. He takes these steps, I don't even know if he's aware that he's doing it, but suddenly he's just there, standing in front of me, desperate to save me even if it means losing his life in the process. That scares me about Damon; he really would die to save me. But then where would I be? _

_Jeremy killed a hybrid tonight. He chopped his head off on the front porch and it was terrifying and wrong and I had to do something. It's not right that my brother should have to live like this; he's too young, too innocent to be dragged into this world. So I asked Damon to compel him. I know I said I would never do it again but I have no choice. It's the only way to protect him, to keep him safe, to keep him alive. _

_We're sending him to Denver, we have family friends there who will take him in, and he deserves the chance to have a normal life, a better life. But it still hurts so much, to have to send him away, and if he finds out I don't know if he will ever forgive me, not after the last time. But like Damon said, at least he'll be alive, even if he does hate me. _

_Damon kissed me tonight. I kissed Damon tonight. He told me that Stefan saved Klaus to save him and then he kissed me. _

_It was amazing, incredible. Indescribable really. It was everything it was supposed to be, it was our first real kiss. God he really is an amazing kisser, it felt so right to be kissing Damon and he tastes...divine, like bourbon and spice and glorious sin that's all deliciously, Damon. _

_And there was all this heat, I've never felt before, it's like tiny explosions were going off throughout my entire body and I don't know what it was but god I loved it, every single second of it. _

_And Damon said that if he was going to feel guilty about something then he would feel guilty about kissing me but I don't think he will, because I don't. I can't. How can I possibly feel guilty about something that I've wanted for so long? That I've denied at every turn? I can't feel guilty about the best kiss I've ever had in my life. _

_But it can't happen again. No matter how good it felt, no matter how __right__ it felt. It just can't happen again. There's too much...too many other problems...Stefan, without adding me and Damon into the mix. I just can't let it happen again.  
Elena  
_


	48. Our Town

**A/N: Have I told you guys recently how *awesome* you all are? Because you are. Seriously. All your reviews from yesterday were just incredible so thank you for that. Also lovely to hear from new readers so please do drop a note. Anyway - Our Town might be a little dull in parts because there's a *lot* of dialogue but I felt like it was super important to have this as a complete chapter given how heavily it focused on Elena. Hopefully you will still enjoy it anyway! Do let me know. **

**Our Town**

"**Secrets, are mine to keep  
I'm not ready, I'm not ready  
For the weight of us"**

After a restful night spent reliving and dreaming of every priceless second of my first real kiss with Elena, I woke up in an _exceptionally_ great mood. Well, can you blame me? I'm late for meeting Stefan and Bonnie but I don't care.

"_You're late" _he says as I come parading out of the shower and again; I don't care. Not even Mr. Broody Pants can put me in a bad mood today. _"__Relax__ brother, wouldn't want your hair to fall out" – "Well, would you hurry up? You know; we have work to do. Klaus isn't gonna spontaneously self-destruct" _oh Stefan, for you, anything.

"_Why are you all chipper?" - "No reason" _nothing to see over here, I didn't kiss your girl and I'm _definitely _not gonna share the news anytime soon. I might be a dick but even _I'm _not that big of a dick. Like I said, I don't feel guilty for kissing her but I'm not about to rub it in his face.

Once I'm ready Stef and I head for the witches house where there is a distinct _hybrid_ smell in the air. I head in quickly to check on Sabrina and make sure she stays quiet before going back up and ripping the hybrid's heart out. Man but I am getting sick of them. The one good thing is that they are exceptionally easy to kill. _"Hybrids...really bringin' the neighbourhood down." _

When Bonnie goes off to school I decide to take a shovel to the mysterious coffin that refuses to open while I wait for Stefan to come back but it's not working. _"You're wasting your time" _yeah I _got _that Stef, thanks.

"_Did you bury the body?" _he asks _"yeah. Any sign of our little hybrid buddies?" – "Nope, just the dead one" _well great, let's return to the problem at hand then shall we?

"_Klaus has 6 siblings. Rebekah's now with Klaus" _honestly, why couldn't Elena have decided to compel Jeremy _before_ she gave Barbie Klaus back? "_There was one dead kid in the Old World, one dead kid in the New World which leaves Elijah and two others. Three sleeping Originals, four coffins; so __who__ is in the locked box?" _or more to the point, what part of the life story did Rebekah conveniently fail to mention to Elena?

"_No idea but whoever's in here, Bonnie seems to think will help us kill Klaus" _which is of _no_ use to us if we can't _open _the damn thing. _"You'd think that the spirits of a bunch of dead witches that can make a coffin __invisible__; that they'd figure out how to __open __one"_ anyone listening? Ya there? No? Just us then. "_Fine. Don't help" _so _fickle_.

Stefan says that Klaus's hybrids need _"to go away" _but honestly the hybrids are the _least_ of my problems right now and as I mentioned, they're _ridiculously _easy to kill. _"How about you keep the peace, don't draw attention to the very things we're trying to hide" _I suggest.

"_No. I'm not gonna play defence when I have what Klaus wants, he does what I say or I dump his family into the bottom of the ocean" _right and then _"he kills you and everyone you know, like, I dunno...__me__?" _which would _really_ defeat the purpose of him saving my ass all the time.

"_No he's bluffing; his family means more to him than anything else" –"You __sure__ about that?" – "Well I don't know Damon, I mean I guess there's only one way to find out" _o-kay. I _think_ that Stefan might have gone a little insane on his latest Ripper binge.

"_Call his bluff" _oh no. No. No. No. "_"Whoa, whoa, whoa...the only way to call someone's bluff, __Stefan__ is to be willing to lose __everything__ if you're wrong" _again, like _me_ and oh yeah! _Elena_.

But Stefan just walks away from me. What is he _thinking_? On second thought, I don't think he _is_ thinking. At all. _Now _what am I gonna do? Please can we just rewind time, I don't know...maybe to last night on Elena's front porch? Pre-kiss? No? Dammit.

I head home for a drink, I may as well stick around the place, see whether or not Klaus comes to kill me after Stefan plays his dangerous little games. Seriously, how did _I _become the sane one around here?

There's a council meeting tonight elaborately disguised behind some fundraiser or other so I drive Ric over with me and fill him on the latest Stefan-drama. _"I thought Stefan __saved__ your life?" _he asks when I'm done explaining. _"He did" – "But now he's willing to __risk__ it just to see how far he can push Klaus?" _uh...apparently, yes? Ye-ep. Stefan's lost his marbles.

"_Well is his humanity on or off?" – "Yeah I'm thinking there's another...option here in play; bit of a dimmer switch, which is a huge problem" – "Why?" – "Because I can't predict how far he's willing to go until somebody gets killed" _and I can't predict _who_ that somebody could be and right now _that s_cares me more than anything.

"_Suddenly you care who lives or dies?" _oh come on, it's not that sudden. It's been a work in progress. _"I have a small list" _oddly enough no longer _just _filled with the names of people Elena loves, some people made it onto that list on their own merits.

"_Ha. Talk about a humanity dimmer switch" – "Screw you" _my switch is just fine. I haven't dimmed anything. I feel, okay? I feel _everything _these days. And yeah, that used to suck, but now? Now not so much. Now I kinda like being a fully-functioning vampire...weird.

"_Can't a council meeting ever just __be__ a council meeting?" _nope, it's always about money in some way or another Ric. Fortunately I have an almost bottomless supply of the paper stuff so it doesn't really bother me all that much. Apparently tonight, my money will be helping to restore the Wickery Bridge.

"_This is the bridge where Elena and Jeremy's parents died in a car accident", _a car crash that has always sounded a little...suspicious if you ask me. I mean, how does one accidentally drive off of a bridge? I'll never tell Elena but I'm _convinced _there was something supernatural behind what happened that night.

It's also the bridge where Stefan saved Elena's life that very same night.

You know it could have been me? After we met on the road, and I talked to her, I considered following them home; just to see her again for a second. But I changed my mind and headed out of town instead.

I was still a dick back then, most of the time, and I was _trying _to convince myself that Elena was nothing more than a poor imitation of Katherine. That she meant nothing to me, especially not after a 2 minute conversation. Aaand we all know how well _that _turned out.

"_You know something is up with her; Elena, something more than usual. Do you know what it is?"_ as much as I'd _like_ to hope that it's me and the kiss _"I'm sure it starts with a 'Stef' and ends with an 'en'" _okay, time to go drink more. I leave Ric and go to find Mrs. Mayor and donate some of my _not_ hard-earned money so we can get outta here.

Klaus is here; of course he is, chatting up Carol and everything. _"Good to see you Damon. Uh, Carol and I were just discussing whether you would be tonight's other big benefactor" _hmmm. Klaus and the mayor? That's probably _not _a good combination. I give them a piece of my mind but it looks like Klaus has firmly gotten his claws into her which is just _great_. More problems that we didn't need; we _really_ need to open that damn coffin.

"_All you have to do is get Stefan to stop decapitating my friends" _Stefan did what now? _Sweet!_

"_Please Damon, get your brother under control or the council will be forced to take action against him" _did I just...? Did she just...? "_You've gotta be __kidding__ me" – "Oh come on mate, give peace a chance" _Hah! You have never met me, have you? I don't really go in for that 'peace' crap. Nope. Not interested in peace. I am interested in you _dead_.

I have a chat with Liz about what's going on with Carol and Klaus and she becomes the second person to tell me to get Stefan under control tonight, so...yeah, might wanna work on that. I know he's around here somewhere so I head upstairs to find him. And I do, find him. About to de-head another hybrid, really Stefan, here?

"_What are you doing? __No__ dead hybrids at the __Founders__ party" _idiot. He's pissed off that Klaus's hybrids are still around, _"have you forgotten about Elena's part in all this? Or do you not care if she's a human blood-bag for the rest of her life?" _yes I'm using Elena to try and knock some sense into the boy, hey whatever works right?

"_No. Protecting Elena is __your __problem now, see I'm not compelled by Klaus to do that anymore" _okay _first _of all, protecting Elena is _not _a problem; never has been and second of all, did he hit his head on something exceptionally hard and lose his fucking memory? He's supposed to _love _her.

"_Don't give me that no humanity crap, you can't just flip your switch. Your switch is __fried__ Stefan, just like your brain. You wanna take Klaus? You wanna __beat __the villain? You've gotta be __smart__" _something you are clearly _lacking_ in at the moment.

"_No, to beat the villain Damon, you have to be the better villain" _oh god what's he going to do now? This is getting tedious.

I call Elena to check in as I haven't seen or spoken to her all day; I'm guessing she's avoiding me but – _"Hello Damon" _Stefan? Why does Stefan...? "_Why the hell do you have Elena's phone?" – "Making my next move" _huh? With...Elena?

"_Let me ask you something: what's Klaus gonna do if he can't make any more hybrids?" _oh good god. "_Stefan__ leave her out of this" _bastard hung up on me. Christ, he's got Elena and I don't _know_. I can't _trust_. Fuck!

I call back but it just rings and rings and as much as I _hate _what I'm about to do, I have to do it because he has _Elena. _I have to talk to Klaus. I have no _idea_ where Stefan's moral compass is pointing right now but I know for sure it's not pointing in the right direction.

"_What now?" - "Stefan just grabbed Elena" – Well he's getting desperate" _I tell Klaus to get rid of the hybrids but he still doesn't seem entirely _agreeable _on that point. He says that Stefan won't kill her _"that kind of love never dies. He's bluffing" _but that is not a chance I am willing to take.

"_Maybe he is; maybe he isn't. But if you don't wanna believe him, believe __me__. I know my brother better than anyone and right now I don't have a __clue__ how far he's willing to take this, so if he says blink I __suggest__ you __blink__" _because it's _Elena_ and if _anything _happens to her I will _destroy. _Stefan. Klaus. Mystic Falls. The _world_.

Fucking Wickery Bridge. That was _low _even for a crazy-ass Stefan. Jesus I have to get to her. Right now. Logically I know Stefan wouldn't have done it. At least...I'm fairly certain he wouldn't have done it, and it worked in our favour, but really, of all the places in town, did he have to do it on the fucking bridge?

I find Elena sobbing her heart out and make a valiant attempt at comfort which seems to work relatively well. At the very least the tears stop and I drive her home.

"_Thanks for picking me up" – "Any time. You gonna be okay?" – "I'll survive. Somehow I always do" _yes, that you do. You survive because you are the strongest person I've ever met in my life and I've met an awful lot of people. Never before, one with such bravery and determination against all the odds though.

And because I know how strong she really is, I know she can handle being told the truth about what Stefan did tonight, because a part of her will want to hate him for this; and it would be easy for me to just let her but if I'm ever going to make Elena mine, then she deserves to walk into it with eyes wide open and that includes knowing everything about my brother as well.

And let's face it; I really don't want her to be with me just because she hates my brother. I'm done being second best. I want to be her first choice. I want to be her _only_ choice.

"_You know Stefan won this round for us today. He pushed Klaus to the edge and Klaus blinked" _she turns away from me before responding, _"Well his method __sucked__" _yeah, that it did.

"_Still, we needed it. Klaus has been calling all the shots and Stefan beat him at his own game. He was the better villain" _even if he is currently a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

"_Don't sound so impressed" – "Well I can't help but be a __little__ proud" _I say with a smile because honestly, what he did tonight? That's _definitely _something I would have done. You know, before I was completely _gone _for this girl standing in front of me.

I reach out and stroke her cheek with my thumb, _"really, tell me...you gonna be okay?" _but she just stares at me for a really long time before sighing.

"_You can't kiss me again" – "I know" _I understand. It's too soon. _"I can't" _she whispers, her words made ironic because once again her eyes are attached to my mouth.

"_It's not right" _she finally says, but I won't let her do that. She knows _just _as well as I do how _right t_his is, what we have, and I won't let her force herself into making that not true.

"_It's right. Just not right now" _but it definitely is _right_, there has never been anything more right, ever before. It's just the wrong timing, is all. And I really believe now, in a way that I never have before, that our time _will _come. I have to believe it, because otherwise I think I'll go insane.

"_Goodnight" – "Goodnight, Damon" _yep. It will be right. One day.

_Dear Diary,  
It has been a __long__ night, morning, week, month. Year. _

_Yesterday was Care's birthday, only she didn't want to celebrate because well, technically she's dead. So we decided to throw her a 'funeral' instead, so she could say goodbye to the girl she used to be and move forward with who she is now. _

_When Care went off into the woods with Tyler, Matt and I followed her and then Stefan appeared out of nowhere, he knocked Matt out and kidnapped me. He forced me to drink his blood and threatened to drive us off Wickery Bridge and turn me into a vampire! Just so he could 'destroy' Klaus. _

_I don't understand how Stefan could do that to me, my parents __died__ going over that bridge, I almost died and he knew that, of course he knew that because he's the one who saved my life. He said that Klaus had to believe that he would go through with it, that my 'fear' sold it, but I would have been scared __anywhere__; he didn't have to do it on the bridge. _

_I asked Stefan what he would have done, if Klaus hadn't believed him but he didn't answer me he just said that he has to destroy Klaus, but is he trying to destroy me as well? _

_It feels like he's trying to make me hate him and when I told him that he said that he doesn't care what I think anymore. He said that he lost me the minute he left town with Klaus and I just haven't let myself admit that yet but I don't believe that. I'm __not__ in denial. _

_After being reminded in a horrific way of the first time I nearly died, Matt and I went back to the bridge. I told him that he was right, I do feel stuck in this life, trapped in a lot of ways and it's because I've been holding on to the girl that was supposed to die there that night, the girl that I was back then, the girl who had a normal life, normal dreams, normal friends and normal boyfriends. The girl who didn't fall in love with vampires. _

_That's what I said to Matt, that I was the girl who didn't fall in love with vampires. Vampires. Plural. I don't even know where it came from, it wasn't what I was thinking but it's the words I said. But I'm not in love with Damon, I mean, I would __know__ if I was in love with Damon. It's not like you can just pretend not to love someone. I'm not. _

_I'm __not__ that girl anymore, and I can't ever be her again so I had to let her go, I have to let go of the past and try and embrace the future, whatever it holds. _

_Damon picked me up on the bridge last night and drove me home, I'm not even sure how he knew where I was, but he did and then he was there. Rescuing me, just like he always does. I told him that he couldn't kiss me again, that I can't do it. That it's not right. No matter how much I might want to. _

_But Damon said that it is right, it's just not right __now__, he said it like it's inevitable that we'll end up together, like he's so sure of it and his complete dedication to me leaves me breathless. He said goodnight and I went inside but as I was standing there watching him leave I almost wished he would just come back and kiss me all over again. _

_But I meant what I said, I can't do it, it's not right and I understand now what Damon meant, it's not right now, the timing is all wrong, my feelings are all confused, I don't know whether I'm coming or going with my emotions half the time and I need a lot of time to try and figure out the depths of everything that I feel, especially for Damon. There's too much going on around us, too many outside influences and too much pressure all the time to even try and begin to sort out what it is that's between us. _

_But Damon's words gave me, hope. Hope that maybe one day I __will __be able to sort out my confused heart, hope that maybe one day I'll be able to move past all that's happened and find the place where I belong.  
Elena_


	49. The Ties That Bind & Bringing Out The

**A/N: Please don't hate me for Elena's diary entry in BOTD, it will become important later and I do have to add Stefan related stuff in parts, because she *did* love him. Anyway, despite that I hope you enjoy today's episode(s). **

**The Ties That Bind & Bringing Out The Dead**

"_So Niklaus...what'd I miss" – "...Previously on The Vampire Diaries"_

_Bonnie has psychic-witch-dreams telling her that she needs her long-lost mother's help to open the coffin. Damon tracks down her mom (Abby) and drops the bombshell that he and Elena "kissed...now it's weird". Bonnie and Elena take a trip to see Abby. _

_Tyler calls in Caroline's father to help him break the sire bond, a painful process which involves breaking all the bones in his body, multiple times. Tyler transforms and attacks Bill Forbes, landing him in hospital and making him one of the few residents to actually be attacked by an animal in this town. _

_Damon believes that 'new girl' in town Meredith Fell had something to do with the latest murder and he goes to confront her in a veiled attempt at protecting Ric. Meredith vervains Damon before blood-jacking him. _

_Bonnie meets her mother and is disappointed by her inability to practice magic, Abby tells Elena and Bonnie that she ran away after casting the desiccation spell on Mikael to protect Elena when he came to Mystic Falls searching for her. _

_Abby kidnaps Bonnie and Jamie shoots Stefan with wooden bullets and ties Elena up but she manages to free herself and incapacitate Jamie. Elena pulls the bullets out of Stefan and gives him a dose of the truth. _

"_There's something I have to tell you and it's not because I feel guilty that it happened...I kissed Damon", after some time Stefan gives Elena a weak apology for threatening to drive her off the bridge and tells her that she is 'better' than him and Damon. _

_Meredith tells Ric that she uses vampire blood to heal her patients and she heals Caroline's dad, Ric in turn, lets Meredith know that he is a 'semi-retired' vampire hunter. _

_Bonnie alerts Damon to what is happening and he returns the coffins to Klaus, but he has a couple of surprises up his sleeve, he managed to keep the locked coffin and un-daggered one of the Originals. _

_Back at home Stefan punches Damon in the face and Damon shows him the dagger which he removed from...Elijah. _

**Bringing Out The Dead**

"**When I catch my breath, it's you I breathe  
You're everything I know that makes me believe  
I'm not alone"**

Okay, so yesterday didn't _exactly _go according to plan but fear not, all is not lost. We still have the locked box and I _may _have un-daggered Elijah. Okay there's no _may_ about it. I did it. I definitely did it.

You know I figured, better the devil you know than the ones you don't right? And it's not like I had a huge amount of choice in the matter. Out of them all I'm hoping that Elijah is the most likely to be pissed off with Klaus after he killed him; in his rather unconventional way of 'reuniting' Elijah with the rest of his family. They really have a way with words, the Originals.

Point is, I slipped Elijah a note and I'm on my way to meet him when 'Lena calls to tell me that Liz Forbes stopped by with the stake that killed Brian Walters, _her s_take, to be precise.

"_So you're the main suspect huh?" _according to the Sheriff Elena's fingerprints are the only ones on the weapon and while the thought _did _cross my mind that she's not the only one in the world with those fingerprints; I discarded it equally quickly.

There's not a _chance_ Katherine is in Mystic Falls murdering humans with stakes, and she'd have absolutely nothing to gain by doing so anyway.

"_Well why don't you just ask Ric if his dirty little doctor had access to the weapons?" – "You're on speaker phone dick" _oopsie, my bad. Only I don't care; the bitch blood-jacked me!

"_It wasn't Meredith" _Elena pipes up, _"It's not Meredith okay? I refuse to believe that your luck with women is that tragic" _she's kinda got a point to be honest, that really _would _be tragic, sorta hilarious, but tragic all the same.

"_It's Klaus, it has to be; he's screwing with us" _I don't really believe that but in lieu of any other suspects he's as good a choice as any; especially if we're discarding the psycho doctor.

"_What if it was Stefan? He was crazy that night...he was capable of pretty much anything" _hah, way to throw your boyfriend under the bus Elena. Though it does perversely please me that she hasn't even _considered _me as a suspect, it wasn't me. Just to clear up any confusion anyone might have on the matter.

"_Ah, makes me nostalgic for the time when Stefan was a bunny snacking pacifist" _not that I think it was my brother either, why would he kill Brian Walters? That makes no sense. _"Anyway, gotta go" – "Hey where are you?" – "Tea with an old friend"_

Elijah, looking a whole lot more alive now; let's hope this doesn't prove to be one of my stupidest ideas to date.

"_My favourite Original, back from the dead" _again, there's only so many of them to choose from, thankfully. _"You left something in my jacket pocket" _oh yeah, that'd be my 'yay you're alive again' note.

"_Dear Elijah,  
Let's get together. Plot the destruction of your brother.  
XOXO"_

"_Damon" _ yep that'd be me and my sweet note writing skills, I got good handwriting; it's a sign of the times.

"_Was I right to un-dagger you? Or are we gonna have a problem?" _'cause honestly, I don't think it'd be _overly _hard to find a human willing enough to put him down again.

"_I'm here, let's talk" _okay great, _"Let's start with an easy question; any idea what kind of Klaus-killing weapon could be magically sealed in a mystery coffin?" _he doesn't, or at the very least he claims he doesn't.

However, Stefan has Bonnie and her mom down in the Lockwood Caves trying to figure out how to open the thing so we just need to buy a little time. To that end Elijah and I set up a friendly little dinner-party for myself, Stefan and Klaus. You know the kind, a good old-fashioned gentleman's dinner, no hidden agendas over here. 'Course I have to actually get Stefan to agree to _come _to dinner first.

"_Get dressed we're going out" – "Yeah sorry not interested" _oh I'm sorry, did you hear a question in my statement? No? Thought not. _"Elijah and I have scheduled a very old-fashioned sit down with you and Klaus" _I glance down at the shirts I'm holding in my hand _"I suggest you go with the black; makes you look all __villainy__" _and we all know how much Stefan _loves _that look these days.

"_Klaus won't make a deal Damon" _good, I don't want him to. "_All we're doing is buying a little time to give our wicked witches a chance to pop the top off the coffin" _Stefan moans at me for rescuing Elijah but un-daggering him was the right move.

"_After what Klaus did to him, he's in vengeance mode, it's perfect" – "There's nothing __smart__ about trusting Elijah Damon. He screwed us over the last time he promised to kill Klaus" _yeah well I've not exactly _forgotten_ that, and if I'm not mistaken _I_ did mention back then that we couldn't trust Elijah but did anyone wanna listen to me then? Nooo. Now though? I figure trusting Elijah's worth a shot.

"_Right now I trust Elijah about as much as I trust you" – Well I guess that works both ways doesn't it?" _he asks as he turns to face me.

Ah, I see, sorry I thought we were talking about _Klaus _and _Elijah_ not _"about me kissing Elena" _which, I already got punched in the face for thank you very much. And I let him have that one, figured it was only fair; but I'll be damned if I let him make me feel like shit for it.

"_Just remember if it wasn't for Klaus you wouldn't have become such a __dick__ and that kiss would never have happened" _lies. I'm lying. Yeah that kiss was _always _gonna happen, one way or another. But reminding him of Klaus took from him will get him on board with the dinner-party plan. _"So get ready and get happy. We're going to negotiate a fake truce and I don't want your attitude screwin' it up" _

"_Niklaus, our guests have arrived" _Elijah opens the door at Klaus's fancy new house and lets us in. _"Damon, Stefan; Elijah tells me you seek an audience" _'seek an audience'? Really? What does he think he is; a king? Yeah it's gonna be a long night. Let's hope the witches work quick; I give Elijah a questioning look; _"it's better to indulge him" _well okay then.

"_I didn't come here to eat Klaus. In fact, I didn't wanna come here at all but I was told I __had__ to 'cause you would hear us out" _huh, I guess I wasn't very clear on the whole 'get happy' part of my speech to Stef, was I?

"_Hmm, well you can sit, and eat...or I can reach down your throats and pull out your insides. Choice is yours" _right well, given _those _options, I'm gonna go with 'sit down and eat' every time. Thankfully Stefan hasn't added 'suicidal' to his list of new personality traits. Although there's still time, but for now, we sit.

"_Eat. I thought we agreed that we would leave the grumpy Stefan at home" _yeah this has to be the worlds' most awkward dinner party _ever_; at least the food is damn good. Stefan asks where Barbie Klaus is, _"Last I checked she was still daggered because you were afraid to face her" _really brother? Are you _trying _to piss him off?

"_Hey Stef; remember when you killed __dad__? Might wanna dial down the judgement til' dessert" _at the very least. Yep. Lo-ong night; who's great idea was this again? Don't. Don't answer that.

"_Stefan, where is the lovely Elena tonight?" _oh. Shit. _"I dunno, ask Damon" _please, please don't ask Damon. Klaus starts laughing and Elijah just looks confused, naturally. _"I'm sorry you missed so much; uh trouble in paradise" _Klaus tells his brother, yeah, because that _really e_xplains the situation.

"_One more word about Elena, and this dinner is over" _oh fabulous, Stefan's getting all pissy again, _"you know what? Probably best just to keep Elena in the 'do-not-discuss' pile" _Or. Not.

Klaus starts talking about the _"lure of the Petrova doppelganger" _and I assume he's referring to Katherine until he mentions someone called _"Tatia"_. There's _another _one? Good god how many of them _are _there?

Apparently Tatia was the _"originator of the Petrova line" _so that's...good, right? That means there's only Elena and Katherine left, right? Because honestly I don't know if I can handle any more of these doppelgangers running around.

Clearly there's some tension between the Original brothers as far as this Tatia girl is concerned though; _"so you both loved the same girl?" _Stefan deduces. Elijah says that their mother 'took' the girl, which I guess is just a polite way of saying 'killed', and used her blood to turn them. Yeah Mama Original sounds like a _delight_.

"_Tatia wouldn't make a decision between the two of us so for a time Niklaus and I grew...estranged" _well I know that story well my friend. _"But in the end we recognised the __sacred __bond of family" – "Family above all" _huh. That part of the story I'm _not _as familiar with.

And what do you do, when you consider the girl in question to _be _a part of your family? Family is not just bound by blood; it takes a lot more than that to make a family.

Yeah, this is taking too long. How long _has _it been? Oh man, it's only been an hour! How is that even possible? I feel like we've been sitting at this table forever. Then I get a message from Sabrina to let me know that they're finally getting somewhere _"...the terms of this proposal" _oh good, we get to the 'deal' making stage of the evening.

"_That's very simple" _I say, _"Klaus gets his coffin back, in exchange he and the Original extended family leave Mystic Falls forever. Me, Stefan and Elena live happily ever after. No grudges" _the end.

"_The deal sounds fair brother" _of course it does, to _Elijah_. Klaus'll never go for it in a million years, but we don't need him to.

"_I don't think you __understand__, Elena's doppelganger blood ensures that I will always have more hybrids. I will never leave her behind" _you know I _really_ hope that our faith in this locked coffin is not misplaced. Otherwise we're gonna have even _bigger _problems.

"_...How long before one of you turns her into a vampire?" _well that'd be a never, it's not what she wants. As unfortunate as that may be.

"_Or worse, how long before she __dies__ caught between your feuding? You see each one of you t__ruly __believes that you're the one who can protect her and that is simply a delusion...gentlemen, the worst thing for Elena Gilbert is...the two of you" _fuck. you. fuck.

Oh god _that_ was not planned. And I know he's only saying it because he's trying to rile us up but I have to get out of here, the air has become a little suffocating all of a sudden.

"_I'm gonna get some air" _before I add 'suicidal' to _my _list of personality traits. 'Cause for sure if I stay in this room _someone's _gonna die. Spoiler: It's gonna be me after I _don't _manage to kill the un-killable.

Okay, fresh air. Breathe. Man I do _not _handle angry all that well when Elena's not around. The problem; the problem is that I can't _bear _the thought that he might be right. If I look too closely at what he said then I might find truth in it and I don't want to. I Can't. I Won't.

Elijah follows me outside after a couple of minutes and manages to successfully lure me back inside, sticking with the plan, anger in check; we're back on track. _"What do you say Klaus; it's time for you to put something on the table"_

"_Okay. I offer Elena's future happiness. You see what she needs right now is to be rid of you lot and to fall in love with a human; maybe that high school boy..." – "Matt Donovan, really?" _didn't they already _try _that?

Matt Donovan will _never_ be enough for Elena. Never be able to give her the things she wants. The things she needs. The things she _craves_.

"_Yeah, why not?" _um...for all the reasons I just thought of? "_They'll marry, live a long life, pop out a perfect family" – "And continue the Petrova bloodline..."_

"_After you hand me back the coffin I'll ensure her safety for the rest of her natural life. You __know __it's what's best for her. So what do you say Stefan? Hmm? Do we have a deal?" _

Stefan walks past me towards Klaus, _"What are you doing?" _what's he _doing?_ He's not _actually_ gonna...he's shaking his hand. What the _fuck_? "_Nice try Klaus, but no deal" _oh thank fuck. And now he's burning, my brother is burning. Well that escalated quickly.

Klaus breaks Stefan's legs and before the bones can finish cracking I'm running towards him but Elijah stops me in my tracks by throwing me into the wall and half-strangling me. _"What're you doin'?" _Stefan's screams are becoming painful to listen to _"S__top"__ – "Now bring me my coffin before I burn him alive" – "I'll get it" _god. dammit.

But Elijah follows me outside and he has a few tricks of his own up his sleeve; he's un-daggered the rest of his family so Klaus is in for a _lovely _surprise which makes up for what he said earlier at least a little bit.

"_Elijah, why haven't you left?" _Klaus asks when he realises that we've come back _"Well where are your manners, brother? We forgot dessert" _Elijah lifts the napkin from the tray to reveal the daggers. _"I've learned not to trust your vulgar promises Klaus, we're doing this on my terms." _

"_Kol"_

"_Finn don't" _Finn does. Stabs Klaus, in the hand.

"_Rebekah" – "This is for our mother" _yeah...about _Rebekah_, might wanna keep a close eye on Elena for a while, although I already gave Elijah the heads-up on that one as well. You can never have too many people protecting Elena, I've found.

"_You're free to go" _Elijah says, yeah, c'mon Stef, let's leave them to it, shall we? "_This is family business." _

Stefan and I are heading for the Lockwood Caves to see what's happening with the witches and the coffin. _"Well you were right about Elijah; un-daggering him was a smart move" _well thank you Stefan, for admitting that I _can _in fact, get some things right.

He tries to thank me for saying him from Klaus but _"you don't get to thank me until I pay you back for all those times you saved me" – "Could have left me there" _well why would I do _that_?

"_Klaus would've killed me and you woulda had Elena all to yourself" _huh, he doesn't _actually _think I'd do that right? He's still my broth-Elena. Elena is calling me but I send her to voicemail.

"_I didn't do it on your account" _let him think what he wants, life's easier that way.

"_I love her Damon" _you think I don't know that?

"_So do I" _so damn much.

I walk away from Stefan because I just need a minute. I don't know how this situation with Elena is gonna end but the one thing I know for _sure _is that someone's gonna get hurt. _That's _inevitable. And as much as I don't want to; if I were gonna venture a guess, I'd say that person's probably gonna be me. Certainly if history is any indication at least; but that doesn't change anything. I'm still gonna fight for her, no matter what or _who _my opposition is.

Brother catches up with me in the caves where we find two unconscious witches and one very empty Original coffin. Yeah, it's just been that kind of night. I guess it would be too much to hope that whoever was in the coffin just went straight off to kill Klaus huh?

Yeah. Let's not fool ourselves. We're never that lucky.

_Dear Diary,  
Last night I told Stefan that I kissed Damon, because even though I didn't initiate it, I wanted it. I didn't stop it. Stefan said that I am better than him, better than Damon. But doesn't he understand? I'm not. What makes me so special? I'm no better than anyone else; I'm just an 18 year old girl. _

_It's the other way around really, Damon is better than me. He deserves so much more than what I can give him. And have you seen him? He's the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on; he's the most beautiful man __anyone __has ever laid eyes on. What did I ever do to become so much 'better' than him? _

_Stefan puts me on a pedestal, he doesn't seem to really __see __me, not the way Damon always has at least. But none of that matters because I realised that I still love Stefan. Even after everything he's done, I've realised that you can't just shut those feelings out. Or at least I can't. So it's still there._

_Things __are__ different now, changed and there's...Damon. There's Damon who I have all these mixed, emotions and...unexplainable feelings for._

_I've changed, like Stefan said, but we've all had to change, and yeah, things are different but it __doesn't __change that I loved him. _

_I accused Stefan of killing Brian Walters today, because I don't really know what he's capable of anymore and the night that he died, Stefan was completely off the rails. Stefan asked me if I asked Damon if he killed anybody lately, but I didn't. It didn't even cross my mind that it might have been Damon. I know it wasn't. _

_When Damon kills someone, there tends to be a r__eason __for it, I'm not saying it's okay, I don't condone it, but I know he doesn't just go around killing people for the sake of it; not anymore at least. When Damon kills someone, it's usually to protect someone he loves. _

_Somebody killed Caroline's dad, only he had vampire blood in his system so he came back but he decided not to complete the transition. I feel so bad for Care, despite what her dad did to her, he's still her dad and she loves him. And I understand how awful it is to lose your dad; especially when we're so young. Sometimes, you just need your dad. _

_Matt walked me home from Caroline's house and all of the lights were out when we got here and there was blood and then we found Alaric. Someone attacked Ric! And he was dying, he was going to die and oh god, I had to kill him. Because I'm supernatural so the ring would bring him back. _

_So I had to do it. But waiting for him to wake up? That was the longest wait of my life. I was so scared that it wouldn't work, that I would have just killed him. But it did work. He's going to be fine. I tried to call Damon for help but he didn't answer and Matt stayed with me instead. _

_I was so scared; I can't lose any more family. I can't lose __anyone__ else. There's just been...too much. Too much loss. Too much death. Too much grief. I don't know if I could handle any more of it.  
Elena_


	50. Dangerous Liaisons

**A/N: This was literally one of my *all time favourite* episodes to write, it's always the heartbreaking ones that end up being the best ones to write! Having said that, I sincerely hope that you all enjoy Damon and Elena's version of events. **

**Dangerous Liaisons**

"**Forgive these words I'm yet to speak; I feel so ashamed  
Right now you seem so far away  
Devotion save me now,  
I'm a slave unto the mercy of your love"**

When I woke up this morning I had a message from Elena, two messages actually. The first one, from today, asking Stef and I to come over to her house, and one from last night letting me know that Ric was attacked and he's in the hospital. Elena had to kill him, which made me wish I had answered the damn phone when she called last night.

When Stefan and I get to her house she lets us know that Rebekah came after her at the hospital, and Elijah rescued her, really gonna have to thank the guy sometime soon.

"_It was their mother Esther who was sealed in the coffin"_ say what now? _"How's she even __alive__?" _I thought Klaus killed her! _"I dunno, I'm guessing she has a couple of connections in the witching community. Elijah said that she wants to live in peace with her family. __Including__ Klaus" _well isn't that just fucking fabulous?

As Stefan astutely points out, she was _supposed _to help us _kill _him, not come back and play mother of the fucking year!

"_Anyone else feeling a little __used__ right now?" _Elena says that Elijah promised they wouldn't hurt any of us and of course she _believes _him. Why wouldn't she? She's Elena Gilbert, it's what she does! The doorbell rings and as she goes off to answer it I throw her a look that conveys my exasperation at her, kind-hearted, but misguided faith in Elijah.

Stef and I follow her out to the front door and when she turns around she's holding an envelope in her hand. _"What is it?" _I ask her, _"It's an invitation. Please join the Mikaelson family this evening at 7 o' Clock, for dancing, cocktails and celebration" _the 'Mikaelsons'? Well at least we know their full names now.

"_It's not bad enough they're moving into town, now they want a housewarming gift?" – "Wait there's a note on the back: Elena, I think it's time that we finally meet. Esther" _nope, nope, nope. Not. A. Chance. Not happening.

"_If Esther wants to talk to me maybe I should find out why" _of course, Little Miss Sacrificial Lamb over here _would_ think that walking into the proverbial lion's den is the best course of action. _"Well that's a __dumb__ idea. She already tried to kill you once" _ya know, just in case anyone's conveniently _forgetting _that.

"_No, Elena's right. Bonnie was led to open that coffin for a reason. I think there's more to this than just some family reunion" _oh my god, is he _real_?

"_Can we go back in time to the old Stefan who cared if Elena lived or died?" – "What for, it's your job now" _this _is t_he same Stefan, who _last _night told me that he loves her...right? Because right this second he's doing a really bad job of showing it.

"_Stefan has a point Damon" _Elena says, breaking into my stare-off with my brother _"I should find out what she wants" – "You can't protect yourself" _I'll go.

"_Okay fine then I'll go" _oh no _"you've pissed off enough Originals to last a lifetime. I'll go" _I snatch the invitation from Elena. No more discussion. _"End of story" _she stays home where she is _safe_. I'll figure out what's going on with the Original witch bitch.

On the plus side, it does mean a chance to don one of my classic Armani's and I think I look pretty damn hot in a suit, if I do say so myself.

I have to admit, Klaus did a pretty good job on the house. I mean, he might _suck _at _everything _else, but interior decorating? He could have a solid future right there.

I spot Mrs. Mayor and wander over and give her a glass of champagne, _"hangin' out with your new besties?" – "When the oldest, deadliest family of vampires move into your town; you welcome them, with a smile" _uh-huh, if you say so Carol.

Oh look, here comes one of them now _"Kol Mikaelson" – "Damon Salvatore, have we met?" _the guy looks vaguely familiar, though I couldn't say why. _"I've met a lot of people, and you don't particularly stand out" _charming, maybe he just has one of those fac-

_W-ow_.

Oh. My. God.

Wow.

Where...? What...?

Please. Excuse me while I collect my jaw from the floor. And _unscramble _my brain. Brief pause.

Elena. Elena is _here_. Elena is here and I have _never s_een her look more beautiful. Literally took my breath away, and I don't even _need _to breathe.

She looks like she just stepped out of the pages of a fairy-tale and if it is at all possible I think I _may _have fallen even _more _hopelessly in love with her. Wow. I know she's not meant to be here but a v_ery _selfish part of me is _very_ glad that she is; if only because I get to see her look like this.

Best. Dress. _Ever. _

"_Excuse me Carol" _oh great, I finally managed to find my voice and it _didn't _squeak like a boy who just hit puberty, good enough for me.

"_Surprise surprise, nice tux" _of course my brother would be here as well. _"You're not supposed to be here" _I say, turning to Elena. _"Well I am, and I'm not leaving until I find out what Esther wants. So...shall we?" _Stefan offers her his arm and I resign myself to the fact that she _is_ here, and I'll just have to keep an eye on her, so I offer her my arm as well and we escort her into the party.

Oddly enough, this brings to mind Isobel's words to Elena, once upon many moons ago; _"as long as you have a Salvatore on each arm; you're doomed" _she said. Let's hope that ominous warning doesn't prove true tonight, it really would be a shame to ruin such a beautiful dress. Stupid Isobel, I really don't wanna think about such things right now.

Stefan and I move to hear Elijah's speech, _"do you see who I see?" _I ask my brother, _"oh yeah"_ Esther. Mama Original Witchy. Elena tries to move her beautiful self towards the stairs to follow Esther but I'm in front of her before she can lift her dress to walk.

"_Don't even think about it" – "She wants to see me alone Damon" _yeah and why do you think that is?

"_Well it sucks to be her then. Was I not clear this morning?" _because I _thought _I made myself pretty crystal.

"_I was invited" – "You have to tell me before you walk into a lion's den!" – "Why, so you can stop me?" _uh, yes. Obviously. Stop you. Protect you. Keep you _alive_. Ladies choice.

O-kay, fighting is _not _working, and it really w_ould _be a shame to waste that dress so I decide to try a different angle. I hold my hand out to her _"it would be rude not to dance you know" _please dance with me.

She rolls her eyes at me but gives me a smile and her hand, _"it is tradition" s_he says as she drops into a little curtsy. God. So. Beautiful.

"_You look stunning. If it isn't obvious" _which it is, to everyone in the room. Even 'stunning' doesn't _begin_ to describe how she looks tonight, but it's the best word I've been able to come up with since she walked in. Gimme a few hours and a dictionary and that might change.

"_Thank you" _I'll tell you a thousand times a day if you'd let me.

Elena really is a very good dancer and it reminds me of our other dances, each one so difference from the other but this one? This is the first dance of _choice_. The first was a rescue. The second, a handover. This, the third. A choice. Elena's _choice_ to dance with me tonight. That makes it all the sweeter.

We don't speak anymore after that; it's just Elena, me, the music and the dance.

It's her hand in mine. It's my hand on her waist. It's the heat, the electricity in the air that surrounds us. It's the sparkle in her eyes that is such a rare sight these days. It's those eyes locked on mine. Never wavering. And it's that sweet, beatific smile that doesn't fade, that is all mine.

And all too soon it's over and I have to give her up. I have to give her back. Because of course her new dance partner _would_ be Stefan, but that's okay because _that_ dance makes it worthwhile. And let's face it; I'm a _much _better dancer than my brother.

Somehow I end up getting partnered with Barbie Klaus who proceeds to tell me that Klaus gave Caroline everything she's wearing, what's going on there? Blondie does look pretty good though, 'course she couldn't hold a candle to Elena's beauty.

"_Where is Elena?" _Stefan appears to be suspiciously absent as well. Where'd they go? Elena sends me a message asking me to meet her in the library, _"I got your text, what are we doing in here?"_

Darkness.

Mm. Ouch. Huh? Fuckery!

"_Where's Elena__?" – "Exactly where she belongs; talking to Esther" _no Stefan!

"_What did you __do__?" – "No don't blame me; this was all her. Right down to the broken neck. You know maybe you should stop being such a controlling dick, Damon" _are you fucking kidding me right now? _"Oh hang on, __I'm__ the problem here?" _I'm only trying to keep her _alive. _

"_You're a liability brother" _A liabi- _"I'm trying to keep her __alive__ Stefan" – "Yeah well your emotions are getting in the way of our plan" – "M...m...__my__ emotions? How is this even happening right now?" _did I get my neck snapped and wake up in some weird as fuck alternate universe?

"_Maybe because you care too damn much" _that's...I don't even...Elena. I need to find Elena. _Now. _Snap her pretty little neck! Not really. Obviously. How could she be so s_tupid_? Doesn't she _understand_? She can't just go running off, putting herself in danger all the time!

We've been through all of this already remember? She's supposed to fight. I thought we were past all of this 'dying for the cause' bullshit. Only this time there's not even a cause _to_ die for.

"_Elena, did you get what you wanted" –"Actually yes" _great, I give her her scarf and grab her arm _"tell me on the ride home, we're leaving" – "No Damon, let go of me" _okay. Breathe Damon. Calm. I let her go.

"_Look, I'm sorry that I had to uh, cut you out of the plan" _There shouldn't have been a plan in the first place! _"You shouldn't __be__ here" – "Do you think I like going behind your back?" _well you _do _it frequently enough sweetheart. Only now you've apparently gone a step further and added _killing _me as a caveat.

"_I don't but if I hadn't asked Stefan for help then you would have tried to be the hero and you would've ruined everything" – "Sorry for trying to keep you alive. __Clearly __Stefan doesn't give a crap anymore" _and for his part he'll be getting his ass kicked later as well.

"_Now you're mad at me for including Stefan?" _what? "_No. I'm mad at you because I __love__ you"_

Shit! Shit. I should _not _have said that. God damn me and my big mouth. I mean, it's not like she doesn't _know_, it's just that...I don't exactly go around saying it out loud all that often. But I guess tonight is the night of 'threes'. Third dance. Third time I said I love you.

"_Well, maybe that's the problem"_

Uuh. _Oh_. Um, ouch. Wow, that hurts a _whole _lot more than getting my neck snapped did, and in an entirely different place.

"_No...That's not what I-" _oh save it Elena, I got it, _"I care too much. I'm a __liability__. How ironic is __that__?" _

_So _ironic.

I've become the brother who loves you too much.

Fine.

Go be with the brother who doesn't fucking love you enough.

God that sounded bitter, didn't it?

"_Have you guys seen Matt?" _again, really? Why can't people use their _eyes_ around this place and acknowledge two people in the middle of a meltdown? And no, Blondie, I have not seen _Matt. _

Actually, for a change the interruption works in my favour. I need to get _away_ from Elena before she does any further damage. Let Stefan take her home.

I go to find Matt; he's having his hand crushed by Kol. _"Hey, hey, hey, easy on the hand; guys a quarterback" _and he's Elena's friend, I might be pissed as holy hell at her right now but the guys on my list which means people don't screw with him.

I throw Kol over the balcony railing and leap down after him and snap his neck. One temporarily dead Original, Damon Salvatore, at your service.

"_Damon" _oh brother. _"What are you crazy?" _

Elena.

"_Maybe a little. Far be it from me to cause a __problem__"_

Screw. All of you.

She's right, actually. In a very wrong, weird and twisted way. My love for her is a problem. Elena Gilbert is the biggest fucking problem I've ever had in my damn life; alive or otherwise. And sometimes, I wish, god sometimes I wish I could hate her. Or at the very least not love her like this.

Not _care_ so damn much. It would be easier, so much easier to be indifferent, to _feel _less than I do. It shouldn't be_ possible _for a man to love a woman as much as I love her and yet, there it is. It's overwhelming, it's overpowering, it's uncontrollable and uncontainable and it's not going to stop. It's not going to c_hange_.

But that's not even the problem.

No the _problem_ is that it's lonely. My love; is alone. My love is unrequited, and hell yeah I've been there before, I wrote the fucking book on unrequited love, I was there for 145 fucking years but never like _this. _

Having her so close, touching distance, breathing distance, _kissing _distance. And I want. So badly, I want and have wanted for so fucking long and I taste but I can never _have_. And I see; when I close my eyes, she's there, dancing behind them and I can't _keep. _

And that's the problem. The real problem. That's my problem. I will never love anyone that's not Elena Gilbert and I can't have her. I can't keep her. She doesn't belong to me and she probably never will. But god knows that she _should_.

I need to drown in alcohol now. Maybe a bathtub full of it. Nah, the Grill will do, Matt can give me a bottle for free to start me off; I did save his life after all.

What. A. Night.

I've been thinking more about those words that beat 'stunning' and I've come up with a few; magnificent? Glorious? Incandescent? Divine? _Delectable_? Resplendent? Dazzling? Any of those doin' it for ya?

I think I like incandescent best, although honestly any one of them would fit. Yep, it's been a _shit_ night but that doesn't take away from how incredible she looked and how amazing it felt to dance with her. How _right _she feels in my arms.

I need to forget. At least for one night, otherwise I'll just go home and dream about _her_ all night and I really _don't _want that tonight.

Barbie Klaus comes in to the Grill and gets knocked back by Matt. Ye-ep she'll do. A little hate-sex, a little revenge-sex never hurt anybody, right?

_Dear Diary,  
Tonight the Original family held a ball. I was invited and I went, even though I was supposed to stay home, I went because Esther wanted to meet me. And I made a __huge__ mistake._

_In fact, I think I might have made two huge mistakes. But let me start at the beginning. _

_When I walked into the house, the first person I saw was Damon, he looked so handsome, and when he saw me? It left me breathless, the way he looked at me. His eyes lit up like all of his dreams had come true at once, even though I wasn't meant to be there and he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. _

_Then he asked me to dance and we did and it was, incredible. He told me that I looked 'stunning' and then there were no more words. It was just me, dancing with Damon, as if we were in our own little world and I was safe, and protected and cherished in Damon's arms. And for a few minutes, everything was right in the world._

_But I knew that I had to talk to Esther, that we had to find out what she wanted, we needed to get information so I danced with Stefan briefly and then I asked him to...I asked him to snap Damon's neck. So that I would be able to get to Esther. And I did, get to Esther. _

_She took some of my blood, so that she could 'link' her children together. Klaus can't be killed, not alone, so by linking them together, she's made it so that if one dies, they all die. And I think that might have been my first mistake. She's going to kill __all__ of her children. Including Elijah, and that feels wrong. It was only supposed to be Klaus. _

_And then Damon found me, Damon who is always so patient with me, Damon who doesn't try and force me into confronting things I'm not ready to face. Damon who wants to protect me. Damon who __loves__ me._

_And then there's me. The stupid little girl who throws that love back in his face. _

_Damon said he was mad at me because he loves me, and I said that maybe that was the problem. _

_The second I said it I realised what I'd said, and how it must have sounded and I regretted it but there was no way to take it back because Damon became the 'other' Damon. The one who doesn't let me in. The one who shuts it all down when he gets hurt. The one who makes rash decisions and lashes out. _

_The thing is, I don't even know how I would have explained myself if I had tried to because even though I didn't mean what I said in the way Damon thinks I did, I did mean it. It is a problem. It's a problem for __me__ because it's my fault and I want to make it better but I can't. I can't give him what he needs from me. _

_I don't deserve his love, his devotion, his single-handed dedication to me; all it ever does is cause problems for him. For his relationship with Stefan. All I ever seem to do is hurt him, I don't deserve him and I don't deserve to be loved like that, in the way that he loves me._

_And yet...I'm so selfish because I can't __bear__ the thought of him ever loving someone else. I can't bear the thought of someone else being his; of someone else belonging to him. _

_I love the way he loves me, I hate the way he loves me and it's just causing problems all over the place because I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do about it and I'm so confused. _

_Stefan drove me home and he asked me why Damon went after Kol, Damon snapped his neck, I told Stefan it was just Damon being self-destructive, but it was my fault really, because of what I said. I tried to get Stefan to open up to me, to stop pretending that he doesn't feel anything, to stop pretending that he doesn't care and he said that if he lets himself care then all he feels is pain. _

_I don't know what I'm supposed to do about either Stefan or Damon anymore. But I know that I probably should have just stayed home tonight like I was supposed to.  
Elena_


	51. All My Children

**A/N: All My Children marks the 50****th**** episode of The Delena Diaries (excluding my author's note from a few weeks back) and as such I would like to take a second to thank all of *you* for sticking with me, for helping me turn this into the story it's become and for making my day with your reviews, every single day. Candy Momo, itwillalwaysbedamon, sharpie78, Trinimex, jairem, Jenny-Jay-21, and every single other person who has reviewed even just once, you are all the reason I'm still writing this. So, mushy stuff over, here's the next instalment. **

**All My Children**

"**I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared  
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through  
I've never been perfect, but neither have you"**

No. Too early phone. Go 'way. Ah, it's Elena.

"_What?" – "Hey I called you ten times last night" _ye-ep I know, got your messages too. _"We need to talk" _hah! No thank you. _"Sorry I've been busy" – "If you're mad at me Damon you need to get over it" _I need to 'get over it'? Honestly, girl _really _needs to brush up on her apologising skills. "_Oh I'm over it"_

I am _not_ over it. Don't think I'll _ever_ be over it. If I live another 100 years I don't think I'll ever stop hearing those words which is just, great. Sometimes having the memory of a vampire truly is a curse.

It's time for Barbie Klaus to leave, who the hell knows why I thought that was a good idea. Blame it on the copious amounts of alcohol I imbibed last night. Not that it wasn't _good_, with me it's _always_ good. Better than good, mind-blowing.

"_I expect you'll come calling soon enough" _she says as I walk her to the door, well it wasn't _that _good, _"let's not hold our breath"_. I'm fairly sure _Elena_ has ruined me for all other women. Doesn't matter what she does, what she says, when I'm with another girl, a lot of the time all I can focus on is the fact that I'm not with her. That it's not Elena.

But _that_ is. Shit. Elena. Oh god _that_ wasn't supposed to happen. Yeah. There's not gonna be any talking my way out of this one. And all the sex I'm _not_ gonna be having with Elena probably just walked out of my front door with Rebekah.

I turn to Elena and open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out because really, what can I say that _doesn't _make me look like the world's biggest asshole. For her part she just looks confused as hell so I move aside for her to come in and head upstairs quickly to change.

"_Did you stop taking the vervain?" _she asks when I come back with my complete mask of indifference firmly back in place. _"You think Rebekah had to __compel__ me?" _perish the thought.

"_What's wrong with you? She tried to kill me less than...48 hours ago" – "Can we just, move past that Elena?" _seriously, why is _she _the one that gets to be pissed off in this situation? It's not like I _cheated _on her. I'm not your boyfriend honey.

Logically I get it, she's hurt, I had sex with Rebekah who just tried to _kill_ her which is just, perfect Damon, way to fuck my shit up. _But_ she's the one who threw my love for her back in my face like it means fucking _nothing _so she can forget me grovelling for forgiveness for this.

"_So is that how it's gonna be now? I hurt your feelings and...this is how you lash out at me?" _what? Sleeping with Rebekah is 'lashing out' now? "_Well maybe, for once, something I did had nothing to do with you" _lies. It had _everything _to do with her. She gives me a look that suggests she knows fine well I'm lying. Girl knows me better than I know myself.

Why is she even...oh. _Oh_. Wow. Um. Okay. I get it now. She's _jealous_. Man am I slow on the uptake today or what?

"_You should know that Esther's planning on killing her entire family. She's linked them all together with a spell; whatever happens to one happens to all of them" _brilliant! So we get rid of _all _of the Originals in one go? That's the best news I've had in..._decades_.

"_That's great! Klaus'll finally be dead. We win" _she doesn't look quite as impressed as I feel though, _"Why do you look like someone shot a panda bear?" _I mean, it's cute and all but what's the problem?

"_Because to kill Klaus she has to kill __all__ of them"_ yes Elena I heard that part, again, problem? "_Including Elijah and he doesn't deserve this" _what? _"I'm supposed to care about Elijah?" _you do remember the part where he stabbed us in the back at _your_ sacrifice, right?

"_Shouldn't you at least care about __Rebekah__?" _she asks the question so cattily that it makes it very clear that _she _doesn't care about Barbie Klaus, and I wonder how jealous would look on her if she actually _was _my girlfriend. 'Cause this? Kinda hot.

"_Two seconds ago you were pissed that she __attacked__ you. It's a win-win" _I say as I walk closer to her. I think possessive Elena might be up there in my top 5 favourite looks on her.

She turns away from me to leave and I dart in front of her, yep, still love the way her heart jumps around when I do that. _"Don't do anything to screw this up Elena" – "Why are you doing this?" _because they need to di-

"_He's right you know, Klaus has to die, they all do" _ah brother, so nice to have someone on my side for a change. _"See? It's democracy in action" _Elena sighs and glares at Stefan before shoving me and stomping out. Spilled my drink and everything! Yeah she is _pissed_. And she's probably gonna screw it up, great.

"_Join me for a little victory drink?" _I ask my brother, but he seems more interested in being morose and depressed. Well it's nice to see sane Stefan's back. Sorta.

"_We should wait until Klaus is dead" – "Ugh. Why are you being so __extra__ broody? Didn't you see the way we stood up to Elena? I liked you on my team, must've driven her __nuts__"_ well it's not like I'm suddenly _not_ pissed off with her anymore. I just happen to like jealous Elena. She's sexy.

"_You still think she's gonna screw this up, don't you?" _yep. That'd be where I lay my money. Come on, it's _Elena_.

"_Think somebody needs to talk to her. She's not gonna listen to anything __I__ say" _so maybe you'll have better luck getting through to her.

"_Is it because of your little sleepover?" _probably not. It's not like she listened to me all that much _before _it. _"It's not my fault she decided to get __jealous__" – "well given who you chose to sleep with I would say it's 100 percent your fault"_ yeah, uh he _may _have a point there, actually.

"_Whatever. I did you a favour. Now you can come in, sweep her off her feet" _and all will be right with the world again.

"_Nah. She's better off without me. Sure as hell better off without you" _huh. Remember, when I said that I liked being a fully-functioning vampire now? I think I changed my mind. Can I have a dimmer switch please? No? Shit.

"_Fine. Neither one of us gets her. Just make sure she doesn't screw up Esther's plan" _I leave my glass of blood on the desk. It's a test. Stefan's been behaving a whole lot more,_ Stefan _like these past few days, you know, all brooding, depressive martyr style and _I_ think he's off the people stuff. We'll see if I'm right later but for now I need to call Elena.

She's not answering her phone, surely she can't be _that _mad at me? Anyway I call Ric to see if he's at home and then he can put her on the phone but he says he hasn't seen her since this morning. _"She's not answering her __phone__" _where _is _she?

"_Well I'm surprised that you have time to call what with all this Original sex you've been having" _huh? She told _Ric_? "_She told __you__?" _maybe she really _is _that mad at me. I wonder if she's more pissed off that I chose _Rebekah_, or if it's just the fact that I slept with a_nyone_. If it's one of those; I don't want you but no one else can have you either type situations.

But trying to solve the riddle that is Elena Gilbert will only put my head in the spinner for a month so I return to my conversation with Ric, one problem at a time.

"_Oh really, did she also tell you that she's having an attack of conscience about the whole Original murder thing?" _'course it wouldn't really be the Elena we all know and love if she didn't. _"Hey listen I'm not gonna judge her for having a conscience" _yep there it is.

"_Well you don't have to judge her. Just, tie her up, lock her in her room til' this is over" _oh god I should _not_ have said that. Now I have _exceptionally _indecent images of Elena, tied up, dancing around my head. I end my phone call because Ric clearly doesn't know where she is and he's out with the psycho doctor.

And then I glance at the desk. Well whadd'ya know? I was right. Glass of blood is still sitting there, untouched. Which only means that I have to add Stefan and his drinking issues to my list of problems.

Problem number one being where the hell is Elena? I send Stefan out to search for her because right now I'm guessing she's actually more likely to speak to him than me and when I come up from the basement I find an Original Elijah in my living room.

He _took_ Elena.

"_I can't find her anywhere" _Stefan says as he comes rushing in. "_Hello Stefan" – "He has Elena" _I tell my brother. God dammit why did I un-dagger him again?

"_Actually she's with Rebekah" _oh great. News just keeps gettin' better. _"As you can imagine my sister's just dying to tear her throat out" _fuck! This _cannot_ be happening. We need a plan.

"_So if you want to save Elena's life" _did he seriously include an 'if' in that? He _does_ know us, right? _"I need you to help me stop my mother" _well of course you do. Why can't you kill your own damn mother?

"_I'm a little embarrassed to admit but when it comes to killing thousand-year old resurrected witches; I'm a little rusty" _and as Elijah wisely points out, she's been dead before. She came back!

"_So what are we supposed to do?" _Stefan asks. Elijah explains that she's drawing power from Sabrina's bloodline and that bloodline needs to be broken.

"_Broken?" – "Yeah he means..." _I draw a line across my neck in the centuries old gesture symbolising death. Dead. He means dead.

"_You want us to kill them?" _Elijah says that he would do it but of course he doesn't know where they are. I can venture a guess though.

"_You have until six minutes after nine. By nine o' seven the moon'll be full and my mother will have the power she needs to kill me and my family. If you do __not__ stop her before then; Rebekah will kill Elena. So we all have our timeline. I suggest you get started" _

And with that oh so helpful advice, Original dick number one leaves my house. And Elena is trapped somewhere with the Original bitch. Fuckin' fabulous.

However, because I am a _mad _genius, I have come up with a plan. A plan that could potentially result in saving Elena, _not _killing her friends _and _taking out the Originals. Seriously, how awesome am I?

After I make a few phone calls I head down to the basement where Stefan appears to be desperately contemplating taking a head-first dive into the cooler of blood bags but I simply do not have time for one of his crisis's right now.

"_Clock's ticking. You gonna help me brainstorm a plan or are you too busy fixing a snack?" – "We need to call Bonnie, there's gotta be a way for her to stop Esther from channelling all that power" _oh no, not gonna happen and I list all the reasons why.

"_You got a better plan?" _yes actually I do. _"Worst case scenario simple mechanics: you can't draw power from a dead battery" – "Kill 'em" _yeah, if we have to. I steal his blood bag and take a drink since he's obviously not gonna make any use of it.

"_What if I told you I had a __less__ diabolical plan?" _I ask holding up the dagger. _"You wanna dagger Elijah?" _whoever, doesn't _have_ to be Elijah. Any of them that's not Klaus'll do the trick.

"_We don't know how that'll affect Klaus" – "Ironically enough, Klaus isn't our current problem" _Stefan keeps trying to find flaws in my plan and points out that no vampire can use the dagger but _"I just happen to know someone crazy enough to give it a shot." _

I call Ric back and he lets me know that the Original brothers are still drinking their way through the town's alcohol supply. _"So what's the plan?" _he asks, _"divide and conquer. First we'll need a little blonde distraction" _Klaus seems to have a thing for Blondie which can only work in our favour so she steps up to the plate to play bait.

Stefan and I drive down to the Grill and pass Ric the dagger before making ourselves scarce. Please let this work.

Ric drags Kol out into the back alley where Stef and I are waiting. _"Here grab him" _Or. Not. Dammit! Dammit! Klaus. He yanks the dagger back out and then throws Ric into the wall. And then Stefan into the other wall.

"_I should have killed you months ago" _hmm. Oh. Dear.

"_Do it. It's not gonna stop Esther from killing __you__" – "What did you say about my mother?" _oh right, he doesn't know about the spell. _"We have a lot in common; she hates you as much as I do" _Klaus darts for me and to my own credit I don't even flinch.

"_Leave him" _oh great, thanks Elijah. "_We still need him Niklaus" _yeah, guess I'm gonna have to kill a witch now. At least I _tried_. Gotta be worth something right? Elijah comes down the stairs towards me, ignoring his brother's demands for answers.

"_You tell me where the witches are or I'll tell my sister to kill Elena right now" _but it's only half past eight! _"You told me we had until after __nine__" – "I'm sure Rebekah will be more than happy to start her work early" _fucking. hell.

We don't know for s_ure_ where the witches are but the only place that makes any kind of sense is the witch's house so Stefan and I drive over there.

"_You know, if we sit this out Esther completes her spell, Klaus dies, you get your revenge. It's what you wanted the whole time. The only collateral damage is..." _nope. I can't even begin to try and finish that sentence, can't say her name.

"_Elena" _Stefan does it for me. _"You know what she'd choose" _sacrificial little lamb that she is. "_If we do this it'll wreck her" – "Ah she'll hate us. Thing is, she only has to hate one of us. Only one of us has to do the actual deed" – "Hmm. So who's it gonna be brother?" _in the aim of at least making this _look_ realistic I pull a coin out of my pocket.

"_Heads I do it, tails you do it" _but it doesn't really matter what the coin says.

"_It's an awful lot of effort for someone who pretends not to care anymore" – "Pot-kettle brother" _I flip the coin and the coin says tails but like I said, it doesn't matter. I'm the one who's doing it. I've been hated by Elena before, I can take it, I can handle it. My brother on the other hand, not so much.

I send him off in the wrong direction, towards Bonnie and I head for her mother. At least she'll still be alive. Sort of. But you can't be a witch _and_ a vampire so I feed her my blood and snap her neck.

There is no choice. I will _always _choose Elena and nothing will ever change that. Not harsh words, not fighting. Not revenge, not killing Originals. Nothing. She'll hate me for it, of course she will, ridiculously enough. She'll hate me for choosing _her _life over the life of a woman who abandoned her daughter for 16 years. But that's Elena, it's who she is and she's the girl I love, that'll never change either.

I get home to clean up and have a drink, _"she safe?" _I ask Stefan when he wanders into the room. _"Elijah kept his word, Rebekah let her go" w_ell thank god for Originals and their sacred 'words'.

"_I lost that coin toss Damon" _well I know that brother. "_Should've been me who turned Abby, why'd you do it?" _'cause you're my brother? Thought I'd even the playing field a little?

"'_Cause I'm not blind, I see what's been goin' on around here. You're hangin' by a thread Stefan, barely over your last Ripper binge and __all __you want is to be the old Stefan again" _he shakes his head at me _"that part of me is gone for good" _yeah he's a fucking beautiful liar my brother but I know him. I know what's going on, like I said, I'm not blind.

"_Oh yeah, how long's it been since you had a drop of human blood?" – "How'd you know?" _'cause I got _eyes_. I'm not stupid, I'm your brother and I know you better than anyone in the world.

"_Spend 146 years with someone you kinda start to pick up on their tells" _Stefan doesn't really know all that much about the fact that I've spent the better part of my existence following him around the place but there it is. There I was. Gotta protect my baby bro', even when I hated him.

"_Since the night I threatened to drive Elena off the Wickery Bridge" _he finally answers the question and it makes a lot of sense. _"See? You have enough to feel guilty about! Why add to the list? By the way, you're welcome" _

"_You know you're not fooling anyone either" _he says as I walk away _"you still love her Damon" _well I wasn't _trying _to fool anyone brother, of course I still love her. I'm pretty sure even a blind man could tell how in love with the girl I am.

"_I __do__. And I thought I could win her from you fair and square. She didn't want me" _of course, because how could I possibly have _ever _forgotten the resounding, _"it's always gonna be Stefan" _we can add that to the _"maybe that's the problem" _pile of words that come out of Elena's mouth that I'll never fucking forget. Not that I _forgot _in the first place, I just...chose to ignore it for a while.

"_It's for the best. I'm better at bein' the bad guy anyway" _I raise my glass towards him and walk away.

Yep. Everybody needs a bad guy to hate. The one who makes all the tough choices. The choices no one else can make. The choices other people are _afraid _to make. And I guess, in this little fucked up family, that's always gonna be my role. But that's okay. I'm the only one who can handle the part.

_Dear Diary,  
I went to see Damon this morning, to tell him about the spell Esther did and when I got to the house, Rebekah was leaving. He __slept__ with her! God I was so angry. That's not even true, I wasn't angry. I was hurt. And I was jealous. Maddeningly...jealous. I've never been so consumed with jealousy in my life. And I don't even have anything to be jealous __or __hurt by! _

_Damon doesn't belong to me! But in a lot of ways, it feels like he does. And sometimes, sometimes I want him to. And it's irrational, completely irrational that I'm so upset with him over this. But I am, and I can't seem to help it._

_When I left the house I came home and Elijah came by and asked me to take a walk with him, he knew that I was lying to him and he trapped me in the caves with Rebekah! He told Damon and Stefan that if they didn't find a way to stop his mother's spell then Rebekah would kill me. _

_And they did, find a way. Damon turned Bonnie's mother into a vampire. And I don't know whether to be upset with him because of it, or grateful to him. I went to see Bonnie but she didn't want to see me. Caroline said that everything that happened tonight was to save me and that it was okay but somehow Bonnie is always the one who gets hurt and it's all my fault. Caroline didn't come right out and say that it's my fault. But it is. It's absolutely my fault. _

_Damon told me once that he would always choose me, and he did, he saved my life again tonight but he had to take Abby's humanity to do it, and I feel so, so bad for Bonnie. She just got her mother back and now they have to deal with her being a vampire, or not, I don't even know if she's gonna complete the transition. _

_You know what's even more ridiculous? I don't know if I'm more annoyed at Damon for turning Abby. Or for sleeping with Rebekah, I am a terrible person. _

_When I got home I had a letter from Elijah, apologising for what he did to me today and he said 'your compassion is a gift, Elena, carry it with you, always and forever' which really just makes me feel even worse because I am grateful, I am grateful to still be alive, even at the price that was paid to make it happen.  
Elena_


	52. 1912

**A/N: Normally I can't stand writing flashback episodes and technically this one didn't even really need to be a complete chapter but for the sake of some epic brother-bonding and a little more insight into Elena's feelings I decided to turn it into one. I hope I managed to do a half-way decent job with the flash-back bits. If not, hopefully all the Defan love makes up for it. Enjoy & be sure to review and let me know your thoughts! P.S – Elena's diary is written before she knows for sure that Ric is the killer. **

**1912 **

"**But I'm strong;  
Strong enough to carry him  
He ain't heavy, he's my brother" **

I get a message alerting me to the news that Ric is being held in jail after being accused by the psycho doctor of being Mystic Falls' resident serial killer so I've come down to the station to see if I can talk Liz Forbes into setting him free.

"_The cell is for his own good" _she says, the crazy-doctor lady _shot _him and then used my blood to heal him right back up again.

"_Are we gonna ignore the part where he was one of the killers victims?" – "Well Dr. Fell suggested his wounds could have been self-inflicted" _of course she did. Because she's cuh-razy!

"_Stay out of this Damon. You getting involved it only gonna make matters worse" _oh yeah right, cause that's gonna happen.

"_Don't __make __me put you in that cell with him" _well okay then I guess I'm staying out of it. No _way_ am I goin' back in a cell. _Ever_. The cellar of my house I can handle. Barely. But a cell? Like an honest to goodness _cell_? Not so much. Not even for Ric. Sorry buddy. So I'm just gonna...go now.

Ah lovely, Elena's here. Looking very alive and _very_ grumpy. _"Were you just with..." – "Ric's fine" _at least she's talking to me, kind of. _"Sheriff wants me to stay out of it" – "But you're not going to...are you?" _no, obviously. I'm just gonna work it from the outside.

"_Seems just as good a plan as any" – "Your friend is in jail for murder you have to do something" _yep I know. I'm just trying to rile you up a bit, seems like that's the only way you'll talk to me these days.

"W_ell I guess I could rip out Dr. False Accusation's throat, maybe her tongue. You know I could chew it up into tiny little pieces; feed it to the squirrels" _yummy. Add some extra, flavour, to Stefan's diet.

"_Stop it Damon" – "Guess me staying out of it suddenly seems like a good idea doesn't it?" _I may as well be the one to bring up the elephant in the police station 'cause she's sure as hell not gonna do it. "_I saved your life last night. You're welcome" _not that I'll _ever _get a thank you from the girl with the biggest death with I've ever seen. Not that I even need one.

"_You know you could show a little compassion for Bonnie" _she's all indignant and righteous, standing there with her arms crossed and her judgy little eyes flaring and it's getting a _tiny _bit exasperating. _"Her and her mom must really be hurting right now. Should I send lasagne?" _the woman is still _alive_. Kinda. She's just, upgraded, to one of the walking dead. _How _can she hate me for this?

"_Now you're just being mean" _yeah yeah, I get it "_I'm mean, you __hate __me; the earth, is back on its axis" _god I worked _so _hard. _We _worked so hard, to get to where we are now. Where we were? I don't know. But to go from just a few nights ago; kissing on her front porch to _this_? Yeah. It hurts.

She turns back around to face me, _"You know if you keep pushing people away you're gonna end up alone" _and then she turns and walks away again. What does she mean? I'm not pushing her away, am I? She's the one who's mad at me. Right? Maybe she _doesn't _hate me. Although that's probably just wishful thinking.

Either way, I have murders to solve, a best friend to rescue from jail and a brother to teach because his incessant ring-tapping is driving me _insane_. Busy man, busy day.

"_Dear diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie, will haunt me forever" _I mock him when I find him sitting brooding in front of his journal.

"_What do you __want__?" _I want you to help me solve a murder brother. I wander over to his bookcase in the hopes that the journal I'm searching for will magically jump out at me but no such luck.

"_What are you doin'?" – "Diggin' up clues...we have a whodunit in town. Hey, do you remember when we came back for Zachariah's funeral?" – "Vaguely" _great well when was it? I am _beyond_ useless with dates; I barely even remember my own birthday half the time.

"_1912" _– "_So much for vaguely" _I chuck the era appropriate diary at him, _"1912, or as I like to call it: the last time Mystic Falls had a serial killer on its hands" _someone was killing council members back then too. One of them was Zachariah Salvatore, technically he wasn't really a Salvatore but the family name had to go somewhere.

I knew Stefan would return for the funeral so I followed. Hadn't seen him in person in a very long time so I figured I'd stop by and say hello. Also, I thought it might have been him who did it; there was a point where he kinda had a thing for killing the Founders. And family members, come to think of it. Although I can't really get judgemental on that front, I have been known to kill off a few family members myself mostly when they were trying to kill me, or, sell me, but that's a completely different topic.

I was an uptight _douche_ back then but when Stef asked me to go for a drink with him, he told me that he'd missed me and dammit if I hadn't been alone for 50 years and I'd kinda missed him too. Crazy, right? Anyway, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

"_Whadd'ya say brother, you wanna go get drunk?" – "I get it. You're __bored__, your best friends in jail and you don't have anything better to do with yourself" _well yeah. Obviously. _"__And__ I was hoping you could help me solve a murder" _I take the journal back and walk away. He follows in less than three seconds and we head for the Grill.

"_Ooh, she-devil nine o' clock" _Barbie Klaus. Conversing with Mrs. Mayor, honestly what's with all this making nice with Originals that's goin' on in this town?

Stefan starts his damn ring-tapping again and I tell him to stop it because otherwise I'm gonna pull the thing off and then we really _will _have issues.

"_You know, quitting blood cold turkey after a Ripper binge, probably not the best approach. Every time you play that all or nothing game you eventually leave a trail of bodies so I'm __thinking__ now's a good time to pay our old friend moderation a visit" _

Apparently though, my brother doesn't wanna talk about his inability to be a vampire and refers back to the murders instead. I, however, am convinced that we can do both. Solve the mystery of the killer _and_ solve Stef's blood-aholic issues.

I've decided the time has finally come to stop preaching to him and start _teaching _him instead. But I let it go for now, plenty of time for that later.

"_At least in 1912 they killed a Salvatore" – "Which Salvatore would that be?" _oh great, I forgot she was here. Wonder what she wants this time? "_Your family owned the logging mills back then?" _huh? Rebekah says she just wants to know the town history but something seems fishy to me.

"_You know you don't have to disguise your true motives Blondie Bex; if you want more sex just ask for it" _– _"Not enough liquor in the world" _ooh I'm hurt! _"Aw come on, it was too good for you to be this hostile" _maybe if I sleep with her again she'll tell me what she's after. Nah, probably not. And I got in enough trouble the last time I did that so I don't really wanna go through _that _again.

Stefan gets up and moves to the other side of me _"he's jonesing for some O-__positive__" _I explain to Rebekah. _"I'm not jonesing" _yeah, you are. Rebekah asks if they caught the murderer back in 1912 but they never did. Eventually the council just wrote it all off on vampires.

"_Yeah maybe it was a vampire, Damon" _Stefan's got his accusatory tone of voice on, _"don't think for a second you didn't cross my mind too brother. But these murders weren't your style were they?" _nope. No ripped off limbs to be seen for miles. At least...not until later.

"_Plus there were no other vampires circulating then" – "Well there was one other vampire. Do you remember Safe?" _oh do I ever. Yes, I remember Sage. How could I forget?

Sage is the vampire who taught _me _how to be a better vampire. As I said, back then I was a complete dick, mostly due to the fact that I hadn't had sex in about half a century. I was 'saving' myself for Katherine. Hey, it was a different time back then okay!

On top of that my brother had damned me to a lonely existence that I despised and Katherine was all I had to live for. I drank blood to survive and that was the extent of it. Sage changed all of that for me and I never looked back.

Of course I was still all caught up with getting Kit-Kat out of the tomb, but I learned to stop hating who I had become, and start embracing my eternity instead. Which is _exactly _what my brother needs to do. He's a _vampire_, we need blood to _survive_ but we don't have to kill. We don't have to _hurt_. We don't have to rip apart.

Rebekah follows Stefan and I to the dart board, _"why are you so grumpy?" _she asks him, "_he's on a master cleanse, trying to be a better man and all."_

"_I'm just not interested in slaughtering innocent human beings anymore" _and therein lies the problem. Who said anything about _slaughtering_? You see the issues I'm having here?

I take his journal and start reading from it, _"Dear diary, __Damon__ has lost his way. Though I have pulled my own life together, he continues to waste his" _harsh. Yeah. That's why _he's_ the out of control Ripper and I'm the _master_ of self-control. Because he 'pulled' his life together. Bravo Stefan.

Rebekah steals the journal from me and continues where I left off _"his bitterness consumes him, he is nothing but blackness and bile" _yeah, I've read it all before. Stef's got a whole lotta journals and I'm kinda nosy. Also I tend to have a lot of time on hands. Honestly, sometimes I think I should take up a hobby.

"_You're __doing__ it again" _I tell Stefan's annoying new habit. _"I need to uh, I gotta get out of here" _I get him to admit that he's freaking out which is Stage One in my master plan and then Rebekah and I follow him outside, I wasn't really planning on using her for Stage Two but she's here and I guess she'll come in somewhat useful.

"_So he doesn't want to drink human blood?" – "Ah, he has an eternally guilty conscience" _there's a girl getting out of her car so I speed up in front of her, compel her to keep quiet and then I bite her.

"_Damon stop" _Stefan comes and pulls me away, _"Sorry brother, its dinnertime. Have a bite" _boy looks like he's either gonna pass out or have a full-blown panic attack and we have _got_ to get this right.

"_It's tough love Stefan. You're not gonna survive this cold turkey thing you never do. It's time to get that monkey off your back" – "No. No" _Rebekah threatens to kill the girl and I tell him that he can save her.

Stef's all about bein' the good guy so he won't be able to resist the opportunity I'm presenting him with and he needs to _see_, needs to be shown that he _can _stop. That he doesn't have to drain them dry. That he doesn't have to be the Ripper. That it doesn't have to _control_ him. Eventually he takes the bait I'm offering and I send Rebekah away.

"_All right that's enough you're gonna drain her" _I get him off but he tries to come at me.

"_I said that's __enough__. Hey, you wanna fight hunger or you wanna fight __me__?" _he calms down and backs off and I bite into my wrist to heal the girl.

Well, that went as well as could be expect-_"What are you doing?" _ah fuck. Elena. Of course.

"_Stefan?" _she whispers at him, and yeah, this is probably gonna just undo _everything _that is good about what I've managed to accomplish here tonight. "_What are you two doing?" _ah 'Lena. We're doing what vampires _do_ sweetheart.

"_Relax Elena" _I hold my hands up because I know she's scared even though she _knows_ she has no reason to be. _"Just a little __experiment__, there's no need to make this more dramatic than it needs to be" _she looks thoroughly disgusted which, is just not good, so not good.

But you know, if you're gonna hang out with vampires then you're gonna see blood. Matt leads her away and I turn back to my brother.

"_So that's gonna take a little time. Stefan, hey wait. Stefan __wait_" but he doesn't wait. This time though, I go after him. Back in the day, once Sage had taught me the perks of being a vampire, I thought I might be able to share my experience with my brother, and maybe not be so lonely anymore. Yeah. It didn't really turn out that way.

I find him back in front of the fireplace, _"they let Ric go" _I tell him but he doesn't reply.

"_I know it might now seem like it but you did really well tonight. I mean, before you know it you're gonna be the __King__ of Moderation" _and still only silence greets me. God it's hard being all _supportive_ and such. Let's try a different approach.

"_Elena will understand" – "it doesn't really matter what Elena thinks" _aha! He speaks!

"_Ah-ah, none of that. No more no humanity Stefan. There is a road called recovery and we are on it" _

"_Why do you even care huh? The whole brother-bonding thing? Getting Elena to hate you? What you feel guilty because you kissed her is that it Damon?" _hell no I don't feel guilty because of that.

I'm doing it because I _get _it, the lashing out, the anger he's feeling, the hurt, the rage. It's easier to focus on that, to focus on everything that is not the _pain_. Trust me; I wrote that fucking book. But I also know that there's only so long you can keep that up before it does indeed consume you and turn you into 'blackness and bile' and I won't let that happen to him. Not again.

But more than that, I'm doing it because yeah, I feel _guilty_ because I _could_ have helped you before now and I didn't. I feel _guilty_ because I let you walk away from me and a headless girl in 1912 and I did nothing to stop you. I feel _guilty_ because if I _had_ stopped you then you wouldn't have become the fucking Ripper of Monterey.

And I feel _guilty _because you are my brother and buried somewhere fucking deep underneath all the shit I feel for you, I fucking love you.

_Wow. _Did I just...oh what the hell it's the damn truth.

'Course none of this is what I actually say to my brother. He wouldn't believe me even if I _wanted_ to. Which I don't.

"_I let you walk away. I watched you go over the edge and I didn't do anything to stop you" – "You couldn't have" _don't give me that, of course I could have. I have _always_ been stronger than you little brother.

"_I just didn't want to. But I want to now. Whenever you go too far __I__ will be there to pull you back. Every __second__, every day until you don't need me" –"Why?" _'cause I just figured out that I sorta love ya?

"'_Cause right now, you're all I got"_

Well, I would say that the brother-bonding part of our day went spectacularly well. Now it's time to try and solve the murders because we're not really any closer on that front. Tomorrow's problem I guess.

I'm in a melancholic mood and sitting playing the piano, reminiscing about the times my mother would play for me when I was just a young boy with no problems or worries whatsoever, when Stefan comes through with information from the family archives.

"_So now you wanna be helpful?" – "want me to go back to being mad at you?" _eh, not so much to be honest.

Stefan says that they never arrested anyone for the 1912 murders, but they got a confession 10 years later from one Samantha Gilbert.

"_That is very weird" – "Why?" – "Because I'm pretty sure I had already killed her" _so she must have had one of the 'come back to life' rings.

"_Jonathan Gilbert only made two of those rings. Jeremy has one of them and the others..." _

"_Alaric's"_

_Dear Diary,  
Meredith Fell accused Alaric of being the Mystic Falls serial killer and he was put in jail, so Matt and I broke into her house to search for clues and she caught us there. _

_When we left the Police Station we were walking home and we passed the Grill, where Damon and Stefan were just out in the middle of the street, feeding on some girl! Stefan was covered in blood and I don't understand what was going on. Why were they doing that? Why would Damon encourage Stefan drink human blood? He said it was an 'experiment' as if I'm supposed to know what that means! _

_Matt brought me home and he asked me what it is about them, he said that doesn't get it, my 'thing' with them so I tried to explain it as best as I can, which to be fair, isn't all that clear because even I don't get it in its entirety, but some things I know for sure. _

_I know that, when my parents died and I met Stefan, there was something about him that felt safe, which I know, is crazy, but it's like I knew that he would always be there, that he would always love me. I knew that he would never die. Or at the very least, that it would be really difficult for him to die on me. _

_And it was the same with Damon. These people, they are the ones that are not allowed to die on me, the ones that aren't supposed to die. And it made it safe to love Stefan, safe to care for Damon. _

_And then Matt asked about Damon. I told him that Damon just sort of snuck up on me, that he got under my skin and no matter what I do, I just can't seem to shake him. And then Matt said that he thinks once you fall in love with someone he doesn't think you can ever shake them. But I didn't say I was in love with him. _

_More and more often people are confronting me with my feelings for Damon and more and more often I find myself confused. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a war inside of myself and I have no idea which side of me is going to come out on top. I know that I need to try and figure out what my feelings really are for Damon, but I'm not even sure how to go about doing that. _

_One thing, I know for sure though. _

_Lexi told me that when it's 'real' you can't walk away. And all Damon has ever told me is that he wants it to be real between us. Whatever it is that is between us, I can't walk away from it. No matter how many times I've tried to walk away from Damon, I just can't make myself do it. _

_Sometimes I feel like our relationship is like watching a car-crash in motion and yet I can't stop watching. I don't want to. So I guess Damon got his wish, because no matter what else is between us, I know it's real.  
Elena_


	53. Break On Through & The Murder Of One

**A/N: Okay so, The Murder Of One: writing the dream sequence was really tricky because I couldn't figure out if Damon *knew* he was dreaming, *thought* he was dreaming, or was just plain dreaming. In the end I let him take over and write it his way and this is how it turned out so if you disagree with it, blame Damon. Not me. I take *no* responsibility. That being said read on and (hopefully) enjoy! **

**Break On Through & The Murder Of One**

_Meredith Fell, Damon, Elena and Stefan figure out that Ric is the killer; he has an alter-ego intent on murdering vampires and their aider and abettors. _

_Elena confronts Damon about the previous night's bloody-escapades and Damon tries to explain that he is helping Stefan gain control of his nature. "Stefan has built himself a delusional wagon which he has repeatedly fallen off of" but Elena doesn't seem overly willing to listen. _

_Elena calls Bonnie for help with Ric because it was a Bennett witch who created the 'come back to life rings' and Ric tells Meredith that it was him who killed her cousin, Logan Fell. _

_Damon finds Stefan binge-drinking and continues his lessons in Vampire Academy; "you're a vampire, get over it. Own it. Live it. Love it. Stop being ashamed of who you are." _

_Damon's friend Sage turns up looking for her long-lost lover suicidal Finn and she comes up with a plan to help Damon get the information he needs out of Rebekah; a sex party. Damon shows off his divine dancing skills before seducing Rebekah into his bed. Once she's sufficiently worn out Sage comes and enters her mind to extract information before showing Damon. In the shower. _

_Damon learns that there was another White Oak tree and that the wood was used to build the Wickery Bridge. He then realises Sage is gone and rushes to the bridge where he finds her and Rebekah burning the wood. He still has the restored sign though so they have a weapon that can kill the Originals. _

_Bonnie lets Elena know that there is a spell that can be cast on Alaric and Elena runs into Stefan at Alaric's apartment. Abby attacks Jamie and Bonnie brain-whammy's her to get her to stop. When Bonnie leaves to help Elena, Abby runs away again despite an invigorating lecture from Caroline. _

_Ric's alter-ego takes over and attacks Meredith, stabbing her with a kitchen knife and chasing her around the house. At home Elena realises that something is wrong with Ric and Stefan knocks him out before keeping himself in control for long enough to heal Meredith. _

_Bonnie casts the spell on Alaric and Damon comes to look after him. Elena and Bonnie share an emotional moment where Elena begs for forgiveness which Bonnie gladly provides. _

"_Just having a little toast...to control"_

**The Murder Of One**

"**All your love, is just a dream, dream, dream"**

Man it is gonna be a good day! I know, I know, Ric's a serial killer. Sorta. Elena's _still _not speaking to me. Much. And Stefan's probably one bad haircut away from a relapse but _I_ am an eternal optimist and as such I refuse to let these things bring me down.

We _finally_ have a chance to take out the Originals and I am determined to see this through to the bitter end. Their time has come. To an end.

"_Morning sunshine" _I open Ric's front door to Numero Uno on my problems list. Elena Gilbert. _Really _need to work on getting back in her good books.

"_Hey. How's Alaric?" _she asks as she tries to come inside. _"Indecent, but fine" _I tell her, moving slightly so she can't. _"Why do I feel like you_'_re hiding something from me?" _uh 'cause I am and you know me really well? _"well maybe because you're being all, paranoid and control-freaky."_

I grab the bag she's holding out of her hand before she can continue her line of questioning, "_What'd you bring me? Oooh chocolate muffins. You know what they say; the way to a psycho killer's heart is through his stomach" – "They're not for you." _

Oh really? Even thoughshe _knows_ that I love chocolate muffins. Uh-huh, I believe ya' 'Lena.

"_Fine, keep convincing yourself you're still mad at me but __sadly__ Ric's gonna have to miss Elena-time today" _yep, sucks to be him. _"You know lockdown and all" – "Just take it and give it to him and tell him I miss him okay?" _she asks thrusting the muffins back at me.

Well I will, but she knows for _sure _I'm stealing one of them. Otherwise she wouldn't have brought two. Poor Stef, no muffins for him, maybe Ric'll share his. _"With pleasure. Have a good day, thanks for coming by" _I say as I close the door on her.

I hear her exasperated little huff on the other side of the door, _"walking down the stairs, opening front door aaand...she's gone" _and we are back in business. Ric, Stef and I are making stakes out of the Wickery Bridge sign. Mrs. Mayor's probably not gonna be happy to find out that it's conveniently disappeared but she can suck it.

"_This needs to have a sharper point" _Bossy-Pants Stefan says handing me one of the stakes back, _"got it" – "We finally have enough stakes to kill an Original. I'm not gonna miss 'cause you can't whittle" _right crazy, I said I got it. And I _can w_hittle, you're just being all controlling.

"_I'm gonna call the Sheriff, wanna turn myself in" _say what now? No. What's with all the crazy goin' on today? _"No you don't" – "I have a homicidal alter-ego, unlike some people in this room I would like to take responsibility for the people I've killed" _well there ya' go, you just did.

"_If you wanted to turn yourself in you wouldn't be saying it out loud" _no, you're just another person affected by all the, well, crazy, and confused about where to draw the lines between right and wrong. Welcome to the club man. Pull up a chair.

"_Listen of all people you cannot psychoanalyse me. I killed Caroline's father, I nearly killed Meredith. Everything's changed" _Pah! _Nothing _has changed. Except Bill 'torture' Forbes is dead and good riddance I say.

"_Look you're not turning yourself in" _my brother joins in the debate. "_Bonnie's herbs are working and we have Originals to kill" _that's right Mr. Vampire Slayer. Get slayin'.

"_His morals get very questionably when he has revenge on the brain" _I explain to Ric on my brother's behalf.

"_Klaus has to die, we finally have a chance to kill him so you are not turning yourself in" _case in point. And I concur.

I stand up and hold out Ric's ring "_put it on" – "that ring is the reason I've killed people" _yeah, but it's _also _the reason you're still standing. _"You're going vampire hunting Ric. Wear it" _he takes the ring and we send a group message telling the rest of the gang to meet us in the woods.

"_Where's Bonnie? I texted her too" – "Uh, Bonnie's mom bailed on her" _again? Huh, clearly vampirism did nothing to improve her parenting skills then.

"_What are we doing here?" _ooh allow me to explain that one please, _"we found some more White Oak. Long story, wait for the movie" _on second thought that is one story I most probably _don't_ wanna share with Elena.

"_Hang on, White Oak? You have a weapon that can kill Klaus?" _nope. We have _lots_ of weapons. Plenty to go around. We put into motion a little training session just in case someone manages to catch an Original off guard.

"_Scenario number one" _I take Elena by the shoulders and pull her over to stand between Stefan and me, _"__you__ get to play Klaus" _but she shrugs me off and gives me a _look_. What, no touching allowed anymore either? _Sucks. _

"_We need to keep Klaus separate and occupied: Caroline" – "Why do I always have to be Klaus bait?" _well because he's _clearly_ in love with you for whatever reason. It really does work well for us though.

I tell Matt to keep Rebekah distracted, _"how?" – "act interested, she's lonely, desperate" – "Clearly she slept with you" _seriously Elena? Is there anyone you _haven't_ told about that? And screw you Blondie. Oh wait! I already _did_.

I grab Caroline's arms and pin them behind her back to demonstrate our plan of action but I do it with a _little _more force than is strictly necessary as payback for the 'desperate' comment.

"_No last minute attacks of pity for __any__ of them" _yes Elena, I'm talking to you. _"Don't worry about me, not after what happened to Bonnie's mom" _great, the gang's all on board. Stefan hands Elena a crossbow and we continue our training session.

After a couple more exercises we all grab our stakes and head our separate ways. Back at the house I'm putting my stake in the firewood bucket when Ric arrives.

"_I mean, did you learn nothing from the moonstone in the soap-dish?" _oh god don't remind me. _Most_ of the time, the most obvious place is the dead last place people think to look. Unless you're Katherine Pierce. Obviously.

"_Where'd you put yours?" _before Ric replies there's a disturbing noise from downstairs that I _know_ is not Stefan 'cause he was going a-hunting. _"What the hell was that?" _I head down the stairs and then _"Ric?" _huh? Ric came flying down the stairs. At least he's not dea-_"Oh!" _fuck. _"Hello lover"_ Barbie Klaus. And then. Kidnap.

Yep. She stole me. Fuck my life. She manacles my wrists to _bear_ traps. _"I found them in the shed. What kind of monster would trap a poor defenceless animal?" _well _you_. Clearly. But fuck it hurts.

"_Gotta admit, even for me it's a __little__ kinky" – "You pretended to be interested in me, and then you slept with me so your trampy little friend Sage could steal my thoughts" _that I did. Have I mentioned that I might _not_ be the nicest guy in the world? 'Cause I kinda thought it was implied.

"_I've decided to bleed the vervain from your system" _she rips open my shirt and slices into my chest. Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally adverse to a little pain, in the _bedroom_. But generally speaking I like to get some _gratification_ in return. Somehow though I don't really think that's what Blondie Bex has planned for this afternoon's fun.

"_You wanna __compel__ me to be your boyfriend?" _god that would be bad. _"Actually I'd rather compel you to kill your brother. Or Elena" _shit. Yeah that's, not good. No. She'll have to rip my eyelids off first. Ew! Gross.

But seriously, just. No. I _think_ though, that if she _did_, I think I could resist it. For my brother? For _Elena_? I would fight it, so fucking hard. Or I'd kill _myself_ trying. Rebekah slices her fancy knife into my carotid artery and it sti-ngs! Payback is a _bitch. _

I just really hope that when Ric inevitably tells my brother what happened that Stef sticks with the plan. See Original – Kill Original. He can come in on his white horse and rescue me when they're all dead. Ooh yeah, that means any compulsion won't stick either.

I can handle the pain and my brother knows this, fortunately he's also well and truly in revenge mode and I wasn't lying earlier when I said his morals get questionable, so I'm almost certain he'll stick with the plan. Just a shame I won't be there to see them all fall down.

Klaus comes through and makes some suggestions to Rebekah but I only really hear something about hanging me upside down which I _really_ hope she doesn't decide to do. _"Go and manage your witch" _huh? Witch? Bonnie? Where?

Never mind. Rebekah comes back and start cutting into me again and it's all very nostalgia inducing. At least this time it's only my blood I'm losing instead of actual organs and whatnot. Yeah. I can stand the pain. No problems over here.

_Elena. _No. Not good. _"What are you doing? Rebekah will kill you" _she is _suicidal_! Why would Stefan let her come here?

"_Hurry up and tell me what to do" _oh but relief from the pain in my wrists does sound so appealing. _"Open. Carefully" _Elena opens the traps and I collapse on her.

She smells funny. I don't mean...I mean she smells _different_. Not...like Elena. Oh god I'm not making any sense. She starts to drag me out but it's painful an-_"come on, come on we have to keep going" _but I can't. Which makes no sense. God but I'm confused, what's wrong with me?

I survived for 5 years on one measly ration of blood a day and I managed to walk away alone; and now I can't move unaided? Something feels wrong.

"_I need a minute" _but Elena is here, she came after me and she's touching me. _"Look at me. Look at me" _no I can't, because if I look at you then you might not be real. And I want you to be real.

"_Don't be an idiot Elena" _she grabs my face "_I am __not__ going to leave you. Damon, no" _she puts her wrist to my mouth and I'm almost _certain _that this isn't real now. Can't be real. I must have passed out. Must be dreaming. Because Elena only ever offers me her blood willingly in my very _best_ dreams.

But I figure I may as well make the most of it while I can, _"hey __drink__" _god I like this dream. I got the taste wrong though. That's unusual too.

And then I wake up.

And that's when I get it. It _was_ a dream. But it wasn't _mine_. Rebekah planted it.

"_Bitch" _well at least that explains why Elena didn't smell or taste right.

"_It's not fun when someone messes with your thoughts is it?" – "Actually I was having a pretty good time in there" _could ya maybe send me back? My dreams are much better though. At the very least they involve _much_ less torture and _much_ less clothing.

"_Oh come on, I couldn'ta hurt you __that__ bad. You didn't think I really had a thing for you did ya?" _'cause if you did then you have _not_ been paying attention. I'm a one-woman man. Kinda. At the very least I'm a _love_ one-woman man. Everyone else is either entertainment of distraction. Or, in Rebekah's case, a fact-finding mission.

She stabs me right in the side which fucking hurts but as long as she's talking and stabbing she's not compelling which works for me, because if she can get in my dreams then it means the vervain is gone so she could compel me anytime.

Bonnie. Bonnie is here. What did she do?

"_Go on, help him. Save the man who turned your mother into a vampire" _yeah, let's go ahead and add that to my list of things that are never gonna happen. We'll slot it right in between 'going back in a cell' and 'Elena ever being mine'.

Why aren't the cavalry here yet? I feel like I've been here for-fucking-ever and surely they should have caught an Original by now? The place is crawling with them!

Ah, brother, good new – what's he got?

"_Huh, this was __much__ different in my head" – "Klaus! I'm here. Let's do this" _do what now? What's going on? Have I mentioned how much I _hate_ not knowing things?

"_What do you want?" _Stefan throws a bag at Klaus's feet. What's in the bag brother? 'cause it looks suspiciously like the bag with the stakes.

"_Stefan what are you doin'?" – "Eight stakes made of White oak. The part of Wickery Bridge that you forgot to burn" _huh? No! Wait...eight? That's not right. We have more than that! Clever Stefan!

"_Finn's dead" _really? How the fuck are they still – Bonnie! Dammit all to hell! That's what the witch was doing here.

Shit Klaus is walking over towards me. _"Leave" _he demands."_No" – "I said: go home" _he compels.

Well okay then. Guess I'll be leaving now. I fucking _hate_ being compelled. It's like trying to breathe underwater. You want to fight it. You want to struggle against it. You want to _breathe_ but you simply can't. And it fucking hurts, trying to leave I mean.

I can't follow that line of thought too closely though because _I _am a fucking vampire and I have to compel and have compelled hundreds of people. I don't know if that's how the humans feel and I don't _want_ to know. 'Course I don't _usually_ compel people to try and escape bear traps. I'm all about the no fear.

Finally he lets me stop, which is great because I was about to try and chew my wrists off. Unfortunately I know what's coming next and I think I might have preferred the pain.

"_Minus the stake that's in my brother, how many more stakes are out there that can kill me?" _god dammit where's Bill Forbes when you need him? Never mind, forget I asked that.

"_Eleven" – "Eleven, really? So not __eight__ then" _Stefan says he'll get the rest so does that mean I get to come down now? No, apparently not, seems they want to shout at each other some first.

"_What is wrong with __you__? Do you really have no appreciation for me? I have given you someone to hate, to loathe. A __target__ for all of your anger so you don't have to turn it on yourself, I have given your life purpose as your __friend__. I mean, I really think you should be thanking me" _

God why can't this party just be over already? Stefan rushes for Klaus with one of the stakes when he finishes his little speech but he'll never be able to take him alone.

And then, sweet, blissful relief, Rebekah comes and unshackles me and I fall to my knees. My hands fucking hurt and I need blood. Help a brother out Stef? Please?

Stefan helps me home where I get some much needed replenishment for my poor battered body and I get filled in on the latest unfortunate development in our Original drama. Apparently, when you kill an Original every vampire that they ever turned and so on and so forth also dies. So, I'm gonna go ahead and say it was a good thing we stopped Esther's plan then.

Now though, it means that we not only need to find _another_ way to kill them, we _also_ need to figure out who _not_ to kill to ensure that we also, do not simply cease to exist. Two more problems to add to my rapidly increasing list of them.

Personally I'm beginning to question the sanity of staying in this town. Maybe we should reconsider my previous suggestion to pack up shop and find a deserted island to live on instead.

I leave Stef in the house with Elena and come to track down Ric's stake so we can hand the rest over to Klaus.

"_Need your stake" _I tell him when he answers the door. He hid it in a bookshelf? Weird.

"_Where the hell is it?" – "Ha-ha look harder Ric" _it's not there. God. _Dammit_.

"_Who else did you __tell__ Ric?" – "I didn't tell anybody Damon I'm the only...I'm the only one who knew about it Damon" _ah crap.

"_Are you telling me that your vampire hating alter-ego has a stake that can kill an entire line of vampires; __possibly__ mine?" – "That's exactly what I'm telling you." _

Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be? Yeah. Make that _three_ new problems.

I want to go back to dreamland.

_Dear Diary,  
So I think I'm beginning to believe that we should just give up on our ideas to kill Klaus. It never works, we fail every time and I should probably just resign myself to being his personal blood-bag for the rest of my life. I am so tired of failing! _

_I know Damon and Stefan will never give up though, they'll keep trying to kill him even if it means them dying in the process because they're doing it to protect me. Rebekah took Damon today, stole him right out of the house! I'm not exactly sure what went on because Damon didn't say that much about it but she definitely hurt him because when he got home he was covered in blood and he didn't look so good. I don't really feel bad for daggering her anymore now. _

_When I found out that Rebekah took him I wanted to go after him, I told Stefan that we should but he refused to listen to me. I wanted to go myself, but I knew that walking into that house would be suicide so I had to stick with the plan. We did kill one of the Originals, Finn, but by that time Klaus had had Bonnie unlink them all so the others are all still alive. _

_We found out that when an Original dies every vampire from their bloodline dies along with them and I thought about what happened with Bonnie's mom. When Esther was doing her spell, if I had known then what I know now? Would I have been so upset with Damon for turning Abby? If I had known that killing all of the Originals would have killed Damon and Stefan too?_

_It scares me that there is a part of me that would sacrifice almost anyone to save the Salvatores. That would give up almost everything...anyone, to save them. But that part of me does exist, and I can't deny that. Though I'll probably never say it out loud. _

_Stefan and I talked tonight, he's been much more, __himself__ recently and I think it's because Damon is helping him, he's teaching him how to control the bloodlust and learn moderation. _

_Stefan said that he lost me in the process of trying to destroy Klaus and I couldn't answer him because I don't really know if that's true or not. I told him that I still love him, that I never stopped loving him, but I don't know whether we can go back or not yet. I still have to work that part out. _

_And then, then he said that I'm in love with Damon too. I tried to deny it but then Stefan said that he loves me, that he will always love me but he just wanted me to tell him that I didn't feel anything for Damon. _

_I tried to, I really did but I couldn't say anything for a really long time. The silence went on for what felt like hours until eventually all I could say was that I don't know what I feel. _

_But if even Stefan thinks I'm in love with his brother, then I guess that maybe I need to at least start considering the fact that I might be. I am really confused about my feelings and I feel like I talk myself in circles over and over about Damon but the only way I'm going to figure it out is if I __try __to figure it out. _

_So to that end, Damon and I are going to go and get Jeremy from Denver. It's equally as dangerous for him to be in Denver as it is for him to be in Mystic Falls now that we know Klaus knows where he is and we're hoping he can help us contact Rose who will be able to tell us who sired her, and more than anything else, I just miss my brother. I want him to come home.  
Elena_


	54. Heart Of Darkness

**A/N: So this was a slightly difficult one to write, although I ended up loving it in the end. But the whole atmosphere of this episode was sort of intense and I both love and hate this one. **_**Anyway**_** I hope it works for you guys. Also, it's long, like *really* long, so bring refreshments. And review! Please, 'cause I've been more nervous about this chapter than any other one so far. Speaking of reviews, for some reason FF won't let me view my reviews from yesterday which is why I haven't replied, does anyone know why it's being weird? **

**Heart Of Darkness **

"**All this devotion, I never knew at all  
And the crashes are heaven/For a sinner released  
The arms of the ocean, delivered me  
Never let me go"**

I have good news for a change. Elena and I are taking a trip to Denver. Together. Just the two of us. Alone.

I mean, we're going to pick up her baby 'bro and bring him home, hopefully find out who the daddy of our bloodline is along the way but still, it's me and Elena. On a road-trip. Alone. In my book, that's good news.

Also good news is that this impromptu trip means that I don't have to be the one to potentially torture the whereabouts of the last remaining White Oak stake out of my best friend. Not that I couldn't have done it, but I don't particularly _want _to. So Stefan is taking on that job.

Stefan. Who seems oddly, _okay_, with Elena and me travelling the country together. Alone. But hey, I'm not gonna complain. Also did I mention that we're gonna be alone?

Elena and I pack a bag for Ric who will be staying in the cellar of Casa Salvatore until his alter-ego comes out to play for long enough to tell us where he hid the stake. I slipped a copy of Jekyll & Hyde in his bag when Elena wasn't looking. I figured Ric'd appreciate the irony.

Let's just hope Stef has the balls to do what needs to be done, if it comes to that. 'Cause we've already searched the whole bloody town for the thing and let me assure you, he hid it well. And if we can't find it then we're gonna have one hell of a pissed of Original to deal with. And probably a permanent cellar-guest as well.

I come down and drop my bag in the hallway and find my brother staring off into the fireplace. Maybe he's _not _as okay with this trip as I first thought.

"_You heard from Klaus?" _I ask him. "_Not yet. I'm sure I will soon though, he's expecting me to deliver __two__ stakes. I only have one" _yeah. _Everywhere_. We looked everywhere; I literally have _no _clue where he could have put it.

"_I'll get it out of Alaric, I just need some time" – "I like that confidence Stefan. I don't share it, but I __like__ it" – "You don't think I can do what it takes?" _ah, I reckon you can brother, if you have'ta. But he's Sane Stefan again and Sane Stefan doesn't have such questionable morals, so it might take a little more persuasion for him to do what needs done.

"_Well you're good Stefan again. Sorry you might get the girl but you lose the edge" _he gives me one of his smiles that lies halfway between 'sad' and 'I know something you don't know' but he doesn't reply. Ah, 'Lena's coming, I take the bags outside and give them a minute to say goodbye in peace and then we're away.

Something feels oddly _off_ with Elena. She's strangely quiet and more than a little fidgety, all wringing hands and breathy little sighs. It takes about an hour of this before I conclude that something is definitely up with her and only a little longer until I ask her what the heck's wrong.

Unfortunately all I get out of her is the standard girl response of 'nothing, I'm fine' so I chalk it up to her being worried about her brother and Ric and drop the subject. And then we're in Denver.

"_There he is" _we stand and observe Baby Gilbert's batting skills for a minute, which are rubbish if I'm being perfectly honest. _"Next time we compel him, remind me to make him better at baseball" _and again with the huffy little sighs. Seriously what is _up_ with this girl today?

"_Hey Jer!" – "Elena?" _well I didn't bring Katherine with me! He looks past his sister to me, _"what's wrong?" _smart kid.

I explain what's going on at home and then get to the part that explains half of the reason we're here, _"Katherine sired us, Rose sired Katherine, now all we need to find out is who sired Rose" _sounds so simple when you put it like that doesn't it?

"_So you travelled across the country to get me to talk to a dead vampire?" _no. I travelled across the country because your sister asked me to come with her to pick you up. Speaking to Rose is just an added bonus.

"_Dead vampire is redundant but yes" – "Well I __can't__. I can talk to Anna and Vicki because I knew them. I've never even __met__ Rose" _oh for fuck sake, can nothing be effortless? For once?

"_What good is you coming back to life if you can't talk to a __ghost __when I need you to?" _useless. I am s_urrounded _by useless people!

"_Rose spent a long time running from Klaus as well, she and Damon were close so maybe we can use him as a connection" _okay, Elena may not be as useless as the rest of them. Also? That's honestly the most she's said since we started this damn trip that _she_ asked _me _to come on.

"_Fine, fine, can we do this later? My friend just got here and __yes__ Damon I actually have some" _is it just me or did Baby Gilbert get _extra _grumpy since we sent him packing?

"_I'll call you when I'm done" _did I mess up the compulsion somehow? "_Jer" _because he doesn't even seem that thrilled to see Ele-_"Damon its Kol" _wha-fuuuuck! Oh god. Ouch.

"_Jeremy get back he's an Original" _a fucking _dead _Original in a minute! Christ he _totally _broke my jaw. But he also broke his baseball bat on said jaw so I'll have _that _thank you very much. When he comes at me again I shove my baseball stake in his chest.

One temporarily dead Original, Damon Salvatore, at your service. I'm sure we've done this part before.

"_Did you kill him?" – "No but it'll give us a head-start" _I reach out for Elena who is just standing there in shock, _"come on" _I say and try to lead her away. Nothing, still in shock then. I stroke her shoulders gently, _"come on"_ and then just pull her away.

We stop by the house Jeremy's been living at so he can pick up his things and while he's inside Elena asks if we can stop at a motel. She says she wants to rest and if we stop we can try and contact Rose. I'd much rather be taking us to a fancy hotel but needs must so I drive us to a crappy little place off the beaten track.

"_For the record, she's the one who wanted to stop at a motel, not me" _why did I say that? All it does is earn me a death-glare and probably another hour of the silent treatment from Elena. Was this her idea of a fun-filled trip with Damon? 'Cause I'm beginning to consider requesting a refund.

"_So where are we?" _Denver. Silly boy. _"Corner of somewhere and nowhere where Kol can't find us" – "I can't believe Kol was a vampire" – "Well didn't you find it weird that you made a friend so fast? Have you __met__ you?" _and again, another glare from Elena. _"Not helping" _and probably _two_ hours of the silent treatment.

You know, here's a thought. _Maybe_ if she _told_ me what was wrong with her I might actually be able to help? But I'm guessing that brilliant idea never occurred to her.

"_All right Whoopi what'd you need? Candles, incense, pottery wheel?" – "That's not how this works" _oh I know, I know, please could we _not_ tell your sister that I bashed your head off a picnic table right now 'cause apparently she's already pissed at me.

"_You uh, got a picture of her?" _kid, really? _"A picture? From what our trip to Disneyland? Come on Rose, you're not gonna actually make us wait are ya? I know you're obsessed with meee" _actually it is a _little_ creepy if you think about it. Ghosts, just, hangin' around, watchin' us all the time. And _another_ angry huff from Elena. Honestly I think I might start counting them. What does she want from me? What did I _do_?

"_All right, uh, tell me something about her" – "Um well" _ah what can I say? I sit down on the bed and get comfortable. We could be here for a while. _"She did this little thing with her tongue" _ve-ry sexy.

"_Something that __matters__, Damon" _Little Miss Grumpy Pants scolds me.

God fine, something that 'matter's', I've only ever told one other person about the night I killed Rose. About the dream, and that was Ric. And I was drunk. Very, drunk. But I don't really have anything else to go on so I'll give it a shot.

"_She spent her last day in paradise. Soaking in the sun, reminiscing about what it meant to be human" _and giving me some _very_ questionable advice. _"And when death came, she didn't fear it" – "I was with her on her last day and she definitely __wasn't__ in paradise" _not when she was awake 'Lena, no.

"_It was in the dream he gave her. She's here" _fabulous, it worked then.

_Sucks_ that I don't get to see her, Rose was good to me. She was a friend when I really needed one. And I still feel guilty that she died because of me. I hope she's happy. I hope I was right when I said that I thought she would get to see whoever she wanted to see, _after_. I hope she found Trevor.

"_Is she lonely on the Other Side?" _Elena asks the question that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to and I'm not even sure I want to know the answer. _"She says not to worry, she's happy" _oh thank fuck.

"_Is she still hot?" – "She misses you. She uh, she misses both of you" _well Baby Gilbert definitely did some editing of that translation, god I wanna know what she _really_ said. Think Elena would let me compel it out of him?

"_She was sired by someone named Mary Porter" – "Ugh. Scary Mary, well where is she Rose?" _last time _I_ saw her was New Orleans, some-time in the late 30's, if memory serves. Rose says she'll try and track her down so now we just have to wait, and hope we don't get discovered by Kol.

I'm outside bringing back ice when Stefan calls me, _"there you are, any sign of Evil-Aric?" – "Nope only dead Alaric" _you _killed_ him? Why? _"What?" – "Don't worry he was wearing the ring. Klaus was here, let's just say he's not very patient" _oh, Klaus killed him, well that makes more sense.

"_Kol must've told him we were in Denver. How long's Ric been out?" – "A few hours, I'm hoping when he wakes up it won't be him, it'll be the other him" _well if it's not then he's gonna have to start gettin' creative, we can't wait around forever.

"_Were you able to contact Rose?" – "Yeah, no answers yet so we're just stuck in this __motel__ til' she gets back to us" _my brother, so fun to rile up. Wait for it..._"A __motel__?" _there it is!

"_Yeah we had to get away from Kol. Call you when I know more" _I hang up the phone. Makes _no_ difference to me that there's nothing going on at this motel, he doesn't know that and I need an injection of fun in this otherwise strange, and frankly, depressing day.

I walk back into the room and the atmosphere suddenly shifts in that way that you just _know _they were talking about me. Dammit why wasn't I paying attention?

"_Everything okay in here?" –"Yeah it's fine" _sure it is Elena, sure it is. Honestly this girls mood-swings are enough to give me whiplash today.

"_Okay, well I'm gonna freshen up. You might wanna get some rest, I'm sure Rose will make herself known when she gets back" _how the hell does anyone e_ver_ understand girls? I mean, I have what, over a century and a half's experience with the fairer sex and yet I can't figure out w_hat _is going on with the girl I love.

Why would she ask me to come with her; if she's just gonna basically ignore me the whole time? Really, Elena Gilbert is just, a riddle within a puzzle within a jigsaw. It's probably better if I just give up trying to solve her, at least for tonight.

I come out of the bathroom, grab my bourbon and take a seat beside the window. My brain is working a million miles a minute and I couldn't sleep if I wanted to. I also need to stay awake in case of Originals. Not that it matters, I don't _need _to sleep much, I just do it 'cause I like dreamland.

Huh. Elena is, staring at me. Was. I mean. I looked and then she closed her eyes. And now she's pretending to sleep. I'm confused. And then she opens them again and she's looking at me, in a way that she doesn't do too often.

With a certain softness, and an emotion I refuse to attach a name to in her eyes. See? Mood swings – whiplash.

But I'll be damned; again, if I don't take my chances whenever they appear so I walk over to the bed and lie down beside her.

"_You never told me about that, what do you did for Rose"_ ah, that explains the softness then. Elena loves it when I do the whole 'better man' thing, makes certain things that she feels easier for her to accept.

"_Wasn't about you" _that's not really true. I mean, it wasn't about her, but that's not really why I didn't tell her.

"_Why don't you let people see the good in you?" – "Because when people see good; they expect good" _I turn around to face her because _this _is why I didn't tell her.

"_And I don't wanna have to live up to anyone's expectations" _because eventually I'll just fail them. I'll let them down, or hurt them or something equally bad to make you realise that it was a bad idea to care in the first place.

Elena's heart starts pounding in her chest and she turns away from me to lie on her back, she's a little breathless and her arm drops down on the bed and her hand brushes mine. So I take it.

I don't know what's going on here exactly but I think I like it.

But then she gets up and leaves. And I don't like that.

I can normally read Elena like an open book but today and _tonight _have been different. And yet, I know that she's trying to fight herself. To fight what she feels for me. And I'm not gonna let her do it. Not this night. Not this time.

So I follow her outside.

"_Don't" _I'm pretty sure she really means 'do'.

"_Why not?" _for the love of _god _why not?

"_Elena" _please. Her name falls from my mouth like a desperate plea, and it is. It really is.

And then she's kissing me. She's kissing me and it's heaven again but it's so _different _from before. She's kissing me as if she's desperate, as if she _needs_ me as much as I need her. Her hands are _on_ me and all over me, in my hair and as I back her into the wall, or something, she's pulling at me as if she wants to pull me inside of her, as if she wants me to be a part of her. And I do. I really, really do.

I give her everything I have, everything that is mine but really hers, my love, my need, my desire, my passion, I give her all of it as she attacks my mouth with lips that are both soft and hard all at once and I think I'm _drowning_ in her mouth.

And then I'm kissing and nipping at her neck and I'm touching her _everywhere _and the smell of her arousal is _burning_ and her skin torches me and it's _hot _and sweet and I feel like I'm going to come apart just from this.

She reaches for my face and pulls me back to her mouth, biting at my lips before locking eyes with me and she clearly finds whatever it is that she's looking for in them because then her lips are crashing back onto mine and I want to lose myself in this moment _forever_.

I want to stay in her mouth, I want to feel her tongue, soft and warm and wet, battling with mine, I want to hear her gasps and her moans for-fucking-ever and I feel like there should be an epic fucking love song swelling underneath this kiss because it is _everything _and it deserves acknowledgement.

And then all I know is that I _want. _I _need. _I _crave_.

"_Elena" _No!

No. No. No. A _million_ times no.

"_Oh my god Jeremy I..." _No.

Snapping his neck again would be a _bad _idea right now? Right?

Right.

"_Rose found Mary. She lives in Kansas" _who the fuck cares? Don't wanna go to Kansas Toto.

Wanna stay here and make beautiful, _glorious_ love to your sister _All. Night. Long_. And I'm pre-tty sure she'd let me.

"_Okay then. Let's go" _I walk past him and I think if looks could kill then Jeremy Gilbert would be burning a thousand deaths right now. Slowly. Painfully. Over. And Over. And Over Again.

I take back _everything _I said about this day being depressing or a bad idea or whatever other shit I said earlier.

That kiss, that just made everything about this day the best day in a very fucking long time. Also? Way more than _just _a kiss. That was the best fucking kiss I've ever had and I been around a damn long time and kissed a lotta girls.

We finally arrive at the address Rose gave up and pile out of the car after what was the world's most awkward car ride ever.

"_Wait here" _Elena tells her brother, "_Why__? So you guys can make out some more?" _oh god please say yes. _"Don't be a dick. Listen to your sister" _go back to the car, just in case there's a chance we're going for round two which would hopefully involve more nakedness. He does go back to the car, and Elena and I go inside.

She asks how I knew Scary Mary but I thought that was implied, _"I said she was creepy not __ugly__" _there's a loud bang from a cupboard and Elena nearly jumps out of her skin before attaching herself to me for a second. So ironic, she's with a vampire, in a vampire's house in the dark and she's afraid of a bump in the night. She's kinda cute, huh?

Oh. Great. _"Mary" _dead, staked, to be precise.

"_Quite contrary" _fuck. Kol. Ah dammit, this is a _most _unfortunate situation. Kol babbles on about Mary while I try and figure us a way out of this.

"_She was a bit of an Original groupie" – "And were you her favourite?" _Elena asks. Well at least one of us is still capable of rational thought. I think my brain stopped functioning properly somewhere around mid-kiss.

"_I spoke to my brother, I know you're trying to find out who you're descended from" _oh surprise, surprise.

I know he's going to attack me but it still manages to catch me off guard and I'm on the ground before I can blink. He hits me with yet another baseball bat a couple of times; does he just carry these things around with him?

"_Elena__ get outta here" _to my utter delight she actually does what I ask for a change and at least _tries t_o save herself this time, but Kol stops her and throws her on the bed and I see red fury, and then I'm on my feet and I've got my hands around his neck. _"Don't touch her" _Jesus he's strong though.

He throws me off and great, now my arm is broken as well.

"_Relax darling, I just want us to be even. You snapped my neck, you killed my brother" _well now actually that one wasn't on me. I was being tortured by your sister when that went down. _"And then you humiliated me" _he hits me three more times with his stupid bat. "_There, now we're even" _and he's gone.

Fuck. These Originals really like their pain and torture, don't they?

"_You okay?" _uh, I think so? _"Yeah" _just need to set my bones back in place and I'm all better.

I reach out and lay my hand on Elena's face; she's got a cut above her eye. Fucking Original bastard. "_You okay? You're bleeding?" – "Yeah I'll be fine" _she reaches for my hand and then she's staring at my lips, is this the part where we kiss again? 'Cause I am _more _than okay with that.

Hm. Apparently not, she pulls her hand away and turns from me. _"What are you doing?" – "What do you mean?" _I'm not exactly sure, truth be told.

"_Well, this trip, you kissing me. What the hell is this?" _I know I probably sound like a girl trying to define our relationship but dammit it's been a confusing day and I just wanna know what's going on.

"_Stefan thinks that I have feelings for you" _say what now? I'm here because my _brother_ thinks that you have feelings for me? Are you _fucking _kidding me right now?

And this will be the _stupidest _question I've ever asked in my life but I'm going to ask it anyway.

"_Do you?" _oh god there was way more hope in my voice when I asked that question than I intended there to be.

I mean, of course she does, I know this, she knows this. You don't kiss like _that_ if you don't have feelings for someone. But I also know she won't admit it; which is why it's a stupid question.

"_I don't...I don't...I don't __know__"_ well of course you do honey, you know fine well. You just won't allow yourself to admit it because you're too damn scared and even though I understand this, it still hurts and makes me angry all the same. She's a fucking beautiful little liar.

"_Hm. Guess you thought that this little trip could help you figure that out didn't you?" _and I get it now, why she's been so weird all day. But I feel like I got _played_ and I'm _pissed_. And by my _brother _no less.

"_No" – "Or maybe you're hoping I'll __screw __it up so I can just make the decision for you, am I wrong? Am I __wrong__?" _

"_It's what you do Damon. You sabotage things. I mean think about it, every time there's a bump in the road you __lash__ out" _I take a step closer to her because this is actually important.

"_What if I didn't? What if there was no __bump__?" _she doesn't answer but that's okay because I know the truth. I know who she is, and I know her truth, buried fucking deep underneath all of her _expectations _and lies she tells herself to make life easier.

Truth is, she loves the bumps. We all do. There will _always_ be 'bumps' with me. Because hell yes I'm gonna make mistakes, it's who I am. But aren't the bumps in the fucking road what make it special? Isn't it better to build something _through t_he bumps?

To overcome the challenges, the fights, the pain, and bring out something fucking beautiful in the end? I'd much rather have that, than it just be plain sailing all the time. Life would be boring as shit if it was, and I know that's what she wants too, she just won't fucking admit that either.

"_I'm sorry __Elena __but this time I'm not gonna make it so easy for ya'. This time you'll have to figure it out for yourself." _

I was wrong earlier. The drive _to _Kansas was not the world's most awkward drive. _This_, this is the world's most awkward drive. You could cut the tension in this car with a knife. And it's coming from all corners.

How can one day be _so _good and _so_ bad at the same time? I have to believe that she'll figure this out though, that she'll find her way to me eventually. Because I don't think I can live for the rest of my, eternity, with only the memory of that kiss to keep me company.

But it was one hell of a fucking kiss.

_Dear Diary,  
Damon and I went to Denver. Honestly I don't know what is wrong with me. I messed it all up. And it was my idea, well it was kind of Stefan's idea actually, but I agreed with it and it seemed like a good idea, at the time. _

_I know I was probably a bitch to Damon all day, but everything inside me was just all tangled up and confusing and I couldn't think straight! It's like my feelings for Damon are all tied up in knots and I can't, for the life of me find the beginning of them. And I think I've worked out that it's because I'm scared of them. _

_I'm scared of what it means to love Damon; I'm scared of what it means to be loved by Damon. It's like he takes over me, he changes everything and I don't think I'm ready for that. I'm not saying that I love him, I'm just saying that...actually I don't even know what I'm saying. See? Everything is still so confusing! _

_When we were in the motel, Damon came out of the bathroom without his shirt on and even though I've seen his body plenty of times before it still captivates me every time and I just lay there and stared at him, and then he looked at me. So I closed my eyes. And then I questioned the sanity of closing my eyes so I opened them again. Even my eyes are confused! _

_He came and lay down beside me on the bed and I asked him about the dream that he gave Rose before she died, I asked him why he doesn't let people see the good in him, and he said that when people see good, they expect good and he doesn't want to live up to anyone's expectations._

_His brutal honesty took my breath away because I realised that, he's afraid, he's scared of failing people and that's why he has all these walls and defences around himself, because he loves so much that he's afraid of letting us all down. _

_Damon took my hand, and it was too much, it was all too much I had to get out. I had to breathe, I had to get away from him, but he followed me outside and I warned him away but I didn't even really mean it and then he said, 'why not Elena' and his voice, god his voice and those words and the way he says my name like it's his salvation, that was all it took. _

_I just had this, overwhelming __need t__o feel him and hold him and touch him and kiss him so I did. God I was desperate, he was kissing me and kissing me and I never wanted it to end. I wanted more and more and it was, Damon. Utterly Damon, possessive, controlling, passionate, consuming, intoxicating. _

_He was touching me and kissing me everywhere and it was everything, it was more than everything it was the best fucking kiss in the world, I've never been kissed like that. No one has ever been kissed like that. I felt so, complete. _

_And in that moment, I would have done anything, said anything, been anything because the desire I felt for him was just pulsing through every single part of me, and then Jeremy interrupted us. I'm almost glad he did because I honestly don't know if I would have stopped, I don't know if I __could__ have stopped, I definitely didn't __want__ to stop, but I know it's for the best that we had to. _

_I'm also kind of glad that I couldn't see the look on Damon's face when he walked past Jer, because I think that my brother might be dead if looks could indeed kill. We had to go to Kansas to track down the lady who sired Rose, but when we got there she was dead. _

_And then Damon and I got into a fight and that's when I messed it all up. I told him I was there because Stefan thinks I have feelings for him, which was the first stupid thing to come out of my mouth and then when Damon asked if I do have feelings for him I said I don't know. _

_Which he obviously knows is a lie. I know it's a lie. Hell I think everyone knows it's a lie but for some reason I just can't...I can't admit it. I can't say it out loud and I don't even really understand why myself so I can't explain it.  
Elena_


	55. Do Not Go Gentle & Before Sunset

**Before we do the A/N I just want to say that you guys are *freaking* AWESOME. Thanks you, from the bottom of my heart for your amazing reviews yesterday, you have no idea how much it means to me and special thanks to the guests that I can't personally reply to. I'm *so* glad you're all still with me on this journey. **

**A/N: So we're nearly at the end of Season 3! W-ow. I had fully intended on making Do Not Go Gentle into a complete chapter but it just *would. not. happen* so it's a summary instead. Farewell Team Badass. Ah, also no Elena's diary on account of her nearly dying and all. **

**Do Not Go Gentle & Before Sunset**

"**Do not go gentle into that good night/rage, rage against the dying light"**

_Esther takes over Rebekah's body and uses Klaus's affections for Caroline to convince him to go to the Decade Dance. Evil-Aric helps Esther get back into her own body and daggers Blondie Bex in the process. _

_Caroline convinces Elena to invite Stefan to the dance and he agrees. _

_Esther uses Ric's ring to make the White Oak stake indestructible in her quest to turn him into the Ultimate Hunter. _

_The gang have fun at the doomed Decade Dance for all of five minutes. Damon arrives to tell Stefan and Elena what's going on with Alaric and suggests that they "put him out of his misery."_

_Esther comes and takes Elena and leaves Damon, Stefan and the others trapped at the school with a binding spell and Damon goes to seek Bonnie's help. _

_Bonnie tries to find a way around the boundary spell and Elena tries to reach Ric's humanity before Esther can turn him. Esther steals Elena's blood to use in the spell to turn Ric into Evil-Aric for good. _

"_Drink and let it be done" – "No Ric please don't" Ric does. Esther stabs him and tells Elena that when he wakes he will be himself for a short time. She also tells Elena that "when the time is right, he will die" and that Aunt Jenna found peace. _

_Ric wakes up and kills Esther after she tries to turn Jeremy and Matt on each other, her death makes the boundary spell invalid and everyone comes to the cemetery to say goodbye to Ric who has chosen not to complete the transition in order to protect his family and friends. _

_Elena and Ric share an emotional, heartbreaking goodbye "taking care of you and Jeremy has been...it's been the closest I've ever come to the life I always wanted." _

_Klaus un-daggers Rebekah and screams bloody murder at his dead mother. _

_Damon sits with his best friend while he dies and Team Badass says goodbye. With bourbon. And a whole lotta sadness. _

"_Is this the part where you give me a dream?" – "Sorry I killed ya'. Twice"_

**Before Sunset**

"**Come back to me a while  
Change your style again  
Come back to me a while  
Change your taste in men"**

Man I got problems. I got problems comin' out of my ears. I got crisis's. I got _catastrophes. _I got _big_ troubles.

My best friend is dead. Only to be replaced by someone who _looks _awful like him but is most definitely not him. We like to call him Evil-Aric. Aaand, he's gone. Vanished. Disappeared.

Gone with him is the new fancy ass White Oak stake which can kill us all. God only knows why he left me alive after Sabrina knocked me out with what is clearly an upgrade to her damned witchy-migraine spell.

Speaking of Sabrina, I found her lying in the crypt nearly drained dry. So I fed her my blood and now we're heading to Elena's _surrounded _by problems.

I mean, granted yeah, I probably shoulda locked the door at the crypt. But you know, my friend was dying and I wasn't _exactly _thinking straight.

I've seen a lot of people come and go over the years, kinda comes with the vampire territory ya know, it's a package deal. But it's been a _very _long time since I had a friend like Ric, and this one hit me a little differently, harder, than the rest.

Probably 'cause I don't have one of those 'dimmer' switches, come to think of it.

Stefan answers the door at Elena's house where I am waiting with a bleeding Bennett, _"we have a problem"_

I fill Stef in on what went down at the cemetery, _"what do you mean he __turned__? I thought you were standing guard?" _well don't blame me brother, _"blame Bonnie the blood bag. She __fed__ him" _goddamn witchy interference. Who needs 'em?

"_So where's the stake now?" _ah _that _is the million dollar question Stef. "_Oh, you mean the White Oak one? The one that can kill an Original and wipe out an entire line of vampires? We __don't__ know" _yes Bennett I'm looking at _you_.

"_If you are __so__ upset with me why did you feed me your blood to save my life?" _oh, a hundred little reasons, all nicely summed up in one little name. _Elena_. Where _is _she by the way?

"_Because I do __stupid __things Bonnie. I do things, like let my friend die with dignity when I should've just killed him" s_eriously, he woulda gotten over it; he got over it the first two times!

"_All right so how do we kill him now?" _huh, maybe _that's _the million dollar question. Who the hell knows?

"_I've been trying to figure that out. A witch can't __truly__ make an immortal creature, there's __always__ a way to undo a spell" _yeah, you gotta _love _those loopholes.

"_So what's the witchy work-around" – "That's the problem. I don't know" _of course you don't. Great, we'll add that it to the list that's threatening to make my brain _explode _in a _much _more permanent way than the witchy-migraines.

Doorbell rings. What's next?

"_What are you doing here Klaus?" _Klaus, I shoulda called that really.

"_Well for starters young Jeremy here could show some manners and invite me inside" _he's wearing vervain, right? _"Why don't you go up to your room?" _my brother suggests. _"__Now__" _I enforce.

"_Hm. Poor lad, loses one questionable father figure only to be replaced by the likes of the two of you" _hey now, I object to that statement. I'm more the 'big-brother' role filler really. On occasion.

Klaus already knows that Evil-Aric is up and about and intent on killing us all. _"I'm leaving town, just need to pick up a few road-trip necessities. Spare tire, flashlight...doppelganger" s_orry buddy, not happening. _"Can't help you there" _I pull Stefan back inside and close the door.

Where the hell _is _Elena? She's normally shown her pretty little face by now. I go to look for her but she's not _here."Where is she?" – "She's not here" _yeah I can see that Stefan. How the hell did she sneak past us? _"Where did she __go__?"_

Klaus is pacing the pavement outside with his 'someone's gonna die, painfully' expression on."_Klaus wants in. We need to keep him out" _I explain to Bonnie.

"_Ah __duck__" _I shout at them and hit the ground before Klaus sends a newspaper through the window, shattering it and sending glass everywhere. Still not gonna get him in the house though. All it means is that I have to pay for someone to come fix the damn window now.

"_I think you're probably gonna want to let me in" _nope, I _really_ don't think we do actually.

Okay. Elena has just been elevated to problem number _one._ Where the hell is our girl?

"_Elena's cars gone" _the _only_ reason Elena would leave and not tell anyone is if someone she loves is in danger, but most of those people are in this room so who – fuck!

Klaus is back with balls and...white picket fence stakes? That's, kinda ingenious actually. Oh. And he broke the door so I'll just add that to the list of things that need to be replaced and paid for.

He throws his first picket-stake and I duck before jumping right back up again "_missed me"_, I grab it back out the wall and send it flying towards him and then he tries again. God Elena is _not_ gonna be happy about this, he is _destroying _her kitchen. _"Missed me __again__" _Stefan's phone starts ringing _"Alaric?" _Alaric?

Fuck. Evil-Aric has Elena. And Blondie. At least I know I was right, she left for someone she loves.

Klaus walks back up to the front door with a can of gasoline and a burning paper and while I _have _considered burning this house and it's never-ending parade of ghosts to the ground once or twice before, now is probably not really the best time for that.

"_Put it out" _Stefan says as he goes to the door, _"come outside and make me" _Stefan goes outside, ironically enough, we actually need Klaus now.

"_Elena's not here. Alaric has her and Caroline and he's gonna kill them both unless you turn yourself over to him" _my brother explains the good news. _"Now I know you're not asking me to walk into a certain death" _hah, if only we could.

"_Unfortunately if Alaric kills you there's a 1-in-4 chance that we die too" – "I'll take those odds" _every. day. I mean what are the chances that _Klaus _is the daddy of our line? Yeah, yeah, 1-in-4 I get it.

"_And a hundred percent chance that Tyler dies" _well hey I'm fine with that too. But I reckon I'm the only one. Just wait til' you get bit by a damn werewolf, then we'll see if you change your tune.

"_Why don't we just, figure out a way to put Alaric down hm?"_ Bonnie comes up with the goods, she thinks she might be able to do the desiccation spell on Evil-Aric that Abby did on Mikael back in the day.

"_Even with the spell we'll still need a __lot__ of vampire muscle to take him down, __including__ yours" _she tells Klaus. Yeah, get with the programme man.

"_Just so we're clear, the sun sets in about eight hours, we don't succeed before then Elena'll be dead, I'll be gone and the rest of you will be left to fend for yourselves" _charming, you gotta love the man's team spirit don't you.

Bonnie makes the call to her mom and I take her back to my house to wait. My house, where she is anxiously pacing the floors and probably gonna wear a hole in the new rug I just put down. "_Well this is promising" _I say with a glance at the clock. "_Relax, Abby'll be here" _hey I'm relaxed, you're the one who's doin' all the pacing.

"_I'm sorry, I forgot about her stellar track record in the dependability department" _but she's convinced she's coming and then the doorbell rings. "_Don't get your hopes up, might be a girl scout" _it's not. I can hear the heartbeat, slow, soft, steady; vampire.

I leave to get Abby some blood; well really I leave to give them a minute alone. I'm not a _complete _dick, all of the time. While I'm gone I make a phone call to a local repair company to come fix Elena's house so she doesn't have to see the destruction when we get her home, and then I send Stef a message to let him know that Abby turned up. He and Klaus have gone to the school to wait for us.

"_Why didn't I have to be invited in?" _I hear Abby ask as I come back, _"we did sign over the deed to Elena but, she died, seal broke. Very long story, blood?" _I offer her the glass but she doesn't respond. I guess she's still mad about not being dead-dead then. _"Aw come on, think of it as a peace offering" _no? Well okay then I'll drink it.

I shoot Bonnie a look so she can get on with the part where we come up with an actual plan; _"we called you here because I need your help with a spell" _she goes on to explain what we need but Abby says it's too dangerous, that she can't handle it. I disagree, _nothing _is too dangerous when it comes to saving Elena. Not even walking into certain death.

"_You turned your back on me for sixteen years, you have __no__ idea what I can handle" _clearly Bonnie agrees with me. _"Gotta say, I'm Team Bonnie on this one, how hard can it be to parch a vampire?" _Abby babbles on about 'balance' and the 'living' and I'm confused.

"_What? What does that mean? Bonnie I don't speak __witch__" – "I have to stop a human heart" _ah great, now we need a _human_ too? Well, there's really only one person for the job so I text Baby Gilbert and tell him to meet us at the high school of horrors.

On the way Bonnie shows me some new app on her phone that connects her to Blondie and 'Lena and shows her that they are in Ric's classroom. _"Digital locater spell, why the hell do we need you then?" Joking_, I'm joking!

"_Hand it over"_ I tell Jeremy, _"I'm not giving you my ring, let me do this" _ah, no. That ring is the reason we're in this damn mess so no ring-wearing allowed.

"_By my math you've already bit it once, possible twice wearing that thing...so gimme the ring" _please, 'cause I don't wanna have'ta kill you. Again.

"_This is __my__ ring, Elena's my sister, no one's gonna fight harder for her than me" _well, I might have to disagree with you there buddy but, _"fine, be stubborn"_ I turn to Sabrina, _"try not to kill him will ya'?" _kinda fond of the little guy, truth be told.

"_Look at this, one big happy family" _Klaus, right, forgot about him for a minute. _"Drink this, it's my blood" _Bonnie says before going on to explain how we're supposed to take down Alaric.

"_Before we walk thought these doors let's get on the same page shall we? I was the one who created your vampire bloodline therefore I am responsible for your lives, and Tyler's life, Caroline's life and of course, Abby's life should anything go wrong" _oh say it isn't so! Why couldn't it have been...Elijah? I woulda been okay with that.

"_Or you're just lying to save your ass" – "I'm not lying, but go ahead, call my bluff. Let the teacher kill me, you'll all be dead soon thereafter" _remember what I said to Stef, about how the only way to call someone's bluff is to be willing to lose everything? Yeah, well, I'm not. So I guess it's Daddy-Klaus. Shame we can't desiccate him too. But yeah, one problem at a time okay.

"_Let's just get this over with shall we?" _yeah, let's do that. Klaus, Stef and I head for the school and while Klaus goes for Caroline, Stefan and I search for Elena and run right into Evil-Aric. Fortunately Klaus is right behind us and we grab hold of Evil-Aric's arms, _"do it now" _he's fucking _strong_. He throws us off and snaps Stefan's neck and then I go for him.

Darkness.

I come around from the darkness to the sound of my phone vibrating. What's going on? _"Why am I still alive?" – "get up" _why is _he _still alive? Stefan wakes up as well _"I said get __up__. Klaus is gonna kill Elena" _huh? No, he wouldn't.

"_Klaus needs Elena's blood to make hybrids. She's the last person that he'd kill" _right, what Stef said. _"The witch bound my life to Elena's, if she dies I die. Klaus figured that out and now he's taken her" _fucking no! How could he let that _happen_? "_So you two better get doin' what you do best. Saving Elena's life" _yeah. Come on brother, let's get to it. We got a girl to save. Again.

Stefan gets a message from Tyler telling him that Klaus has Elena at his house and on the way I call Bonnie to tell her to get ready to stop Jer's heart. We're gonna desiccate Klaus. Stef, Tyler and I grab him and Stefan does the deed. Which, kinda fitting really, he got his revenge in the end.

I let go of Klaus and head for Elena who is lying in a heap on the ground having been drained of her blood and hit her head, which is probably not a great combination. _"Hey you okay?" _I help her up and lead her away from the creepy-ass desiccation scene playing out in front of us. But at least we got somethin' good out of this day.

"_We should get her home before the sun sets" _Stefan says. Yeah, before Evil-Aric comes out to play again. I take Elena's hand and we walk out, time to get home and get safe.

"_Huh, you two are really gonna, walk me all the way to the door aren't you?" _well sweetheart between here and the front door you could definitely find some trouble to walk yourself into. It's kinda your thing.

"_You lost a lot of blood today" _Stefan says instead, _"yeah I know but I told you I'm fine. I just, have a little headache" _I remind her about Ric but as she says he can't hurt her, "_It's you two we should be worrying about" – "Nah he won't be able to find us" _Stef and I are taking a little road-trip to dispose of Klaus. Hide him somewhere no one will ever find him.

"_I'll uh...we'll call you when we get back" _Stefan says once Elena is safely inside her house and we turn to leave.

"_I know it's selfish" _huh? "_I know that it seems like I'm stringing you both along but I...I don't know what I'm supposed to do" _oh 'Lena, we get it. "_I mean, if I choose one of you then I lose the other one and I've lost so many people. I just...I can't bear the thought of losing one of you" _well that works both ways, but I know there's more to it than just that.

She thinks that she could break us apart by making a choice, and her biggest fear, has always been of becoming like Katherine. But she doesn't understand that she's so far removed from Katherine that they may as well be on entirely different planets.

I indicate my head towards Stef to let him take over, I've never been all that good at making things better, tend to just make them worse. _"It's um, it's been a long day" _well that was beyond useless Stefan! You're supposed to be the one that's good with the words. Fine, I'll give it a shot then.

"_Yeah, we'll call you from the road. After we dump Klaus's body in the Atlantic" – "Just...be careful, both of you" _always lovely girl, always.

At some point, she is gonna have to make a choice though. As much as Elena is the opposite of everything that Katherine is, I can't go through this again forever. And I know that my brother can't either. But there's plenty of time left for all of that.

"_How many desiccated hybrids does it take to screw in a light bulb?" _I ask Stefan once we're on the road, _"you're in a good mood" _damn right I am! Klaus is dead-ish. Stefan is sane-ish. "_Give or take an immortal hunter who wants to kill us; we __won__ Stefan. Come on, say it. __Say __it" – "We won" _again! "_Once more with f__eeling__" – "__We__ won" _that's the spirit brother!

"_Turns out we make a pretty good team huh?" _yeah who'da thought it? _"It only took a century and a half" _and this is what Elena doesn't _get_. She hasn't driven us apart, she couldn't drive us apart. She's brought us _together_. She's given me my brother back.

"_What happens when uh, Elena makes a decision?" _clearly my brother's thoughts are travelling the same path as mine. _"You know how these things pan out Stefan, she'll probably make a list of pros and cons and at the end of the day dump both of our asses" _or, she won't.

"_What if she doesn't?" – "Then she'll pick one of us" _and she will, in the end, because she won't be like Katherine. Then again, Katherine made a choice in the very end too. And if I _have_ to venture a guess, I'd reason that Elena's gonna make the same one. Yeah, _sucks_ to be me.

"_Well if she chooses __you__ I'll leave town and let you two be happy and not be bothered by me" _I guess Stefan's come to the same conclusion that I have because otherwise there is no _way _he'd ever offer to leave town.

"_And in sixty years we'll go back to being brothers and none of this will have mattered right?" _and now _I'm_ gonna have to leave town 'cause otherwise I just look like a dick. And, truth be told, I don't wanna stick around, if, when, she chooses Stefan. I don't wanna have to see it, don't wanna know.

At the end of the day, all I want is for her to be happy. Truly, happy. While I don't believe that that happiness lies with my brother, if she does, then I have to learn to live with that.

"_Fine__ if she chooses you I'll leave town too" _it's not like I wouldn't only be a phone call away if she ever ran into danger which, let's face it is _still_ every other Tuesday around here.

"_All this over one girl" _such a fucking amazing girl though.

"_She's a pretty special girl" _yeah, _"Yes she is" _so damn special.


	56. The Departed

**A/N: Gah! This one makes me feel *all* the feelings, every. single. time. Oh the tears and heartache. This one is laid out quite differently from all of the other episodes because as Elena is dying we get to 'hear' her thoughts so to speak, so there is a section between Damon's POV where we go to Elena and then return to Damon if that makes sense. It's all in italics and I did it because it was *really* important to me that Elena acknowledged certain things before she turned vamp and got all sire-bondy. So I hope it works for you all. Also, this episode just completely blew The Return and Dangerous Liaisons out of the water for me as far as writing processes go, so I sincerely hope you like it at least a little.**

**The Departed**

"**Oh, you're in my veins and I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste at night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away 'cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins and I cannot get you out"**

Stefan and I have been driving for a while when we get a phone call from Jeremy telling us that something happened to Elena and he took her to the hospital. _"You did __what__?" _how stupid _is_ he? "_I took her to the hospital. When you find your sister unconscious you call 911" _no! You call a fucking _vampire_!

"_Every remaining Original is gonna want Elena dead to stop Alaric. She's a sitting duck in there" _Stefan says, Jeremy tells us that Meredith wants to keep her there but no! Just. No. "_Jeremy__ get Elena home. We're on our way" _fucking hell. Once this is all over, I think I need to sleep for, I dunno, a year. At least.

"_Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you __not__ being the dumbest brother on earth?" _at least someone around here has their head screwed on the right way. "_You know one of us needs to keep movin' right? If Klaus really is the sire of our bloodline we need to keep his body hidden before Alaric finds him, kills him and we all end up dead" _right of course, Evil-Aric and his stupid death-quest.

"_Our life is one big proverbial coin toss" _only this time I really _do_ want to win it. Clearly the universe just hates me though, and Stefan gets to go home to Elena while I rid the world of a desiccated hybrid. Yep, gotta love my life.

To be fair, Stefan has always been better at the whole 'damsel-in-distress' thing than I have. Excluding Georgia of course, I reckon I did a pretty good job that time.

Sometimes, I try and pinpoint where it all started, with Elena. But it's hard because there are so many different moments in time that add up to one big love. You know, was it when she told me she was sorry, about Katherine? When she slapped me for trying to kiss her? When I stole her to Georgia? When we danced at Miss Mystic? But every time I question it, it always comes back to that one night. The night that truly started it all. The night that changed everything.

Oh my phones ringing, it's _Elena_. Or. Elijah. He wants to make a deal. Man I am _sick _of Originals. He wants his brother, of course. _"I give you my __word__ Elena" _hah, right! Like _that _means so damn much these days.

"_Why should she trust you? All you've done is screw her over" _quarterback's got a brain in him, that's exactly what I wanna know.

"_Elena I leave it to you to make the decision whether to trust me or not" – "__Not__. Hello? Did that concussion give you brain damage? His lunatic siblings will kill you the first chance they __get__" _but I know Elena better than anybody and even a hundred-some miles and a phone away, I know she's only a few smooth words from selling all of our souls.

"_Do we have a deal?" _the devil asks "_No. No no no no no, did I mention __no__?" _well I have to at least _try_ and stop her!

"_Elena it's up to you" _god dammit Stefan! So much for not being the dumbest brother, _"Oh __come __on" – "Why do you want Klaus's body" – "he's my brother, we remain together" _and there it is. There. It. Is. The smooth words that seal our fates 'cause no way is Elena gonna be able to say no now.

I mean, I love the girl, upside down, inside out, to the moon and back but sometimes? Okay, make that _frequently_, she makes _bad_ choices.

"_We have a deal" _yep. Called that.

But _I _don't have any choice in the matter so I turn back in the opposite direction and head for the storage-unit on the other side of where I am, Bonnie's gonna come and do something or other to prevent Evil-Aric from finding Klaus and Blondie Bex is coming to get her brother.

"_You know I'm not __halfway __out of Virginia and Elena sells our souls to the Originals" _I say as Sabrina and I come off the lift and I lead her to coffin-Klaus. _"It was her call" _yeah "_you know what else is her call? Everything bad ever" _seriously, _bad _choices! Anyone remember the whole _sacrifice _fiasco?

"_Where's the body? As long as it's un-spelled Alaric is one witch away from finding it" _I put him in locker 1020, _"mini fridge, coupla bird cages, box full of playboys, one beef-__jerkified__ Original" _we open up the coffin and Klaus opens his eyes which is just plain creepy.

"_I need a minute" _what? Why _"Just jam the witch locater, bat-signal, whatever, get on with it Bonnie" – "Elena and Jeremy lost Jenna and Alaric because of __him__, Tyler's a hybrid, my mother's a vampire. Could you give me a minute to just __appreciate__ the sight of him like this?" _well when you put it like _that_ Bonnie, sure. Your wish, my command, I leave her to it.

When she leaves I call my brother to see how things are going on that end, they're trying to lure Evil-Aric to the woods so the Originals can grab the stake and make a run for it. _"I got Caroline and Elijah in place, Jeremy's gonna lead Alaric to us" _yeah, that doesn't sound reassuring _at _all.

"_You just had to let her make the choice didn't you?" – "What would you have done Damon" _oh you know me brother, _"grabbed her, gagged her, throw her in a well, I dunno, a__nything__ other than let her trust __Elijah__" _who, might I remind you all, _just_ threatened to kill Elena, by sister no less, like, _last_ week!

"_You know she'd just hate you for it right?" _yeah, been there! Done that! _"Yeah but she'd be __alive__ and she'd hate me, thus the eternal difference between __you__ and me brother" _that difference is gonna land his ass in some v_ery _hot water one of these days, sooner or later.

The noise of the lift alerts me to my next visitor "_gotta go, the Original sister's here" _I hang up on Stef and stand up to meet Rebekah. _"It's about time sexy Bex" _and then I'm being choked from behind by someone who is definitely _not_ Rebekah and definitely _is _Evil-Aric. What the hell Bonnie? So much for jamming the locater spell!

"_Where is Klaus?" _wouldn't you like to know. _"How did you find me?" – "Oh you'd be amazed at how competent law enforcement is when it's not corrupted by vampires" w_hat the hell did he do? _"Now where. Is Klaus?" – "In a storage locker, there's only about a thousand of 'em. Have at it" _he's not in a stora-

Darkness.

God but I am getting _sick _of having my neck snapped. I wake up to the sound of lockers being opened and then _"Damon?" _shit no. Rebekah. "_Damon where are you?" _I grab her and keep her quiet and then we run for coffin-Klaus. Gonna need to get him outta here. _Now. _

We're rolling the coffin out and then Evil-Aric appears out of nowhere. Not good, not good at all. He grabs Bex and slams her into the truck and then kicks me to the ground.

"_NOOO" – "No" – "NOOO" – "__NO__" _Ric stakes Klaus and Rebekah is screaming and I'm holding her back so she doesn't become next on his hit list. And I'm gonna die. For reals this time, assuming burning Klaus was telling the truth that is, which, as much as I hate to admit it, I think he was.

"_No get off me" _Rebekah's screaming at me and Evil-Aric pulls the stake out of Klaus and turns to us. _"Next" – "Rebekah __run, Run__" _I dart for him and he throws me to the ground again and then runs after Rebekah. I hope she's faster. Time to call my brother, share the good news that we're all gonna die.

"_Damon" – "Bad news brother, Alaric staked Klaus, he's dead" _I failed you. I failed us _all_ and I'm sorry. _"I feel okay. Do you feel anything?" _I feel like my former best friend kicked shit out of me but other than that _"no". _Stefan says it took Sage an hour to die and I mention the possibility that Klaus _may_ have lied.

"_Well if he wasn't lying...an hour's not enough time to get you all the way back to Mystic Falls" _nope, even running I don't think I could make it in an hour, and honestly I don't think I have enough energy to try running right now anyway.

"_For us to have our __epic__ goodbye Stefan?" _s'allright brother, meet me on the Other Side.

"_Not us brother" _oh god don't say it. Please, don't say it. "_You and Elena" _fuck he said it. And it _hurts, _god it hurts.

"_Well, I guess you'll just have to say goodbye for both of us won't ya?" _lucky bastard. Still, I already got one death-bed goodbye with Elena, I guess it's his turn.

"_Call me if you cough up a lung" _goodbye brother.

I'm contemplating my impending death when the love of my life, undead or otherwise, phones me. _"Let me guess, calling to see if the grim reapers paid a visit?" – "How are you feeling? Are there any symptoms?" _ I dunno, do the voices in my head count? _"Not yet, but I'm sure we'll have a laugh when we find out that Klaus is a big, fat __liar__" – "Yeah I'm...I'm sure we will" _she's in a car. Why is she _driving?_

"_Hey where are you?" _or, really, where are you _going_?

"_Matt's taking me home" _oh. Hm. _"To Stefan" _I'm not really surprised, I mean we all knew it was coming I guess, but it still hurts, it hurts more than having my neck snapped 100 times. In succession.

"_Not just to Stefan, Damon. To Tyler, to Caroline" _oh 'Lena, it's okay _"no I know, I get it so...since I'm __possibly__ a dead mean, can I ask you a question?" – "Yeah, of course" _

Remember, in Denver, when I said that asking Elena if she had feelings for me was the stupidest question I'd ever asked, well I'd like to reverse that statement now please. This, this is the stupidest question I'll ever ask in my life. But fuck it if I could stop myself from asking anyway. And I know the answer, don't think for a second that I don't but I'm a fucking masochist so I ask.

"_If it was just down to him and me, and you __had__ to make a choice, who got the goodbye? Who would it be?" _

Her long silence tells me absolutely everything that I don't need to know but I'm about to hear anyway.

"_I love him Damon" _oh I know honey, I know you do. But you love me too, you just won't _let _yourself. I wonder if this is my fault, I mean, I am the one who compelled her to believe that my brother deserved her. Do you think that made a difference? I didn't mean it to, but I can't help but wonder if it did.

"_He came into my life at a time when I needed somebody and I fell for him instantly. No matter __what__ I feel for you I...I never un-fell for him" _yep, called that. Still hurts like a bitch. But having said that, it's the first time she's actually admitted to feeling _anything_ for me, so I suppose it's better than nothing.

"_Hey I get it, it's Stefan. It's a__lways__ gonna be...Stefan" _I am _such_ a fucking masochist. Why? Why must I do these things to myself? Oh, oh I know! _Hope_. Well let me tell you something, hope is a _bitch_. Get out while you can.

"_I can't think about always, all I can think about is right now and I __care__ about you Damon, which is why I have to let you go" _then why are you so sad 'Lena? You know, if it hurts this much to let go, then you're probably not meant to.

"_I mean, maybe if you and I had met first" _oh she didn't. Oh god, I think I just completely lost the will to live. But there is a part of her that is saying it because she knows it's actually true. She doesn't remember, doesn't know why or how, but she knows it's _right. _

"_Yeah maybe" – "You're gonna be f__ine__ you hear me?" _yeah I hear you, but my old buddy who just turned up again probably has other ideas. _"You're gonna be okay and I'm gonna see you soon" – "Real soon. Goodbye Elena" _I love you. So. Much.

"_I see you're still pissed. I take it goldilocks gave you the slip?" _clever Rebekah. He runs at me and punches me in the face, how many times has my jaw been broken this week?

Evil-Aric's attacking me and punching me and for a change I'm not even trying to fight back. Well, he is freakishly strong. At least I'm not fighting back, until I hear _her _voice in my head.

"_Maybe if you and I had met first" _and _that_, that was the night. And it gives me the strength to fight back, as I remember that night. The night that started it all, the beautiful girl in the road, my Elena.

The girl I met first, remembering that special night, those few precious minutes before her life was turned upside down, before her world collapsed around her, when she was still the carefree girl who thought that nothing bad ever happened, when she was innocent and full of life with a burning bright future in front of her.

"_I'm Elena" _yes, yes you are.

"_I'm Damon" _and I'm about to do the s_tupidest _thing I've ever done in my _very _long life.

"_Not to be rude or anything Damon but it's kinda creepy that you're out here in the middle of nowhere" _yep, that's my girl, every part of Elena Gilbert that I love was right there in front of my eyes that night.

"_You're one to talk, you're out here all by yourself" _I still remember crazy impulses flashing through my mind, telling me to take her, bite her, _keep _her, but I pushed them all away. Yep, I'm pretty sure she broke my switch with_ "I'm Elena"_.

"_It's Mystic Falls, nothing bad ever happens here" _oh how very _innocent _she was back then, naive but pure.

She told me about her boyfriend, who I now know to be Matt, and then she said that she didn't know what she wanted. That should have been my first clue really. You know, to Elena's perpetual inability to make decisions, to know the truth of what _she _wants.

And then I told her _"you want what everybody wants...you want a love that __consumes__ you, you want __passion__, and adventure and even a __little__ danger" _and I was right. The only part I left out was that I could give her all of it. All of it and more.

"_So what do __you__ want?" _You. Only you. Always you.

Oh look, here comes the _idiotic _part of me. _"I want you to get everything you're looking for, but right now I want you to forget that this happened. Can't have people knowing I'm in town yet" _I compelled her and then I left. Because I am an _idiot_. And I _always_ knew that that night was gonna come back and bite me in the ass and it has. But it's enough.

"_Is that all you got?" – "Not quite" _he goes to stake me and I somehow manage to fight him off. I shove him away from me and then I'm fighting. I'm fighting with everything that I have because I am so _angry_. But I'm only angry at myself, and like anyone else I need a target for that anger so I don't turn it on myself. Thus Evil-Aric becomes my new punching bag.

TVDTVDTVDTVTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDVTDVTDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTV

_Stefan saved my life. That's what love should be. Love the person that makes you glad that you're alive. _

_Damon. When I'm with him he just consumes me. _

_You'll destroy their bond. _

_I don't know how I feel – yes you do, you're just afraid to say it. _

_Damon's not with them. 100 miles out of town. It's your choice. _

_I'm dying. In the same dark cold water that killed my parents, underneath the same bridge that nearly took my life the first time. And these are my last thoughts as the water fills my lungs and steals my life. _

_I love him. _

_I love Damon. _

_I should have told him. I knew. I knew before now and I should have told him because he deserved to know, and now he never will. _

_Damo- _

TVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDTVDT

But he s_houldn't _be. Something is _wrong_ because it shouldn't be this easy. "_What's happening?" – "Oh no" _he falls to the ground. _"No. No no no Ric, Ric" _and he's...he's in my arms and he's, he's, _"__You __are not dead. You are __not__ dead" _get the fuck up! Get up! He's not getting _up!_ And I think I'm screaming and I think I'm crying but I don't really know because all I know is that he has to get up. But he's not getting up.

I have to get back to Mystic Falls, right now. Please don't let it be true, don't let it be true. I will do anything, _anything _to just make it not be true. I will give you everything I have, everything I am, everything I have ever been or will be if you just tell me it's not true. Please don't take her from me. Don't let her be gone, please don't let it be true.

She's not, she's not, she's not, I refuse to think anything else as I break every speed limit that ever existed to get back home. It hurts too much in every part of me to think anything else. I won't let it be true. It can't be true.

But I have to know. She's not. It's not true. It can't be true.

I finally make it back to the hospital and I blur inside and I don't even care if anyone sees me.

"_Where is she?" – "No Damon" _shut up! _"__Where __is she?" – "Wait" _Get. Off. Of. Me.

"_You need to know, when Jeremy brought Elena in here earlier tonight her injuries were worse than I let on" _what is she? I don't care. _Where. Is. She. _

"_It wasn't a concussion, it was a cerebral haemorrhage, bleeding on the brain" _wait. Wait. Wait. _What?_

"_What are you saying?" _is she saying what I _think_ she's saying? "_He was so worried, I didn't wanna tell him but I...I __helped__ her. She __needed __my help" – "You __what__?" _

And seriously..._that_ is what you start with! You _start _with 'she's alive'. You scream it from the fucking rooftops. You wave fucking banners. You _start. With. That. _

She's not dead. She's not dead. I mean it's actually true and I can't. It's too much and I think I might collapse under the weight of this night but I can't. I need to see her with my own eyes. I need to make it true.

She's alive. Ish. She's gonna be a vampire but she's alive. She _lives_. She exists. She's still here and they didn't take her from me.

Thank you god. Thank you _Meredith Fell_ for _blood-jacking _me. We will get her through this. She'll be okay. I will help her. We will all help her.

She's alive.


	57. Growing Pains

**A/N: I just wanted to make something a little clearer here because otherwise it could get confusing, Elena *did* accept her love for Damon in The Departed, but at no point has she admitted to being *in* love with Damon, so just, keep that in mind. Also this one is superbly long because baby-vamp Elena just did not want to shut up! I hope you enjoy our kick off to S4. **

**Growing Pains**

"**One more kiss could be the best thing  
One more lie could be the worst  
And you're not something I deserve  
When all the pieces fall apart you will be the only one who knows"**

After a short lapse in time in which my brain seems to completely stop functioning and accept that Elena is alive all at the same time I find the will to move again. Elena. I find her, and Stefan, in the _morgue_, where Stefan informs me that she woke up briefly before I arrived and then promptly passed out again.

Judging by the heavily guilt-ridden look on his face I am _not_ going to like the story he has to share about how Elena managed to _die_ while he was supposed to be taking care of her. Then again, Stefan's face looks eternally guilty so it could be nothing. Right now though it's more important that we get Elena out of here and back home.

Stefan picks her up and after I compel the necessary people to forget all of this madness we take her back to her house and settle her in the bed.

It occurs to me that when Elena wakes up again we're going to face yet another problem. Elena's _choice_. And I think we all know how great she is at making those. This time though, I'm not talking about the choice between us brothers. No, that decision has already been made, in a way that is still too painful for me to rehash. This time, it's her eternal choice. The choice of forever. The choice of death. The choice of eternity. The choice of non-existence.

It terrifies me that I can't predict what choice she'll make. It terrifies me that if she chooses to _die_, I don't know if I'll be able to let her. It terrifies me that for the very first time I _truly _understand why my brother made that fateful choice that he made all those years ago.

Aaand she's awake, well, this should be fun. She wakes up gasping for air and fighting to breathe and although it's been a fucking long time, I remember that feeling well. But _Saint_ Stefan is beside her, ready to lead the charge on the moral high-ground I'm sure, while I have relegated myself to the window seat.

"_Stefan?" – "Hey, I'm right here, you've been in an out for hours" _yes, hours in which _I_ have been fighting the overwhelming urge to reach down my brother's throat and pull his heart out through his nose. Which I'm pretty sure is impossible but hell I'd like to give it my best shot.

I take another swig from my trusty bottle of bourbon because right now it's the _only _thing stopping me from acting on my darkest impulses.

"_What...what happened?" _yeah Stef, tell her what happened brother.

"_You were in an accident" _fucking _Rebekah_. I fucking _helped_ her. Hell I saved that bitches life and this is what she does?

"_Oh my god, __Matt__ is he?" – "__Alive__?" _ oh she's finally been alerted to my presence in her room. _"Ask __Stefan__, the __hero__" _yeah, Saint Stefan to the fucking rescue. Of his 'one true love's' _ex_-_boyfriend._

"_He's fine" _Stefan assures her. Yeah he's fucking fine. Because instead of saving our, I'm sorry, _his_ girls life, he saved _Matt_. Because she _asked _him to. Please, let me introduce you to my brother, the village idiot. The world's _dumbest_ brother. I need more alcohol.

"_Oh thank you. I thought that I...how did you?" – "Save you? He __didn't__" _kill him. I'm going to fu-ck-ing kill him. Who knew my brother had such a thing for the quarterback?

"_When Jeremy brought you to the hospital before all this happened, your injuries were worse than anyone knew. Meredith Fell made a choice, she used Damon's blood to heal you" _Stefan explains.

"_And when Rebekah ran Matt's truck off the road, you had vampire blood in your system Elena" _there's a unique sense of justice I feel, rightly or wrongly, I don't care, in that it was _my_ blood. In the end, if she chooses forever, and after Stefan uttered the name _Jeremy_, I'm pretty sure she _will_, then in the end, I'll have been the one to save her. And that will always be a part of her. Honestly, I'm just looking for the positives in this otherwise unholy _mess_ of a situation.

"_Oh my god, does...does that mean that I...am I __dead__?" _yeah, yeah you kinda are. But I'll let you in on a little secret, all the best ones are.

"_No, no, no, no...that wasn't supposed to __happen__" _what does she mean it wasn't _supposed _to happen? It's better than dead-dead, right?

"_Maybe it doesn't have to, I talked to Bonnie, she said she's stronger than ever, there might be something she can do to help you" _but there's not. Of course Stefan is on a martyr quest to rival no other but there is _nothing_ the witch can do in this situation and giving Elena false hope is just going to lead to a million more dramatics and she is running out of _time_.

"_No, the only thing that's going to __help__ is for you to feed and complete the transition" _Elena looks like she's going to faint or throw up from the shock and I know I'm being blunt but come on people! Let's just get on with it; we all know how this story ends.

"_We have all day before she has to feed __Damon__, that's a day to exhaust every possible way out of this" _you've gotta be kidding me? Elena's looking at me as if I have all the answers to her questions but I really don't, I only got one. _"There is no way __out__ of it, we all know the drill; you feed or you __die__...there is no door number three"_

"_I was ready to die. I was supposed to die. I don't wanna be...I can't be a vampire" _yeah honey, you can. And one way or another, you're gonna be, because I can't...I don't think I can let her die.

"_If there's something that Bonnie can do we have to try" – "We will, we'll try everything" _god why does no one _ever _listen to me? This is only going to end badly, as usual.

"_Your choice Elena, as always" _I stand up and leave them to it. I've said my piece and Stefan the fucking good can sit around all day and wait for a miracle that'll never come if he wants to but not me. I go and hunt out another bottle of bourbon from Ric's stash. Guy had bottles hidden all over this house but I head straight for the open one in the kitchen cupboard. Yeah, I'm gonna need a _lot_ of alcohol to get me through this day.

"_Way to get her hopes up for something that's never happened in the __history__ of vampirism" _I say as Stefan comes stalking into the kitchen.

"_You know what, you weren't there the day Elena looked me in the eye and told me she absolutely never wanted this" _yeah, well that probably says more about _you_ than it does her brother.

"_Then you shouldn't have let her __die__" _and there's that desire to rip his heart out clawing back at me again. I drink. _"I never meant for her to __die__. She asked me to help Matt first and I did" _yeah because you're so fucking _weak_ that you couldn't save them _both _like I would have. Pathetic.

"_And now the world has one more quarterback, __bravo__ brother" _your stupidity, _astounds _me.

"_I made a choice that I will regret for the rest of my life. Now let me try to fix it" _well good luck with that Stefan. Be sure to let me know how that pans out for you.

Compulsion. Ah shit. Hm, yeah, so Elena's gonna remember that now, both times, and I don't think I really wanna be in the house when she does. So I'm gonna go, kill something now. I decide to track down Barbie Klaus because yeah I'm feeling _that_ destructive. Really I just need to take my rage out on _someone_ and my _stupid_ brother isn't really an option right now.

I find Rebekah indulging in some destruction of her own at the Mikaelson mansion. _"Tragic, about Elena. Not to make a grey cloud greyer, but does Matt even have automobile insurance?" _she turns her back on me, _stupid_ girl and I race for her with the White Oak but clearly I'm not that stealthy because she spins around and grabs my arm before slamming me into the wall.

She twists my hand and I drop the stake and then someone _shoots_ her. There are others here, so I push her off of me and run. Who the hell? What was _that_? God I need to find out what's going on! I try calling Stefan, Bonnie, Blondie, no response. Finally I phone Meredith who actually picks up the damn phone and tells me that Pastor Young came by the hospital to seal the place up.

Evil-Aric outed us all to the Council and the pastor is the new man in charge apparently. I call Stefan and Elena again but still nothing and now I'm sure something is w_rong_ so I go to Elena's and sure enough they're gone. That's when I phone Liz.

"_They're gone" _I tell her as she walks through Elena's front door, _"whoever nailed Rebekah took them too. Please tell me you have something? __Anything__"_

"_I can't. The Council locked Carol and me out of our offices. Files, computers, __everything__" _this, is a _bad_ situation. "_So the Mayor and the Sheriff never __contemplated__ a back-up plan Liz?" _a _very_ bad situation.

"_Damon relax, when Caroline called to say she got away did she know where they were planning to take her?" _Meredith asks Liz. Wait, Blondie got away? Where is she? Why didn't she call _me_?

"_No just that she was in some van in the middle of nowhere and she managed to escape" _how? _"Perfect, we've narrowed it down to nowhere" _don't they understand? Elena is running _out _of _time_. I have to _find _her. Why the fuck did I leave her? Today of all days?

There's a knock on the door as I turn away, who is it now?

"_Hey, is Elena here?" _oh no. _No_ _way_. I grab him and pin him against the banister.

"_In __what__ world are __you__ the one that gets to l__ive__?" _Matt fucking _alive _Donovan, not alive for very fucking _long _if I have anything to say about it.

"_Damon __stop__ it wasn't his __fault__" _Stefan's fault. _"Let him go Damon, __now__"_ fine, fine. Okay. I squeeze his throat a _little _bit more and then I let him go.

God _dammit_ why will no one pick up their damn phones? I'm running out of patience _and _time.

"_With your vervain and Alaric's weapons they could be anywhere" _Liz says. Apparently the Council raided my vervain stash which probably isn't a good thing but right now is the absolute _least _of my worries.

"_Come on guys think. Takes a __lot__ to hold a vampire; re-enforced steel, iron doors" _the quarterback _finally_ engages his brain for long enough to let us know that the pastor has a cattle ranch, in a secluded area.

"_Well guess what?" _I say turning to Matt, _"looks like you get a chance to prove how sorry you really are" _now let's go. Get me to the right place and you get to become my new best friend for the duration of our journey. _Maybe_ I won't even kill you afterwards. Maybe.

God I wish Ric was still here, I could _really _use him right about now. There were _no _signs of Elena having fed in her house and if they had just _listened t_o me this morning then I would be _much_ calmer about this whole mess but she hasn't fed and every minute that passes she's dying a little bit more and let me assure you, it _hurts_, so wherever she is she is _dying_ and she's in pain and I _have_ to fix this.

But I'd really like it if my best friend were here to help me fix it. Hell, at this point I'd like it if my _brother_ was here to help me fix the mess that _he _created, but all I have is Matt the quarterback so I suppose I just have to take what I can get. This guy better turn out to be the world's best fucking football player or I swear to _god_.

On a completely different topic, but somewhat related to Ric, how the holy hell am I even still alive? He _staked _Klaus. We should all have been dead shortly afterwards only, we're not. So either something went down with the witch when she asked for her time alone, or Klaus was lying. Personally I'm leaning more towards Bonnie having some cast some witchy woo-woo but that's another problem for another day. Right now I got much bigger issues at hand.

We finally make it out to the ranch and I have to pray to a god I don't believe in that we're not too late. I don't know _exactly_ what time everything went down last night but I know that we're fast approaching it, but now is the time for action.

"_So what? We just storm the place with zero weapons?" _my new buddy asks. _"Nah, we don't need weapons" _I _am_ a fucking weapon. _"Just bait" _I dart for him and sink my fangs into his neck then leave him bleeding out on the ground.

"_Yoo-hoo, anybody home? Big bad vampire out here" _I don't bother returning my face to its standard human qualities until the pastor opens up and shows his face, may as well show off the goods.

"_Let him go the boy's innocent" _Pah! There's no such thing as innocent in our world, not anymore. _"Give me Stefan and Elena he's all yours" _I grab Matt up off of the ground by the neck, _"come on pastor. You know I'll kill him. I __wanna__ kill him" _true story, I do. I really do. _"Go __away__. You are not invited in and I'm not coming out." _

Wooden bullets pierce into my shoulder and I guess we're doing this the hard way then. Shame, simple woulda been much quicker. On the other hand, the hard way means that I get to kill people and I'm _all_ good with that too.

I'm lying on the ground playing dead and really people should know better but they don't and I'm not, so when they come close enough I jump up, grab their guns, I snap one of their necks because I _love_ that sound and then I shove the other's gun into his chest. And, dead. Next?

Ah. Matt Donovan. I kick him while he's down and yeah maybe I'm a dick but I don't care. I'm fucking _pissed_ off.

"_Go ahead, kill me. You can't possibly hate me more than I hate myself" _oh I think you'll find that I can, actually. I press my boot into his throat, _"it should have been you" _and then I'm flying on to the ground.

_Elena_.

"_Leave him __alone__" _she growls at me.

Wow. Oh. My. God. She is fucking _mesmerising. _Magnificent. Beautiful. Aaand, pissed off at me. Oh well, what's new there?

"_You were gonna kill him" _I see vampirism hasn't done much to change Elena's righteous indignation, 'course there's always time.

"_Yep, guy just won't die" – "It was my __choice__ to save him, why aren't you seeing that?" _oh I see it honey, I just hate it.

"_It's a little hard to keep track of all your __choices__ lately Elena" _I stop and turn to face her but she looks at me with _pity_ and fuck that because I don't _need_ or _want_ anyone's goddamn _pity_ so I turn and start walking away again.

"_I remember everything" _well that stopped me in my tracks. She remembers. _Everything_. Of course she does, I knew she would. And I _hate_ that once again there's a flutter of _hope_ rising inside of me but nope! That needs to go away. Right fucking now. But dammit if it isn't that crazy bitch _hope_ that makes me turn back around and walk towards her again.

"_One of the highlights of my transition, remembering __everything__ that you compelled me to forget" _she sounds kinda pissed off with me which yeah, I guess I understand, I messed with her mind and all. But come _on_, the girl left me to die _alone_, last night!

So while there's hope, there's also a little anger.

"_Like how you and I met first" _regret.

"_You were a stranger that told me you wanted me to get everything I wanted from life" _fear.

"_Damon why didn't you tell me?" _resentment.

"_Would it have made a difference?" _hope, again. More so than I'd like and enough that I can't even bear to look at her and figure out what she's feeling but I force myself to look anyway.

Acceptance.

"_I didn't think so" _hopelessness.

"_You asked me to make a choice Damon so I did. If you'r_e _gonna be mad then take it out on me, not on __Stefan__ or Matt, or anyone else. __Me__" _I can't look at her. Won't look at her. Because if I do we'll have to add 'broken' to that list of emotions that I'm feeling.

"_Are we done here?" _'cause I need to drink more. There needs to be a _lot_ more alcohol involved for me to even _begin_ getting over the last 24 hours.

"_If it had been you on the bridge last night" _now I do turn to look at her because seriously, is she _really_ about to ask me what I _think_ she's about to ask? _"And not Stefan and I __begged__ you to save Ma-"– "I would have __saved__ you in a heartbeat, no questions" _because that's what you _do_ for the girl you love. For the girl who is your _everything_.

"_That's what I thought. And then Matt would be dead because...you couldn't let go. Matt would be __dead__" _actually, to get technical about it for a second. Matt would be alive. Because I would have saved them both.

"_But you __wouldn't__ be. And you would've gotten to grow up and have the life you wanted, the life that you deserved. And I __know__ I didn't use to get that, but I do now and I __wanted__ that for __you__ Elena. And I would have __gladly__ have given it to you and let Matt __die__ because I __am__ that selfish. _

_But you knew that already. First night we met's not all that you remember" _she doesn't say anything, she just searches my face, my eyes, with hers, looking for something that I don't know and most assuredly can't give her.

I need to _leave_. Only, I can't. Because the girl I love is a vampire now, a fucking magnificent, stunning creature of the night and there's not a _chance_ in hell that I'm leaving it to Stefan to teach her how to be one.

Welcome to the dark side baby. It's a hell of a ride.

_Dear Diary,  
How did my life get so complicated? It all started so simply, I met a boy, we talked all night and it was epic. And it was all downhill from there. I'm a vampire now. The one thing I never wanted to be, it was a choice that was taken from me, a choice that should have been mine to make if I ever decided to. _

_I understand why Meredith gave me the blood, of course I do, and nobody could have predicted that my own brother would try to kidnap me and that Rebekah would run Matt's truck off the bridge. How very ironic, that I die for real in the spot where I was supposed to die the first time. _

_It was very surreal, when I woke up from being dead, oh god, does one wake up from being dead? Or is one simply, dead? Or not dead? I felt alive, is my point. Damon was there and he said that I had to feed, or die. That there was no door number three, he thought that Stefan and me were being stupid for having hope that Bonnie could do something to stop it, and I guess he was right. I should have just fed this morning. _

_I told Damon, when I phoned him last night to 'let him go' that maybe if we had met first it would have been different, and as it turns out it wasn't even a lie, because we did. We did meet first and I think it would have been different. _

_He was a mysterious stranger in the road on a dark night who told me that he wanted me to get everything I wanted out of life, and I was captivated by him right from the word go. I was captivated by his beauty and I flirted with him, even though I was still technically dating Matt. _

_He told me that I wanted passion, adventure, danger and a love that consumed me. It was his voice, Damon's voice in my head. All those nights and all those dreams that I had after the accident, I could hear something, a voice in my mind speaking to me, trying to tell me that I was forgetting something important, that something happened that night. And it did._

_It was Damon. So it wasn't a lie, when I told him if I met him first it might have been different because if he hadn't compelled me to forget then maybe it would have been. But we can't live our lives with the maybes, wondering 'what if'. He did make me forget, and now it's done and we can't go back. _

_And that was the first time Damon compelled me. _

_The second time he compelled me was the night he brought my necklace back, I remember writing at the time that I somehow just knew that it was Damon, that I felt something had changed that night and it did. He told me that he loved me for the very first time and then he made me forget. _

_He told me that he didn't deserve me, that Stefan did. Why does he insist on being unworthy? Love is not something that you deserve, it just is, it simply exists. He doesn't have anything to prove to me, he never did. _

_But he told me that Stefan deserved me and how could I have ever known anything else? _

_I chose Stefan, I was going back to Stefan because after everything that we went through, after everything he did to get better, to become himself again, I believe that he deserved me to go back to him, he deserved to be able to say goodbye to me. I made a choice about who to say goodbye to and I chose to say goodbye to Stefan._

_Only now, now I have an eternity, and even though I know I love Damon now, I've accepted that I love Damon, I do still believe that I at least owe Stefan the chance of making our relationship work. We never really broke up, we were forced apart by circumstances out-with our control and there was never any real closure. _

_I can't just leap from one to the other, I'm not Katherine, so I have to give Stefan a chance, our chance, I have to see if there's anything left for us that can be salvaged now because no matter what I feel for Damon, and what I feel is love, I meant what I said to him when I called him. I never stopped loving Stefan either, I just don't know what kind of love that is now, but I'm going to find out. _

_I told Stefan tonight, in that barn, that I was coming back for him, that he was the reason I was on the bridge, I told him that it was the best choice I ever made. I'm beginning to question the sanity in that statement to be honest. The best choice I ever made resulted in me becoming a vampire, the one thing I never wanted to be. _

_But that's not Stefan's fault, because I know he never wanted me to be a vampire either, he didn't want that for me, for my life, my future, and I know he feels badly, more badly than words can describe, about saving Matt over me but the one thing Stefan has __always__ done is respect my choices. _

_Damon would have saved me, I know he would have and he would have let me hate him for it because that's what he does. It's who he is. He loves me so much, sometimes I think he loves me __too__ much, that it doesn't matter if I hate him or not, as long as I live. And tonight, he said that that made him selfish, but he's got it all mixed up. It's what makes him selfl__ess__, it's one of the most beautiful parts of him. _

_But the point is, Stefan feels terrible about leaving me to die, and I think I said what I said because I needed him to know that I don't blame him, I don't resent him. I don't hate him. He did what I wanted him to do, I was ready to die. I accepted it. I was supposed to, I was protecting the people I love and with my death came Alaric's and with his death came safety. Safety for Damon, Stefan, Caroline, safety for everyone. _

_Only then I woke up from being dead, and I had another choice, the choice to live, the choice of eternity. And when I was in that god-awful barn tonight, dying with every second that passed, and hurting so much, I realised that after all of this time, trying to sacrifice myself for the greater good, all of this time of being protected. I realised that I didn't actually wanna die after all. _

_I didn't ever want to be a vampire, but compared to dying? Leaving behind my friends, my family, and how could I ever have done that to Jeremy? Compared to dying, becoming a vampire suddenly sounded a whole lot more appealing. _

_So I did it. I drank the blood. Vampire I became. Now I just have to figure out how to __be__ one.  
Elena_


	58. Memorial

**A/N: So let me just say that Vampire Elena is hella fun to write! She's a little bit darker these days and as such a little more honest, a little more brutal and a little more um...coarse in her language. Also, a bit more erratic. In essence, she's a little more like Damon, which is never a bad thing right? Well, anyway, get ready to blood-share. I hope I did it justice. As a side note, has anyone else watched the teaser trailer for S6? I nearly *died* of feelings! **

** Memorial**

"**And you can bring me to my knees  
I can see through you, see to the real you  
And I taste, what I could never have  
it was from you"**

_Shockingly _enough, Stefan's ideas on how to teach Elena stray _just_ a little bit from mine. He's all about Bambi and Thumper, who would have _ever_ guessed? And I'm all about control, moderation, snatch, eat, erase.

Of course, Elena being both the little people pleaser _and_ martyr that she is, is determined to give the animal diet a shot even though she _knows_ I'm right. Because I've told her so, a bunch of times, since the debate began.

I've tried appealing to Stefan's common sense which I _know_ is in there somewhere but appears to have left the building to make room for catering to Elena's every last desire so I've resorted to stalling tactics. By which I mean I'm _un_packing their little overnight bag for what is clearly some Twilight inspired romantic night in the woods, complete with bouncing little bunny rabbits. I know I'm not going to get anywhere, but can you really blame a guy for trying?

"_She can't learn to __control__ the blood-lust, if she's never actually __experienced__ the blood-lust" _how many different ways can I say this?

"_I said __stop__" _Stefan grabs the bag away from me and gets right up in my face. Ah, the brotherly love. I'm still waiting patiently for the 'you said you'd leave town' speech which I'm sure he's been mentally rehearsing ever since Elena uttered those fateful words, 'I choose you, it's always gonna be _you_, Stefan', I'm paraphrasing here 'cause of course I don't _actually _know what she said and I'm sure I don't want to, but I figure it was something along those lines. He's such an insecure _fool_ that he'll still want me to go all the same.

"_Whoa, what's going on?" _ah, you know 'Lena just some brotherly rivalry. _Slight_ difference of opinion. "_Ah, just, having a little disagreement about the process" _see? He's placating her, she's placating him and I'm stuck in the middle pleasing fucking _nobody_, as per usual.

"_You're still not on board with the animal plan?" _Elena asks, again. _"Nope, I say rip off the proverbial band-aid and let it bleed. You're a vampire Elena, __be__ a vampire" _please. And they're leaving, god I hate this.

"_Vampires eat people. It's part of the natural food pyramid. Trust me, you're gonna be miserable" _she looks at me as if she agrees with me but they leave just the same.

It's not _just_ the animal diet part that's getting to me, although that is a major concern. It's that I can't s_tand_ the thought of her with my brother anymore. I mean, he's my brother and I love him, for the most part, but even a blind man could see that he's not right for Elena.

And I'm not just saying that because I believe that _I_ am, I'm saying it because it's the truth. But hey, what can I do about it? It's her _choice_, remember?

And the bunny diet thing? Elena could be, has the _potential_ to be the most _glorious_ vampire that ever existed, she could be a _queen_, if she'd just embrace it, accept it, _be_ it, but she'll never be able to with my brother by her side, dragging her down with him. And that is just tragic.

I come down to the Grill because I don't want to be at home when the 'epic' couple return from their romantic getaway.

"_Seats taken" _I tell Liz when she turns up and tries to sit on Ric's chair. People don't sit there. _"Faulty gas line leaves a tragic explosion at Young Farm" _I read the headline of the newspaper she's dropped in front of me. _"Really?" _that's the best headline they could come up with? And I'm supposed to care about this, why?

"_Better than town Council blown up police have no suspects...unless the perpetrators __right__ next to me" _what, me? Oh yeah, I remember _blowing_ up a farm in _all_ of the free time I've had recently. Not!

"_Well don't look at me, I always take credit for killing people" _but she's still looking at me. What? _"Seriously, stop lookin' at me like that Liz, if I was gonna kill 12 people I wouldn't blow 'em up, I'd have a dinner party" _and I have. Very nice affair it was too.

"_Well the explosion was sparked from the inside, this wasn't an accident" _it's also a _good_ thing. Or are we conveniently forgetting that in the face of 'tragic' death? _"You say that like it's a __bad__ thing. Council's dead Liz, I see that as a win" _and I'm more than happy to point out her mistakes of course, in case you hadn't noticed I don't care that much about the dead Council.

Of course she gets indignant with me because she's known the council all her life and _"they were my __friends__" _in that case, may I suggest you consider gettin' some new one's 'cause your_ "friends_ _tried to kill your daughter" _there's an unknown man approaching us and I lower my voice to ask her who he is, but he reaches us before she has a chance to reply.

"_Hi, um, I was wondering if I could speak to you for a minute? It's about the explosion at the Young farm" _who is this guy, the press? _"Connor Jordan" _Hm. He looks suspicious, and he is wearing some very suspicious looking gloves. I say suspicious because they _really_ don't match the rest of his clothing. And he's new. In this town, new equals suspicious.

He looks over at me and I nod before he asks Liz if they can speak privately, she throws me a look that's full of questions I can't answer and they leave.

"_Nice to meet you too Mr. Busy-body, guy" _I think I'm losing my nick-name inspiration. Either that or I'm just a bit more drunk and a bit more broken than I thought I was.

Ah what the hell, I figure I may as well give Stefan a call, fill him in on the dead Council, _"Uh, perfect timing Damon" _oh good, did I interrupt you and Elena? Now you know the feeling brother.

I ask if they're at home, _"yeah we just got back" _and then fill him in on the 'tragic' deaths of the council members, _"what?"_ and then he hangs up.

I wonder how Elena got on with the bunnies and the deer and the...Stefan. O-kay let's _change_ my thought process please, never mind. Think of the devil and she shall appear. Or, something like that.

"_Did you do it?" – "That seat's taken" _I tell her and her accusing little tone of voice. _"But there's no one here" _how very astute of you _El-e-na. _

"_Well I'm just gonna __pretend__ like there's someone there because the alternatives' just too damn depressing" _and I know _she_ get it. If nothing else, this is something that Elena and I share, she moves to the other side and sits down.

"_Did you set off the explosion that killed the town council?" _again, _when_? When would I have done that? _"Am I wearing my 'I blew up the council' t-shirt? Why does everybody keep asking me that?" – "Did you?" _didn't we do this already? Do I have to _spell _it out for her?

"_No__. Anything else?" _any other crimes you'd like to accuse me of? Issues to take up with me? Or can a man get drunk in peace for a change?

"_Yes. Something's wrong" _of course it is, why wouldn't it be? Because nothing is _ever_ fucking right around this place.

"_I can't keep any of the animal blood down" _am I supposed to be surprised? _"Well there's a shock" – "I think I need your help" _ah god, well it is what I wanted I suppose. "_Of course you do. Pick your meal, you got Asian fusion" _I point people out as I go along, _"Mexican, or what about some good old American comfort food?" _

"_No. No, no human blood. Stefan's right, I have to at least __try__ to get through this without hurting anyone" _well you know me; I am nothing if not the resourceful type.

You don't wanna eat people? Fine. Can't eat bunnies? Even better. But I got no blood bags in sight so I drain my drink for an added dose of liquid courage 'cause for sure what's about to happen will hurt me a _whole_ lot more than it hurts her but I'm fresh outta other options.

"_Fine, come on" _I stand up and pull her along behind me to the bathroom and lock the door.

"_What are you doing?" _I bite into the palm of my hand and let the blood pool. _"Giving you what you need. Drink" – "What?" _oh you heard me. Drink.

"_You're a new vampire Elena, you need warm blood from the vein; maybe this'll do the trick. Or not. But just...don't tell Stefan" _please. I can see her trying to fight the temptation just to sink her fangs into me and I have to admit for a baby-vamp I'm kinda impressed with her control.

"_Why not?" _she asks utterly transfixed by the blood in my hand. Uh, 'cause I'll get my ass kicked probably?

"_Because blood sharing is kinda...personal" – "What do you mean it's personal?" _well now, I uh, think I'm _not _gonna explain that right now. You'll find out soon enough.

"_Just __drink__" _I tell her. She looks between my face and my hand a couple of times and when she lands on my face again I give her an encouraging nod. And then she takes my hand in hers and her fangs pierce my skin and it's so fucking _hot_. She lays her head on my shoulder and pushes me against the stall and I wrap my arm around her back to pull her closer.

It's heaven. It's hell. It's s_o_ fucking _good. _

It's everything I want, okay, not necessarily in the bathroom of the _Grill _but it's definitely up there in my fantasies, 'course normally I get some of the action too but so not the point. The _point_ is, the point is, you know what, fuck it. The point is I'm just gonna enjoy this ride while it lasts and deal with the consequences later.

Elena buries her fangs deeper inside of me and pushes me further back and I'm becoming a little desperate. Because I want her _desperately, _I _desperately_ want to be inside of her. I'm as hard as a fucking diamond and I know she can feel me, considering she's managed to get herself all pressed up tight against me, her curves, her body wrapped around mine. Fitting me perfectly like two pieces of a fucking jigsaw.

_Meant. To. Be. _

And I know she feels it too, she certainly feels _something_ because the sexy little moans coming from her throat as she swallows my blood have less to do with the feeding than they do with her arousal. The smell of which is consuming me, burning me, and I want to _touch_ her, so fucking badly, but I can't. So I just keep my hand in its resting place on her hair, stroking gently and god please don't _ever_ stop.

Only, then I realise that she has to actually stop, 'cause otherwise she's probably gonna drain me dry and while I don't entirely object to death-by-Elena, we got problems in town. So I whisper nonsensical words at her because yeah my brain is still not completely in tandem with my mouth and she takes one final pull before tearing herself away.

As soon as she steps back from me she looks _horrified, _yeah, maybe I should have been a _little_ clearer on the whole, 'blood-sharing is personal' memo. She looks horrified but she also looks, well, for lack of a better word, horny.

And then comes the guilt. It spreads across her face like a wildfire and I raise my hands with the intention of telling her that it's okay, nothing happened, although it sure as fucking hell _did_, but that she doesn't need to feel bad about it, only she's gone. She's just fucking gone. I guess my brother has been teaching her a thing or two about vamp-speed then.

Elena is gone and I need to go home and take a v_ery_ cold shower. Right about now.

I don't hear from her until she miraculously needs my help, again. All of my blood came back up and she needs a new dress for the memorial service today. I'm a _little _confused as to why it's _me_ she keeps coming to for help and not her boyfriend but hey, I am _not_ gonna complain.

Speaking of my brother, I haven't seen him in the house this morning. Where did he go? I saw him briefly last night and he told me that Connor Jordan shot Lockwolf with crazy-ass bullets that may or may not be spelled. Apparently the gloves he wears are coated in vervain. See? I _knew_ they were suspicious. And now we have a new vampire hunter in town which doesn't sound at _all_ coincidental to me. Nope, not in the slightest.

I grab a blood-bag from the basement and run by Elena's house to pick a dress for her before making my way to the church. She phones me just as I arrive _"I'm here, I'm here. Where are you?" – "I'm in the basement bathroom. Is that you at the door?" _nope, not yet. She shouts to whoever is at the door that she won't be long _"Damon hurry" _she pleads and she's crying and I'm hurrying.

Well, if it isn't Connor Jordan. _"You again? Stalking small town funerals?" _Elena opens the door and pokes her pretty little head out, _"oh Damon thank god" _no need honey, just thank me. Forever at your service.

Elena apologises to Connor and looks at me with a scared expression but I give her a smile to hopefully reassure her that we will _both _be fine. I won't let anything happen to her.

"_We have not met. I'm Connor" _he says holding out his vervain coated hand when Elena closes the door. "_Damon. Germaphobe" _I turn my attention to the door "_everything okay in there?" _please hurry Elena. _"Yeah just a minute" _she shouts back, well, I guess I'll just make conversation then.

"_So what brings you to Mystic Falls?" _and what gets you to leave? _"I'm in uh, environmental cleanup" _wow, this guy should be a comedian. He's _hilarious. _

"_Heard you had a bit of a, pollution problem"_ seriously, inside I'm laughing. Hysterically.

"_Huh, well I was unaware. I breathe pretty easy" o_h thank god Elena's ready.

"_I'm so sorry that took so long" _she says to the new hunter. "_Well enjoy your stay, we love visitors and the scenery is to __die__ for. Oh! Funeral Pun! Too soon?" _let's go 'Lena.

I'm pleased with the dress I chose for her, it looks lovely, or at least, it would if she didn't look like she was in desperate need of ten hot meals.

"_Did you bring the blood bag?" s_hh! "_Do you wanna say that a little louder?"_ I don't think the vampire hunter quite heard you. "_Here" _I pass her the bag and she drinks but it all just comes spilling back out again. What the _fuck_?

"_No I can't...it tastes like...what's wrong with me?" _I don't...know. I wipe the blood from her chin and now I'm _really_ glad I brought the black dress, much more appropriate anyway.

"_I don't know. Maybe it's your doppelganger blood, you're rejecting the transition" _I guess I need to make a phone call to Katherine then.

"_I'm dying aren't I?" – "No you're not __dying__. You just need to drink from the vein" _like a good girl vampire. But she's already shaking her head at me, _"no, no I can't risk killing anyone Damon" w_ell I'm not gonna _let_ you kill anyone!

"_Maybe I'm better off dead" _No! A thousand times no! I clasp her shoulders with my hands, _"don't you think like that. Elena, you'll be fine" _I promise her and stroke her hair gently before taking my hand away.

I wondered, if that burning I felt when she was human would disappear when she turned, but nope, it's still there. If anything is seems to burn _hotter_ than ever. The church bells ring, _"we have to get back inside" s_he says and walks away from me.

Oh great. Stefan's here.

"_What's in the bag Damon?" _lunch? "_Mid-service snack, church always gets me hungry, the whole blood of Christ thing you know" _yeah, he's not buying that and to be honest I'm not all that crazy about going behind his back. I mean nothing's happening, unless you count some kinda kinky bathroom blood-sharing, but hey what's a little blood-sharing between friends. Regardless, it _feels_ wrong. So, I'll squeal.

"_I brought it for Elena" – "You're really that intent on having your way?" _oh Stefan, always so quick to judge me brother.

"_It's not __my__ way, it's the only way" – "If she __hurts__ someone..."_ yeah, yeah I _get _it Stefan, the guilt, the pain, the humanity, the blah, blah, blah, _got _it. But she's s_tarving_.

"_She's strong if we help her she can survive this" _oh he's really not getting it, is he?

"_She's __starving__, Stefan. She hasn't been able to keep blood down for __days__" – "What are you talking about she told me she was fine" _well whadd'ya know, _"she lied. Your four legged protein shake was a bust. Juice box is a no-go. She can't even keep __my__ blood down" _oops, my bad.

"_She drank from you?" _damn right she did, and it was fucking exquisite torture.

"_Oops, did I say that out loud?" _I walk away and leave him to his jumbled thoughts. I know I shouldn't have told him, at least, not like that, but dammit if his condescending holier-than-thou attitude isn't getting a _tiny_ bit exhausting.

I head into the church and dip my fingers in the holy water before making the sign of the cross, _"don't know why that always make me smile" _what is Elena doing up on the podium?

"_She doesn't look so good" _I say to Stefan as I take a seat beside him. "_Well maybe you should have told me she was rejecting all food sources" _well maybe, the question you should be asking is why didn't _she_ tell you, ever think of that, Stefan?

"_Jealousy's beneath you brother" – "Oh bite me" _Elena starts speaking before I can reply to that. She _really _doesn't look good, at all. Need to try and figure this out soon.

"_The worst day, of loving someone is the day that you, lose them" _ah fuck. Blood. A _lot_ of blood.

"D_o you smell that?" _Blondie whispers. _"Nobody move, __don't__ turn around it's a trap" _I whisper back and fucking _Elena_ who is starving, is standing right up there in the crosshairs. Shit! Again, I gotta say I'm _amazed_ with her control, if she'd just let me teach her I know she'd be phenomenal, but she is a baby-vamp and she's gonna _lose_ it. Fortunately Stefan realises this and goes up to rescue her. _"It's okay, I got you, I got you" _yeah, he did.

Stefan's trying to keep Elena calm and I'd like to kill someone right about now so where's this hunter? "_I'm gonna go rip his head off now" – "You do that Damon and you risk exposing all of us" _expos-really Stefan?

"_Well I think the risk will be __slightly__ diminished when I...you know, rip his head off" _also I think the risk is even greater that 'Lena over there will tear everyone's throats out in about 30 seconds, and that'd be what I call 'exposure'.

"_You have ten seconds before I go old-fashioned on the new guy" – "Don't do it Damon please" _nope, not gonna work. _"3, 2, 1, bye" - "Wait, wait, Elena, feed from me" _wha-? Oh man. The quarterback steps up to the plate and I don't wanna watch but I can't look away as Elena feeds from him,

Jealousy, such a _sickly _emotion. Then again, I was _just o_n the receiving end of those perfect fangs so I can't really complain.

Tyler steps up to the podium, I gotta say I'm beginning to respect that guy a little, at least he knows how to take one for the team. And he does. A shot rings out and people start ducking and screaming and _now _I'm going old-fashioned on the new guy. I slip away in the confusion and get away before Stefan tries to stop me again.

Then I'm ripping off Connor's car door and I grab him out before he can blink, unfortunately before I can even get a punch in he shoots me a _buncha_ times and tries to stake me before we both hear my brother shouting for me. Connor runs away and Stefan runs around the corner.

And then he punches me in the face. Right, 'cause the bullets just weren't enough.

"_What the hell was that for?" – "You know what" _he says before walking away.

O-kay. I guess I'll get the bullets out myself then. Brother's, who needs 'em? Honestly it's ridiculous that I get punched in the face for _trying_ to _help _Elena. I mean, yes, there was a _little_ selfish motivation, but mainly I was trying to help! I am not really all that big on the thought of Elena desiccating! Having said that, if it was the other way around then I guess I might have punched Stefan too. I suppose.

Once I get the bullets out I head home to change and then leave because I think it's probably for the best if I avoid my house like the plague tonight. I'm quite sure I don't wanna be present for whatever conversation is going down there tonight.

However it would appear that I can't even take _one_ night off from all the drama as I get a very cryptic text message from Stefan telling me to meet _"us"_ at the school, it's important, apparently.

I pull up at the same time as Bonnie. _"What are we doing here?" _I ask her, "_I dunno ask Stefan" _oh I will. It looks like the whole gang is here.

"_Stefan what are we doing?" – "We're finishing the memorial we didn't get to have earlier" _he explains while handing out paper lanterns. What are we Japanese now?

"_We need to start healing Damon. We've all lost so much, especially recently. We think we're numb to it, we push it away, make a joke out of it, ignore how we feel, never just let ourselves grieve" _yeah well, count me out brother.

"_So you're lighting lanterns?" _which is going to do _what_ exactly? "_Yeah, yeah we need to do this" t_o what end Stefan? What are you hoping to achieve here? 'Cause it's gonna _change_ nothing and we got bigger problems.

"_What we __need__ to do is find out who this hunter is and what he knows about the death of the council. We have more important things to be __doing__ right now than...this" – "Not tonight we don't" _actually, you know what Stefan, you're right.

But screw all of you if you think I'm gonna stand here and light a fucking lantern like it's gonna change a damn thing.

"_This is for my uncle Zach, and my friend Lexi. And Alaric" _yeah.

"_This is for Vicki" _I gotta go.

Jeremy passes me the lighter _"no way. I'm not doing that." _

And screw them if they think I'm gonna stand here and listen while they reel off the names of their dead, a large majority of whom _I_ fucking killed.

I head straight for the cemetery where a headstone and a bottle of bourbon are calling my name. I miss my friend and I'll grieve my own damn way. I tell Ric about them floating lanterns, I tell him about Elena and the new hunter in town.

"_You know what they are? __Children__. Like lighting a candle's gonna make e__veryt__hing okay, or even saying a prayer, or pretending Elena's not gonna end up just like the rest of us murderous vampires. Stupid, delusional, exasperating little children. _

_And I know what you're gonna say, 'makes them feel better, Damon' so what? For how long? A minute, a day? What difference does it make? Because in the __end__ when you lose somebody, ever __candle__, every __prayer__, is not gonna make up for the fact that the only thing you have __left__ is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be. _

_And a rock, with a birth date carved into it that I'm pretty sure is wrong. So thanks, friend. Thanks for leaving me here to babysit, 'cause I should be __long__ gone by now. _

_I didn't get the girl, __remember__? I'm just stuck here, fighting with my brother and takin' care of the kids. You owe me big." _

_Dear Diary,  
Well the last few days have been exhausting to say the least. Damon and Stefan are fighting; it started because they disagree on the right way to teach me how to be in control of myself. Stefan advocates the animal diet while Damon is more, conventional, I guess. _

_And even though I didn't really want to do the animal diet thing, I felt like I owed it to Stefan to give it a shot and I did, I really did, but I just can't keep it down, every time I try I just throw it all back up again. _

_I couldn't face telling Stefan though because he was so happy when he thought that I was doing well and I really didn't want to see that look of disappointment on his face again so I went to Damon for help. _

_I stuck with the animal diet plan and told him that I didn't want to drink human blood, because I am scared of hurting someone, or worse, so Damon offered me his blood because he thought it might work and oh. my. god. did it ever. _

_Or at least, it did for a while. Damon's blood is divine, it's like drinking liquid gold, I've never tasted anything more...intoxicating. He told me before that blood sharing is 'personal' but he didn't really go on to explain what that meant. I found out though. _

_It was like Denver all over again, only, a million times hotter, dirtier, sexier. I wanted to rip his clothes off him and devour him. Over, and over and over again. I've never had, such, wicked impulses flashing through my mind, honestly I was a little impressed with myself for coming up with such ideas, but all I could see, feel, taste, was Damon and he was __so__ turned on, I could feel him pressed up against me and it felt so goddamn __right__ and, ah! It's ridiculous, I was desperate for him and all I could have was his blood. Not enough, never enough. _

_And then when he told me to stop, oh god it's like I was just in a completely different land while I was drinking his blood and then when I stopped I was so humiliated, I couldn't believe what I had done! And I felt so guilty, I'm with Stefan, we're supposed to be trying to make our relationship work and I'm practically dry-humping his brother in the bathroom of the Grill! What is wrong with me? _

_So I just ran away from Damon. I didn't even say goodbye I just had to get out of there because if I didn't I probably would have just had sex with him right there and then so I had to get out. As if it's not enough to be a new vampire with all these 'heightened emotions' I now have to add sexually frustrated to the ever growing list of things that are wrong with me. _

_Because I've tried, I really have tried to be intimate with Stefan and I just can't bring myself to do it. I think it's too early, too soon, when we were in the woods and he was touching me, it felt amazing but somewhere deep inside of me it also felt wrong. So I can't bring myself to go any further until things are better between us. _

_Unfortunately Damon's blood just came back up again, and it did not feel as good that way as it did on the way down. I called him to help me again, and I know I should be calling Stefan but I just feel like he's slipping further and further away from me with every day that passes, and I feel like he can't understand me properly. _

_Damon told Stefan about the blood sharing, even though he told me not to. And I didn't! But then Damon just went and told him anyway and Stefan was really upset about it and then I got upset because I just __feel so much. _

_Oh god I __feel__, I've never felt so damn much in my life. How do they stand this?_

_How can anyone __feel__ so much? Too much. Everything. _

_It's overwhelming and I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it. I swear to god if Stefan says that my emotions are 'heightened' __one__ more time then I'm not gonna be responsible for my actions. _

_But all of these emotions, hate, love, lust, desire, rage, guilt, grief, they're all in there and I feel like they're going to __explode__ out of me and I can't...and lighting a fucking lantern didn't do anything to help me and I don't...oh god I need help.  
Elena_


End file.
